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A REAL PAIN IN THE NECK
(The scene opens up inside a hotel room in Ottawa, Ontario. We see Scott "The Boy" Hellings sitting down watching television when a knock on the door is heard. The Boy gets up and walks over to the door. An attractive, young blonde woman is standing in the doorway.)
WOMAN-
"Mr. Hellings?"
HELLINGS-
"That's me."
WOMAN-
"My name is Ms. Laurier, I was sent here to be your personal nurse and physical therapist for the next little while. I understand you have been experiencing some discomfort lately?"
HELLINGS-
"I sure have. Basically, I think I tweaked my neck in my match against Creature last week."
NURSE LAURIER-
"Oh, really?"
HELLINGS-
"Would I lie to you? (The woman looks as though she is about to answer that, but The Boy holds up his hand to stop her). Don't answer that. You have to trust me that I am telling you the truth. It was a pretty physical match and towards the end I could feel that something was wrong. I couldn't explain it, but when I was reviewing the footage of the match, I distinctly heard commentator Tony Rios say, quote: I think Hellings might have irritated his neck.' Unqoute. After hearing that I immediately recognized that that was my problem and that is the one and only reason why I lost."
NURSE LAURIER-
"You know where I come from some people might call that an excuse."
HELLINGS-
"Believe me, it's not an excuse; it is undeniable medical science. You'll experience that firsthand soon enough. I only hope that I will be ready for my match with Mercy this week."
NURSE LAURIER-
"You're not going to use this as an excuse to get out of the match, are you?"
HELLINGS-
"Of course not! I am the one and ONLY UBERstar! I don't walk away from a fight! Even if I wanted to, I couldn't just walk away from this match; we are in Canada! There are more of my fans, more Boy Scouts, here than anywhere else in the world! Especially because this is the nation's capital! No, I cannot let them down. Bombtrack and Stevie Swing may be some pretty big players around here, but I know that I am at least 27 times better than both of them combined. So I don't really care who my partner is because it won't really matter one way or the other. My partner might as well be a sack of potatoes for all I care. Because at the end of the night, bad neck or not, I will be the one walking out as I always do-the winner! I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it!"
NURSE LAURIER-
"Yeah they told me about you. They said you had quite the ego problem."
HELLINGS-
"Why does everyone keep saying that? First I'm getting phone calls from Mercy's therapist about how I need to come in for a session and now you're on my case about being a little bit cocky. I can't handle it! Let me tell you something Nurse Laurier-until someone can prove beyond the shadow of the doubt that I am NOT The Marquee Player, The Franchise Saviour, and the Number One Money Maker, than I don't think you, or anyone else for that matter, can doubt my abilities. It isn't being narcissistic or over-confident if you can back up what you say and I do just that each and every week"
NURSE LAURIER-
"Except for last week."
HELLINGS-
"Hey, if you don't believe me you can ask my own partner this week or one of my opponents-Bombtrack-about what I am capable of inside that ring. They know as well as anyone that I am every bit as good as I say I am. Besides, if I wasn't, than why did Canadian government insist that you work as my personal physician until I am back at 100%?"
NURSE LAURIER-
"I have a theory that it basically boils down to fate hating me."
HELLINGS-
"Listen, sweetie, I am THE Canadian Legend, okay? I deserve the finest in Canadian healthcare and you had better be working extra-hard to get this chiseled physique of mine back into proper working order in time for my match this week."
NURSE LAURIER-
"And if I don't?"
HELLINGS-
"Well that would be very naughty of you. And I have a special way to take care of someone who has been naughty..."
NURSE LAURIER-
"Can we just get on with this before I dry heave?"
HELLINGS-
"Sure. What are you going do for me first?"
NURSE LAURIER-
"Sit back and let me massage your neck for a bit first."
HELLINGS-
"Massage? Okay, take your clothes off."
NURSE LAURIER-
"What?"
HELLINGS-
"Isn't that the way this sort of thing goes?"
NURSE LAURIER-
"No! The person getting the massage is usually naked, not the masseuse!"
HELLINGS-
"Are you sure?"
NURSE LAURIER-
"Positive. Now shut up so I get to work."
HELLINGS-
"I love it when you talk dirty."
(Nurse Laurier elbows The Boy in the back of the head).
HELLINGS-
"Ow! That hurt!"
NURSE LAURIER-
"Deal with it."
HELLINGS-
"Pull that crap again and you're gonna have a malpractice suit missy."
(Nurse Laurier begins massaging Hellings' allegedly injured neck).
NURSE LAURIER-
"So, not that I actually care, but I just want to get this straight: you and the guy you're teaming with this week hate each other?"
HELLINGS-
"Yeah, that's about right. Mercy and I go way back."
NURSE LAURIER-
"How does that work? Can you trust him then? Or, more accurately, can he trust you?"
HELLINGS-
"You know what? It really doesn't matter. Can I trust Mercy? Probably. He's too much of a (making quotation marks with his fingers) 'goodie two-shoes' to turn on me. He's pretty much the type of guy who likes to play by the rules."
NURSE LAURIER-
"Admirable."
HELLINGS-
"But annoying. As far as Mercy being able to trust me is concerned, it doesn't have anything to do with common goals or any of that other psycho babble Mercy believes in. It all comes down to the fact that Mercy is not worth my time. I have beat Mercy at least 3,247 times before, so I really don't think there is any point in me trying to engage in him in combat once again. Why try to destroy him when Father Time is already doing it for me? As I've said since the day I made my debut here-I don't care about the past. I don't care what happened years ago, but people keep trying to bring it up and FORCE me into caring. RWW is dead, whether people want to believe it or not. The entity right now known as RWW is simply a pathetic copy of something that was once truly great—mainly because I was apart of it of course.
Mercy is so consumed by his past with Rob Gamble that it will ultimately be his own undoing. Me? I'm focused on the future. Do I go around broadcasting to people week in and week out that I am a former RWW champion? I only do that when I need to teach someone a lesson, just like that ignorant Creach. The reason I don't sing the praises of my past accomplishments is because they are in the past. What matters to me now is not what I won then, but what I have YET to win. Mercy can focus on the past all he wants and Rob Gamble can bicker over what happened years ago but the NOW belongs to The Boy! So will Mercy and I be able to coexist? Unless he gets in my way, than the answer is a resounding 'yes.' I don't need his help to win anyway. I can beat Bombtrack and Stevie Swing by myself and I'll do just that if I have to. You won't even be able to notice Mercy out there because, after all, I am The Boy and that means I am The Best!"
NURSE LAURIER-
"What about your opponent, Bombtrack? You know him too, right? I've heard that he really wants to destroy both you and Mercy. Aren't you worried what he might do to you?"
HELLINGS-
"Make no mistake about it, Bombtrack was a force years ago. But note that I say that in the PAST tense. Bombtrack is another guy who wants to relive the glory days, who wants to remain stagnant and not move on with his life. If that's the way he wants it then that is his own decision. If you ask me though, his rage will cloud his judgment in the ring. Besides, Bombtrack has always been a few bricks short of a load, so considering that and his age, I'm not treating him as a threat. I beat Bombtrack when he was in his prime. The Bombtrack you see these days is a shadow of his former self. If I could beat him when he was on top of the world, why couldn't I do the same now? Bombtrack is like a high school gym teacher, desperately trying to recapture his youth by living vicariously through others' success. To be even remotely successful in this match he will have to heavily rely upon Stevie Swing to carry him through it. See he thinks he can somehow rewrite history be beating me this week, but the fact remains is that I beat him.
I beat at a time when few others could. And that makes him mad. He has the audacity to suggest that he paved the way for my success? No one made me a success but me. It's been like that throughout my entire career and it will remain like that until I retire. I think Bombtrack needs to let go. Maybe after he loses this week I'll let him become a part of my Red and White Ribbon campaign, to help him finally be able to understand that he is just not as good as I am. Instead of pursuing some sort of ridiculous vendetta he can never possibly realize, he should just learn to accept his inadequacy and begin the healing process. I suppose he wants to do things the hard way though, and that's fine by me. I just hope he asked Santa for something other than a win over The Boy this year, because it just isn't going to happen."
NURSE LAURIER-
"You seem pretty sure of yourself. What about the intangible factor here-Stevie Swing? You have never faced him before, right?"
HELLINGS-
"No and I don't need to. Stevie may be able to outdo me in a Dance Dance Revolution competition, but he can't beat me in the ring. Granted, he's better than 90% of the other monkeys around here, but he's still nowhere near as good I am. But very few people are, so he shouldn't feel bad. I just hope that he Bombtrack and Mercy don't get in my way so that I can actually have the opportunity to face Stevie in the ring; I'm always looking fresh blood, new opponents to beat and humiliate. Stevie will fail to beat me because sometimes the will to win is not just enough to prevail over raw ability; no matter how hard you want to win, it just can't happen. To put it another way: I'll beat Bombtrack and Stevie Swing because I want to, because I can!"
(Nurse Laurier stops and begins to head towards the door. The Boy stands up to see her out).
NURSE LAURIER-
"Okay, I think we're done for today."
HELLINGS-
"Really? You've got me in game shape already? That was pretty darn fast. I get a superior body has a superior healing time."
NURSE LAURIER-
"No, I just really can't stand being around you anymore."
HELLINGS-
"You say that now, but you'll come around. They always do."
NURSE LAURIER-
"Believe me, I'm only here for the money."
HELLINGS-
"You see? We have something in common!"
NURSE LAURIER-
"I'm going now. Hopefully, for your sake, you'll be able to stop admiring yourself in the mirror long enough to actually get ready for your match. And rest that injured neck of yours."
(Nurse Laurier leaves.)
HELLINGS-(muttering to himself)
"I don't admire myself in the mirror, I study perfection. There's a huge difference. Pff...women."
(The Boy walks into the bathroom and begins to admire his reflection as the scene fades to black).
  
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