love that is lost

I just gave Jupiter back to Diane.  There are no words to express the feeling of sadness I have over this.  I loved that cat.  He was the one thing keeping me alive.  He was the one thing that I got up in the morning for and now I don’t have that.  Now I don’t have a reason to get up.  There will be no more morning meows or pokes to stir me from slumber.  But what does it matter?  Who cares about what I feel?  I have less then 48 hours until I am evicted, or at least until they decide to evict me.   I’m supposed to rely on my network of friends but I can’t do it.  I am empty.  I have watched the past 6 years of my life slip by, hell I’ve watched the last 20 years of my life slip by.  I don’t have the strength to do this anymore.  DO YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!  I don’t have it in me to do this anymore.  I have had it.  My hopeful thoughts have gone the way of staying here, going west to LA, and even back east to somewhere, but I can’t do it. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.  I want to be in the void of nothingness that waits. I want to stop the pain that I cause all those around me.  I want to disappear.