I get iVillage /astrology.com emailed to me every day, I like to read it. But today was a strange coincidence. It mentioned that a new piece of computer equipment would figure into my life today, now since I'm broke ass poor I figured it was just off, but after I got home today I was playing around with my ipaq that I thought needed a new battery, and all of a sudden, it just powered up and acted normal, battery charges and everything, it's like having a "new" piece of computer equipment. weird eh?

Ever watch 15 years of your life go up in flames?

That's what I did last night. I had this box of old love letters and such and I just decided it was time to let them go. I took them and put them inside a grill I have on my back deck and set them a flame. The funny thing is, that I was reading a few of them before they met their fiery fate and I came to another revelation. I thought that has you get older your feelings were supposed to become deeper and more intense, but for me it's been the opposite. My love used to run so deep back then, and now it seems that all is left is this dry riverbed. It's becoming more and more unclear what I am supposed to do next. The days are rushing by now and I just seem content on letting whatever happens happen. I haven't eaten in 2 days and already I'm starting to feel "different", I'm wondering what a few more days will feel like. I can't seem to focus on anything except the job at hand, which is getting all of my stuff together to go somewhere. The problem is it probably won't go anywhere. I was thinking of doing a craigslist thing and having an "apartment sale" and just sell off all the stuff I can to raise cash, this way I can at least get somewhere. I was thinking about what I could take and what I must leave behind. I still haven't decided that. I know that there are a few things that I cannot part with, yet there seems to be no way to accommodate all of it. I guess we all must learn to sacrifice.

The way of the world

It's Official. I talked with my landlord yesterday and he informed me that at the end of the month he is going to begin eviction proceedings. So... I guess that's the end for me here in Chicago. Just one problem. I have no where else to go. I guess now, I must gear up to put all my stuff in storage and get it there. I also have decided, even after all of the drama that has preceded it, that I will give Jupiter back to Diane. She can at least take care of him.

There is this part of me that just wants to say FUCK IT. What's the point. I have tried so hard to keep my head above the darkness that I descended into once, but it seems inevitable that I end up back there. And I don't care. I have burned myself out. I have already started this retreat from everything else in the world, why not make it complete.

I have lived my entire life with luck pushing me along. It seems now that there is no more "luck" in my life. All I want to do is just lie in bed and wait for the world to crash around me.

I found my fathers death certificate yesterday while I was sorting through some papers. Nov. 21 1947 - Feb 4 2003. On the anniversary of his death this year I ended up freaking out and... well some of you already know that story. I still am not over it. And I never will be. When my father was my age I was already 5. I have no children now, nor do I think I will at all.

Where is all of this rambling going? Nowhere really. I have no way to focus my thoughts and tell you all EXACTLY what's rolling around inside my cranium. I DO know this. The end is a lot closer then you think. At least for me I know that this life I have led has led to a lot of great friendships and just as much heartache, but that is what life is all about. I am so tired now and every bone in my body is screaming at me just to give up. I can't sleep, eat, or do anything. Everything has become less meaningful to me. I am just tired, and I want to sleep.