Too tired to sleep

I’m tired but I cannot sleep.  My mind won’t shut off.  I should feel something more then I do.  I can feel the chill of winter closing in.  Out of everything I could feel, that’s the only thing I don’t want to feel.  

I have no one to blame but myself for this mess.  I guess that’s why it doesn’t really matter to anyone else.  

I fucked up.  I always tell myself that throughout my life I have helped people find themselves; in reality I think that all I have done is fuck things up.  In my wonderful way I have taken people’s wonderful lives and fuck them up.  

I really should give up this self loathing that I have, but it’s hard not to look at all I’ve done in my life and not hate me.  I haven’t done anything good since I was 19.  This decent of mine started at college and never really stopped.  

I have become so co-dependant that I can’t live without being in a relationship, good or bad.  It is because of that, I stay in the worst relationships and leave all the best ones.  It started with Stacia.  I should have realized then that I didn’t need to be in a relationship to be whole.  Then I continued to spiral downward with Shannon.  By then all sense of who I was disappeared.  I don’t even know who I am anymore.  

I want my fire back.  I want to feel the way I did back in 93, back when everything still had meaning for me, when I felt that there was nothing in the world that could stop me.  I have become a shell of who I used to be and I can’t find a way back.  I have wasted too much time.  I’m getting too old for all this shit.