"The Fifth or Sixth"
In the great theater, three Elves, a Dwarf, and a similarly-sized teen take their places in the middle recliners. As usual, Legolas tries in vain to convince Essie to let him out.
LOTR With A Twist
Legolas: Let me guess, the twist is some random teeny who mysteriously falls into Middle-Earth, falls in love with me, single-handedly saves the Fellowship multiple times, and dies an angsty but heroic death.
Chapter 1- Pretty Horse
ESM: Must be one of those "Native American" names translated roughly into English.
Nienna Smith [or Smithy :)]
Gimli: "Smithy :)" is her surname?
was a normal girl
Legolas: As normal as Essie?
who just happened to have
ESM: Glasses, braces, and a pet elephant beetle.
Tolkien freaks for parents.
Elladan: Is that a new strain of humans?
She had just gotten out of school for summer the previous day, and at the moment, she was reading in the meadow by her house.
Elrohir: That is good.
This meadow was beautiful, with a surging stream running
Elrohir: I thought it was surging.
through it, and a lush, green forest on the left.
Legolas: Like the nicer parts of Mirkwood?
As she was reading, she dozed off.
ESM: Yeah. I will too if this doesn't get more interesting pretty soon.
Suddenly, as if she had appeared out of nowhere,
Elladan: Nowhere, the place nobody lives at....
a beautiful maiden stood above her and
Gimli: Scolded her for letting the beautiful maiden's mistress's prize octopus run away.
she asked Nienna to come with her
Legolas: For a whipping!
. Nienna put her book, which happened to be her humongous
ESM: Autobiography.
LOTR book (all 3 in one),
Elrohir: Yes, that also just happened to be there.
in her backpack,
ALL but Elrohir and Legolas: No!
along with all her CD's,
Gimli: Never leave home without them.
her CD player,
Elladan: Yes, the CDs wouldn't be much good without a player.
speakers for her CD player,
ESM: So she could lipsync and astonish all the Elves with "her" singing abilities.
her 2- year supply of batteries
ESM: Good grief...do you know how heavy that would be? It would take a professional weight-lifter to pick up a backpack with that many batteries in it!
(Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,
Elrohir: Somebody needs a reality check.
kinda, it'll play in later
ESM: Literally, I suppose.
), her favorite DVD's
ESM: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Pocahontas, Jurassic Park III...
, her portable DVD player (only child),
Gimli: The DVD player was?
and her steel wool.
ESM: Wha? Is her portable electronica going to rust or something?
As she walked to the maiden's horse, she saw how beautiful it was.
Elladan: Please don't let it be another Mary Sue horse!
"Wow! What a pretty horse!" she ejaculated.
ESM: Merit point for vocabulary.
"Thank you," replied the maiden.
Gimli: Why did she say that? She didn't make the horse. It's not her fault the horse is pretty.
"What is your
ESM: (Nienna) Blood pressure? 'Cuz I tend to elevate people's blood pressure by just being me.
name?" asked Nienna. "Idril Ancalimë," she replied, "we should leave Lady Nienna, the king
Elrohir: Of the Dead
is waiting for us." Nienna obeyed and hopped on the horse.
Legolas: Calling all child molesters! This one's so easy it's almost not worth your depraved talent.
"Where are we going?" she asked.
Gimli: (Nienna) Are we there yet?
"you'll see soon," replied Idril,
Elladan: (narrator) sniggering as she thought of the bag of gold the auctioneer would be sharing with her after Nienna had been bought by some cruel slave owner.
and they sped off to the forest.
Legolas: Where the great spiders promptly caught and killed them both.
As they entered a clearing, Nienna wondered if she had done the right thing, going with a complete stranger into the forest,
ESM: ::shakes head:: We TOLD you.
but that's the whole point of being daring, taking chances, right?
Elladan: No. Being daring IS taking chances, that's not the POINT of being daring.
As she was pondering,
Legolas: (Nienna) Mommy, why is the sky blue? Mommy, what color is love? Mommy, why is there a very large spider following us?
the ground lurched,
Gimli: ::nonplussed:: Yeah, right. The HORSE lurched.
and she almost fell off of the horse, but
ESM: Since she was a Mary Sue...
luckily,'
Elrohir: She DIDN'T fall off the horse, and only suffered a life-threatening concussion from head-butting Idril, who was actually a robot made of iron.
gravity was nice this time.
Legolas: (Gravity) Yes, I had just had a very nice tea with Centrifugal Force, and was in a good mood that day.
As soon as her head stopped swimming,
ESM: Her kidneys found out that the Gold Medal for the breaststroke had been won by some Belgian.
she looked around her and saw that she was in a much denser forest, in obviously another world.
Elladan: ::interested:: I don't suppose it was just a little deeper into the forest.
Nienna looked closer at this "woman," turns out she
Elrohir: ...is made of iron. We established that earlier. Please make an effort to Keep Up.
has pointy ears,
ESM: ::gasps:: A Vulcan!
ELF.
Gimli: Elven Legolas Freaks?
'Oh God,' she thought, 'I'm in Middle Earth?
Elladan: That would be Eru, then.
No, I'll j.j.just ask Idril, and she'll
Gimli: (Nienna) Tell me that those periods were superfluous and inappropriate.
be wearing prosthetic ears.
ESM: Only if she's taking you to a costume party.
yeah.' "Um. Idril. where are we?" Nienna asked.
Gimli: (Idril) On the way to grammar class. You know, the class you've been missing for the last couple years?
"Mirkwood,"
Elrohir: No surprise there.
Idril replied calmly.
Gimli: (Idril) Varda, these hereditary royal nincompoops get stupider every year! They don't even know when they're in their own kingdom!
Nienna almost fainted,
Elrohir: (Nienna) Oh! I will be seeing my heartthrob in a few minutes!
"O.oh. w.well why?" she stuttered. "Because the King has requested your presence." "Oh, thanks, I think."
Gimli: ::incredulous:: You think?
The two headed toward the
ESM: Guillotine.
palace in Mirkwood in silence and Nienna was becoming increasingly nervous.
ESM: ::cheerfully:: Ah well. Once they chop off your head you won't be nervous anymore.
Legolas: Hey Essie, I really like the number five.
ESM: That's nice.
Elladan: The question just begs to be asked, Legolas. Why do you like the number five?
Legolas: Because...because that's the number of non-hobbit members of the Fellowship!
ESM: Well, come on, we have been assigned another torture session.
Gimli: Bring it on!
Legolas: But then we won't have five MSTs any more! It'll be six!
Elrohir: ::muttering to Elladan:: Wow, all those arithmetic lessons from two millennia ago DID pay off.
Elladan: ::nods:: Been a long time coming, though.
ESM: Don't be silly, Legolas. You weren't in the last one, so it will only be YOUR fifth. And I happen to really like the number nine.
Elves: ::gape at Essie in terror::
Gimli: ::sighs:: Role film!
by Glorwen
Gimli: Wanna bet?
Legolas: No.
Elladan: Or something a two-year-old mortal said.
Elrohir: Hey, maybe she'll fall in love with you, this time, Gimli!
Gimli: Wanna bet?
Elrohir: No.
ESM: ::sarcastically:: ha. ha. ha. You're so funny, Legolas.
ESM: We like to think so. A superior strain.
Legolas: At least she is not gushing over me.
Gimli: ::grinning:: Yet.
Legolas: I will kill you, Dwarf.
Gimli: Huh. Like to see you try, Elf.
Elladan: Did you hear what you just said, Legolas?
Legolas: I...oh no! Stay away from me!
Elrohir: And no one has any idea where it is...
ESM: It ran away?
Gimli: Not literally.
Legolas: ::sneering:: The narcissist.
Legolas: What's wrong?
Gimli: ::shuddering:: I don't think we can take any more magic backpacks after that last fic...
ESM: I try not to.
Legolas: Unless it was a Britney Spears CD.
Elrohir: Or Cher.
ALL: Ew!
Legolas: How can someone with a Disorder be called Normal?
ESM: Everybody has a disorder.
Elrohir: Ah, so we find out ESM's favorite movies.
ESM: No!
Elrohir: No?
ESM: Think about it. Would I suggest that an evil Sue has the same preferences as me?
Elrohir: Wouldn't put it past you.
Elladan: I don't think so.
ESM: And just HOW does she plan to run THAT in Middle-Earth? Inventing electricity a bit early, eh?
Gimli: Perhaps she's saving it for cleaning some rusty sword she's going to meet.
Elladan: Did you know that if you put steel wool in a jar with vinegar the temperature in the jar will rise?
Legolas: Are you suggesting she's bringing the steel wool for fuel?
Elladan: No, I was suggesting that I'm out of popcorn.
Legolas: ::rolls eyes::
Gimli: Vetoed.
ESM: ::huffily:: Fine.
Elrohir: ::distantly:: Someday I'd like to be tall enough to hop on a horse.
Elrohir: Surprise! This story isn't about those two, it's actually about the horse!
ESM: Really?
Elladan: He wishes.
ESM: The point of being daring is...what IS the point of being daring?
Legolas: Idril promptly despoiled the Sue of her steel wool and scrubbed herself down.
Legolas: (Nienna's kidneys) WE ARE BITTER!
Legolas: ::glumly:: No, I'm sure there were traces of the giant spiders.
Elrohir: But your father got rid of them all after the War of the Ring.
Legolas: ::Even more melancholically:: Bet she doesn't know that.
Gimli: ::reaching for wallet:: Really?!
Legolas: ::rolls eyes:: No.
Legolas: :snorts:: In a dense forest? I don't think so.
ESM: Maybe she's on holiday.
ESM: Early Life Fat?
Elladan: Esteemed Legolas Fans.
Elrohir: Esoteric Leavening Fasts.
Legolas: You people are weird. And not funny.
ESM: ::monotone:: Not funny? My heart is broken. Somebody pick up the pieces.
Gimli: ::cheerfully:: Or maybe she's a Legolas-luster too, and goes around with prosthetics on in hopes that Legolas will fall in love with her before he finds out she's NOT an Elf!
Elrohir: Because, you know, the only difference between a man and an Elf is the pointy ears.
ESM: At least the ones about punctuation and paragraphing.
Elladan: Hey, be fair. She's not THAT bad, you guys. Not after what we've seen before.
ESM: So? Who said this was about justice? ::frowns:: Hey....that was really out of character....Are you ok, Dan?
Elladan: GIMLI!
Gimli: ::sniggers::
Elladan: ::muttering:: Just you wait, Dwarf, I'll teach you to impersonate me!
ESM: Can't these Sues go somewhere BESIDES one of the three Elven kingdoms?
Legolas: Sure, if you find a hobbit Sue.
Elladan: Thanks for telling us.
Elrohir: We never would have guessed it for ourselves.
ESM: Not after you've just run off with some stranger without telling anybody.
Elrohir: That's right. Look on the bright side, Nienna! Play the "Glad Game"!