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ewa:
ENTERTAINMENT WEAKLY
This one originated as a segment I was actually writing up for the show. The idea was that I was going to be interviewed just before I had my match, but once I started writing it I noticed that it was getting rather lengthy. So, not wanting to give up on it entirely, I just decided to keep going, flesh it out, and turn it into a third roleplay for my match aganist Carnivore. It's hardly a classic, but it was effective. I do love the idea of The Boy ordering 500 subscriptions to "People" to bribe the editors into an interview, only to have them reject them once he does. The interview really recalls my RWW days and being interviewed by Michael Cole, something I hadn't done at all really (and definitely not as well as this) since...well...I guess RWW. So, for a third roleplay it was surprisingly solid and somewhat entertaining I think. And, yes, the main reason for using "Entertainment Weekly" was for the pun title. I couldn't resist. It works though.
(The scene opens up inside a gym. Scott "The Boy" Hellings is, seen pacing back and forth in an otherwise empty locker room. He is wearing typical workout clothing and is sweating slightly, as he has obviously just finished working out. His body language and facial expressions clearly tell that he is getting impatient and annoyed at having to wait for whom or whatever it is he is expecting. Just then, an unknown man, of about 20 or so, enters the room. Carrying a tape recorder in his hand, it is obvious that he is a reporter of some sort.)
REPORTER-
"Hello? Are you Scott Hellings?"
HELLINGS-
"You’re damn right I am! Did you get lost or something? I’ve been waiting all day!"
REPORTER-
"Sorry, I had to stop by the EWA offices first to clear some things. You know the type of thing: briefing on what I could and could not ask you, pick up a press kit, that sort of thing. It seemed awful hectic over there though, so that’s why I’m late."
HELLINGS-
"Don’t make excuses, just get the job done! I just hope the rest of the monkeys over at Entertainment Weekly aren’t as inept as you. Now let’s get on with this, I don’t have all day you know."
REPORTER-
"Well, I don’t know where to begin really. I mean, I don’t even know what the focus of this article is."
HELLINGS-
"Didn’t they tell you?"
REPORTER-
"Well, the problem is that, as is my understanding, you’ve paid Entertainment Weekly a huge sum of money so they would grant you this interview, but you never said what the purpose was. Truthfully, we didn’t even know who you were at fist. We had to Google it."
HELLINGS-
"For your own safety I’ll pretend you didn’t say that. Besides, I know you’re lying. Everyone knows who I am! I’m THE Canadian Legend and The One and Only UBERstar!"
REPORTER-
"I’ll be honest...I have no idea what that even means."
HELLINGS-
"You had better learn to give me the respect I deserve pal! Your people are very lucky to be having this interview period. I originally was going to grant this interview with People Magazine instead."
REPORTER-
"Oh, sorry, I didn’t know. What changed your mind?"
HELLINGS-
"Well...they changed their minds actually. Look, the deal was that I had to buy 500 subscriptions to their stupid magazine so they would give me the interview. So I do that, right? Then they just decide to back out at the last minute. What’s up with that? Oh they claimed they (making quotation marks with his fingers) ‘had more important stories to cover,’ but we both know that isn’t true, right?"
REPORTER-
"So you actually bought 500 subscriptions to People?"
HELLINGS-
"Yeah, you want some? I’ve never really read it before, but the Picks and Pans section is decent. Besides, I’m going to want plenty of copies when I’m inevitably on the cover here, so the subscription should come in handy pretty soon here."
REPORTER-
"I don’t think I even want to know what you mean by that."
HELLINGS-
"You sure you don’t want some? I have enough to spare. It’s the one with pictures of Brad, Angelina, and their kid."
REPORTER-
"I’m good thanks."
HELLINGS-
"Oh, sorry, I forgot. It must be mighty frustrating for you knowing that you scooped you fellas on that one. You know what else is frustrating? The Post Office is ticked off with me. Oh, they’ll go through rain, or sleet, or snow, or hail or whatever else, but they can’t be bothered delivering a few extra magazines."
REPORTER-
"500!"
HELLINGS-
"Whatever! Now are we doing this thing or not?"
REPORTER-
"Okay, well what do you want to talk about?"
HELLINGS-
"How about my life as the champ?"
REPORTER-
"Oh, I didn’t realize you were the champion."
HELLINGS-
"That’s okay, you’re young and stupid, I’ll let it pass."
REPORTER-
"Well, how has life as the champ treated you?"
HELLINGS-
"Life is great Jimmy."
REPORTER-
"My name is Greg."
HELLINGS-
"You mind if I call you Jimmy?"
REPORTER-
"Yes."
HELLINGS-
"Oh, that’s unfortunate. Anyway, life’s great right now Jimmy. I’m on top of the world. Of course, there were never any doubts about that."
REPORTER-
"Anyone who can back that up?"
HELLINGS-
"The Boy Scouts."
REPORTER-
"Which troop number?"
HELLINGS-
"What? No! Look, you can ask anyone around here, everyone knew that I was going to be champion eventually anyway. It’s like I was saying to Carnivore, my opponent in the number one contenders match this week…"
(Cutting him off)
REPORTER-
"Wait, number one contender for what?"
HELLINGS-
"The title! Follow along!"
REPORTER-
"Hold on, I thought you were already the champion?"
HELLINGS-
"Well...not yet. But by the time this issue comes out I will be."
REPORTER-
"No, that’s not true at all. This is Entertainment WEEKLY."
HELLINGS-
"So?"
REPORTER-
"Well that means that issue will be out next week. You’ll only be, at best, the number one contender."
HELLINGS-
"Hey, don’t get insolent with me. Look, this isn’t going to be a Dewey Defeats Truman kinda moment here. Me being the number one contender is practically as good as me having that title."
(Jimmy/Greg shakes his head.)
REPORTER-
"I’m sorry, you can’t guarantee that."
HELLINGS-
"Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. You poor misguided fool you! Let me fill you in on how things run around here. See, everyone in EWA? Well, they’re beneath me. The truth is that I operate on a different plane than they do. Simply put – I’m just that much better. And that’s why, although I haven’t won anything yet, it doesn’t really matter because I’m going to anyway! Me winning tonight and then beating Big Dave is, well, a given. If you were a betting man, I’d suggest placing money on me tonight Jimmy. Granted, you won’t win much because the odds are surely in my favour anyway, but at least you’ll get something."
(Jimmy/Greg seems to be getting frustrated as the realization that the interview is as waste of time sinks in.)
REPORTER-
"This is bogus! I don’t believe this. I mean you’re not even the champion! No one’s going to read about that! Mother was right; I should have never dropped out of law school."
HELLINGS-
"Hey, relax. Like I told you Jimmy, it’s a safe bet. Me winning is a foregone conclusion. Heck, I’m Mr. Foregone Conclusion! And, look at the brightside, if you hadn’t quit law school, well you wouldn’t be getting the opportunity to meet a mega celebrity such as myself, now would you?"
REPORTER-
"Well, unless I had to defend you in court."
HELLINGS-
"The only thing I’m guilty of is being perfect, believe me. Oh, and by the way…’mother?’ What was that about? You got like one of those, whadya call ‘em, Oedipus complexes?"
REPORTER-
"Of course not!"
HELLINGS-
"It’s okay, really. I’m not here to judge. A lot of people have strange little quirks about them. Take Carnivore for instance. He seems to think he can win this match when that is clearly just wishful thinking. I mean, do you honestly think Carnivore can beat me?"
REPORTER-
"I have no idea."
HELLINGS-
"Ask me. Go on, ask me if I can beat Carnivore."
REPORTER-
"Okay."
HELLINGS-
"No, I mean really ask me."
(He sighs in frustration.)
REPORTER-
"Okay fine. Do you think you can beat Carnivore?"
HELLINGS-
"What a stupid question! Why do you even bother asking that you dummy! You think I can’t beat Carnivore? The guy is a talentless hack! Mark my words folks – don’t believe the hype. What has he done anyway? Why should I even worry? Is there a precedent here? Hardly! Carnivore is…just there. Like I’ve said all along, it doesn’t matter if the guy or gal across the ring from me is named Carnviore, Ric Thunder, Big Dave or anyone else! They all will fall down in defeat at the hands of The Boy. I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it!"
REPORTER-
"Actually..."
HELLINGS-
"Don’t even go there. Look, Carnivore is not even a thorn in my side; he’s not even an inconvenience. Two weeks from now no one will even remember who he is! That’s the way this business goes: one week you’re on top of the world, the next you’re living in a dumpster. At least, that’s the way things go for other people. See I don’t have to live by those rules because I’m always at the top no matter where I go. Think of me as…the exception that proves the rule. But, take my word for it Jimmy; I’ll beat Carnivore so bad that I’ll ensure that he has all the time in the world to hang out at his precious little strip joint."
(Jimmy/Greg scratches his head, befuddled).
REPORTER-
"I don’t get it. You haven’t won anything yet. What makes you so…cocky, so arrogant? So sure of yourself?"
HELLINGS-
"I’ve been in this situation many times before Jimmy and every single time it has played out the exact same way – with me as the champ. It’s not that I’m clairvoyant or anything, it’s not a hypothesis, nor am I trying to pump myself up. I think you’ll find that if you do something enough, you get pretty good at it. Practice makes perfect, right? Well if we were playing football and I caught every single pass you threw at me, well pretty soon it would just be a given that I would catch EVERY pass you throw at me, no matter what. It’s no different than scientific theory really; scientists make guesses about how something works, than they observe it over and over and conclude that, if the results are consistent, than it MUST be true. It goes from theory to fact. That’s exactly what is going on here. Enough people have observed me winning big matches like this before that it is just expected of me. Will I win? You bet your bottom dollar I will. I’ve always been successful because I was born to be a winner. Some people have it, some people don’t. Carnivore doesn’t have it. You don’t have it either. I do, and I’ll prove it to the world at Warfare.
Am I cocky you ask? Look, I don’t like the term cocky; it suggests that I merely think something is going to happen, not that I know it will. In short, it suggests doubt; it suggests that there is the possibility of failure. So you see? I’m not cocky. I’m just speaking the truth, preaching the gospel. Besides, there is no one on this roster-especially not Carnivore-that deserves to be the number one contender. I will grab my opportunity; I will seize the day, just as I will when I get my title match. Now more than ever this company needs a champion that the fans can believe in and rally behind and that will make this company proud. You check my resume and call in my references if you wish but trust me, there is no one more qualified for that job than myself. No one deserves it more than me. Forget about how naturally skilled I am, how much better I am than everyone else, but I’m the complete package. Carnivore is the flavour of the month and nothing more. He, like everyone else around here, is just a bunch of bland, generic wannabes looking to make a name for themselves. They have nothing special to offer the crowd. That is why I am going to win and firmly entrench my status as The Marquee Player, The Franchise Saviour, and The Number One Money Maker!"
REPORTER-
"What do you mean ‘now more than ever?’"
HELLINGS-
"The time’s they are a changin’ Jimmy. Up until now, we had two weekly shows, but now we’re going back to one. We started with one, we went to two, now we’re back to one, next week we might have three, the following week back to one, and the week after that 27. The fact is it doesn’t really matter how many shows there are because it’s undeniable that there is only one athlete in all of EWA worth watching, worth spending your hard-earned cash on: ME! You know what happened Jimmy? Implosion failed not because it was poorly run. No, Implosion failed because I wasn’t on it. They put me on Warfare and Implosion fell apart. Believe you me; I am single-handedly responsible for the death of Implosion! I am The Nielsen’s Favourite Son and having me on only one show was a ticking time bomb anyway; Implosion was destined to fail sooner or later simply because I wasn’t there.
This is just like how I was responsible for Jessie Devlin, Destiny, and Ric Thunder running away and abandoning EWA. I know Ric is back now and I’m sure he’d dispute that claim, but we all know the truth Ric. You couldn’t handle me, you were afraid of me! Deny it all you want, but you know you can’t beat me. None of you can! My path to the top is in full force and there will be no stopping me!"
REPORTER-
"Wait, I’m confused. How will that work? If there is only one show, what title will you get a shot at and when?"
HELLINGS-
"Don’t you see? It doesn’t matter. Let’s say this little reorganization of things robs me of my rightful title shot…that’s fine. Sure, The Suits are only hurting themselves, but if that’s what they want, I can’t convince them otherwise. Would I be annoyed? Not at all really. I know that one way or another, I’ll get my opportunity and I will make the most of it. It’s only a matter of time before I become champion around here Jimmy. And I’ll go through whoever I have to in order to get there."
REPORTER-
"So, if I consent that you are, as you say, inevitably going to win the championship, why now? Why not a month from now? Why not last week even? What has you so convinced that this is your moment of glory, as it where?"
HELLINGS-
"Someone of my ability cannot be held back for forever. No matter who is in charge and what they might think of me as person, they can’t deny my greatness. I just can’t be held back for too long before I break out. Why now? Because the opportunity is there. I had the opportunity just a few weeks ago, at Squared Circle Mania, but I fell short. Big Dave pushed me off a ladder and I ended up with a badly sprained ankle. Still, despite what some people think, I never complained about it, I just kept going out there and doing my job. And I managed to beat Phoenix last week, didn’t I?
Sure, she was a little nutty and that didn’t help her cause, but she realistically had no chance against me regardless of what might have happened. I believe in destiny and I am more assuredly destined to win the title. Big Dave cost me one opportunity for greatness and I want it back. It’s almost too perfect, isn’t it? He cost me my chance, and now I’m going to have the opportunity to take the title from him as payback. Whether he meant to hurt me or not isn’t the point; I still couldn’t finish that match and I didn’t walk out as champion. I came up short and that is just not something I do too often. I’m overdue and I’m cashing in. Believe it!"
REPORTER-
"Whatever you say."
HELLINGS-
"Are you good? Do you have enough for the story?"
REPORTER-
"Well, considering I don’t even think there is an article here at all, I think we’ll be just fine thanks."
HELLINGS-
"Trust me; there is a story in there. Hardly earth-shattering news, not exactly hard, investigative journalism or anything, but there is a story and the people will want to read it. In fact, before long they’ll all be clamouring for more Scott Hellings content in their pathetic little lives, yourself included. So, take my advice and right the story now and be ahead of the curve."
REPORTER-
"Yeah, whatever you say."
HELLINGS-
"See you in the headlines."
(The Boy walks out of the room, leaving Jimmy/Greg behind. He turns off his recorder and leans back against a locker, slumping down a bit. It looks as though it has been a long day for him. Just then, The Boy walks back into the shot, almost right in Jimmy/Greg’s face, startling him somewhat.)
REPORTER-
"What the hell do you want now?"
HELLINGS-
"You won’t exactly need to stop the presses when I win because it won’t be a major newsflash to anyone. But, trust me, I WILL win. Carnivore has done next to nothing to get to this point, whereas I have been here since day one, nearly killing myself. Why? For a chance at the title. Was Carnivore in Double Ladder Mayhem? I don’t think so and the reason is that he didn’t deserve it. Just like he doesn’t deserve to be on my path to the title. One of these things just doesn’t belong here and it is Carnivore. I’ll expose him for the fraud he is and then I’ll show Big Dave, The Alliance and all of EWA what a champion really looks like. Why? Because I want to, because I can!"
(The Boy storms off for good this time, leaving Jimmy/Greg looking confused as the scene fades to black.)
  
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