Welcome to November
Welcome to what is generally the worst month of my life. I have a long standing issue with November generally because its when the worst tragedies have befallen me. Its when Mitch died, by a drunk driver. And its when my cousin Ann died, by a drunk driver. It is also the month in which my real father was born, which is not a bad thing, its just that now that he is gone, there really isnt anything to celebrate. So I commemorate these events by staying hammered for the entire month of November.
Whats wrong with this?
Everything.
I know one should never drag around the past with them all the time, but these events are life defining moments. These moments however have also made me stop growing in some respects. After Mitch died in 90 I was reminded of what mortality really is. When you see someone you know, that is so close in age to you, taken away, you get a whole new perspective on what life means. I was close to death then. I wanted a way out of this life. Then, Mitch died and I understood what death really meant. It was selfish of me to think that no one would notice if I just disappeared. In recent months I have forgotten that lesson.
When I went to Drew in 93 I had all but forgotten about Mitch. I had let the ghost run my life for a while and I had finally let it go. Then, my cousin Ann died and everything came flooding back. I went ahead and hid inside a bottle, I got into a relationship that was more damning then helping, and I pushed away all of my artistic talents and locked them up planning on never using them again.
Its been 15 years since Mitch died. 12 since Ann died. I think that time has taken its toll on me.
Slowly over the years, things have been changing. I have run away from a lot of things in my life. I have let fear run my life. I have screwed up a lot of relationships in the past 15 years, and I have screwed myself a lot in the past as well. Recently, I let this fear drive me deep into the bottle, knowing full well that it meant a loss of control. I grew stagnate. I was content on just letting life slip away from me. I think it all starts with this fear of November.
I have lived with this fear of November for too long. I have to remember what is important about their lives, and forget about the tragedy surrounding them. I need to leave my mistakes at the door. I need to embrace my past while continuing to move forward.
This is a whole new beginning. A new place and a new job have my spirits high and, soon enough, I will be back to a normal pace in my life. Soon, the 9-5 rush will seem normal again, and the apartment will seem more like home.
There is still so much to be done, but there is all the time in the world to accomplish it. I have time. I have time to take life at whatever pace I want. I have the power now to ignore those who seek to drag me down into their drama. I plan on making this November drama-free. I will no longer let the stress of life build up and explode in my face. Guitar playing is a great stress reliever. I live by the lake again for the first time since when I got my first apartment in
I am talking the time now to make sure that there are no more decisions made that are impulsive. I have followed my heart for as long as I can remember, and it has always led me in the right direction. Sometimes, it has led to some bad choices because I refuse to plan or step back and look at the big picture. No more will I rush these things. I will follow my heart like I always have, but I will look before I jump now.
