July 04
Thursday, Jul 1-04
I start work at 6am and still have seriously too much work to have time to kendo. I go anyway.
For this practice I resolve to concentrate on leaving my hands strong but flexible. I adjust my left hand so that it has a more dominant place on the tsuka.
We do suburi and kihon. My nuki-doh against men is too big. I have to find a way to flick my shinai onto the target rather than make a baseball swing.
We have time for only 3 ji-geikos. I fence with a shodan, but I do not have much 'go forward'. Perhaps I am concentrating too much cerebrally on right technique. It may also be because I have not compensated well for the hot weather and am dehydrated without realising it. Anyway, too much pansying around in this ji-geiko.
I fence with an ikkyu. Then I fence with one of the quieter girls. She takes a great men off me in ippon-shobu. I think she believed I gave it to her. In fact, I was overwhelmed by her attack.
Writing this I realise that I don't adjust my kendo for how I am feeling. I am feeling tired so I just think 'Survive' rather than thinking, 'What is the best strategy to employ given in this circumstance I am weaker?' I need to accept I have limitations and know how to deal with them.
The Shifty One and his muscle-bound companion come to training, their eyes sparkling. I ask them why they want to start kendo. Apparently they have done other training, but wanted to try fencing.
The Muscled One says that he found out about the dojo and they just decided to come. This, I reflect, is the best way. Why build it up?
Finally, last week's beginner comes to training. I act as if nothing has happened, but inside I am greatly relieved.
Day 57: Friday, Jul 2-04
I just slash my way through. I don't want to start and I can't wait to finish.
Day 58: Saturday, Jul 3-04
I discover a way of moving forwards and backwards more easily. I lower my centre of balance as far as possible, then I tense my lower abdominal muscles. It seems to propel me quite well.
I look at a picture of a Japanese teacher's kamae. His hands are very high up (in comparison to mine), but he has an incredibly strong kamae. I think this is all linked to going straight, from centre, from the hips.
I have been neglecting my breathing recently, so this time I concentrate on it more.
I fill in another circle and try not to congratulate myself on my progress. It is still very early days and it's too easy to be side-tracked.
Day 59: Sunday, Jul 4-04
I don't remember much about this set. I just get my head down and get them done.
Day 60: Monday, Jul 5-04
My course finishes late as the teacher is sidetracked by meaningless questions. It is too late to go to kendo which annoys me intensely. I pick up my armour from the dojo for the training tomorrow.
I go home and start suburi at around 10.30.
I am concentrating on forcing my breath into what I believe is called the tanden or lower abdomen. I feel the energy pass into my legs. It is like tingly electricity.
I try and do the suburi from my tanden, moving backwards and forwards by this force alone. Indeed, I notice that by moving with alacrity it becomes easier to raise my arms into the jodan position.
Watching an iaido video the other day I notice that the senior practitioners have amazingly strong legs. They move, if you will excuse the clumsy-sounding analogy, like centaurs. I try and emulate this example.
It is easy to find myself slacking off. I push myself onwards, snapping the bokken, moving with intent, moulding my mind to fulfil its purpose.
Sometimes the suburi are as gentle as waves, sometimes they are like an hysterical combine-harvester.
Tuesday, Jul 6-04
I miss a day's practice.
My day's schedule goes to pot when I am reminded that there is no special practice tonight. It then gets shot to pieces when my wife calls and says, 'Where are you?? Why aren't you at the jazz festival??' I had forgotten completely.
I get back from the festival at 3am. I consider doing suburi, but I fall asleep. I resolve to get up early and do 2000 tomorrow.
Day 61: Wednesday, Jul 7-04
A cramp in my leg wakes me up just before 6am. I start the suburi around 6.40. I want to get through them as quickly as possible.
However, I discover that the quickest way to do them is to do them properly. This reminds of a quote I read the other day that said that the shortcut is invariably the longest route. With this is mind I concentrate on making good cuts.
I am relieved to finish, but go to work knowing that I have another 1000 to do when I get home, and slightly disappointed that I missed a day yesterday due to my poor scheduling.
Later
I come home and knock out another 1000.
It is very difficult not to think 'What will it be like when I finish?' 'What will my kendo look like?' 'Will I be able to kill everyone?'
These thoughts strike me as very low level. I wish I could train purely to train; not to be constantly asking myself 'What's in it for me?'
After suburi I think idly for a while.
Previously I had considered the ending of the ZNKR 'Concept of kendo' as a complete redundancy, '
To love his/her country and society,
To contribute to the development of culture
And to promote peace and prosperity among all peoples.'Then I realise that Kendo is a way to promote harmony within the community.
Tesshu said that harmony comes from the simple but profound rule, 'You before me'.
How different is that from the pervading corporate philosophy of, 'Take what you can.'
Thursday, Jul 8-04
Kendo practice, time to go psycho.
Before practice I ask my teacher to assess my hands. I have to rest my right hand alongside the tsuka, the tsuka running along the muscled 'V' on my palm. I have to wrap about half my little finger around the base of the tsuka so that I can tsuki probably. As he has explained before, the left hand position is different between using a bokken for suburi and a shinai for geiko.
My teacher asks me to lead the suburi. He tells me what he wants. I still feel nervous and I have to force myself to relax. It's quite daunting being out the front. I hadn't realised.
We do lots of kihon: men-kote-do-tsuki-men, kote-men, men-taiatari-do... I just try to attack from the hips, get lower, get the breathing right and really explode into cuts.
We do ji-geiko. I realise that I am still over-intellectualising things. When I decide not to think, just attack from as far away as possible, I start to make some nice points. I fence with a wide selection of seniors, contemporaries and juniors. Unfortunately I miss the opportunity to fence with my teacher.
I am going to work on all these points between now and Monday.
Finally...
I overheard the following conversation on the train. I was standing in a corridor. There was an older tourist couple there too. Their son came back up the corridor.
'Mom. Dad. I have found some seats..'
'Great' said the father, without a trace of irony, 'which way are they?'
I reached for his stupid luggage...
Day 62: Friday, Jul 9-04
My long-suffering wife takes me on a date. We go to a festival afterwards.
I start my suburi at 22.30. I suppose she is resigned to it now. The secret of kendo? To get along with your wife.
Day 63: Saturday, Jul 10-04
I am blending other cuts into the suburi: sayu-men, do, kote, sometimes even tsuki. Although this may help in kendo practice, I worry that I am taking the easy option, retreating from the pain of making 1000 shomen cuts. I think of the phrase, 'Subjugate the self, bear the pain of gruelling practice.'
Since the beginning of the suburi the blisters and calluses on my hands have migrated a few times across my palms. I note today that they are starting to disappear. I take this as a good sign.
935 000 suburi left to do.
Day 64: Sunday, Jul 11-04
For perhaps the first time I think 'That was a good session'. Maybe I'll look back on these words and laugh, but that is how it feels.
Monday, Jul 12-04
My course finishes on time and I scamper down to the dojo. I join the training at 9pm.
We do lots of renzoku waza. Everything happens too fast to think. Between rounds I move my hands up and down the tsuka, trying to find the correct position.
We do harai-men. I do it wrong, so my teacher shows me that I have to flip my aite's sword up, not slap it down.
I feel like I am still top-heavy. I have to consciously push my balance lower. Something to work on during the suburi.
We do ji-geiko. My teacher asks for san-pon shobu. It is very difficult to 'refuse' this attacks with force of spirit and good technique.
We fence for more than five minutes, during which time we both get a point. It comes down to who wants it more - or who will not submit. My teacher gets a point as I give up. Afterwards I am very disappointed with myself for letting myself down.
I fence with an ikkyu and try and attack from a long distance. For the first time I am able to do hiki-do-men. I fence with a beginner and he gets a superb men.
Finally I fence with a sempai who is experimenting with jodan. Last week I was able to get points from him freely. This week it is far more evenly matched. At the end of the practice we do kirikaeshi with 50 cuts.
After the practice my teacher says that with every attack I should be going confidently for a point. At the moment, particularly from tsubazeriai, I am just hoping somehow, with luck, I will make a good strike.
I reflect that this is true. I am far from the imperturbable mind that I wish to attain. I panic, I am afraid to be hit. I read the following:
'If an opponent frightens or confuses you, it means you lack true insight. Solve the koan of 'Originally not one thing exists (Honrai mubutsu) and nothing will obstruct you.'
I took Tesshu 10 years after hearing this advice to solve that koan, and even then he needed more time to find his enlightenment.
Me, I don't even know where to start.
Day 65: Tuesday, Jul 13-04
I do my suburi. I concentrate on the balls of my feet, trying to remain perfectly balanced at all times. My hands feel good, but I need my feet to improve.
Someone asks me to write a biography. I begin, then I stop. After considering this for a day the only biography I can think of is:
'I look at my life and reflect it is characterised by weakness, failure and duplicity. Kendo gives me hope that I can improve it.'
Day 66: Wednesday, Jul 14-04
We come back late from visiting a relative. I feel my wife wants me to skip a day, but I don't. I am sure this is difficult for her. I am not the only person making a sacrifice.
I water the flowers, then I practice 1000 cuts.
Writing the above line reminds me of something that happened a few years. I will record it here for what it's worth.
My first competition took place in Japan just after I received my shodan. All my friends and teachers were there. I keenly wanted to show them my best kendo.
Just before my combat I had this sudden vision or idea of a flower opening. I won this combat scoring two mens.
After the competition I spoke to one of my teachers and explained to him what I had experienced. Unfortunately my Japanese was not sufficiently good enough to understand the reply.
Now it strikes me that we cannot force our level of development. The flower in the mud opens when it is appropriate. The teacher strikes when it is appropriate, when this instant arises. There is no thought of profit or loss.
I noticed last week in ji-geiko that when I want to strike, when I want to win, I struggle to make even the most miserly of strikes. When I am relaxed I can strike from far away. It is clear which I should practice.
Thursday, Jul 15-04
Kendo training. My teacher admonishes me for my posture. I am too far back. I move forward slightly and it feels better. I think it is time to concentrate more on my feet and hips so that my strikes start coming from the right place.
My hiki-men during ji-geiko is also criticised for being too big. It is just a movement from the hands, not a big heave from the shoulders.
Towards the end we do continuous ippon-shobu. When someone makes a point the winner stays and another person steps in. Previously I have always lacked the confidence to step in - you have to have a positive attitude and, if I am honest, I used to be scared of making mistake. This time I get stuck in and really enjoy it.
There is no time to think, only to act. You never know where the next opponent is coming from. In my last round I seem to go from person to person in one long ki-ai. We do one more ji-geiko afterwards.
I feel like I could fight all night.
Here I need to insert a caveat.
It is possible for me to do my suburi because I have 10 years of experience. More importantly, my teacher knows what I am doing and monitors my kendo to make sure I am not getting into bad habits (which I have done).
I have no wish to discourage you from refining your techniques at home, but anybody doing a similar challenge runs the risk of indelibly acquiring bad habits.
Before you start, speak to your teacher and listen to his advice.
~ Day 69: Monday, Jul 19-04
I have been doing the suburi, but not keeping this diary as my daughter arrived on Friday, 16 July.
Tonight is kendo training. I will write more later.
Day 70: Tuesday, Jul 20-04
Another 1000, slowly because my knees are shot.
Will write more when not spending everyday at the hospital.
Day 71-73: Wed-Fri, Jul 21-23-04
1000 suburi each day. I do the first 500 with big, airy cuts. I want to make the most perfect strikes possible - not just muscle through them faster and faster. I really concentrate on breathing deeply and exhaling for 5, 6, sometimes even ten cuts.
For the last 500 the pace increases to a normal dojo pace, but my technique remains steady after the first 500 slow cuts. This also helps my footwork and, of course, my poor knees.
After practice on Monday my teacher and I discussed seme and judging the right moment to cut. This is probably the starting point for 'proper' ki-ken-tai-ichi' and is certainly a lifetime's work.
Later...
My wife: What do you think of Peter Rabbit?
Me: I think he is inexpressibly cool.
Day 74: Saturday, Jul 24-04
The slow suburis continue. Strangely, the hardest thing to do is to keep my gaze level and forward. I find it wandering off and my concentration with it.
I imagine I am facing another person. I have two or three strong kendokas who I think about. I find the pace of my suburi picks up. Maybe my kendo will be better when I can remain calm regardless of who I am facing.
Day 75: Sunday, Jul 25-04
I do not want to start this set. Why should I? I want to speak to my wife, talk to my baby, sit in the sunshine. Needless to say I do another 1000, and am pleased I did. I remember Tesshu's words, '...give up and you'll amount to nothing.' (I will write the full quote when I find it.)
I also like following poem:
'Zen Bat
Aren't there any birds
around here?
This cheeky bat has let his
whiskers grow
And is lording it over everything.'
Monday, Jul 26-04
I go down to kendo. Not many people there as everyone has gone/are going on holiday. Just the crazy ones left.
In this session I resolve to allow my kendo to happen without forcing it.
When I was second dan I just concentrated on vigorously attacking as much as possible. When I was coming up to my third dan my priority was to hold centre better and attack with better reason. In October next year I will be eligible for my 4th dan. For this I think I will have to show seme and the ability to strike spontaneously.
I practice these things and and am cut many times. I have to accept these and keep on experimenting. On one occasion against a nidan I do something that feels like seme. On another occasion I do a nice men. I will remember these and try and build on them.
I realise that a rugby player's strength is not what is needed. Strong hips, sure, but more important is the ability to keep good posture and the correct mind.
As an aside, when I was nidan I thought, 'My kendo is none too shabby.' Hahaha. I actually believed I was doing kendo. Now, at san dan, I am starting to have the same thoughts again. This is ridiculous posturing. I can maybe count the times I have done kendo on one hand.
Day 76: Tuesday, Jul 27-04
I do the suburi before breakfast. They are disturbed my wife needing some things, the baby being changed etc. I rate the success of this set against my ability to pick up where I left off without feeling unduly ruffled.
I try and take the suburi to the edge of what I believe is possible.
Later...
I reflect that I have much in common with my daughter. We both enjoy lounging around all day in our pyjamas, we both have furry ears, and if we drink too much we vomit.
Day 77: Wednesday, Jul 28-04
First day back at work - depression. Soon lifted, however, by 1000 suburis.
I make them slow and accurate. I read a story somewhere about Musashi cutting a grain of rice he had placed on a student's head. A level of accuracy I can only aspire to.
I am trying to get away from consciously doing the suburi. To do this is I am resting my gaze on one spot. The longer I can do this the better able I am to concentrate. I wonder if this is a little like zen? If my mind wanders then so does my gaze. Looking at one spot - who'd have thought it would be so difficult?
Thursday, Jul 29-04
Kendo training. Before practice I use the mirror to assess how I step forwards into, and backwards from, sonkyo. I notice that my feet do not slide smoothly and my shiani is at the wrong angle. One's kendo ability can easily be assessed by these small things, so I resolve to work on them over the coming weeks.
We learn new shinai-based kata which focus on kihon. Then we put on men and practice kirikaeshi and seme.
This is the first time we have formally looked at seme. I shall record here for my records the forms we practiced, noting that this is certainly something to build on for the next few years.
Attacking:
Push forward taking centre as if to attack men. No reaction? Strike men! Aite pushes your shinai back? Spring over for kote. Aite raises arms to protect men? Strike do.
Push forward on the left as if to attack kote. Aite pushes your shinai back? Tsuki! (This is difficult to perform.)
Counter-attacking (inviting a strike - irashaimase):
Both sides apply pressure. You allow centre to be taken so your aite attacks men. You counter with suriage-men.
Both sides apply pressure. You allow centre to be taken so your aite attacks kote. You counter with suriage-kote, or kote-men.
There are others which we practiced, but I cannot remember them.
In ji-geiko I try and use these, but to not much effect. During keiko with my teacher he does makiotoshi and flings my shinai away. I reflect on when he does this and resolve not to let him do it again.
I practice with a nidan and manage to do seme once. After the practice I reflect that I am too attached to not being hit that I don't allow myself to train properly. I must get over this.
Tomorrow I will do my 80 000th suburi.
Day 78: Friday, Jul 30-04
Today I do my 80 000th suburi but I am given cause to reflect on the courage of my wife.
Here she is carrying on as normal, despite getting 4 hours sleep every night and all the other aches and pains that go with it. She accepts no excuses from herself. She doesn't quit. She never says, 'I am tough.' I will try and cultivate such a character.
Day 79: Saturday, Jul 31-04
I remember one more incident from training last Monday. A shodan tells me that I use my shoulders too much in hiki-waza. He is right, my hiki-waza is a no-go area. He points out, and I agree, that I have no tenouchi going backwards. This is because in tsubazeriai I allow my hands to lose their position in the shinai.
On Thursday I try this out with some success am start to feel a little bit more comfortable in this position.
I do 1000 suburi. They are incredibly tough. I don't know why. I stop a few times. I still can't keep my gaze in the same place. I lack concentration. They just get harder.
