June 04

 

Day 34: Tuesday, Jun 1-04

It is difficult to concentrate all the way through the suburi. I keep thinking about a minor incident in the dojo a week ago. It is very undisciplined and contrary to my hope to live wholly in the present.

An unconvincing set. I decide just to concentrate on my left leg and my left arm. I think this will be the motif for the next few days.

 

 

Day 35: Wednesday, Jun 2-04

A good session. The first few hundred are nothing special, but gradually I relax and the suburi come. I think it's a matter of not trying to force them to happen or, conversely, letting yourself indulge in an idle mentality. Something between one and the other.

During work I read an interesting article on ji-geiko posted in the British Kendo Association web site. I think it important for me to give some thought and experiment to seme. This is something that has hardly crossed my mind in all the time I have kendo. I think I will approach my teacher directly for some pointers, probably after the next practice.

Every day I look forward to the suburi.

 

 

Thursday, Jun 3-04

No suburi as we have kendo training. I say no suburi, but we do about 300 to warm up. I am a suburi machine!

LOL

I find writing this diary helps me think about and remember what I hear and see during a practice.

I note that my kote is easily taken. I ask someone who cut me kote how she was able to do it. She replies that it is because I begin my cuts by raising my right hand giving her an easy target. In future I will remember to use my left.

I try to do seme and to provoke an attack. It doesn't work particularly well, but I think this is something to work on. I want to provoke particular attacks which I can counter. I try this on my teacher and am forced into making pathetic attempts at kaeshi-do while he runs rings round me. Better just to attack maybe.

Unfortunately there is no time after the practice to ask for his advice. Again we have 40 people there. I don't know where they come from.

When I come home I consider doing 1000 suburi. Fortunately sanity prevails.

 

 

Day 36: Friday, Jun 4-04

 

Apparently there were 48 people at the training yesterday! I am amazed that we were able to have such a good practice.

Today it is somehow simple to just let the suburi come. I try and use minimum force, with my mind balanced and my legs moving robustly.

The only comment I can make is something I read a long time ago, 'Make your kendo kamae your everyday kamae.'

Then I go out and get drunk.

 

 

Day 37: Saturday, Jun 5-04

 

An incredibly difficult set. I feel like crying halfway through. I don't know why. It's not because of the physical pain. I call myself all sorts of obscene names to keep going. I do the last 10 in a blur of speed to finish them as quickly as possible.

On Thursday I watched my teacher demonstrating suburi. I noticed that he flicks his feet forwards from the ankles in a similar way I flick the bokken with my wrists. I try this today.

Remembering the maxim 'minimum force, maximum effect' I use as few muscles as possible. It's difficult to concentrate because the flat is so noisy. This is good practice, but the first 400 or so feel dry. I just plough on trying not to take shortcuts.

Yesterday I read the following in the autobiography of Christian Cullen, an All Black. It's from a note his coach sent him:

'...We plan, we commit to excellence and consistent work habits. We also need to pay the price - make the sacrifices needed to take [All Black Rugby] to another level.

Don't be sidetracked. Deliver first rate performances everyday. Take pride in making sacrifices. Chase your dreams. Continually ask yourself, 'Is this the right thing to do?'...

Trust yourself. Enjoy the journey as success has many flavours.

While you're at it, murmur a prayer for any opponents who dare get in your way.'

 

 

Day 38: Sunday, Jun 6-04

 

The challenge continues.

If I compare my suburi now to those when I first started I think the main difference is that I am more involved with the movements. By this I mean that I use more and more of my body to make a strike. Before I was just trying to use only some parts. By giving everything to a strike, by not being ungenerous, they become both easier and more difficult.

I think it is good to have a target number to do. It means that  you have a restricted amount of time to do a good suburi. I know I have only 1000 cuts in which to make good suburi. This is actually a high number. If I could make just one fantastic cut and then stop I would.

I washed my kendo-gi yesterday. Folding it up today reminds me of my enjoyment of practicing kendo. Just that simple fact - practicing.

Above my computer is the cow bell I won in Zurich. I'll give it a little rattle and then enjoy my Sunday.

 

 

Day 39: Monday, Jun 7-04

 

My wife wakes me up at 6am, gleefully reminding me of my flippant pledge the night before to get up early and do a set before work. It doesn't seem fair on a Monday morning.

I begin the set slowly and gradually build up to it. I was reading The Definitive Guide to Kendo last night where the author is talking about 'looking at a distant mountain.' In this set I try and keep my gaze focused, but it is very easy to get distracted.  I am sure that this is an important element to incorporate into my kendo. I hope to practice this more over the coming suburi.

40 000 suburi done. 960 000 left.

Later.

Rereading my diary now I realise how ridiculous a lot of it sounds. 'I want to do suburi for these reasons.' 'I do this because I want to see these benefits.' 'After doing suburi x amount of times I want to be here.' 

Why have I decided where I want to go when I don't even know where the journey is taking me?

Anyway, I have taken the decision not to change any entries, however ear-tinglingly embarrassing they may be. This is a diary, not a work of art.

Later still

Almost all the seniors are at practice tonight so lots of exciting ji-geiko to be had. 

I feel jump-up-and-down excited when I arrive. We do some warm ups, suburi and then into armour. We do some kihon, but not huge amounts. The temperature is touching 28 degrees. One guy looks like he has gone swimming in his gi.

We do shiai-geiko for those wishing to progress up the ladder. I am a shimpan. It is difficult to remain objective when you are judging your friends. You feel 'Oh, this person's kendo is obviously better than the other person's' and judge accordingly. I definitely allowed one point and maybe even two because of this. I will try and remain impassive in the future.

We do many ji-geikos after that. I have nothing particular to note except it was excellent fun. I love fencing with people who just give you 100% whatever their level.

At the end we do one set of kirikaeshi. I start well, but then I think 'Wow, this is difficult' and immediately my spirit dips. I must remain stoic or even unthinking until the very last bow.

 

 

Tuesday, Jun 8-04

 

We have our monthly gorudo (sic) geiko. Many people are there from 5 dojos. It is about 28 degrees and everyone feels like stopping. However, if we train really hard in the heat next time it will be less painful. 

I hope.

We do men, then kirikaeshi, then kote-men, then do-kirikaeshi, then men-tai atari a handful of times. It is difficult not to think 'This is tough' and flag accordingly. I resolve to cut off that part of my brain that can't be bothered.

We do ji-geiko for about 15 minutes, break for five, then another 20 minutes. I fence with a wide selection of juniors, seniors and contemporaries. 

I notice that if my left hand is lower in kamae it becomes easier to strike. I wonder if it is too low, but the strikes seem to be coming from further away and more directly. I also remember someone giving me this advice a couple of years ago.

After the practice my teacher advises me to move my shinai tip less when we are battling for centre. He says the movements are too big and they allow him to enter my distance. It's true. He nudges forward, nudges forward, I start to panic and BAM he strikes. He says that if I remain in centre he cannot do anything.

He says I should only move the tip 5mm. He says that once I have fought for centre I make a big movement one way or the other to strike men or kote. He points out that if I move one way he strikes kote, the other way and it's men.

On the way home he reminds me of the importance of making big steps in suburi so that when it comes to fumikomi I can time my shinai to the movement of my legs. 

I say that it is difficult to do.

He replies that it is like walking. Moving from our hips we know when it is time to move the next leg forward because we overbalance. It strikes me that we know when to move our arms too in synchrony. 

Finally he mentions that he finds counting during suburi boring. I agree and thank him for relieving me of that pressure last Thursday when we did 400 suburi in practice. He says that next time we'll do 1000 and he'll ask me to count.  Sometimes I think he is just plain evil.

 

 

Day 40: Wednesday, Jun 9-04

 

A somehow unsatisfactory set. My mind wanders, conjuring images of past and present. I lose concentration despite all efforts.

My arms do not shake when I fill in a circle, which tells me everything.

Recently I have been thinking about adding 'depth' to my kendo. 

What does this mean, depth? 

 

 

Thursday, Jun 10-04

 

Suburi makes way for kendo training. Numbers have dipped slightly to 35. 

I tried to apply what my teacher said about moving the kensen no more than 5mm. It is a lot to remember all at once and inhibited natural movements. However, I will persevere.

I move up another rank in the kendo ladder. My teacher is behind me and wants to challenge me. I explain that I have already challenged someone else. Afterwards I regret turning down a challenge from him. I would have learned more. 

I don't remember any particular insight or comment.

I am currently reading a biography of Yamaoka Tesshu and a primer by the monk Takuan. They both refer to the concept of no-mind as something like the mind in motion, not stopping on a particular object. Takuan says that when this happens (the mind stops) thoughts, values and judgements arise. 

I do ji-geiko, my mind stops and the enemy is there.

Later.

Something else I forgot to note.

Yesterday a woman stepped onto my train carrying a heavy-looking suitcase. She wanted to go to the upstairs carriage, but she couldn't do it without making a big effort. I was the only person who could have helped her, but I didn't offer because, having lugged suitcases for all my female relatives, I invented the maxim 'Don't pack what you can't carry.'

As I watched her consider her options I thought 'Everyone is a bit like this woman. We're afraid to move without carrying around all the memories, beliefs and useless data we've accumulated over our lives. Wouldn't it be so liberating to get rid of it all and live solely in the present? And wouldn't it make it easier for other people who wouldn't have to deal with our accumulated rubbish everyday?'

I wanted to share this insight with her - perhaps in the direct Zen way of throwing her stupid luggage out the window - but, alas, someone far kinder than myself came through from another carriage and carried her suitcase for her. 

 

 

Day 41: Friday, Jun 11-04

 

I pick up the bokken and my left hand fits around it naturally.

I begin and prehaps have a small breakthrough. I realise that I need to balance more than my body. During suburi the bokken is an extension of my arms and that when I consider the right place to balance I need to think that my arms are, what, almost a metre longer than they normally are. I think this is key.

Later I remember something that my teacher said the other day. He showed how simply squeezing and turning your hands slightly inwards along the handle you can make a good sashi kote, or kote-men, or men. His hands were empty, but even this small movement was powerful enough to make me shiver.

Pum! Pa-pum! Puum!

He mentioned it is possible to do the same in tsuba-zeriai. I am writing it down here so I don't forget it.

"We tell you once, and you're expected to remember" - my first kendo teaching on my first day of training.

 

 

Day 42: Saturday, Jun 12-04

 

At the training on Thursday I tried to do seiza and, consequently, my knees are totally ruined. I spend the morning walking up and down stairs, giving them ample opportunity to swell further. After lunch I consider not doing the suburi. But I do and I am pleased I make the effort.

However, I am allowing myself to slack off during the suburi. I realise this when I get to the last 10 and I finish them really sloppily. 'Do another 10' I tell myself. The same result. It took me 30 suburi more to feel just satisfied with the last 10 suburi. Imagine doing that during a fight - 'Oh, sorry, I was thinking about lunch. D'ya mind if I have another go?'

I started the suburi precisely to avoid this sort of complacency.

I must train harder and harder.

 

 

Day 43: Sunday, Jun 13-04

 

I do 1000 suburi before breakfast.

Mindful of yesterday, I resolve to remain committed all the way through. To make big, firm steps I attempt to cut from my hips by pressing forwards using the knot of muscle at the top of my left femur which connects my leg to my hip. Stepping backwards I use the same muscle on my right leg.

It has a tough, springy feeling and I feel quite encouraged.

I remember advice someone gave me years ago about making big cuts. He reasoned that  we should make our practice cuts as big a possible because when we come to training we all have a tendency to become smaller, perhaps because we're tired or we want to protect ourselves. 3 times during the suburi the bokken scrapes the ceiling. If this continues I will be in a real dilemma.

After the suburi I want to show my wife how muscular I am becoming

'Hey, check out my forearms!' I tell her.
'What, you've got four arms?' She replies.

'POP!' goes my ego.

 

 

Day 44: Monday, Jun 14-04

 

I do my suburi at 10.30. I feel like I am chipping away slowly. 

No particular insights.

However, I am quite disappointed with myself. Kendo training on Monday starts at 20.00. I have a meeting between 19.00 and 20.40. I had warned my teacher that I would be late, but this morning I decide not to go to training as I wish to spend time with my wife. 

After the meeting I walk down to the dojo with my wife. The dojo is on the way home with a small detour. We look in the window but decide not to go in. What's the point without kit? Mitori-geiko? But I am perfectly fit and should be training. We walk on. 

Although the suburi are good, what is the point if the correct attitude is lacking?   

 

 

Day 45: Tuesday, Jun 15-04

 

I keeping chipping away. 

 

 

Day 46: Wednesday, Jun 16-04

 

Another 1000. More of more of the same. I think it is a case of just going through them at the moment. I have no particular insights.

Having said that, the suburi are taxing. It's not the physical exertion so much as the mental exertion. Cut after cut I try and make them as good as possible. Everyone my 'best' suburi. It's so tough this pressure to keep doing good cuts even though I want to slack off and think 'Hey, why am I killing myself?'

I often catch myself bimbling along, thinking of other things, the cuts slow to almost a snail's pace.

I receive a note asking why I do not practice the suburi on training days. Good question! I think the challenge probably means 1000 consecutive days of suburi.

Tomorrow I resolve to get up early and do a set before work. I will see how I get on.

 

 

Day 47: Thursday, Jun 17-04

 

06.00 and I am feeling absurd doing my suburi. I shuffle through the first 100 as my body adjusts to the unexpected exertion. 

I think it is good to surprise my body and stop it becoming complacent. However, I weigh this against the sacrifice of getting out of bed beside my wife. I make no promises about continuing this mainly because I am unsure if I will. 

Once I recover from the shock of starting so early I complete a workmanlike set. 

Although far from perfect, I am more or less satisfied by my technique. I think that the hours of experience that lie ahead will refine it. More important I think now is to concentrate all the way through, never letting my mind wander, giving everything to the cut. 

I have just finished the Sword of No Sword by John Stevens. Tesshu writes an interesting and insightful paragraph on zanshin. I do not have the book here, but I find something similar in an essay about a Japanese 8th dan. He talks about 'investing oneself totally into a decisive moment, abandoning all personal thoughts.'

I think I should take this as my model.

Later.

I go to training. Three teenage boys are waiting  outside the dojo, laughing and joking. They join the training and continue to laugh and joke through the warm up. I want to sharply tell them to shut up, but I am interested to see how the teacher handles it.

We start suburi and they continue to be disruptive. The teacher walks over and talks to them, then we continue suburi. As one day I may well have my own dojo I am curious to know what he said.

He tells me that he said, 'What we're about to do is very dangerous and very physical. If you don't think you can handle it then you should consider leaving.' Trapped by their egos they stayed. He told me that he deliberately didn't give any instructions on how to do a suburi as 'after doing 200 suburi with a bad technique most people are fairly quiet.'

We train kihon, then ji-geiko. I do san pon shobu against my teacher. I try and put into practice a saying I heard in Japan which stresses the importance of always being the first person to get a point. 

In this match I get the first point - men. I try and pretend that it's the first point again, but he he gets a point quickly after - men. 

The third point never arrives, although sportingly the teacher indicates that I strike de-gote. I strike a few times, but never with full conviction. Afterwards he admonishes me for making a cut, looking surprised, and then using ki-ai. 

We also discuss the way to use the hips to keep the back straight. He says that some people use their shoulders to make cuts and, as a result, balance too far forwards.

He mentions that it is more difficult for him to strike now that I move my kensen less.

I am have much to train between now and Monday.

 

 

Day 48: Friday, Jun 18-04

 

I come home and my wife is sleeping. My brother who is staying is asleep in the sitting room. I creep into the spare room and begin.

It's another session. Another opportunity to polish my technique. I just think about my left hand and my left heel, trying to make a connection between the two. 1000 suburi pass quickly.

During the session the others wake up, realise I am home, and poke their noses into the room.

I mark off another day. Tomorrow I will do my 50 000th suburi.

 

 

Day 49: Saturday, Jun 19-04

 

I wake up to a hangover and a pile of dirty laundry. I sort both out and begin my suburi while waiting for a load to come out the machine.

It's a good session. I don't force anything. I allow my breathing to arise naturally. Towards the end my suburi pick up speed. I am tearing through them, my mind blank.

At the end I hold kamae projecting my will in all directions.

When I woke up I thought someone had said to me during the night 'Everything that's moving is Zen.' I can't shake this expression during the day.

50 000 suburi done. 950 000 left to do.

 

 

Day 50: Sunday, Jun 20-04

 

I come home from a day out. I start the suburi after tea.

They are clumsy and unbalanced, but they improve to the point where they are roughly straight. That is all that can be said for them.

 

 

Monday, Jun 21-04

 

It's a long day that starts at 6am. I arrive at the dojo at 9pm for the last 45 minutes of kendo. I explained to the teacher some weeks ago that I would be late, although I didn't realise quite how late. But I am eager to see how much I can get out of the remaining training.

Perhaps normally I can be accused of rationing my energy to get through the entire training. (In fact, having written that I realise this is true.) Instead, for this training, I give as much as I can as it is only 45 minutes.

We do kirikaeshi, men-uchi and then ji-geiko. I fence with three people, most interesting my teacher. I try to demonstrate all the things he has been saying recently (kensen movement, hips, ki-ken-tai-ichi...) and the other things I have noticed (relaxed hands, concentration...)

We really battle it out, swapping strikes, the last minute a blur of ai-uchi men, each trying to dominate the other. 

In the next ji-geiko I want to relax - 'Hey, I've just gone it with the teacher!' - but my teacher doesn't slack off, so why should I? 

It was a good session. I went in preparing to simply slog through it, exhausted after a long weekend. But I leave feeling uplifted and energised. Crucially, it makes me realise that by eking out my energy so that it lasts the full session is counter-productive. Much better to commit everything over and over again. 

It reminds me of a quote from an article I read the other day:

'Anyone can practice Aikido on a day when they are rested, well fed, and full of energy. What you choose to do on the days you feel less than optimal defines how you will respond to the challenges in your life.' I am quoting this from here.

Finally, a quote I read yesterday in the Guardian, Bill Clinton quoting Nelson Mandela:

"The other person who helped me was Nelson Mandela. He told me he forgave his oppressors because if he didn't they would have destroyed him. He said: 'You know, they already took everything. They took the best years of my life, I didn't get to see my children grow up. They destroyed my marriage. They abused me physically and mentally. They could take everything except my mind and heart. Those things I would have to give away and I decided not to give them away.' 

"And then he said: 'Neither should you.' And he said when he was finally set free he felt all that anger welling up again and he said, 'They've already had me for 27 years ... I had to let it go'. You do this not for other people but for yourself. If you don't let go it continues to eat at you." 

 

 

Day 51: Tuesday, Jun 22-04

 

For a change of pace I decide to do 1000 suburi. 

Normally I face a wall, but unusually today I leave the door open and I can see down the corridor.

I realise that this is a good way to practice 'looking at a distant mountain'. I look at my imaginary aite, and around and behind him too. I resolve to do this more in future.

I try sayu-men a few hundred times. It is difficult to get a nice cut with the blade, particularly when striking the right men. I realise that during kiri-kaeshi I must be using the flat of the sword. 

It is nice to have another problem to tackle.

 

 

Day 52: Wednesday, Jun 23-04

 

I come home late, eat a snack, then start the suburi. I am probably doing 700 shomen suburi and 300 sayu men at the moment.

I still can't get the migi-men right. There is something stopping me getting the correct angle on the cut. It feels spongy when it should feel sharp.

I wonder if the reason - whatever it is - explains why my do is so poor too.

Another 1000 done. Another 947 000 left to do.

 

 

Thursday, Jun 24-04

 

Kendo training. One of those practices when a lot happens.

During suburi, and after training, my teacher shows me why I can't do migi-sayu men properly. At the end of the extension my left elbow is still bent when it should be straight. I try this, and my shoulder goes up. 

At least I know why and have something to train before Monday.

We do lots of kihon: kirikaeshi, kote-tsuki-men, do, then ji-geiko.

I fence with two people about ikkyu level. I try and remain straight, keeping them at bay with force of character, executing renzoku waza. Some success, although afterwards I reflect that my hands are not relaxed enough.

Then I fence with a beginner. It is only his second time in armour. He keeps running away, so I chase him around the dojo. Although he lands some hits, I get my fair share too. We do ippon shobu and I get men as soon as possible.

'You're too heavy!' my teacher shouts. I go over to him and he admonishes me for my kendo towards the beginner. He points out that the beginner's head was down.

I reflect on my approach to kendo with beginners, both then and now. I think I don't have a good mental image of how I must appear to a beginner: 6 foot 1, 95 kgs. I realise that perhaps the man was running away because he was frightened; and instead of encouraging him to attack I simply crushed him. This is a painful thought for me. I sincerely hope I have not taken away his love for kendo.

After the practice I spend a long time talking to him, giving him advice and encouraging him. I notice my teacher does the same. We'll see the outcome on Monday. I hope he overcomes my clumsy attacks. 

After practicing with the beginner I practice with my teacher. He makes some very nice points. I will reflect on the weaknesses he exposed.

At the end of practice I am mending my shinai. Two beginners walk past. One is very wide and heavily muscular. The other one has a sharply razored goatee which gives him a shifty look. 

I had asked them at the beginning of practice if it was their first time. They said it was. 

As they was walk past I say, 'So, was it good?'
The shifty one's eyes light up, 'It was cool!'
'See you next time, then' I reply.
'You bet!' they say in unison

Out the dojo they skip.

 

 

Day 53: Friday, Jun 25-04

 

I notice that I can use my elbows too as I make the strike. In fact, each strike seems to be made up by using everything a little bit, rather than a few things a lot.

I chip out another 1000.

 

 

Day 54: Saturday, Jun 26-04

 

Another 1000 suburi. I am now doing warm up by stretching my Achilles tendon as I have noticed a spur developing. Stupid me for not taking time to warm up properly.

 

 

Day 55: Sunday, Jun 27-04

 

I have completed one row of tiny circles. 56 000 suburi, probably more cuts than I made in the whole of last year.

My wrists feel far more flexible and extend futher than before. I am able to whizz the bokken through the air with a satisfying whistle by using a combination of legs, wrists, hands, hips and elbows.

In Japan someone said to me that a kendoka should be 'Like a general above, like a foot soldier below'. I.e. the legs, hips and stomach work really hard firmly supporting everything else. So although the bottom half is running around madly, the kendoka retains a general's immovability or dignity.  I suppose our nearest equivalent saying is like a swan on water.

Anyway, time to sleep.

 

 

Monday, Jun 28-04

 

Kendo training. I arrive late, but not as late as last Monday. There is still a chance for keiko, so I take it.

We practice degote. I try to strike from my shoulder using my right hand. Big mistake. Strike from the hips going forward with the left. It's far straighter.

I do jigeiko with an ikkyu who I recently defeated on the club ladder. I told him that he should never give up. He gives it an excellent go tonight. I try to encourage him to express zanshin after a strike, but he is not relaxed enough.  

Then I fight with a sempai who I haven't fought with for some time. Neither of us can get a good point. 

I try and put into practice something I read the other day. The author said that being is tsubazeriai is the same as being in normal distance. Battle for centre and try and make a good strike as you would at issoku on maai. It's true. It's exactly the same principle. 

Finally I fence with a nidan. It might sound strange, but when I was in Japan it was almost impossible to strike teachers because they projected this aura. They could stop you, or strike you, just with the strength of their character. I am trying to develop such a mind.

On the whole, however, it is a practice where I do not feel able to really get going. I feel heavy and clumsy. I also note that last week's beginner did not come. 

 

 

Day 56: Tuesday, Jun 29-04

 

I do the first 750 suburi with happiness, then a thought strikes me. It's from a kendo primer where the author says, 'The purpose of kendo is to destroy the enemy and protect oneself.' I do the last 250 with a sense of urgency. I have to actually do - not practice - cuts. 250 enemies in a row and I have one chance with each.

Tomorrow I will do 1000.

 

 

Wednesday, Jun 30-04

 

Kata training in the park. I train with my wife. 

In nanhon me I have to be careful when acting as the shidachi to avoid her heavily pregnant stomach. Our antics raise a laugh from the other kendokas.

My teacher shows me why I can't make a nice kote-suriage-kote in roppon me. My right hand hand has to rest lightly 'alongside' the tsuka, not over the top in a dominant position. I try this and my hand becomes far more flexible.

I try with little success to take only one breath per kata, but it's next to impossible. This is a long term goal. 

I think all my suburi with a bokken have helped as I know better how long the booken is and how to make a controlled strike which stops the kensen close to the shidachi's body.

Having said that I practice with a sempai. As we are doing the 10th kata I catch his strike to do on my knuckles, not on my tsuba. I make an involuntary ki-ai. 'F***!'

At home I deliberate whether the kata constitutes a practice, or whether I should do 1000 suburi. I decide to compromise and do 250 suburi paying special attention to using my right hand as my teacher showed me. it feels a lot lighter. I maybe could do more, but I can only devote so much of my time to kendo. 

Like the man who builds a house on rock, and not sand, kendo is one of the foundation stones of my life. it strengthens my character, but I do not derive my identity from it.