May 04
Day 14: Saturday, May 01-04
A difficult session. I have to remind myself that I am cutting an attacker and not just slicing backwards and forwards.
At 800 my mind decides arbitrarily that I need a rest. I stop long enough to chide myself for being so weak, then I keep going. Towards the end I concentrate on sliding my feet properly so that I am balanced at all times.
It all seems very difficult today and hardly worth the effort.
Day 15: Sunday, May 02-04
I don't remember much about this session. I did it. I marked it off. I went for a walk with my wife.
Monday, May 03-04
No suburi as we have kendo practice tonight. I don't feel like going, but what's the alternative: another 1000 suburi. I go!A good practice. My knee is much better and I can move with about 90% freedom.
I run into a familiar problem. When we practice men, particularly when instructed to hit men-ippon!, I always hesitate before striking. I want to wait for exactly the right moment when I am perfectly ready and my opponent is off-guard. However, this mental decision to wait, which I cannot control, interferes with my instinctive movement and consequently I hit with less fluency.
I thought the suburi would help, and they have, especially for kiri-kaeshi when my balance and timing seem to have improved. But I still haven't got over the tendency to hesitate before striking. This can be disastrous during ji-geiko.
I am still pumped up from the practice when I get home. I eat something, finish my book, stare at the ceiling running through the training in my head. I am still awake at midnight. Selfishly my wife sleeps on obliviously.
I decide to do some suburi to tire myself out, but before I can act on this....
Z Z Z Z Z
Day 16: Tuesday, May 04-04
I meet my wife after work for a swim. Then we have dinner out and return home late. I do my suburi in the dark.Note to self: Get a life.
Day 17: Wednesday, May 05-04
The suburi today are hard. I notice early on that my shoulders are really aching. At 400 I have to stop, and then again at 800.What is pain?
I remember someone once likening suburi to film. If you imagine to do a suburi takes 12 frames, then the actual cut only takes about 4. The rest is taken up by bringing the bokken back (about 7 frames) the cut (4) and holding the cut (1).
At about midnight last night I was mulling over the saying that a 1000 mile journey begins with one step.
I used to think that this meant that the journey is completed gradually, step by step, and that everyone must begin somewhere.
I now think that it might mean that the first step is the most difficult to take. It represents the low point of the journey. The mountain is in front of you.
You have only just, a moment before, made the difficult decision to begin.
Thursday, May 06-04
No suburi as we have kendo practice. There are over 40 people there - this constitutes a record. The numbers are split evenly between beginners, many of them just starting, and people in armour. It is mayhem.I still can't sit in seiza or do sonkyo because of my knee. I worry I am being a bad example to the beginners. Maybe they think that hobbling around on one leg is normal! I can easily imagine them in a few years time at shodan level dragging their left leg behind them like Quasimodo, thinking it is the standard kendo movement. We could call it - excuse the awful pun - quasi-kendo.
At one stage we are doing one-handed the suburi. My teacher comes over and pushes my right shoulder back in line with my body. I am glad he points out this elementary mistake.
I have a mediocre practice. I can't remember any particular insight or comment.
Day 18: Friday, May 07-04
Only another 2 days to go then I will have done 2%! I came to the rather depressing realisation that if, allowing for kendo practices, I do 5000 suburi a week, it will take me 4 years to complete. I had somehow imagined it taking somewhere closer to 3 years. Maybe I should up my rate?Nothing spectacular in this set. I just plough through them and am happy when they are over.
Day 19: Saturday, May 08-04
A good suburi session. I am really concentrating on making cuts; imagining I am striking an opponent again and again. The first 500 are good. I fight the pain and concentrate. The next 300 are less committed. I can't find the spirit. Finally I get to the last 200 and regain some focus.The other day I was thinking about mental attitude. I was reading a book in which the author described an 11 hour train journey. He had imagined the train would be empty, but instead it was packed and he and his companion had to stand through the night.
Imagine if I said to you, 'Stand there for the next 11 hours' you would tell me you couldn't do it. But if you had to do it, you had no other choice, then you could. We give ourselves limit. We except excuses. We justify failure. 'It's so-and-so's fault I can't do this'.
Sean Fitzpatrick, a famous NZ rugby player once said, 'Find that place in your mind which is complacent and crush it.'
Day 20: Sunday, May 09-04
Today I just want to sleep.A very difficult session all the way through. However, I discover that if I breath in aggressively the suburi become easier to perform. Of course, I can't take big, snorting lungfuls of breath during ji-geiko, but it is interesting to see clearly the extent to which breathing impacts on kendo.
20000 suburi completed. Only another 980,000 to go!
Day 21: Monday, May 10-04
I thought that the more suburi I do the easier it would become. This is not the case. They just become harder and harder as I refine my style.I had a blister on my hand. It popped and another blister grew on top of it. I now have a callous and it doesn't hurt. I hope this is an allegory for the suburi.
On the plus side, they seem to be becoming more natural. I breathe without having to think about releasing for five cuts - it just comes. As do the movements; more fluid.
I try and 'get lower', pushing my centre of balance downwards through the floor.
Tuesday, May 11-04
No suburi as we have our monthly training with the surrounding dojos. 16 people come from 4 dojos, a few for the first time. It is nice to fence with new people.There is always a challenge of getting over nerves. I have practiced kendo for over 10 years and still they come.
I make one or two resolutions before practice based on things I have heard and observed over the last few weeks.
Firstly, I resolve never to let another person trick me. Sometimes opponents wave their arms around alarmingly and make threatening noises hoping that I will open a suki. Normally I do, allowing them to take a point and feel good about themselves. The other night I realised this has been happening for many years and I felt very annoyed with myself for letting it happen.
Tonight I try and remain calm and centred, not opening a suki despite their theatrics. It seems to work better (not perfectly). Often they open a suki and I can cut. Maybe before I have been too panicked to notice. I will investigate this further.
Secondly, the other day I was talking to a sempai and he said that a way to attack was to be patient. During practice I try to be more patient in my kendo. It is difficult because it is easy simply to 'wait' and do nothing. I will tuck this away for looking at later.
Finally my teacher criticises my ki-ken-tai-ichi. I have the perception it was good - he says it is appalling. Ha! Clearly - to absurdly quote Top Gun - my ego has been writing cheques that my skill level cannot cash. This shows that the only thing that matters in kendo is getting the basics right, whatever your level.
Get the basics right!
Day 22: Wednesday, May 12-04
It is becoming difficult to remember that each suburi is distinct. I have to remind myself that I am cutting a target. If it had been a real sword and a real target the sword would have certainly broken because of my imprecise strikes. I can see why Japanese swordsmen often practiced calligraphy.I also have to force myself to concentrate as my head is full of trivia and whatever stupid illusion my mind can conjure. 'Here I am, surrounded by admiring kendoka'. 'Here I am blah blah blah...' This is ignorance.
I actually look forward to doing the suburi today and when I reach the end I do 10 more, then 10 more. Fortunately my wife comes home before this gets out of hand.
Thursday, May 13-04
No suburi today as I have kendo practice. I look forward to it all day.
After the practice a beginner says, ‘Oh. I see you have injured your knee. I thought you didn’t do sonkyo or seiza because you’re so good.’ This made me cringe. I am clearly showing a bad example to my juniors. Also, I do not feel very good at kendo. In fact, I leave the dojo feeling very despondent.
At the very end my teacher made a lovely men against me. A sutemi attack which I could only watch.
Part of the disappointment is because unrealistically, I expected these suburi to be a panacea; a magic bullet that would transform my kendo. I do feel some improvement, but I have to remind myself to be realistic – kendo is a lifelong endeavour. There is no arrival point.
The other part of the disappointment comes from realising that I will never be the ‘best’ at kendo. When I started kendo my teacher said that there will always be people better than you and people below you. I immediately thought – not for long, mate. I am going to be the best!
Last night - 12 years later - I realise that what he said was true. This is not an unpainful realisation.
Perhaps it is more important just to be doing my best, looking sincerely for improvement, not accepting any excuses. Writing this reminds me of what another teacher said just before I took a kyu examination. Something along the lines of, ‘Go out there and do your best kendo. Say to the judges, “Hey, look at me. This is my best kendo!”’
After the practice we go and have a pizza. I enjoy the camaraderie a lot. Unusually, during the meal my teacher comes up to me and makes some encouraging comments about my kendo. He advises me that during suburi my left hand is not going back far enough. Also he tells me that I don’t bring my shinai into a 45 degree angle. I mentally note it down, then I write it here so I won’t forget.
He gives me the corner of a square. It is up to me to find the other corners. I wish it wasn't quite so painful.
Later...It occurs to me that my ego is too attached to wanting to strike. I see the enemy, I become attached to him and my desire to cut him. Yamaoka Tesshu wrote:
"Swordsmen train diligently to reach the ultimate state of "no-enemy." To focus on the relative strength or weakness of an opponent is to lose the state of no-enemy. All depends on mind...
Outside the mind there is no sword - this is "no-sword." "No-sword" means "no-mind"; "no-mind" means a "mind that abides nowhere." If the mind stops, the opponent appears; if the mind remains fluid, no enemy exists...
Practice day and night and you will attain the state of no-enemy. Train harder and harder!"
I have quoted this passage from this website.
Day 23: Friday, May 14-04
I have dinner with my wife and consume half a bottle of wine. I still do my suburi, rather lopsidedly at first. Gradually they come together.A languorous set. Unsurprisingly, no insights.
Day 24: Saturday, May 15-04
Another 1000 done. I am habitually stopping at 500. This is probably a bad habit and I will try and break it.I do my suburi first thing in the morning. All day long I have to remind myself that they are done and I don't need to find time later in the day to do them.
Usually I start the suburi slowly. The first 30 are a warm up, then gradually my body snaps in.
At around the 800 mark I am doing the suburi mindlessly. My breathing is smooth and the bokken flicks forwards and backwards. Then my mind say, 'HEY! You're doing these suburi mindlessly! KULE!'
I lose whatever I had. I finish disappointed
Day 25: Saturday, May 16-04
I come back from a very long walk and fall asleep. Around 19.00 I begin. I surprise myself with the speed I do the suburi at.I concentrate on my left leg. My wife watched the kendo practice on Thursday and said that I tended to drag it a bit after striking. (She is shodan). I make sure it snaps into the strike. I believe that kendo starts and ends with good footwork.
For the last 300 strikes my feet feel like they are on runners, sliding backwards and forwards. It is a nice feeling. I drag my breath in and exhale slowly. I don't want to stop.
I have to be 100% present in a strike to make it good. No point thinking about the past or some illusionary future.
Here and now I am striking MEN!
Monday, May 17-04
Kendo practice. All day I am excited. Something like a child whose birthday is just round the corner.We do about 250 suburi right off the bat. It is good fun. I think the secret is to do the technique properly then you don't get tired. This has little to do with gritted teeth machismo.
We put on our men and do kirikaeshi and other kihon. Looking back now I realise that I am allowing my knee to become an excuse for not doing this properly. I will change my attitude for next practice.
Then we do 5 attacks against our partner who has to defend using a waza. It is good to have a partner who is really into this and likes to be attacked with everything. I cheekily try gyaku-do and receive a strong men for my troubles.
We do several rounds of ji-geiko. I do not feel I gain any particular insight. This may be because I try nothing new. I just attempt to defend my centre and strike when I can. Am I being complacent?
At the moment we have a ladder competition in the club. I challenge the person two places above me. The last time we fought he won. I reflected on my defeat and thought that it was because I wanted to win too much and was sucked in to taking silly risks. This time I put in a more controlled display and beat him.
After the practice my teacher tells me that I need to 'explode' into attacks. He says that apart from the men I made, the other cuts were too slow. He is right. It was very undynamic.
After the practice I do kata with a sempai. I need to control my breath more and, if we had been using real swords, I would have lost a couple of fingers. I do not know how to remedy this except to train more.
I compare this journal entry to my last entry after training. This time I feel satisfied with my kendo, but do not have any particular insight. The last practice I left feeling very despondent but recorded many things. I think there is a key here.
It reminds me of the kendo maxim that you should not be afraid of being cut many many many times. Each time you should say 'Arigatou' and accept the lesson.
Day 26, Tuesday, May 18-04
I come home from work and get stuck into the suburi immediately.Perhaps because of the practice yesterday my shoulders feel very relaxed. The suburi come easily and 1000 are quickly completed.
My wife comes home and we watch The Last Samurai. It makes me guffaw, especially when it starts banging on about 'honour'. I love the kendo training too: Lesson 1 - Get your head kicked in; Lesson 2 - No mind (And why not!)
But, who am I to mock? My interest in Japan started around the time I read James Clavell's 'Shogun'. Maybe Samurai is this generation's Shogun.
Anyway, I enjoy the suburi and resolve to do more than my normal number tomorrow.
Day 27, Wednesday, May 19-04
I set my internal alarm clock and it actually wakes me up at 6.00am. I start the suburi at 6.30.When I cut I try and line up the end of the bokken with a point on the wall. It's very difficult and requires more control than I have at the moment. The tip of the bokken doesn't stop smoothly. It always pulls one way or the other. This is probably due to poor footwork and tenouchi.
I have to really push myself through the last 50. I am satisfied when they are finished.
Later.
I do another 1000 suburi just before bed. I am feeling very inspired. I hope this doesn't lead to burn out.
I try and allow my strikes to arrive naturally, completely divorced from my intellect or emotions. I do not try and do a good strike, indeed I try and distance myself from desiring to do a good strike.
Afterwards I feel relaxed, alert and happy. I do not feel pumped up and aggressive. This may be a significant key.
With this set of suburi complete I also reach a personal milestone. I have filled in exactly half a row of tiny circles on my piece of paper: 28 circles filled in, only 972 circles left to do. When I reduce life to simply a question of filling in circles it becomes much easier.
Thursday, May 20-04
Kendo practice tonight. Most of the seniors arrive late!We do suburi and kihon. I try to concentrate on getting a smart ki-ken-tai-ichi, but it is very difficult. I think my back needs to be straighter to get a nice fumikomi. I tend to tilt forward with hunched shoulders.
I take another step up the ladder, beating an 1 kyu opponent. Again, my teacher says that I don't explode into attack, apart from when I make a point. He is right.
No particular insights tonight.
Day 28, Friday, May 21-04
Just for a change I decide to do 1000 suburi. They feel OK and I do them in one set.
Saturday, May 22 - Sunday, May 23-04
No suburi this weekend as we travel to a competition. Our dojo has entered a team of 3 and more people in the individual competitions.I feel that our team - myself, a 4th dan sempai and our 5th dan teacher - are fairly strong. We feel that we have the ability to make it to the final, bur we lose in the semi-finals.
My teacher tells me that he was happier with my last fight, which I lost, then the first fights, which I drew. He says that I adapt my kendo to the person in front of me when I should dictate the rhythm of the fight. He noted that when I fought against better people my kendo improved to their level, but it deteriorate when fencing with people weaker than me.
I think this is probably my approach to life. I follow the other's rhythm and tone. I dance to their tune when I should be confident enough to follow my own. I need to apply myself to this.
For our efforts we each receive a rather naff prize. I will send it to my teacher in Japan in revenge for all the tat he has given me over the previous few years.
We sleep in the dojo. At about 11pm I do kata with the sempai from my dojo. It is a crazy time to do it, but somehow they really make an impression.
Sunday and we enter the individual contests. My teacher comes in third and I and my sempai are in the last eight. Another guy from our dojo travels for 3 hours, arrives, puts on his stuff and loses. He remains in good spirits nonetheless, so can it really be a defeat?
I feel happier with my fights and do one good men against my third opponent. I lose my last fight in encho. Somehow my confidence seems to go. I think it may be the pressure of the do-or-die situation. I need more mental strength so as not to get rattled. I think the suburi do provide this and it is a mental challenge as well as a physical one.
We leave bruised, aching and clutching our memorabilia.
Day 29, Monday, May 24-04
Of the 30 000 suburis so far, the last 1000 were probably the hardest. My body really didn't want to do them. My knee swelled again over the weekend and I strained a muscle in my chest. I also have a stinking cold.However, I find that by concentrating on the correct form the suburi become easier. I use minimal force in my fingers. Just the little finger on my left hand to flick the bokken backwards and forwards and my little and ring finger on my right to catch it. My feet I can't change too much, but I try and make sure they are in a good position.
Still it's difficult and I end up doing them in sets of 150, theatrically groaning in agony when I finish each set. It's very farcical. 'Look at me' I seem to be saying. 'Look what I do for my kendo!'
Better to get on with it and save myself the histrionics.
Day 30, Tuesday, May 25-04
It's a beautiful evening and I am conscious of wanting to be outside rather than doing the suburi. I go through them quickly.Again, I use minimum force, just the edges of my little fingers and my toes. I concentrate on my left arm and leg as I have heard many times that these are the most important things to be aware of when making a cut. I am not sure exactly what I am looking for. I assume it is a feeling of 'connection' between them. Whatever it is I don't feel it.
I do think that using minimal physical effort is very important. I have heard stories of 70 year olds doing 3000 suburi a day and you can be sure it's not because they are supremely muscular. It reminds me of a maxim I heard when I first started kendo - 'Minimum force, maximum effect'. In the long term this must be the way forward. I am not going to be strong for ever.
Having said that, it is interesting to note that I feel much better already and I can do the suburi in two sets of 500 where yesterday I coughed and wheezed through them.
Through the window I can see a beautiful sunset. Swallows draw intricate patterns on the sky.
Later.
My wife notes that I have more energy compared to when I started the suburi. She doesn't say whether this is a good thing or not.
Day 31, Wednesday, May 26-04
A small breakthrough today.I notice that when I slide my right foot forward it stops with a smart, 'clap' sound. When I snap my left foot forward and make the cut I make a similar sound. Something like a beat on a drum.
If I time my cut correctly going forwards or backwards so that the cut stops exactly at the moment when the corresponding foot stops - i.e. for a moment I am entirely motionless - then my style opens and I don't get any wobble.
For the first time I have the connection between my legs and my arms. This is maybe the start of cutting with my legs.
Pom...
Pom...
I demonstrate to my wife who looks wildly impressed.
I extrapolate this to when I strike men ippon. At the exact moment of fumikomi we make the cut and ki-ai - ki-ken-tai-ichi. This must be the same principle. I wonder if at that exact moment we are motionless. Maybe, maybe not. I will bear this in mind tomorrow at pracice.
This probably all sounds very familiar, but it is the first time I have felt it.
Thursday, May 27-04
Kendo training.A somehow quiet practice. Maybe the weather has become humid.
Again my teacher admonishes me 'ki-ken-tai-ichi!'. It's still not together.
Maybe a small improvement when I imagine I am cutting only with my feet. I want to cut you so I do fumikomi. Somehow my shinai follows.
After practice pizza. After pizza, sleep.
Day 32, Friday, May 28-04
Another day, another tiny circle. In the future I may just time 25 minutes so I don't have to think 'One, two, three... Is that 750 or 850?'Note to self 1: allow yourself to make the movement naturally. Don't count, don't want, don't.... The movement arises naturally.
Note to self 2: 'train for nothing more than the fact of training.'
(Merci, Chef)
Day 33, Monday, May 31-04
No suburi over the weekend as I go on holiday.Another 1000 suburi. I try and 'cut with my feet'. I don't worry about my arms, I just concentrate on moving my right foot forward, then snapping my left forward, ensuring that they are well-aligned and well-balanced at the end of the movement. The same in reverse going backwards.
When I started kendo my teacher said that all problems in kendo are caused by the feet. If you have a problem you should look at your feet. He also said that as I have long legs I would have to work 3 times harder to get it right.
Towards the end of the suburi I notice that I am almost doing them in sets in of 10, then a slight pause, then another committed set of ten. I finish the last 250 or so like this. As I mentioned before, the suburi get harder and harder as I refine my style.
It is somehow nice to get back into suburi again. I fill in another tiny circle and try and remain upbeat about the mountain ahead.