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rww:
I WANT MY NICKELBACK
(The scene opens up backstage of a Nickelback concert. We see Scott "The Boy" Hellings.
He is wearing a black nWo shirt that says "The One and Only UberStar" on the back and around
his neck is a VIP pass. He is pacing back and forth, checking his watch as RWW reporter,
Michael Cole suddenly runs up to him, microphone in hand.)
MICHAEL COLE-
"Scott! There you are! I have been looking all over for your, trying to get an interview!"
HELLINGS-(Sarcastic)
"Well, gee, I'm glad to know I'm wanted."
MICHAEL COLE-
"Where have you been lately? And more importantly,
why did you turn your back on Stu Osborne and the RWW at Revelations, only to join the nWo?"
HELLINGS-
"Well I had to get on the show somehow Cole!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"What is that supposed to mean?"
HELLINGS-
"I'll tell you what it means! I fought for Rampage World Wrestling Cole. Over the last few months
I have fought as hard as any other superstar in the locker room. I have done everything in my power to try and rid
the RWW of the nWo! So at Revelations, Stu books a match between Rampage World Wrestling and The New World Order. He makes it a Caged Rage
match! It's the biggest match of 2002! But did Stu Osborne put me, his supposed best friend, and The One and ONLY UberStar into the match? NO! And instead, he puts a
bunch of nobodies in my place like Chester Berkowitze and The Syko! Those guys aren't worthy of washing my jockstrap Cole! It's a damn slap in the face!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"Actually, both Chester and The Syko are huge superstars in RWW..."
(Holds up a hand to interrupt Michael Cole)
HELLINGS-
"Exactly! They are only superstars, but I am an UBERSTAR! For that alone I deserved to be in that match, but I was shafted! Hell, I didn't get a match at all! Who the HELLings does Stu Osborne think he is? Never mind the fact that the fans love me and pay their money to see me, dont' even pay attention to the fact that I am the best damn wrestler
in this company, in this business today, but on top of all that, I have been here longer than 99% of all the jobbers in the RWW locker room combined! I'm an icon in this company dammit! Why doesn't Stu Osborne want the top name in the history of this business in his biggest match of the year? Because Stu Osborne is a jackass! He is the one that turned his back on the fans, not me Cole!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"But I thought you hated the nWo?"
HELLINGS-(Shrugs)
"I had no other choice. I deserve to be treated better than that. Besides, everyone needs a leader Cole."
MICHAEL COLE-
"You're declaring yourself leader of the nWo?!?!"
HELLINGS-
"Well, I am not just going to take the title. I'm sure we'll get together and have a vote on it or something. The nWo is far more democratic than the commy RWW!"
MICHAEL COLE-(Shocked)
"Communist?!"
HELLINGS-
"Of course! By keeping me out of Caged Rage and putting those nobodies in the match, Stu Osborne is suggesting that they are my equal! Treating everyone as equals when they most certainly are not is communism Cole and I won't stand for it! Why else do you think the main colour in the RWW logo is red? The way I see it, the RWW is the enemy is all this, not the nWo!"
(Michael Cole looks stunned)
MICHAEL COLE-
"You amaze me."
HELLINGS-
"Yeah, I get that all the time. But believe me Cole, the nWo wants me because they need me! Just like when I stole PSI from Jay Zee and I made it into the most dominant force in RWW, I will take the nWo to places they never thought existed!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"They do have Donte Rocker you know, he has been here longer than you."
HELLINGS-
"I know! The guy is so old he actually went to school with Ric Flair!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"That's not true."
HELLINGS-
"Whatever, he's old. I mean, did you see the way he used to chase after Pantera? It was so disgusting, it even made Woody Allen vomit!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"So you don't like Donte Rocker?"
HELLINGS-
"I have no problems with him. He had just better recognize that I am his superior and that he needs to keep himself in line!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"I think you need help Scott."
HELLINGS-
"Shut up Cole! I won't tolerate that insolence if you do it again! Now listen up Cole, when the nWo finally crushes Stu Osborne and his precious RWW, things are gonna be different around here! Much different!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"Like what?"
HELLINGS-
"For starters, we're gonna get rid of you and bring in an attractive woman. Secondly, whenever I am not on camera, I will demand any superstar who is on camera to say things like 'where's The Boy?' And they should also talk about how great I am and stuff like that. That's all I got right now, but I'm sure I'll think of something else later."
MICHAEL COLE-
"Uh..."
HELLINGS-
"Are you done now? I'm busy Cole!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"Well, I was going to ask you about your match with MC Tommy Dee this Friday. First off, you have stated why you turned your back on the RWW and Stu Osborne, but what about Tommy? You two are or were best friends! How could you turn your back on him like that? What did he ever do to you?"
HELLINGS-
"What did he ever do to me? He actually asked me to be in his corner, to be his freakin' cheerleader at Revelations! He knew that me not having a match was bothering me and he rubbed it into my face! Tommy Dee isn't even worthy of being in my presence? And who the hell does he think he is with all that (in a bad impression of Tommy Dee) 'I will DEE-stroy you!' Gimme a break! Is he trying to be cute? Does he think that's funny or something?"
MICHAEL COLE-
"You mean, kind of like you call your finisher The Chokeslam to HELLings?"
HELLINGS-
"Shut up Cole! I'm trying to prove a point here! And don't think I won't hurt you if you keep up that attitude!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"Alright. Well how do you plan on preparing for the match against MC Tommy Dee? What strategies will you be using?"
HELLINGS-
"The only strategy I have will need to use is to try and wrestle as much like Tommy as possible....really poorly. Let's face facts - the guy sucks. So for this one match I will actually have to somehow learn how to be as inadequate as Tommy Dee. Let me tell you, that is no easy task when you're this damn goo! That's the problem with RWW Cole, you guys are content to just be average; there's no competition here! It makes things so much more boring for those of us who are truly superior! Because as we all know, I am The Boy and that means I am The Best!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"You really are something aren't you?"
HELLINGS-
"I know, I'm like a frikkin' work of art! (The Boy begins to flex his muscles in various poses and making all sorts of other cheezy poses that look like they came out of a Sears catalogue). They should build a huge monument to me or something! You know what? Screw Macy's! Next year, I'm gonna try and get the Thanksgiving parade changed into (Looks off into the distance and makes motions with hands as if reading off an imaginary marquee) The Thanskgiving for The Boy Parade! It will be huge!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"Although it's grandeur will never live up to your own ego."
HELLINGS-
"I thought I warned you about that backtalk Mick. Now are you done? I have important business I have to attend to!"
(Just then, the roar of the crowd can be heard and then the guys from Nickelback walk right past The Boy and Cole, not even remotely paying attention to them)
HELLINGS-
"Look at that! They just walked right past me without even paying attention to me! They must have saw you!"
(The Boy shouts out after Nickelback. The guys-Chad and Mike Kroeger, Ryan Peake and Ryan Vikedal-spin around.)
CHAD KROEGER-
"Hey, what's up man? You want an autograph or something?"
HELLINGS-
"Autograph? If anything you should want my autograph!"
CHAD KROEGER-
"Who are you again?"
MIKE KROEGER-
"Isn't he that sick kid?"
HELLINGS-
"What? NO! I'm The Boy dammit!"
MIKE KROEGER-
"Yeah, that's what we said...the sick boy."
(Chad Kroeger leans over and gives Hellings a really fake-looking smile before saying in a condescending tone...)
CHAD KROEGER-
"Don't worry son! They'll find a cure for cancer real soon!"
HELLINGS-
"I'm not sick!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"That's up for debate."
HELLINGS-
"Don't you know me? I'm Scott Hellings, The Boy! The greatest wrestler to ever live! I'm the one and only UberStar!"
RYAN VIKEDAL-
"Oh yeah, you're that guy who uses Breathe for his song or something, right?"
HELLINGS-
"That's right. I guess my reputation precedes me."
MICHAEL COLE-
"He didn't even know who you were at first!"
HELLINGS-
"Shut up Cole!"
CHAD KROEGER-
"So, Steve..."
HELLINGS-
"No, it's Scott."
CHAD KROEGER-
"Whatever. So what are you then, a figure skater or something? Is that what you do, ice dance to our song?"
(Michael Cole begins to laugh, but The Boy elbows him in the gut, hard)
HELLINGS-
"Figure skater? Of course not! Do I look like a figure skater? I'm The Boy dammit! I'm the greatest wrestler to ever live! I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it!"
CHAD KROEGER-
"Yeah, I actually didn't know that at all."
RYAN PEAKE-
"So what exactly is it that you want?"
HELLINGS-
"I need something from you.."
CHAD KROEGER-
"Oh, sorry, we don't do private parties man."
HELLINGS-
"Don't flatter yourselves. I'm here to collect!"
MIKE KROEGER-
"Oh, sorry man. We've already donated all the money we're giving to charity this year."
HELLINGS-
"Charity? I'm talking about something more important! I'm talking about me!"
RYAN PEAKE-
"We're not giving any money to cancer research buddy."
HELLINGS-(Yelling)
"I'm not the sick kid!"
RYAN VIKEDAL-
"Yeah man, this isn't the kid...this is Sam."
HELLINGS-
"SCOTT! Is that so hard to remember?"
MICHAEL COLE-
"So why are you here Scott?"
HELLINGS-
"You see? He knows my name and he's an idiot!"
CHAD KROEGER-
"What do you want man?"
HELLINGS-
"I want you to pay me the money you rightfully owe me!"
RYAN PEAKE-
"We owe you money?"
HELLINGS-
"Because I'm using your song, you jackasses are famous! People all across the world hear my song when I come out and because they all love me, they all want to be like me, they went out to buy your CD's!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"Actually, I think they were famous before you started using Breathe"
HELLINGS-
"No one asked you Mick."
CHAD KROEGER-
"Look, uh...what was your name again?"
HELLINGS-
"Scott!"
CHAD KROEGER-
"Whatever. We're not paying you anything."
HELLINGS-
"Well, isn't that gratitude for you? I make you guys huge international stars and now you stab me in the back. If it weren't for me, you guys would be busking for coffee change, singing Tainted Love on a street corner!"
RYAN VIKEDAL-
"Oh man, I love that song!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"Me too!"
(Michael Cole begins to sing the song, but The Boy stops him)
HELLINGS-
"Now is not the time Cole! Seriously!"
RYAN PEAKE-
"You know, I'm confused. Is there another guy who uses or used to use one of our songs or something?"
MIKE KROEGER-
"Oh yeah, his name was....Stu! That's it, Stu!"
HELLINGS-
"You remember his name and not mine?"
MICHAEL COLE-
"Well unlike you, people actually like Stu."
MIKE KROEGER-
"Oh BURN! That was awesome!"
HELLINGS-
"Hey! People like me Cole! What about all my fans, all my Boy Scouts?"
RYAN PEAKE-
"You do what with Boy Scouts?"
MICHAEL COLE-
"He helps them pitch a tent!"
MIKE KROEGER-
"Double burn! This guy's on fire!"
HELLINGS-
"You know what? It doesn't matter because when I get through with Stupac and his little RWW cronies, it won't matter! And more importantly, we won't have to listen to that stupid Hero song ever again!"
CHAD KROEGER-
"You don't like Hero?"
HELLINGS-
"No it's great....the first million times you hear it! (Starts singing in a mocking tone, really off-key) 'And they say that a hero will save us!' PLEASE! Stu Osborne is not a hero, because heroes have something that he doesn't....honour! Stu stabbed me in the back at Revelations and now you guys are doing the exact same thing!"
CHAD KROEGER-
"We don't even know you man."
HELLINGS-
"Listen, Chadward, you owe me money...so pay up!"
MIKE KROEGER-
"Hey man, you want me to get security?"
CHAD KROEGER-
"Yeah, let's get this jerk out of here."
(Mike and the guys run off to find security, leaving The Boy behind with Michael Cole and Chad Kroeger)
HELLINGS-
"You guys think you're pretty special, don't you? Think you're huge stars? Well let me tell you someting, (starts singing off-key again) 'this is how you remind me'......of how much you totally suck! And hey, never mind the nickels, I want all the quarters, dimes and pennies I spent on you crummy CD back too! You think because you got to be on the Spiderman soundtrack you're all high and mighty now? You know what? That movie wasn't even realistic!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"Um, Scott..."
HELLINGS-
"Do you ever shut up Cole? You know something Chad, you guys are a bunch of sellouts!"
MICHAEL COLE-
"Well you sold out to at Revelations, turning your back on RWW!"
HELLINGS-
"Don't confuse me with your half-truths and gorilla dust!"
(Cole and Chad look at each other, confused. Michael Cole shrugs)
MICHAEL COLE-
"I have no idea what that means either."
HELLINGS-
"I'm not leaving until I get the money that is so rightfully mine!"
CHAD KROEGER-
"You know, I'm gettin awfully tired of you."
HELLINGS-
"Tired of me? You know something Chad? (Looks at his watch) The clock's on 14 minutes and 59 seconds pal, deal with it!"
CHAD KROEGER-
"Okay, that is it!"
HELLINGS-
"You want some of me?"
CHAD KROEGER-
"Yeah!"
(Chad swings, but The Boy ducks it and delivers the Chokeslam to HELLings, just as the guys return with some security.)
RYAN PEAKE-
"What the hell happened here?"
HELLINGS-
"He had it coming!"
SECURITY GUARD-
"Okay, that's it! Let's get his ass out of here!"
(Two guards grab The Boy and another escorts out Cole)
MIKE KROEGER-
"You'll be hearing from our lawyers! What was your name again?"
HELLINGS-
"For the last time.....(stops himself, realizing his situation). My name is Chris Thomason, but some people call me Mercy!"
RYAN VIKEDAL-
"Yeah, we'll see you in court Chris!"
HELLINGS-(Smirks)
"Probably not."
(As the guys check on Nickelback, security drags The Boy away as the scene fades to black.)
  
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