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AMERICAN BLANDSTAND
Another roleplay, another use of bastardized song lyrics. What can I say? I'm good at them! This roleplay turned out okay and it has some good lines here or there, but the main selling point of this one really is the song. The concept of singing 'One is the Loneliest Number' in relation to the Number One Contendership match made sense, but I was struggling to come up with much else. I came up with the title of the roleplay before anything else actually and then I had to find a way to incorporate "bland" into things. Thus, I declare that I'm the only one worthy of being a champion because everyone else is too boring and has nothing to offer. I don't know, it works in a sense because you can only say you're the best so many times (especially to the same opponent), so it was interesting to try a different approach, I'm just not sure the execution was quite there. Still, the roleplay is decent, but far from perfect.
(Another one of Scott Hellings' promotional videos begins to air with the message "The Following is a Paid Advertisement for the Scott Hellings WorldWide Publicity Tour. The views expressed are not necessarily those of EWA, this station, or its affiliates." The video opens up with footage of Boy Scout troops doing various activities: attending meetings, earning badges, etc. Then, as per usual, the Narrator of these videos begins to talk.)
NARRATOR-
"In order to get ahead in life, one must be prepared. The Boy Scouts know this, as it is part of their famous motto. Preparedness is important, in all aspects of life."
(The scene then shows several professionals, from all fields and from all walks of life, at work.)
NARRATOR-
"Doctors need to be adequately prepared for surgery. Soldiers need to be prepared for combat. And emergency personnel, such as police and firefighters, need to be prepared for any situation they might face on the job. Yes, preparedness is an important facet of life for many people. But not every one"
(The scene then shows several clips of The Boy in action.)
NARRATOR-
"Scott Hellings was born ready. While other athletes need to practice for hours each and every day, Scott Hellings merely needs to show up and the odds are in his favour. Ironically, he names his fans after a group that needs to be prepared. Scott Hellings is too good for preparation though. Conversely, no amount of preparation can ever ready one of his opponents. Especially not Carnivore. He is not ready to face someone as perfect as Scott Hellings, nor will he ever be. There is no one, living or dead, that could ever be adequately prepared to take on someone like Scott Hellings. And there is no one that Scott Hellings needs to bother himself with practicing for. Carnivore needs all the practice he can get, but it still won't do any good. But Scott Hellings never has to practice, period. Some people weren't born great, there was just one."
(The scene shows a split screen of The Boy and Carnivore, almost appearing as if the two were staring at each other with intense hate, despite being two separate images.)
NARRATOR-
"Scott Hellings, a Superior Athlete in an Inferior World."
(The clips shows Scott Hellings, in a suit and standing in a EWA ring.)
HELLINGS-
"My name is Scott Hellings. And I approved this message."
(The clips fades to a black screen that reads "Paid for by The Scott Hellings WorldWide Publicity Tour and the Financial Support from Viewers Like You" as the scene finally comes to an end.)
*************************************************************************
(The scene opens up on an old stage, reminiscent of the one seen on the old "American Bandstand" TV show. The camera pans to reveal Scott "The Boy" Hellings walking on the stage with a guitar in his hand. He is dressed in a rather unusual fashion; wearing clothing, a wig, and a fake moustache in order to portray Chuck Negron, the former lead singer of the 60s band Three Dog Night. An obviously fake crowd is heard cheering, to which The Boy reacts with a slight salute and a crooked smile. He begins to play a bastardized version of the Three Dog Night hit, "One is the Loneliest Number," but with lyrics that he obviously wrote himself. Surprisingly, his singing voice is decent; he is consistent with the style of the original song, if not perhaps slightly off-key.)
HELLINGS-
"One is the loneliest number, but you'll never know
No one could be bad as you
That's why you'll always just be number two
Three is the saddest count that you will ever hear
And then you could go on and get out of here
Cause one is the loneliest number but you'll never know
And I'll be there to smile and say 'I told you so.'
You're just no good anymore so please go away
And spend your time looking at your prime of yesterday
One is the loneliest number
One is the loneliest number
One is the loneliest number but you'll never know
One is the loneliest, one is the loneliest
One is the loneliest number but you'll never know
You'll never know"
(The song comes to an end to uproarious applause from the "crowd." The Boy does a little bow, a smirk across his face. He clears his throat and begins to speak.)
HELLINGS-
"Now normally this would be where good old Dick Clark would come out and interview me. But I don't need that geezer pestering me because I can get by without him. Besides, I work alone. You know what though? If this show were still around its ratings would have just skyrocketed with me, The Nielsen's Favourite Son, making a special appearance. Too bad. Now that song was dedicated to someone very special. That song goes out to my good buddy Carnivore. In case you've been under a rock and haven't heard already, The Boy-that's me-is set to do battle with Mr. Carnivore at EWA Warfare, with the number one contendership to the Warfare Title on the line. Now, pretty much anyone, except maybe Ray Charles, could plainly see that I am going to win this match and go on and win the title! Carnivore doesn't seem so convinced. He thinks he has my number but, in case you didn't get the message in the song, there is only one number that matters to me and it is number one...as in the Number One Contender. Like the song says, you'll never know how lonely one really is Carnivore. You'll never know because you'll never experience what it is like to be the number one contender. At least not while I have anything to say about it that is.
And yes, it is lonely. It's mighty lonely at the top folks, because there's only room for one up there and that one is ME. It must also be pretty crowded down below there because, as always, everyone else is beneath me. I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it. So here I am up on top of the world, looking down on all the monkeys below me, while Carnivore will forever be looking up at me. His number is, at best, second. Hey, there's no shame in being the runner up! It's probably embarrassing never getting that past that point, but at least you got this far, right? There can only be ONE number one contender, so I guess I'm just gonna have to go ahead and procure that for myself. That makes you the odd man out Carnny. Like and old western, this town ain't big enough for the two of us. If there is but one person on Warfare that deserves that title shot, it's me. After all, I am The Boy and that does mean I am The Best!"
(The Boy takes off his wig and moustache).
HELLINGS-
"Don't worry though; I'm sure you'll find something to do with yourself. At first, I thought that losing to me would be so devastating that the mental anguish and humiliation would force you into early retirement, but now I believe you're too stupid for that. How do I know that? Because you still seem to think you can beat me! You seem to think you have a chance! Well let me fill you in on something buddy - that is not the case at all! Believe me, they may call me The Boy, but there is no doubt that I am The Man! So I know you'll show up and go through with this little charade, even though it's a given that I am going to win! Admit it; you know that too, don't you? But you're so stubborn, you're going to show up anyway, you're going to try your hardest and just as sure all that is true, so is the fact that you will fail! That's how I know you'll stick around long after I've destroyed you, long after I've chewed you up and spit you out! So, don't worry, I'm sure they'll find a spot for you somewhere. It damn sure won't be in the main event, but at least you'll have a job somewhere...I think. And, if not, my Red and White Ribbon Campaign will be more than happy to look after you. And who knows? Maybe one day, years from now, our paths will cross again Carnivore. Maybe you'll even be the number one contender to MY title. Of course, we all know who will win that match, but that's not my point. My point is this: you're not ready for this yet. Not even close. Maybe you will be some time in the future, but not today, not next week, not two months from now, not for a long time.
The difference is that I was BORN ready. All my fans, all The Boy Scouts, know that this is my time and there is nothing you can do to stop me. It is destiny Carnivore, pure and simple. I belong on top because sometimes, that's the just way life is. You're just like all those people that I hear whining about (making quotation marks with his fingers) 'the glass ceiling.' Well folks, if you haven't cracked the glass ceiling, it's a sure sign that you're just not good enough for the big time. Look, no matter what your mommy and daddy used to tell you, the simple fact is you don't learn how to be a winner Carnivore, it's something you either have or you don't. Practice does not make perfect, genetics does. And you don't have it, not by a long shot. I've said it before and I'll say it again, don't believe the malarkey they tell you; there's no debate over nature vs. nurture because nature always wins! I was bred to be a champion, I was destined to be a champion and the only thing in my way is you! And that is a very dangerous place to be right now."
(The Boy sits down on the edge of the stage for moment.)
HELLINGS-
"The thing is you're not just ready and you'll never be ready. But, even worse, is that the fans out there will never be prepared for you as a contender, much less a champion, either! You know why that is? You've got no personality; you've got nothing that makes you stand out. Don't believe the lies people have told you while you were growing up; you're not special Carnivore and you never will be. That's the thing about all this; I deserve to be the champ because of my natural, overwhelming god-given ability. But I'm also so much more than just plain skill. Sure, I can outwrestle anyone, anytime, anywhere! But I also happen to be quite good-looking, charismatic, popular, well-dressed - heck, I've got the whole package Carnivore! You look like your shipment of personality got lost in the mail. The fact is you're just too...cookie-cutter. There's nothing different about you, nothing that stands out and makes people notice you. Look at the bright side though - you're not the only one in that sinking ship. In fact, I'd say most people around here are in the same predicament. Honestly now, can you even tell the 3,247 divas we have on the collective EWA roster apart? Hmm...let's see, there's the bitchy one. No, that could be all of them. Uh, there's the slutty one. No that doesn't narrow it done either. Oh, there's the one that whines about not being accepted as a woman in a man's world, even though she's just making it all up for attention. No, dammit, that could be all of them again! See what I mean? It's a freakin' epidemic! As far as I'm concerned, you're just Generic Talentless Wrestler #321. You're bland, you're generic, you're just like all the rest. So, if nothing else, that is why I deserve this title. Thank your lucky stars you folks have me! You don't know how good you got it.
See, what I'm getting at is that all of EWA - Implosion and Warfare included - is crying out for a champion that the fans can easily rally behind, that will make The Suits happy, that will be an amazing ambassador for the company, and, perhaps most importantly, will make everyone a whole lot of cash. I think we all know who that person is by now, don't we? It is I, THE Canadian Legend and The One and Only UBERstar! Well, have no fear EWA, I'm on my way to claim my spot at the top as I become one step closer to the finish of my odyssey after I beat Carnivore. Then, I shall truly take my rightful spot atop the EWA throne, and all will know that I really am The Marquee Player, The Franchise Saviour, and The Number One Money Maker!"
(The Boy pauses and smiles to himself.)
HELLINGS-
"You know, I heard what Carnivore had to say about me. He wants me to act real impressed or something because he owns a strip joint. Oh, yeah, that's awesome man. Isn't that at the top of every high school guidance counsellor's list? Isn't that everyone's dream job? Surely, no one in society looks down upon a man with a strip club. Why, he' s a king among kings! Or, maybe, just maybe...he's an idiot. He thinks for one second that I am going to go wrestle at some pier or in some bar or whatever, well...he's out of his mind. I'm not going there. And, before you even say it, it's not because I'm scared. Far from it. It's just that such a huge star as myself prefers the lights and the glamour. I prefer something a bit more classy than a rundown bar Carnivore. I'm surprised that such a distinguished gentleman as yourself could even be found slumming it in such a location! No, Carnivore, just no. In case you haven't heard, I play by no one else's rules but my own. I don't do what you tell me too! I don't follow your orders blindly, nor do I allow myself to get tricked into doing things simply because you dared me to, or because you tried to intimidate me into it. I do what I want, when I want. I guess you were too busy with your lucrative strip club there to notice me saying exactly that the other day. Oh, and I don't know when you went to Canada, but there really aren't large dairy farms everywhere, but I hardly expect someone of your meagre intelligence to no better. I suppose you just said that to make your ridiculous little point that I'm milking my injury.
Have you even been paying attention? If I were milking it, I'd be sitting this week out, wouldn't I? I'd be saying, 'oh, woe is me! Why did this travesty ever have to happen?' But that's not the case, isn't it? Yes, my ankle hurts but, no, it's not going to stop me. I believe that was the point I was making earlier. But I suppose you were busy hanging out with lowly referees. If you're supposed to be so cool and so popular, than why are your only friends referees? That's just plain sad! Oh, and by the way, you are officially the 500th person to accuse me of being gay. Congrats. So don't go thinking that made you original in any way whatsoever. Of course it's not true, but I see no point debating that fact with you because, like I've been saying, you're simply not worth my time. And you know, that's not one of those things that gets any funnier over time. You know what it shows me? It shows me that, just as I expected, you're grasping for straws. You got nothing Carnivore. That's the best you can do? You can call me a boy and call me gay? Yeah, you and about sixty or so people before you. See? It's like I said, you're just the same, generic, uninteresting garbage that we've all been force fed a million times over. Why doesn't someone just stand up and say, 'been there, done that! Do something interesting!' Well, folks, you got me, so take comfort in that. And Carnivore? You can call me what you want for right now, but after Warfare you, and everyone else, will be calling me the number one contender. Believe it!"
(The Boy pauses to collect his thoughts, strumming on the guitar briefly before continuing with his rant.)
HELLINGS-
"You know I feel sorry for you Carnivore, really I do. I mean it's not fair that they're giving you false hope like this. It's cruel really; someone should call Amnesty International or something. (Thinks about it for a moment). Nah...maybe not. I mean, you try to call them and say 'hey, we got cruelty to Carnivore over here' and they'll just redirect your call to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Doesn't matter really because, believe it or not, there is someone out there worse off than you. There is someone who is at an even more disadvantageous position than yourself. That person is Big Dave. First, Dave has to defend his title against Precious inside Hell in a Cell. Now I feel confident that he can beat Precious, only because I know first-hand how pathetic she really is, but a match like that will still take its toll on you, believe me. To make matters worse, this is just weeks after the hellacious Double Ladder Mayhem. Some of us walked, err, limped out of the there worse off than others-remind me to pay you back for that Dave-but it was still an intense match. Truthfully, I'm not sure the old boy's body is gonna be able to last much longer. Sure, I know he has the Alliance backing him up, but I have a hunch that it won't just be a cakewalk, even if with his friends in high places and the ineptitude of Precious taken into consideration. That's problem one. The second problem? After he goes through all that he's got to face me sooner rather than later. Talk about being a martyr, a sacrificial lamb! The Alliance has hung poor Dave out to dry and all it is going to do is cost them. They want to keep that title in their possession? The first and worst mistake was giving me an opportunity to even become the number one contender. They should know by now I seize my opportunities and that there would be no way they could keep someone of my calibre out of the main event picture!
But, truth is, it really doesn't matter if he's had to face five guys ahead of me or fifty, it doesn't matter if he's at 10% or 110%, he'll still fall in defeat when he faces me! Let's face it Dave, you don't even deserve to wear that title. You're not a champion. And who wants a champion who relies on their buddies to bail them out? (Singing) 'Oh yeah Big Dave gets by with a little help from his friends.' Please! Unlike Dave, I can fight my own battles. You might not like me, you might not even respect me, but you have to admit that I make good on my promises. I get the job done Dave, so start panicking. I truly hope that you'll be ready for me Dave and I hope you bring your 'A' game. You see I want something that even remotely resembles a challenge. And I hope you're already drawing up the battles plans, I hope you're already getting the troops prepared, ready to have your little Alliance buddies do their best to stack the deck against me. It won't work of course, but at least you'll have tried. And, evidently, that's good enough for The Suits around here."
(The Boy sighs and shakes his head in disbelief. There is obviously something troubling him.)
HELLINGS-
"You know what was great about 1960s music? Protest songs. I have personally always loved them, since it helps me understand what it's like being someone who can't always get what they want or make things happen. Me, I'm too busy winning to protest too much and, besides, if I don't like how things are going down, I change it. Still, there's one thing that isn't sitting well with me lately...Precious gets a title shot this week. She gets her shot before me or before anyone else for that matter. You know, a word of advice Precious: I'm sure you'll dispute this and that it will raise you ire, but the truth is that if you keep getting unwarranted opportunities like this, people are going to start talking. Everyone will just naturally assume that you're sleeping your way to the top. Whether it's true or not, I don't know, but if I were you, I would watch myself. Could you blame people for thinking that way though? I mean, this is a woman who has been at the bottom of the EWA hierarchy for some time now, while someone like me is firmly entrenched in the upper echelon. Yet SHE gets an opportunity. Oh, I'm sure the Alliance doesn't see this as some sort of reward, but rather as a kind of punishment.
The fact remains that she does her get shot and we all know that anything can happen. Now, I hate to take a page out of Precious' book and sound like a broken record here, but that's not right at all. What's the point of earning your shot if some just magically get awarded one out of the blue like that? Shouldn't, theoretically, anyone who has beat her recently be considered a contender before she is? Hmm...lemme think. Who has beat Precious lately? Oh, wait a minute, that would be ME! You know what? I'll play the game and I'll go through the paces because I will do whatever it takes to get that gold around my waist. So if the stars are somehow misaligned and Precious actually manages to overcome the odds, to do the impossible and beat Big Dave this week at Warfare, well I guess that puts my focus on her. Do yourself a favour Precious - throw the match. I know that you don't really need to, because, well...you're awful, but do it anyway. A win here just means that I paint my bullseye on you instead and that means that I'm going to inevitably take you out...again. But you know what? You got some time to worry about that anyway."
(The Boy walks off to stage left, where he picks up his guitar case, and begins slowly packing his guitar away.)
HELLINGS-
"You would think by now that you people would understand; there's no stopping me. I don't care if it is Carnivore, Big Dave, Precious, I don't care if I'm on Warfare or Implosion, I don't care if it's in a box or with a fox...that bottom line is that I am a winner and I WILL become champion! I don't care who thinks they are standing in my way, I don't care what the experts believe, the undeniable truth is that I WILL win! Beating Phoenix last week was part one. This week is the sequel with Carnivore. Our final destination, to complete the trilogy, is either Big Dave or Precious - either way the outcome will be the same, with me wearing the gold around my waist, right where it belonged in the first place."
(The Boy turns and walks off-stage, but then reappears.)
HELLINGS-
"Carnivore, I don't care what you think, the fact is that you're not worthy of being champion. You just don't have what it takes. Neither does Precious and neither does Big Dave, so don't go thinking I'm picking on you. The only person around here worthy of wearing that title is me. Trust me, it will be better for everyone if I have the belt, because that will mean bigger paycheques for all. I understand you have your misguided pride though, so I'll be ready for you, just like I'm ready for everyone else. I won't have prepared of course, I'll just naturally be ready. That's how good I am. And just like everyone else, you too will lose. Mark my words, I WILL be champion! Why? Because I want to, because I can!"
(The Boy finally storms off stage, as the "crowd" once again applauds and the scene fades to black.)
  
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