Leaving Chicago

I have decided that it’s time for me to leave Chicago. I am not sure where I am going, but I know I can’t stay here anymore. I need to raise money for this effort and I am asking all of for your help.

In order to rent a truck and get a storage space for my stuff I need a credit card and the only one I have left is my PayPal card. Below is a link to donate money to my PayPal account and I’m asking to please help me out by donating whatever you can.

I am also planning to have an “apartment sale” to sell off what I can in an effort to raise funds as well. For those of you who read my blogs, (and are local to Chicago) you will have first dibs on all of this stuff which include a lot of books, computer software and equipment, furniture, and more. I will provide more details on the sale soon.

I thank all of you in advance for your help in this. I would also like to take the time now to thank all of you who have helped me keep my hope alive in these trying times.

Too tired to sleep

I’m tired but I cannot sleep.  My mind won’t shut off.  I should feel something more then I do.  I can feel the chill of winter closing in.  Out of everything I could feel, that’s the only thing I don’t want to feel.  

I have no one to blame but myself for this mess.  I guess that’s why it doesn’t really matter to anyone else.  

I fucked up.  I always tell myself that throughout my life I have helped people find themselves; in reality I think that all I have done is fuck things up.  In my wonderful way I have taken people’s wonderful lives and fuck them up.  

I really should give up this self loathing that I have, but it’s hard not to look at all I’ve done in my life and not hate me.  I haven’t done anything good since I was 19.  This decent of mine started at college and never really stopped.  

I have become so co-dependant that I can’t live without being in a relationship, good or bad.  It is because of that, I stay in the worst relationships and leave all the best ones.  It started with Stacia.  I should have realized then that I didn’t need to be in a relationship to be whole.  Then I continued to spiral downward with Shannon.  By then all sense of who I was disappeared.  I don’t even know who I am anymore.  

I want my fire back.  I want to feel the way I did back in 93, back when everything still had meaning for me, when I felt that there was nothing in the world that could stop me.  I have become a shell of who I used to be and I can’t find a way back.  I have wasted too much time.  I’m getting too old for all this shit.  

love that is lost

I just gave Jupiter back to Diane.  There are no words to express the feeling of sadness I have over this.  I loved that cat.  He was the one thing keeping me alive.  He was the one thing that I got up in the morning for and now I don’t have that.  Now I don’t have a reason to get up.  There will be no more morning meows or pokes to stir me from slumber.  But what does it matter?  Who cares about what I feel?  I have less then 48 hours until I am evicted, or at least until they decide to evict me.   I’m supposed to rely on my network of friends but I can’t do it.  I am empty.  I have watched the past 6 years of my life slip by, hell I’ve watched the last 20 years of my life slip by.  I don’t have the strength to do this anymore.  DO YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!  I don’t have it in me to do this anymore.  I have had it.  My hopeful thoughts have gone the way of staying here, going west to LA, and even back east to somewhere, but I can’t do it. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.  I want to be in the void of nothingness that waits. I want to stop the pain that I cause all those around me.  I want to disappear.  

This explains a lot!

Your Free Sample Numerology Portrait: "

Your Soul Number is ONE.

You are a strong, self-reliant individual who is willing to stand apart from the crowd and act according to your own beliefs and convictions. You have a deep inner sense of authority and of your own power, and you prefer to either work alone or to be in charge, directing and leading others. You have a dominant nature and greatly influence others, even without trying to. Self-sufficient and independent, you are not easily swayed from the path you set for yourself. However, you tend to be proud and unwilling to ask for help when you need it. You also become so involved with carrying out your own will and desires that you neglect to consider others' needs.

You inability to cooperate and compromise, and your tendency to be subtly domineering may cause trouble in close relationships. Also, you have trouble accepting any authority and can be rebellious when challenged. Your gifts are originality of thought, the courage to be different and take risks, and a deep core of inner strength. "

a baby me 

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8-250719-RCbud2.JPG (JPEG Image, 648x643 pixels)