ONWARD ~ and ~ UPWARD Judith Florian, R.N.

Featuring articles and discussion of diverse topics and issues, including:

Disabilities, Home Health Care, Sexual Abuse of Children, and Advocacy

COPING THROUGH 

 !  WRITING !

            The same 6th grade music teacher who introduced me to singing, with the chorus and solos, was the first person who encouraged me to write.  But, I was shy and uncertain, and felt intimidated about putting my words onto paper.  My older sister was writing beautiful poems at the time.  She had just finished writing for her school English class a poem about my mother's eyes.   I felt that whatever I wrote could never be as pretty or as meaningful.   

            Through high school, teachers continued to praise my written works.  But I thought my poetry sounded too sing-song and I still felt stifled in putting my innermost thoughts on paper.   Those same teachers who were encouraging me to write couldn't understand how uncomfortable I felt in doing the assignments they required.   They couldn't know I had the most trouble revealing my feelings, which is why I felt so much more at ease in doing book reports or term papers.  Ironically, though, I felt the best about writing when I was focused on feelings.  When the subject was cut and dry material, I struggled to compose sentences.  But when I focused on the emotions of characters of books or the common thread of human feelings in a subject, I found the words just flowed.

            At the time I didn't realize myself how stilted I felt and why.   But I had come from a family where emotions were ridiculed, while at the same time going through very painful things within my home - which I couldn't talk about.    The things I couldn't talk about started interfering with my life though, causing flashbacks when I was 20 years old, which led me to find a therapist.  But, I still couldn't talk about the real things that bothered me.  Waiting for a couple hours to pass before a therapy appointment one day, I sat down to make notes of what I wanted to talk about that day.  But instead, I wrote a short story called "The Puppy on the Hill."   It was almost as though the story wrote itself.   Or I was just ready.  Or because I was telling the puppy's story - not mine -  that I could tell about my feelings.  "The Puppy on the Hill" told about being a bed-wetting child, and the different ways this problem had not been handled well - and the emotional toll it had taken on that "puppy" - on me as a child.   Writing it as I did, the story was one of the most revealing emotional pieces I'd ever done.  And with that first story, I started writing more stories and even poems.  But, the therapist proved untrustworthy.  He stole the notebook I'd kept for all my writing, and I found I couldn't write again.

            A few years later, I tried therapy again, this time driving out of state for appointments.  This counselor also encouraged me to write, but I couldn't.  When I told him about the previous therapist, he was sympathetic.   But what helped the most was when he told me to let the other writings go, that there "are more where those came from."   Inside, I did have more to write, and within months I was again filling many notebooks instead of the one I'd done before and had stolen from me..  

            In the 20+ years since then, I've written thousands of pages, some that didn't quite say what I wanted, and others that were meaningful and even beautiful.  I've felt the most satisfied when the story or poem seems to have written itself - how remains a mystery.  On those occcasions, the restrictions I often feel just seem to become transparent, and I have no other choice but to write.   And usually, those writings are the ones that others say they like the most.  

           For those who've been sexually abused in childhood, writing is as important and as beneficial as drawing.    It helps to clarify issues, bring emotions into the light and to show patterns of thoughts, actions and emotions.  For those with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder or what was called Multiple Personality Disorder, MPD), writing is necessary and even imperative.  It provides a way for alters to speak (without feeling as exposed as talking in person), and can highlight issues each alter struggles with throughout therapy.  If unable to get therapy, continued writing helps keep the internal system more stable and provides a way for problems to be discussed.  

            And writing can help anyone who is chronically ill  -  those with or without a prior abuse history.  Emotions can be very strong when a person becomes ill, or has been dealing with an illness a long time.  Indeed, sometimes the initial upheaval of emotions calms down, only to re-emerge after months or years of illness.  Some chronically ill patients might develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) after being ill for a while, or find that their PTSD symptoms become aggravated by any one of a number of triggers, like:

• Repeated doctor visits or especially, hospitalizations;

• Having to deal with numerous strangers (doctors, nurses, Aides, and techs - for X-Rays, blood-work etc.

• Having to have different Aides and Nurses inside the patient's home;

• Having little or no privacy, especially physical privacy;

• Having no control over the circumstances;

• And, any number of other types of stresses.

These same examples can trigger PTSD problems for those with DID / MPD.

            If you are not a writer - or don't think of yourself as a writer -  the only thing that is necessary is a desire to put your thoughts and feelings on paper.  How well you write is not important, it is that you go through the process of writing that you will find help and healing.  Spelling errors or using correct grammar is unimportant too.  Lots of people who have trouble with those kinds of technical aspects of writing might use doodling and short phrases to "write" about their feelings.  (A combination of doodling and writing words or phrases is also helpful to dyslexics, who often have trouble reversing letters or composing sentences and so, they avoid writing.)  Doodle-writing is perfectly okay.  Anything that helps you express yourself will be well worth the effort.    

            The same is true for the mechanics of writing, that is, what you use to write.  Some people are more comfortable using paper, others use journal books or regular notebooks, and others like the ease of typing on a computer.  Some folks prefer a pencil, or pen, marker -- or even crayon.  A friend of mine color-codes her journal entries, using a different color-marker for different emotions and situations she is describing.  (She said she writes about her mom in red, because she's so angry at her mom, but uses pink for her boyfriend because it reminds her of hearts and roses and passion.  ; =)  

        Whatever writing tools you use, or whatever style you prefer (diary entries, short stories, poems, doodles), the best you can do is use complete honesty in what you write.  Keep your writing private so you won't feel inhibited (share just the parts you feel comfortable with others reading).  Set aside a place and regular time to devote to yourself.  You may be surprised over time what you learn about yourself !

Coping Index...   Coping through Writing...   Coping Through Music...   Coping Through Dreams

Disabilities...... Home Health Care...... Sexual Abuse of Children...... Advocacy......... Jump to: Top of Page      If you have corrections to the content of this site or if you find broken links, please email me. The title "Onward ~ and ~ Upward" is a "motto" I used as a teenager and young adult --- then forgot about for a number of years.  I feel it is a fitting motto to strive for and a fitting title for the topics of this website.   (c) Judith Ann Florian 159 E. Main St. Girard, Ohio 44420 Disclaimer: This website is intended to convey information and discussion ONLY, on a variety of topics, and reflects the views of this author and submitters to this website.  The information provided on this website is not intended as a substitute for a medical opinion or diagnosis.  If you are suffering from an illness, injury, pain or other symptoms, please seek help and diagnosis from a medical professional.  If you are feeling suicidal or are thinking of harming yourself, in any way or by any means, call your therapist, your local 911, your local police department or other law enforcement, your local hospital emergency room, and your local crisis numbers. The webmaster of this site will not reply to emails from any person in a crisis situation. Copyright Notice - Information provided is for personal use only and may not be used on any other website.  All graphics and content on this web site are under copyright.  No portion may be reproduced, in part or in whole.  Contact the webmaster for information about publication rights.  © 2005-present, Judith Florian, Copyright - All rights reserved. Credit: Visit "The Art of Penny Parker" for elegant backgrounds and images.   This page was last updated on Saturday, April 22, 2006 14:58