Well, since my TV show idea has run into more problems, i'm thinking about starting a new band. It'll be called The BBB, & it's going to be a seven-piece. There will be four bongo players, a tambourine player & two dancers (kinda like the guy in Madness or The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, except two of them). So, if you're a bongo player, or know of any, contact me.
-cpb 5/28 {link}

Me: Hi Mr. Mosquito, where ya goin'?
Mosquito: Oh, just picking up some dinner for the fam. I'm stoppin' in to have some Cory tonight.
-cpb, unwilling bite victim, 5/27 {link}

Bark!
-Day-Z 5/26 {link}

Ya know what i love? Pop-up windows. Weeeeeeeeee! They're the reason i stopped going to TheSpark. Well, that & the fact that they write something new there about every 2 months. However, i did just see a pop-up that i thought was pretty funny. In fact, it popped up as i was opening up GeoCities to update this mother. Good thing, too, cos i didn't have shit else to write about.
Anyway, it was one of those "Is There Porn On Your Computer" pop-ups.
Well of course there's PORN on my computer. I put it there, you dunce.
And when you click on it, you get this guy {read: used to be a picture of a really fey-looking guy}, who just happens to look like a Catholic priest that just removed his hands from some poor 10 year-old's pants.
"I was sure there was no pornography on my PC, except for my pictures of little boys, of course."
-cpb 5/23 {link}

Here's a quick tip for ya - never watch Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas while under the influence of any sort of drug. Even if it's just Tylenol. Last night i watched (part of) it completely sober, & just thinking about watching it messed up (which i had done the night prior) made me messed up... again. Does any of this make sense? Good, it shouldn't.
-cpb 5/21 {link}

Have you ever thought about what the coolest thing that could possibly happen to you is? Well this guy has.
Baaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha.
I'm sorry, i know it's not polite to trample on other people's dreams, but i just can't help it. I'm a bad person. I hate myself. I blame Eric for bringing this link to my attention.

Then again, not everything on the internet is so funny. Or is it? I also came across an interesting site called The Dialogue Project. Give it a read if you get the chance, it's highly interesting... especially my post (since removed), recalling a conversation Polio, Fresh & i had about Day-Z.

And while we're on the subject of funny, here is a list (in alphabetical order, so as not to arouse contempt) of the 10 funniest people i know:
Matt Bierlein
Sue Bogner
Terry Bogner
Peter Bringman
Brad Early
Jeff Knitt
Douglas Krause
Keith Krygielski
Shane McGee
Jeremy Polio
-cpb 5/14 {link}

Yet another grey day in Michigan. Fuck the weather. I feel like i live in Boston... or London. It's the middle of May & i haven't seen the sun in four freeging days. Screw Michigan & screw you for living in Michigan & if you don't live in Michigan, screw you anyway.
-cpb, aspiring meteorologist, 5/13 {link}

Something kinda strange happened to me at work today. I was standing at my register & all of a sudden i see a woman with a foot for a face. Well, this struck me as kind of odd, & the next thing i know, she's walking towards me. I was in a bit of a strange mood as it was, plus i was really tired, so i accidentally said out loud, "Hey, what's up Foot-Face." And i know that she heard me, i'm positive of it, but she didn't do or say anything about it. So i just figured that she really did have a foot for a face & that she was okay with it, so she took no offense to my comment.

And along those lines, i've added a new edition of Ponders.
-cpb 5/12 {link}

Well, NBC has turned down my TV show idea - Ass Is Raw (!). Don't fret, though - there's still hope. The English production company Pearls For Swine might pick up my idea & run it on the BBC under the title Albatross!!!. But then again, you know how that goes. Or maybe you don't. Oh well, stay tuned.
-cpb 5/7 {link}

Hi! I'm Mister Dickey von Dickey-Dick Rod Dickwad, & i'm gonna drive 20 miles-a-goddamn-hour in the fast lane.
Thanks ass!
-cpb, angry driver 5/1 {link}

Whoever said that Women's Golf isn't a porno waiting to happen? Take a look at this picture picked off the AP wire of Cristie Kerr kissing her Longs Drugs Challenge trophy.
Thanks to Polio for bringing this phenomenon to my attention.
-cpb 4/27 {link}

Yesterday was 4-20. Now i'm not going to make any reefer jokes, but it was both Adolf Hitler's & the greatest baseball player of all-time, Donald Arthur Mattingly's birthdays. And it was also my dog's first birthday. So happy belated birthday Day-Z.
-cpb 4/21 {link}

Since i haven't had a funny thought in about six days, & Doug told me to post something funny on my site NOW, i've decided to throw out something from the funniest man ever, George Carlin.
From his book Napalm & Silly Putty:

Did you ever eat a whole box of cookies right in a row? Did you ever do that? I don't mean take them into your bedroom or something. I mean open them right up in the kitchen as soon as you get home from the store and eat 'em while you're standing there? Just stare at the toaster while you're eatin' a whole goddamn box of cookies? Did you ever do that? Isn't it great?
And did you ever notice that printed right on the cookie box it says, "Open here"? Well, what did they think I was gonna do? Move to Hong Kong to open up their fuckin' cookies? Or course I'm gonna open 'em here. I'm gonna eat 'em here, I'd almost have to open 'em here. Thank God it doesn't say, "Open somewhere else." I'd be up all night tryin' to figure out an appropriate location.
-cpb 4/18 {link}

I'll tell you what, there are a lot of stains in this world to be got, but the absolute worst stain to get on something is Abe Bagoda. That stain is a sonnavabitch. It just will not come off.

Oh, and also, Project Fresh has a new face & a new sound. So check it out... or DIE!
-cpb 4/11 {link}

Right now i'm in the process of pitching a show to the execs at NBC. The show is called Ass Is Raw (!). The main problem i'm having right now is that i can't decide whether the show is a sitcom, or a game show. Either way, there is going to be a character on the show who's catch phrase is, anytime he turns a light off to go to bed, he yells, "For really, doh," so that everyone in the house/studio knows he's serious this time about going to bed. This is probably going to be the same person who has a burger on his Bennett.
-cpb 4/3 {link}

I've finally added a new edition to my Inebriation Notes {*}. Not all too exciting, but what the hell. Screw you.
-cpb 4/2 {link}

Lets all do The Home Depot Cheer! Trust me, you have to read this.
-cpb 4/1 {link}

I have some stuff, but i just haven't had much time lately.
That said, Dudley, Uncle Milty, & Billy are all dead. And the Queen Mother. Too bad, but thank christ. It makes me feel good sometimes when people that old die - just cos i like to know that people don't live forever. Strom, are you listening?
Anyway, it's the last day of HTBSM. It was a pretty weak one this year. Even i didn't get into that much this year. I think i'm depressed or something. I did get a few more pictures, though. Not a bad turnout this year. Go here to see 'em.

Oh, and also, Rocket Duck is my fucking hero.
-cpb 3/31 {link}

If i were stranded on a deserted island, and could bring along one book, one movie & one album, i'd probably die of exposure.
-cpb 3/23 {link}

Finally i've gotten some butt picture submissions for HTBSM. Only 8, but better than the single one i got last year. I've posted them here.
Enjoy!
-cpb 3/22 {link}

Well, unfortunately, Ass-Mash Monday came & went without me either pounding an ass, or getting pounded. Damn this cruel world.
Anyway, today is the 19th of March, 2002 - my 24th birthday. And guess who gave me my first present of the day, when i got home from class this morning. If it wasn't my wonderfully behaved dog, who left me a nice big pile of smelly shit, right in the living room. Thanks Day-Z!

I also have finally added a new edition of Ponders. Ahahahahahahahaha!
-cpb 3/19 {link}


-cpb 3/17 {link}

Happy Birthday!
Today is my parents' birthday. Yes, they have the same birthday, 4 years apart. Six days before mine. And guess what i'm getting them - a big fat NOTHING! Those bastards. They're off in Hawaii for two weeks while i'm here in Michigan, freezing my ass off one day & wearing shorts the next. Screw the goddamn wind!
-cpb 3/13 {link}

It is now March 1st, Roger Daltrey's birthday, the beginning of the month of my birth & most importantly, the first day of Hot-Torrid Butt-Sex Month. Let the festivities begin!
However, i still have yet to receive a butt picture. You dissapoint, you dissapoint.
-cpb 3/1 {link}

In honor of the impending doom that is Hot-Torrid Butt-Sex Month, i'm requesting people send in their butt pictures. They can be funny, hot, retarded, your butt, his butt, her butt, the dog's butt - as long as it's a picture of a butt. The only exception is that i don't want any porno pictures. As much as i hate to admit it, this isn't a porn site, so try to keep them relatively clean. Send your butt pictures to this address: [email protected].
I tried this last year, & unfortunately only got this one picture from a 38 year-old tax consultant from New Mexico {this picture, lost... sigh}, who, as he states, is a "regular" visitor to The Experience. Weeeeeeeee for me!

And i also finally got an answer to my question about the rap lyrics. I couldn't figure out what song this line was from:
"...she was burnt while on my Bennett."
One Vivian Mousetrap Smith-Smythe-Smith of Neap's End, London sent me an e-mail informing me that the line is from Dr. Dre's song Nuthin' But A 'G' Thang from his 1992 album The Chronic.
And upon further review, the lyric is actually this:
"Now you know I ain't with that shit, Lieutenant
Ain't no pussy good enough to get burnt while I'm up in it."
Or so they say. I still think that she's getting burnt while on his Bennett. And that's that. So anyway, Vivian, you'll be receiving your 20 bucks soon.
-cpb 2/19 {link}

It's coming back!


Pardon the pun, but Hot-Torrid Butt-Sex Month is only 10 days away.
-cpb 2/18 {link}

Let me just tell you, boy - i have got it. I don't know how or when i got it. Hell, i don't even know what it is - but i got it. Other people want it... but they can't have it, cos then i wouldn't have it. And that wouldn't be right.
Let's just say that it's been a shitty week, the highlight being the transmission in my '96 T-Rus, after 170,000 miles, finally arriving at the state of total & utter destruction. The only good thing i can take from this whole ordeal is that, luckily, i have yet to hear the word tranny.

And on top of all that, today is St. Valentine's day. Now, i'm not up on my Saints, but i bet that whatever Mr. Valentino did to become a Saint had nothing to do with commercialization or little candy hearts that say things like "Lick my fingers" or "I love Pork".
But i guess i should give a shout-out to all the girls i've loved before - you know who you are. Except for Lisa Hickle, who was my first ever crush, in the 5th grade. Sorry to all of you, cos there's only one now.
I love you Erin.

{This last sentence is actually funny for two reasons, because 1) it will make my roommate's nuts fall off & 2) Erin will never read it, cos she hates this site & the fact that i even spend any time on it.}
-cpb 2/14 {link}

Yeah, i wipe my ass on company time. But they owe that to me, for being such a good worker. Besides, i've got a booger on my Bennett.
-cpb 2/13 {link}

I will give 20 bucks to the first person who can tell me what rap song this line is from:
"...she was burnt while on my Bennett."
It's driving me goddamn crazy... & i'm about to snap.
-cpb 2/5 {link}

It's 8:37 & my dog is playing grab-ass with my roomie's cats again.
Anyway, last night i got a call from Shan-o, who, of course, is in Japan. He was telling me about Japanese snackbars. I was thinking about going:

Me: Yeah, i've got some pretty heavy shit going.
Snackbar Chick: Oh, you're so profound.
Me: I know, i'm deep, too.
Snackbar Chick: Oh, yes. Deep.
Me: I'm thinking about starting a band. Or maybe a revolution.
Snackbar Chick: Yes? Oh... yes. Of course.
Me: It's hard being me sometimes.
Snackbar Chick: I can imagine... a man of your depth.
Me: What time is it?
Snackbar Chick: You've got 5 more minutes.
Me: I think i'll just sit here looking regal.
Snackbar Chick: You look so content.
-cpb 1/26 {link}

Best thing i've seen all week (& possibly all month):
Douglas finishes a whole Labatt's while playing a game of Twisted System & winning.

But after that...

I've added my "Ode To The Team Player" here.
-cpb 1/24 {link}

I've added a new addition of Ponders, which, admittedly, isn't that good. But screw you, i'm under a lot of pressure here, dick.
Besides that, i sat on my balls today.
-cpb 1/20 {link}

I think i need to amend this, because i'm drunk as piss right now, and i can honestly say that there isn't one song i would rather be listening to than T.B. Sheets.
And by the way... screw you for judging me!
-cpb 1/17 {link}

Is there anything better than driving around when it first snows, before the plows & salt trucks get out on the roads? If you live down South, then you have no idea what i'm talking about - so go play on the Bone Machine. It's fucking great. You can fly around, fishtail, do donuts... basically drive like a crazy person & get away with it. For the most part, people try to stay off the roads when it's snowing out, so it's not too busy. And you know the cops aren't going to get their fat asses out of the car to give you a ticket. So basically you're on the road to Vada.
-cpb 1/16 {link}

I love the shower. It's my safe place. Whenever i'm sick or really drunk or just feeling shitty, i hop in & all my troubles dissolve down the drain. I just plop down, take a seat & let the water pelt my head. Aaaaaaaaaaa!
I like to put my finger right in the middle of the water that is flowing towards the drain, splitting the flow & creating two rivers.
-cpb 1/14 {link}



Dave Thomas is dead. Now, if i may, without people getting all up in my face & bitching, just say - good. My condolences to his family & friends, but i am so glad that i don't have to see that fat bastard on TV anymore. And why can't i find in any article what he died of? Like people don't know that the fat bastard died of a fat heart attack.
Excuse the veracity of this post. My hemorrhoids are acting up again.
-cpb 1/8 {link}

New year, new name... i guess.
-cpb 1/1 {link}