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A STAR IS BORN
(The scene opens on the backlot of a Hollywood studio. We see RWW reporter Pamela Paulshock enter the shot as she walks towards a set. The set looks like that of a typical sitcom: a couch, a few chairs, and a coffee table are front and centre, facing a television set. A bookcase is seen in the corner and in the background a staircase to the upper
portion of "the house" is seen. Off to the right there is a doorway. We see Scott "The Boy" Hellings standing in the middle of the set talking to a crew member. He is wearing his red "Canadian Legend" shirt and a pair of jeans. Pamela Paulshock approaches him.)
PAULSHOCK-
"Scott! What is going on here?"
HELLINGS-
"What is going on? Can't you tell? I'm gonna be the star of my own sitcom!"
PAULSHOCK-
"YOU are getting a sitcom?"
HELLINGS-
"Sure! Don't act so surprised Paula! I'm a huge star in the mainstream media! And with good reason to-everyone loves me! Do you have any idea how many fans I have, how many Boy Scouts are out there?"
PAULSHOCK-
"No, and I would rather keep it that way."
HELLINGS-
"You know, if you're nice to me, I'll see if I can get a part in the show."
PAULSHOCK-
"No thanks."
HELLINGS-
"Your loss. This is gonna be huge! This is only the pilot we're shooting right now, but trust me, this is gonna take off."
PAULSHOCK-
"I had no idea you wanted to film a sitcom."
HELLINGS-
"I've been trying to get into Hollywood for some time now. Only thing is, no one has had the right project for me until now."
PAULSHOCK-
"They turned you down, didn't they?"
HELLINGS-
"Uh...maybe."
PAULSHOCK-
"So why now?"
HELLINGS-
"If I'm going to be the Television Champion-and I will be too-I need to get ready. I need to know that I can represent the world of television with the proper respect it deserves."
PAULSHOCK-
"You just want to be on TV more because you're an ego-maniac."
HELLINGS-
"Well yeah! Plus, you get a lot of chicks when you have your own TV show!"
PAULSHOCK-
"You wish!"
HELLINGS-
"You're just jealous! Trust me, this is gonna be the best television show in years! As soon as we film this, everyone is gonna want a piece of The Boy! It will be brilliant, trust me! It is already a lock for it to win an Oscar next year!"
PAULSHOCK-
"Actually you win an Emmy for a television show."
HELLINGS-
"It doesn't matter, they'll give me one anyway. It will be that good!"
PAULSHOCK-
"I take it you watched The Oscars then?"
HELLINGS-
"Of course not! I mean, they are so many other important things appearing on television this week! Namely, my return to the ring on pay per view at Blaze of Glory! But I could run down my own RWW Oscars if you want. I could be like that Roger Ebert guy and pick the winners for you."
PAULSHOCK-
"I would rather you didn't."
HELLINGS-
"I knew you would like it. For starters, after watching K Dogg's last promo, I got to give him Best Foreign Short. Do you understand anything that guy says?"
PAULSHOCK-
"Well..."
HELLINGS-(Cutting her off)
"And moving on...I give Legend Inc. The Lifetime Achievement Award. That is the award The Academy always gives out to those guys who are old and useless and so far past their prime, they don't have a hope in hell of ever winning another award again! Although he should also really win Most Embarrassing Comeback too. How dare he try and steal my thunder? The wrestling
world should be focusing on my return to the ring, and instead, they focus on HIM? Please!"
PAULSHOCK-
"Are you done yet?"
HELLINGS-
"Oh I'm sorry, do you have somewhere else you need to be Priscilla? I'm doing this as a favour to you, you know! I have important things I have to do! I don't need you to come in here, steal my valuable time, just to insult me!"
PAULSHOCK-
"I'm sorry. Can you tell me what the premise of the show is?"
HELLINGS-
"It's brilliant. Shakespeare himself couldn't have wrote something better than this. Get this-it's all about me and how great I am! Isn't that amazing? I'm telling you, it is destined to be a hit!"
PAULSHOCK-(Sarcastic)
"Yeah, amazing."
HELLINGS-
"The premise of this episode is that I can't get along with my neighbours because they have the audacity to think they are better than me."
PAULSHOCK-
"Who are your co stars?"
HELLINGS-
"For this episode, I got the perfect people to play my neighbours. I decided that the best fiction is always non-fiction..."
PAULSHOCK-
"Huh?"
HELLINGS-
"Don't interrupt! So....I decided to take an experience from my own life right now and incorporate it into the show. Therefore, my neighbours are Simon Phoenix and Stupac! And I got the perfect people to play them too! (Shouts off-stage) Guys! Get in here!"
(The door on the set opens and none other than the legendary Adam West, star of the campy 1960's 'Batman' television series enters the room. He is wearing a Stupac costume.)
PAULSHOCK-
"Adam West is playing the part of Stupac?"
HELLINGS-
"Of course! I got an aging superhero to play an over-the-hill, self-proclaimed superhero. It's perfect!"
(Adam West grabs Pamela's hand and kisses it.)
ADAM WEST-
"Pleasure to meet your acquaintance."
PAULSHOCK-
"Don't touch me ever again. I have pepper spray."
ADAM WEST-
"Is it Bat-Pepper Spray?"
PAULSHOCK-
"Shut up."
(Then, the camera pans over to show the door opening again. This time, Brendan Fraser enters the shot wearing a jersey of the NHL's Phoenix Coyotes)
PAULSHOCK-
"Brendan Fraser?"
HELLINGS-
"Phoenix is a blithering idiot. So, I figured this guy is perfect for the role."
BRENDAN FRASER-(Offended)
"Hey!"
HELLINGS-
"Shut up Fraser. If you're not careful, I'll fire you. I can easily get Pauly Shore to fill your role! So shut up because I know you need the work!"
BRENDAN FRASER-
"Uh...sorry! I'll be good."
HELLINGS-
"Better."
BRENDAN FRASER-
"You know, I played a Canadian in Dudley Doo-Right. "
HELLINGS-
"Honestly, if you don't shut up right now, I'll hurt you."
BRENDAN FRASER-
"Sorry. I...I'll be good. I know how to handle someone like you. After all, you're not the first wrestler I have ever worked with."
HELLINGS-
"Do you ever shut up? I don't care who you worked with! I'm The Boy! I'm from RWW! I could care less what crappy movies you made with what crappy actors! Who do you think you are, mentioning other wrestlers...Simon Phoenix?"
BRENDAN FRASER-
"Yeah, I wanted to ask about that. (Pulls out a script and point to a relevant section.) How come the only thing I ever do is talk about other wrestlers in other federations?"
HELLINGS-
"I'm not sure exactly why he does that. My guess is that he wants to distract people so they won't notice his lack of ability or personality."
BRENDAN FRASER-
"Okay. But what is this Franchise I/he keeps talking about?"
HELLINGS-
"Yeah, like I know!"
BRENDAN FRASER-
"Is it a franchise like The Phoenix Coyotes? Or is it something more like McDonald's?"
HELLINGS-
"I don't know. Figure something out for that move, okay? Try throwing a Happy Meal at me or something."
BRENDAN FRASER-
"Is that at all dangerous though?"
HELLINGS-
"It is if I ingest the food. That stuff will go straight to your heart man! And then you wouldn't have a chiseled physique like mine! (Poses for Paulshock, who rolls her eyes). Besides, the box it comes in has pointy corners and it always comes with a toy which has parts you can choke on."
BRENDAN FRASER-
"It comes with a toy? Can I keep it?"
HELLINGS-
"I hate you."
PAULSHOCK-
"If I could interject here...may I ask why you interfered in the TV Title rematch this past Fire?"
HELLINGS-
"Sure. You two guys go rehearse. We'll start filming as soon as I'm done here."
ADAM WEST-
"Quick Brendan! (Points off to the side of the set) To the Bat Trailer!"
(Fraser shrugs his shoulders and follows West, leaving Pamela and The Boy)
HELLINGS-
"Now then...I interfered because Stupac is mine, I'm the one who is gonna destroy him! And Simon Phoenix better realize that. Stu and I have personal issues with one another and we will deal with them on pay per view. Simon had better just hide out in the corner and stay out of my way. If he's lucky, I won't hurt him. Besides, I wasn't interfering.
I was just making sure that everything was as fair as it could be!"
PAULSHOCK-
"How is that possible?"
HELLINGS-
"How is that possible? That should be fairly obvious, even to you!
I know Stupac, I know him better than he knows himself! And I knew he was going to cheat. So I was just making sure it was a fair contest. I was looking out for Simon Phoenix's best interests! I mean, look at me! (Points to his face) Would I lie to you? Is this not the face of innocence?"
PAULSHOCK-
"No."
HELLINGS-
"Well maybe not. (Changing the subject) But you know what? I saw the way you were looking at me there a second ago. I know you want me. Just admit it."
PAULSHOCK-
"Hell no. Moving on....Simon Phoenix had a few words for you earlier and..."
HELLINGS-(Cutting her off)
"Yeah I heard! Phoenix acts like he doesn't know who I am? Well you know, I could tell him, but he isn't worth it. Sure, I could talk
about all my past accomplishments, accomplishments I achieved quite quickly too, I might add. But that
doesn't matter. And sure, I am the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time, but that is in the past.
Right now, I'm gonna steal a page out of I AM's book and look ahead into the future."
PAULSHOCK-
"For the love of.."
HELLINGS-(Massaging his forehead, pretending to peer into the future)
"I see a match with Simon Phoenix, Stupac and myself. Stu it trying to be a hero, but as always, he falls
flat on his face. Simon Phoenix try to get in my way, but I end up hitting with a Chokeslam to HELLings and I go on to become the next RWW Television Champion! Why? Because I am The Boy and that means I am The Best! You see, Stu can pretend to be a hero all he wants, but I will prove to be his kryptonite. I will
take him out and steal his beloved little title, just like he keeps stealing my material. UBERslam champion?
Yeah, original. We all know I am the One and Only UBERstar around here! But it's cool, really, because I know that Stu doesn't have the mental capacity to handle coming up with any new material. Besides, it's fairly obvious that he just wants to be like me. And who can blame him? If I were him I would want to be me too!"
PAULSHOCK-
"What about The Syko? He..."
HELLINGS-(Cutting her off again)
"What about him? He can run around, pretending to be as menacing as he wants to be.
But he's just like Stupac! He hides behind a mask too! You know why? Because he is too afraid to show his face in public. And I understand that,
'cause I've seen both he and Stupac wrestle and it ain't pretty. And he talks about me being over the hill? I think Syko has
that mask on a little too tight! Does he think they would still call me The Boy if I was 72 like Big Daddy Bruce? Of course not! I'm still one of the youngest guys in the locker room!
And he wants to retire me? Go ahead, take your best shot! I'm not afraid of anyone, let alone that jackass! What's so psychotic about him anyway? The fact that he can't spell psycho?
Is that supposed to intimidate me? An illiterate hiding behind a mask? You know, that's what happens when you come from the US! I'm Canadian, in fact, I'm THE Canadian Legend dammit! And our education
system is superior in every way possible. Just like I am superior to everyone else in Rampage World Wrestling! But you know what really bothers me about The Syko?"
PAULSHOCK-
"No and I would rather not."
HELLINGS-
"The guy talks about retiring all the has-beens around here. First of all, that was SO my gimmick like a year ago! And what about his good friend Stupac?
Does anyone else remember Stupac's (making quotation marks with his fingers) 'last match' against Pantera like a year ago? I do, unfortunately, but there's just one problem...he's still wrestling! He's still cluttering up MY TV time with his
inept wrestling! He is like the oldest guy here! If The Syko wants to take out all the has-beens, he only has to look behind him to see his old pal Stupac! But you know what? He won't get a chance to take him out. Stupac will go down and I am the one who will finally
take him out. Not only that, but that tv title will be mine too! I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it!"
(Just then, Bredan Fraser storms back in and tosses a Happy Meal at The Boy)
BRENDAN FRASER-
"You've just been Franchised!"
HELLINGS-
"What the hell are you doing?"
BRENDAN FRASER-
"I was just getting ready for my big scene."
(Adam West enters the room again.)
ADAM WEST-
"Halt evil villain! I knew I couldn't trust you! (Points to Fraser) He stole the Bat-toy!"
BRENDAN FRASER-
"Dude, I paid for the meal, I get the toy!"
ADAM WEST-
"I will not stand for this! Put up your dukes!"
BRENDAN FRASER-
"My what?"
(West nails Fraser right in the chin with a hard right. West even creates his own sound effects, audibly saying "Pow," "Crack" "Bam," and the like, just as though he were still on the old Batman show.)
ADAM WEST-
"Biff!"
(He punches him again)
ADAM WEST-
"Zap!"
(Another punch)
ADAM WEST-
"Crack!"
(Fraser swings back and takes him down. The two men roll around on the ground, beating the hell out of each other.)
HELLINGS-
"I knew I shouldn't have hired these two hacks! This sitcom just won't work with these two idiots! I have had enough!"
(The Boy walks off and grabs a steel chair. He smacks Fraser across the head with it a few times, then lays out Adam West as well)
PAULSHOCK-
"Why did you do that?"
HELLINGS-
"They were annoying me anyway. Besides, if you want something done, you got to do it yourself! If I want a sitcom all about me, there shouldn't be anyone else to hog my spotlight! Just like at Blaze of Glory, I will make sure everyone knows who the real
star of RWW is...me! The Boy!"
PAULSHOCK-
"You need help."
HELLINGS-
"I sure do. And you're the one who can help me out."
PAULSHOCK-
"What?!"
HELLINGS-
"What do you say? You wanna go back to my hotel room for a while? I promise I'll make it worth your time."
PAULSHOCK-
"Get away from me!"
(She kicks The Boy in the groin and runs away screaming.)
HELLINGS-
"She wants me."
(Adam West struggles over to The Boy and grabs onto his legs)
ADAM WEST-
"I think this is it! I think I'm going to that big Bat Cave in the sky! Tell Catwoman I love her!"
(The Boy looks at West and then kicks him in the face)
HELLINGS-
"I can't stand that guy! Still, he's a better Batman than George Clooney. Hey! I betcha I could play Batman! I gotta call my agent!"
(The Boy runs off, leaving the fallen West and Fraser behind. Fade to black.)
  
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