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Deathbed Lawyer Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for loopholes! Things said in court Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son - the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Q: Did he kill you? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, sir. Q: And you took your new wife? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. A new set of gold clubs ''I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!'' ''Great trade!'' Baseball in Heaven Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday." Brain Transplant A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, ''Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.'' ''Well, how much does a brain cost?'' asked the relatives. ''For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,'' replied the doctor. Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, ''Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?'' ''Standard pricing practice,'' said the doctor. ''Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used.'' School Excuse Notes 1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. 2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33. 4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. 5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. 6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. 10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.] 12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. 13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. 14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. 15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears. 16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. 17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. 18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. 19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. 20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. 22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor. First Grade Proverbs A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with: 1. Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader. 2. Strike while the... bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before... daylight savings time. 4. Never underestimate the power of... termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but... how? 6. Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty. 7. No news is... impossible. 8. A miss is as good as a... Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog... math. 10. If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust... me. 12. The pen is mightier than... the pigs. 13. An idle mind is... the best way to relax. 14. Where there is smoke, there's... pollution. 15. Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is... not much. 17. Two is company, three's... The Musketeers. 18. None are so blind as... Helen Keller. 19. Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded. 20. If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries. 21. You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box. 22. When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way. 23. There is no fool like... Aunt Edie. 24. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose. Lipstick According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators... 15 Ways to be Annoying 1)Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money. 2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call. 3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a ''spider person.'' 4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: ''Don't let him in! He's the killer!'' 5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it. 6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: ''I hope I fixed it this time.'' 7) Beep when a large person backs up. 8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the ''little men.'' 9) Insist on making inanimate objects ''dance'' 10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public. 11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds. 12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car. 13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster. 14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises. 15) Insist that life is ''one big musical,'' then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public. |
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