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rww: PSI IN JOLLY OLD ENGLAND

(The scene opens up outside Big Ben in London, England. The camera pans a bit to the left and we see PSI. Damon Gest and Jay Zee are both wearing shirts that say "I AM Canadian." The Boy is wearing his "Greatest IC Champ" shirt and has his title over his shoulder. MC Tommy Dee is wearing a suit of armor and is holding a shield that displays the Saskatchewan flag. Damon Gest is looking at a map trying to find where they are exactly.)

MR. STYLE-
"Scotty, this is perhaps the dumbest thing we have ever done."

HELLINGS-
"What do you mean?"

MR. STYLE-
"Well, we just finished Fire and now here we are in London. We get to be here for a couple of hours and then we have to go back for Monday Gold. Do you have any idea how tired we are going to be?"

HELLINGS-
"I know, I know. It can't be helped! You know I like to try and get an understanding of my opponents! And on Monday I must face Lancelot. And seeing as he is from England I thought I might want to come here and get a feeling for it."

(MC Tommy Dee mutters something that no one can understand. Jay opens the face shield on the armor.)

MR. STYLE-
"You have to have this open if you want to speak, dummy!"

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Sorry. Hey! Can we go and find the frozen corpse of Churchill?"

HELLINGS-
"You're thinking of the frozen corpse of Lenin in Russia, I think."

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Whatever."

HELLINGS-
"Come on. Let's go get something to eat."

DAMON GEST-(In a bad impression of Austin Powers)
"Yeah baby-tastic!"

(The other three look at Damon and shake their heads, completely confused. They walk in off in search of food as the camera fades out. The camera comes back on with PSI sitting at a table in a small diner. All four members are reading menus.)

MR. STYLE-(Slams his menu down)
"Does anyone have any idea what half of this crap is?"

HELLINGS-
"Heck no! Bangers and mash? What the heck is that?"

(The waitress comes over to the table as the camera pans out slightly.)

WAITRESS-
"What can I get for you?"

HELLINGS-
"I'll have a vodka martini. Shaken, not stirred."

WAITRESS-(Rolls her eyes)
"Yeah, I'll get right on that."

MR. STYLE-
"Can you recommend something here?"

WAITRESS-
"How about fish and chips four times with a pot of tea?"

SCOTT, TOMMY AND JAY-
"Whatever."

(The waitress begins writing it down on her pad of paper.)

DAMON GEST-(In the same bad Austin Powers impression)
"Do I make you horny-ful, babysaurus?"

(The waitress just looks at Damon and runs away. The other three are completely confused.)

HELLINGS-(Looks out the window)
"Hey! That's Goldfinger! We have to stop him!"

(Hellings gets up from his table and runs out of the diner after the man he mistook for the fictional character.)

MC TOMMY DEE-
"It's probably better this way."

MR. STYLE-
"Yeah but who's got the money? Do you Tommy?"

MC TOMMY DEE-(Points to his suit of armor and replies sarcastically)
"Oh yeah, they have tons of pockets in these things!"

(The three just look at each other and then they realise that Scott is the only one with money. They get up from their table and also join in the quest to maim the elderly man who kinda looks like the guy who played Goldfinger.)

DAMON GEST-(Shouting after Hellings)
"Waitabotomy Scotty!"

(The camera show The Boy who stops for a moment, so they can catch up.)

HELLINGS-
"Hurry! We can't lose him!"

(The camera cuts back to show MC Tommy Dee desperately trying to run in his suit of armor, but to no avail.)

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Wait!"

(The camera cuts back to the other three, who run back for Tommy Dee.)

HELLINGS-
"Well I hope you're happy! He got away!"

MR. STYLE-
"It wasn't really him, man."

(MC Tommy Dee tries to say he's sorry, but the face guard falls again and it is all muffled. Hellings rolls his eyes. The camera cuts back to the diner and it shows the waitress and a burly cook screaming at them.)

HELLINGS-
"Well now we'll never know, will we? You know, we could have got a huge reward for hauling him in! I bet we could have got five hundred dollars!"

MR. STYLE-
"You mean pounds."

(The camera cuts back to show the waitress)

WAITRESS-
"Hey! You have to pay for your food! Get back here!"

DAMON GEST-
"Dudeicus! We should run!"

HELLINGS-
"What about Tommy?"

DAMON GEST-
"I'm prepared to take that lossapalooza."

HELLINGS-
"You just want his hardcore title, don't you?"

DAMON GEST-(Hangs his head in shame)
"Maybe."

MR. STYLE-
"Come on! There's a bus! Get on, quick!"

(The go over to the bus stop and get on quick. Hellings just grabs a seat on the bottom floor of the double-decker, as does Jay. Damon Gest keeps running from level to level, just to prove he can. MC Tommy Dee tries to run from level too, but is weighed down by his suit and can't move too quickly and eventually passes out. The camera cuts to Jay, who is sitting beside an attractive woman.)

MR. STYLE-
"Hi there, I'm Jay. I'm new in town and I was wondering if you would like to show me around."

(The woman smiles at Jay revealing her horrible teeth. Jay retracts back in fear.)

MR. STYLE-
"There is no God!"

(The camera cuts to the bus driver, who stops the bus.)

BUS DRIVER-
"Alright! I have had enough of these idiots running from level to level! All four of you, shove off!"

(The four members of PSI get kicked off the bus. They look around and they see that they are across the street from a bar called The Rogue's Den. They believe that is Sycho Sid's bar.)

MR. STYLE-
"Should we go in?"

DAMON GEST-(Giving a thumbs up)
"Shagadelic-oppotamus!"

MR. STYLE-
"Damon, you have to stop bastardizing Austin Powers! It is getting annoying hearing these lines over and over!"

HELLINGS-
"He's right, buddy."

DAMON GEST-(Shocked)
"Et tu Scotty?"

MR. STYLE-(Groans)
"PLEASE tell me he's not going to start doing Shakespeare!"

HELLINGS-
"Now you did it! You just put ideas in his head!"

(Damon smiles a wicked smile. They start to walk over to the bar, but stop. There is a scruffy looking guy standing outside of the establishment, glaring at them.)

HELLINGS-
"What's that guy's problem?"

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Maybe he is Lancelot's narrator guy. Can we go kick his ass?"

(The camera cuts to the man.)

THE MAN FROM THE BAR-
" 'Ere! You're a right lot, ain't you? Specially the bloke with the gold. He's a bit of a looker!"

(They look at Scott. He puts his hand on Damon's shoulder.)

HELLINGS-
"We should go."

MC TOMMY DEE-
"No, let me challenge him to a duel first!"

(MC Tommy Dee goes to take off his glove from his armor suit. Damon tries to get him to stop. Dee finally gets it off and swings wildly.)

MC TOMMY DEE-
"I challlenge thee to a duel!"

(The glove hits Gest right in the face, hard.)

MR. STYLE-
"Are you alright?"

DAMON GEST-
"Aye, 'tis a scratch. 'Tis but a scratch-icus!"

MR. STYLE-
"Someone shoot me."

(They run away from the bar. Damon clutches his forehead. The camera fades out. The scene opens up again in Sherwood Forest. Dee is still wearing his armor and Scott and Damon are wearing the same outfit as before. However, Jay Zee is wearing green tights and a Robin Hood hat.)

MR. STYLE-
"Why do I have to wear this stupid costume?"

HELLINGS-
"Well Tommy is already wearing the armor and me and Damon can't fit into it."

MR. STYLE-
"Do you REALLY need it though?"

HELLINGS-
"It's all about atmosphere, Jay! We are in Sherwood Forest, home of Robin Hood! I need someone to dress up like Robin Hood so I can get a good feeling for it."

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Dude, we aren't gonna like steal from the rich and give to the poor, are we?"

HELLINGS-
"No......unless the opportunity presents itself. However, until then-Jay?"

MR. STYLE-
"Oh no!"

HELLINGS-
"Oh yes. You know what I want. You have to lead us. After all, you are MR. Style and this DOES require someone with style."

MR. STYLE-
"Fine! But you owe me. BIG!"

(The four get into a line and turn their backs to the camera.)

MR. STYLE-(In a monotone, uninterested voice)
"Ready?"

DAMON, THE BOY AND TOMMY DEE-
"READY!"

(The four turn around to face the camera once more.)

MR. STYLE-(Singing)
"We're men. We're men in tights."

DAMON, THE BOY AND TOMMY DEE-(Singing)
"TIGHT, TIGHTS!"

MR. STYLE-(Still singing)
"We roam under the country looking for fights!"

(The four of them pretend to get into a fight, but Tommy can't. He is too weighed down from the suit of armor. All of a sudden the camera swings left and we see the man outside The Rogue's Den leaning on a tree.)

THE MAN FROM THE BAR-
" 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! You likes it rough, do ya?"

HELLINGS-
"Okay, this is getting creepy. Someone must have invited that guy!"

DAMON GEST-
"There is something rotten in the state of Denmarkitis!"

HELLINGS-
"Was it you Tommy?"

(MC Tommy Dee just pretends not to look at The Boy.)

HELLINGS-
"Tommy?!"

(MC Tommy Dee pulls the face guard down so he can't reply.)

HELLINGS-
"I hate you. Come on, let's get out of here!"

(The four run away. Well, Tommy can't run too fast and neither can Jay. The tights are kind of......chaffing a bit. The scene fades out and comes back in again inside the subway station.)

MR. STYLE-
"So is this the...uh tube?"

HELLINGS-
"I think so."

DEE AND GEST-
"TUBULAR!"

HELLINGS-
"I hate you both!"

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Sorry mate! Bob's your uncle!"

HELLINGS-
"What about my uncle Bob?"

MC TOMMY DEE-
"I....uh...."

(MC Tommy Dee trails off and shuts the face guard again. They all shake their heads in disbelief. The train stops and they get aboard. MC Tommy Dee is having troubles finding the door, as he can't see with the face guard down. He bumbs into a few people and finally gets inside. They sit down in seperate seats. Sitting beside Hellings is a man reading a newspaper. Hellings says hello to him, but the man pretends to ignore him.)

HELLINGS-
"Dude? Are you still alive over there?"

MAN WITH THE PAPER-
"Leave me alone!"

HELLINGS-
"You're not that guy from the bar again, are you?"

(A voice is heard from over Hellings' shoulder.)

THE MAN FROM THE BAR-
"I'm over here sweetie!"

HELLINGS-
"Get em Damon!"

(Damon Gest gets out of his seat and rushes the man from the bar. The man beside Scott throws his paper down, he is upset with the violence around him. The man reveals himself as.....Ringo Starr of The Beatles.)

HELLINGS-
"Ringo Starr!"

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Dude! I love The Doors!"

MR. STYLE-
"Sing something for us."

RINGO-
"No, I don't think so. Besides, I need some music."

HELLINGS-
"Damon?"

(Damon Gest breaks Legatosis on the man from the bar. He pulls out a discman and presses play and "I Want To Hold Your Hand" by the Beatles begins to play.)

RINGO-
"You're daft, you know that-right?"

HELLINGS-
"Just sing, buddy!"

(Ringo, Hellings, Jay, Damon and MC Tommy Dee start singing along to the song. The man from the bar gets up and starts singing with them.)

ALL-
"Hey you! I'll tell you something-I'll think you'll understand. When I say something-I wanna hold your hand!"

THE MAN FROM THE BAR-(Looking at Hellings)
"Do you really, mate? You want to hold me hand?"

HELLINGS-
"Okay! That is it!"

(Hellings jumps the man from the bar. He starts pounding away on him. The camera cuts to Jay and Ringo. Mr. Style puts his hand on Ringo's shoulder.)

MR. STYLE-
"We should go."

(Damon is taking bets on the fight from everyone on the tube. MC Tommy Dee's face guard falls down again and he is completely unaware as to what is going on. While, we cannot hear what he is saying, it is obvious that he is still singing. Ringo Starr walks over to Tommy and lifts the guard.)

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Thanks!"

RINGO-
"I bet it felt like you were in a Yellow Submarine in there, huh?"

(Ringo smiles at his own joke, but Tommy shrugs and doesn't get it. Ringo slams the faceguard shut again and storms off. The conductor comes by to kick them all off.)

CONDUCTOR-
"Right! All of you trouble makers, get off!"

DAMON GEST-(Turns towards the sound of the conductor's voice.)
"Hark! What light through yonder window breaks-aroni?"

MR. STYLE-
"Man! Anyone who works for public transit sure has an attitude over here, don't they?"

(The conductor pushes them out the door. They get off the tube and find themselves outside again. They are standing along the Thames River.)

MR. STYLE-
"Man, I could really go for a dip!"

HELLINGS-
"Isn't it going to be horribly cold?"

MR. STYLE-
"Maybe. I don't care though!"

(Jay runs towards the river. Hellings and Damon shrug their shoulders and run off too. The Boy spins around to face MC Tommy Dee.)

HELLINGS-
"You coming man?"

MC TOMMY DEE-
"I would, but I think I might rust out...or sink or something. Besides it takes a REALLY long time to get this off!"

HELLINGS-
"Your loss man."

(Gest, Hellings and Jay Zee jump into the river. Almost immediately they realise that is VERY cold. They are shivering and are trying to get out.)

MR. STYLE-
"Tommy! Help us!"

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Uh.....can you wait a minute?"

JAY, HELLINGS AND GEST-
"NO!!!!!"

(MC Tommy Dee tries to get to the river, but can't. The trio are freezing. Suddenly, the camera swings back to show Ringo Starr appear with a rope in hand to save them. He pulls them in.)

RINGO-
"I just happened to be walking by and I just had to help out. Besides, you guys kinda sounded pretty good back there."

HELLINGS-(Singing)
"I get by with a little help from my friends!"

MR. STYLE-
"Man! I'm glad you didn't just Let It Be!"

(They all laugh at the corny joke)

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Yeah, you really 'Broke On Through To the Other Side!' "

(The laughter stops)

RINGO-
"Stupid git."

(Damon slams the face guard down again. Ringo walks off, sighing.)

DAMON GEST-
"I bite my thumb at thee sir-ology!"

(Damon glares at Tommy at bites his thumb.)

DAMON GEST-
"OUCH!"

HELLINGS-
"Come on, we got to get out of here for Monday Gold."

(The four walk off. The scene fades out and comes back inside Heathrow Airport. Hellings is walking through the metal detector. The man in charge of it is not paying attention. The alarm goes off.)

AIRLINE WORKER-
"Oh, excuse me sir. I need to get you to take off your belt there."

(Hellings flinches back and has a crazed look in his eyes.)

MR. STYLE-
"He shouldn't have done that!"

MC TOMMY DEE-
"I can't look!"

(Dee tries to turn his back to the scene, but it too hard to move in the suit. He finally just shrugs his shoudlers and closes the guard down again. The camera cuts back to Hellings and the man.)

HELLINGS-
"I don't think so!"

AIRLINE WORKER-
"Sir, please!"

(Hellings jumps the man and delivers the Chokeslam to HELLings. MC Tommy Dee, Jay and Damon start fighting with random airport staff members. Finally, some security guards come in and drag them all away.)

HELLINGS-
"Hey! You guys don't look like bobbies! If I'm going to get arrested, I want it to be by British Bobbies, dammit!"

(The camera cuts to Damon Gest, as he too is getting dragged away.)

DAMON GEST-
"We never saw them, though they came right for us.
Aye, there's the rub-SUCKASAURUS!"

(End.)

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