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ewa: OBSTACLE COURSE


The idea for the Lewis and Clark connection came from watching an episode of the short-lived, all-too-forgotten reality TV show, "Treasure Hunters," in which the duo, and the Missouri River in particular, played a significant part. I'm not sure that it works though. This one comes across as maybe a little too whiny, but I think it was only natural for The Boy to complain about losing his World Title shot. I suppose you could call it a "necessary evil." So I guess you could sum it up by describing this roleplay as "average."

(The scene opens up on an old rowboat, lazily floating down the banks of the Missouri River on a calm, sunny day. As the camera pans in tighter we can see Scott “The Boy” Hellings wearing just a pair of worn-looking jeans and an old straw hat, sunning himself, plucking away at a guitar. He keeps playing some unknown tune for a moment before he sits up and begins to speak).

HELLINGS-
"So here we are on the Missouri River. This river was travelled just over two hundred years ago by none other than Meriwether Lewis and William Clark themselves during their foray into the American west. The two men were responsible for mapping much of this territory and earned a spot in the history books. It’s a good thing too, because sometimes people need a map to explain to them just exactly it is they’re headed. Why else do we need gadgets like GPS in everything from cars to PDAs and cell phones? Sometimes, people just need a little help finding their way getting around. Take The Suits here in EWA for example. Now I’d like to think they know where this company is headed, but the truth is they have no clue what they’re doing whatsoever. We had a roster split and now we don’t have a roster split. Make up your minds fellas! One show or two? It’s not hard!

Want undeniable proof that these guys are lost and confused? Me, the man who became Number One Contender for Big Dave’s title is not involved in the unification match in a triple threat with Dave and Mike Battise, as I so rightly deserve. Nope, instead they opted to bring back the good old International Title and they’ve put me in a three-way against Shiru Vanchiez and Rob Faith. I ask you, is that justice? Of course not, but there really isn’t much I can do about it, is there? So I’m not going to sit here and whine to you about how I was screwed, how the rug was pulled out right from beneath me because, truthfully, it’s pointless; the matches have been booked already so there’s simply no way I’ll ever convince The Powers That Be that I deserve my shot. Besides, it’s a waste of everyone’s time. As I’ve been saying since the first day I stepped foot in a EWA ring, I am going to be the World Champion one day, likely sooner rather than later.

So my opportunity, an opportunity that I rightfully deserved, is gone, so what? One way or another, I’ll get back to where I was just last week and you can bet that I will not be denied twice. Don’t forget that I am THE Canadian Legend and The One and Only UBERstar and I take what I want and what I want and what I deserve is that title! So you see I’m not lost, I don’t need a guide to help me find my way! I’m still on my way from Point A to Point B; I’m just taking a little detour down south to Point C. But the end result will be the same; the destination is still on the horizon. I’m just charting a different course is all."

(The Boy pulls out a small canteen of water and takes a swig. He then motions to the landscape around him).

HELLINGS-
"Lewis and Clark got Americans excited about the possibilities of the west. It was a wild, untamed frontier and it was so promising it was almost intoxicating. The possibilities seemed endless; the country was vast and filled with prospects. In short, the people were thrilled to be part of this new opportunity. And I’m sure my opponents, Faith and Vanchiez, are no different; I’m sure those monkeys are so ecstatic that they get to be in a title match this week. Heck, I would be too! I mean, it’s not like they earned their spot, so how could you not help but be a little elated by the surprise opportunity? But I’m not quite so happy because I had to fight my way to the Number One Contendership, I had to prove I was worthy! What did they do? I think Shiru talked about fear a lot and something to do with his family and Rob made us all sit through the sickening soap opera that his life has become. Do I care about Sarah Manson? Do I care about Sweetheart? Does anyone care about Rob Faith? If you ask me the guy should be on Dr. Phil and not wasting my time. Yeah, that's all these guys do is bored us all. Clearly they're championship material, right?

What have I been doing lately, you ask? Well I was winning matches while hobbling about on a bad ankle, but that’s my own fault I suppose. What do I mean? Well, let’s face it, had I known that title shots are just handed out willy nilly around here; I wouldn’t have bothered putting forth effort. Why should I? What justification is there for trying? If Lewis and Clark had returned to Thomas Jefferson with all their knowledge, their writings, maps, and descriptions of new species and Jefferson had said, 'Thanks guys, appreciate it, but I’m gonna give Charles here, who DIDN’T go out on the expedition with you, some credit too,' you think they would have sit idly by? Not on your life! The world isn’t supposed to operate like that! How far have our standards fallen? Why must we celebrate inadequacy and punish the worthy? Is it overcompensation for one’s own shortcomings? Treating everyone as equals is communism folks, but we won the Cold War last time I checked. Well I’m not going to whine about it because that’s just not my style.

I just don’t think it’s fair and I want everyone to be aware of the improper treatment we superior beings are being forced to endure. Honestly, it’s like I’m being punished because I’m better than everyone else. That’s it too, isn’t it? They know no one can beat me so they’re doing their best to keep the title off me because once I get it no one will ever wear it again! After all, I am The Boy and that does mean I am The Best! So I guess I can’t say I blame you Adam Price. It is a business investment after all and I guess I have to respect that. Really though, you should have just handed me the title on a silver platter because I’m the only one who deserves it! But if they want me to go through the charade of a triple threat match, so be it. I don’t care who they put me up against, there’s only one way this is going to end. This is not like a DVD with alternate endings; the only possible outcome of this match is with me taking home the gold! I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it!"

(The Boy pauses and strums along on his guitar for a moment.)

HELLINGS-
"You know what I hate? I hate people who act as though they’re a lot better than they really are. You can call me cocky all you like, but I’ll be ready and willing to back up every single thing I say. Carnivore found that out last week. He underestimated me and it cost him. No, it’s not cockiness that I posses, it’s confidence. Heck, label me however you want because no matter what you want to call me, just make sure you acknowledge that I only speak the truth. No, it’s not cockiness, it’s not even prophecy, it’s cold, hard facts. Just because they haven’t happened yet doesn’t make them any less true. If I hypothesize that ball will a fall to the ground if it rolls off a table does it make any less true because it hasn’t actually happened yet? Of course not, we all know what is going to happen, thanks to our good buddy Isaac Newton. Essentially, we know what’s going to happen because there’s been precedent set many times over. And that’s really what I’m talking about here. Haven’t I proven myself yet? Cocky? Not really. Arrogant? Maybe. Great? Absolutely.

Rob Faith on the other hand, well...he needs someone to shut him up. He’s one of those kids who always tried to hang out with the cool kids in the vain hope that it would somehow make him look cooler by association. Well, it never works, does it Rob? You’re just pretending to be someone you’re not; you’re merely pretending to be much better than you really are. You are sub par at best, yet you’ve actually managed to convince these people that you’re far more important and far more skilled than you really are. You’re pathetic! Robby, get set for the toughest challenge you’ve ever faced. Face me in any normal situation is bad enough we all know that. Hey, they may call me The Boy, but there is no doubt that I am The Man! But this week you have to face me in a match with a title on the line.

I can sense gold within my grasp Rob, I can almost smell, I can taste it! You think you’re going to stop me from taking what is mine? Then, to make matters even worse, you’re also facing me in a week when I’m a little ticked off. I said I wasn’t going to complain about my lack of a World Title shot, but that doesn’t mean I’m not mad. Don’t think I won’t take it out on you Rob. If you’re lucky, you’ll manage to escape the pain and humiliation I can bestow upon you and it will be Shiru who takes the fall. If you’re lucky that is. I wouldn’t bet on it though, because I’m got my sights on you Robby. Why you? Like I said, I’m tired of people talking about Rob Faith like he's supposed to actually be somebody. It’s all a lie and I’ll prove it. After this week everyone is going to be asking, ‘Rob Who?’ because they’ll forget all about you.

Or at least they won’t admit to it. Have no fear though; my Red and White Ribbon Campaign can always look after you. You won’t be the first inept wannabe I’ll have destroyed and you won’t be the last, but it’s somehow always satisfying to know that I’ve purged the ring of another talentless soul for all my fans, all The Boy Scouts out there. Believe me Rob, when I'm done with you I can guarantee that you'll have all the time in the world to chase as many skirts as you want. If you want to go about cavorting with promiscuous and trashy women like Sarah Manson that's fine and all but I'll see to it that you won't be doing it on the EWA's dollar anymore. I've grown tired of you and your antics and I'm going to put an end to them at Turmoil...count on it!"

(The Boy pulls out a pair of sunglasses and puts them on, to protect himself from the glare of the midday sun.)

HELLINGS-
"Now Robby isn't the only one I have to deal with this week; I also have to face off against Shiru Vanchiez. Shiru is a lot like Rob, isn't he? He likes to remind us all about his past, his father's (making quotation marks with his fingers) 'legacy' and his annoying brother. Just like Rob, it's all very boring. I'm tired of hearing people go on and on about their persona lives as if it mattered or anyone cared. This is not drama, this is the real deal and none of that emotional garbage belongs in a wrestling ring. It won't help you, it will only hinder you. Do I care where Shiru came from? Do I care about his past? The only thing that matters to me is where he's going and, believe me, the only place he is going is down...in defeat. I don't care what he has to say about that either because it really won't matter. Oh, he can hearken back to his training, or mention words like "honour" and "pride" all he wants, but I'm not going to care one way or the other.

The wisdom he believes that he possesses is a joke. The skill he lauds is pathetic. The man has a chip on his shoulder, just as Rob, and that sort of thing can only end up being your undoing. Yes, the two of you have been relatively successful thus far, but you have to realize that each of you is being controlled by your emotions and, quite frankly, it's nothing but a weakness. There's a hole in your armour and I know it and will use it to my advantage. You can't let your emotions guide you in this business because it will prove to be your undoing. I've seen it many times before and I'm sure I'll see it many times more. Heck, it even happened to me once and it cost me. Just as it will cost both of you. How can you get ahead in this business when you're too worried about what other people will think of? I succeed because I recognized long ago that if I want to be on top I have to be prepared to do what it takes. No matter what.

Shiru, he seems to think he has some legacy to live up to. And Rob, he's too girl-crazy that his judgment is forever clouded by something as trivial as love. This is the beginning of the end boys and you're both about to fall quite hard. All the talent in the world in the world can't help the person who is vexed by their emotions. It will hold you back because it won't let you do what it takes. I don't have that problem and that's why I'm about to firmly entrench my status as The Marquee Player, The Franchise Saviour and The Number One Money Maker! This isn't a warning and it's not helpful advice either. If anything, it's me giving you both a helping hand. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right? So if you survive this week, you'll only be better persons because of it. And maybe then you'll realize the err of your ways and begin to see that allowing your emotions to get in the way is a costly mistake. One that will cost you the International Title."

(The Boy lies down, tipping his hat slightly to cover his eyes. He lies there for a moment before sitting back up, taking off his hat and the glasses to glare at the camera.)

HELLINGS-
"Lewis and Clark earned their spot in the history books and so will I. I'm going to show you two what a winner looks like and I'm going to prove to you that your are a slave to your emotions. I may have been on the path to Big Dave's title, but I won't whine about the change in course. I'm going to accept my fate and, unlike Rob Faith and Shiru Vanchiez, who choose to let other people's actions dictate their own, I'm going to do something about it. I'm still on the path to glory and legendary status, I just have to take a slight pit stop on the way. I don't need a map or a guide because I know where I'm going and I know how to get there. I will end up on top of this company because that is where I belong! That International Title will only add to my resume and it will be mine! Why? Because I want to, because I can!"

(The Boy picks up an oar and begins paddling towards the shore as the scene fades to black.)

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