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ewa: PRIME CUT


This one I really like. It was a little cliche making fun of Carnivore's name like that, but it was almost impossible not to note it at some point. At least I did something interesting with it and was "preparing his final meal" for him. There are so many great lines in here, aren't there? I know I managed to hit the limit for this match, but I truly think this roleplay was almost good enough to get me the win. There's a lot going on here, with me trash talking Carnivore, but also addressing Big Dave and Precious, as they were having a title match at the same show and it only made sense for me to address them both since I was to face the winner of that match. I pulled it all off pretty well. One of the rare (no pun intended) times I was truly satisfied with a roleplay. I still enjoy it.

(The scene opens up inside a butcher shop. As the camera pans across the counter it reveals none other than Scott "The Boy" Hellings, who is dressed in rather unconventional attire. He is wearing a hair net and a bloody apron. The Boy is sharpening some knives as he begins talking.)

HELLINGS-
"There's a saying in life that I'm quite fond of. It's 'eat, or be eaten.' You could call also call it 'putting your money where your mouth is,' 'put or shut up,' or a bunch of other colourful expressions. But it all comes down to the ideal that if you better be prepared to fight. Otherwise you'll be going home or, more likely, you'll be going to the hospital. No matter how you want to verbalize it, it's just good advice. Advice my opponent this week, The Carnivore, better heed or he will find his quest for the Warfare Title ending right here and now. Because he's going to need all the advice he can take, he's going to need all his good luck charms, he'll need to say some prayers to whatever higher being he wants to worship, he'll need whatever help he can get! If he could procure it, I'd suggest finding himself an army because that's really the only way he could possibly beat. Simply put, whatever he does to try and shift the odds in his favour, it will all be for naught.

All the sagely wisdom and four leaf clovers in the world can't save him now! He's up against me and there is no way he can possibly win! You got this far Bone, but this is your stop. My overwhelming talent is against you and so is destiny itself because, believe you me, I am destined to go on and win that title. I've been saying it since the moment I arrived here and very few took me seriously. Ric Thunder, Jessie Devlin, and Destiny could see the writing on the walls and they packed their bags and ran way with their tails between their legs. It doesn't even matter if any of them attempt to make a comeback because we all know that they are scared, so scared they to run home cryin' and there is no way any of them could ever dispute that! Listen, my momentum is building more and more and there is no way you, or anyone else, can stop it! I'm on my way to the Title, and all you'll end up being is a footnote on my path to glory. I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it!"

(The Boy starts wrapping up some pork chops.)

HELLINGS-
"I'll be honest though, you getting to this point is just plain scary. It's scary to think that someone as pathetic as you is better than everyone else. How DID you get here exactly? Oh well, it doesn't really matter anymore because you're not exactly in your element anymore, are you? You're just a fish out of water and you stick out like a sore thumb. Don't worry though, I'll do the responsible thing and put you out of your-and everyone else's-misery. Yes, I'm sorry to say it Carnivore, but the feeding frenzy is about to end. The problem you have is that you've just been thrown to the lions, ready for the slaughter. You're about to face the Top of the Food Chain, the King of the Jungle, better known as The Marquee Player, The Franchise Saviour and The Number One Money Maker, The Boy!

Now you got this far and I suppose some might argue that deserves some sort of credit. But the line ends here and the journey comes to an end. You don't deserve to go on to face Big Dave-or I suppose whoever the champion may be after Warfare-for the title. I deserve my opportunity, if not for my accomplishments, but at least for my natural, god-given talent. I'm like a predator, waiting to strike out at the weakest, most decrepit creature I can find. The problem is that everyone looks weak when compared to me. You may be better than everyone else here-although I doubt it-but it doesn't mean anything when you step into that ring with me. That ring is my natural habitat and I prey on anyone foolish enough to enter my world. It's not personal; it's just the natural order of things. You and rest of the monkeys around here just aren't as evolved as I am. If I were you, I'd be wary because my buddy Darwin is about to catch up to you; you've managed to escape the Only the Strong Survive motto for too long.

But now you're about to face the greatest challenge you'll ever come across and that challenge goes by the name of Scott Hellings. I don't need to hunt in packs because I'm strong enough and good enough to get by on my own. I'm the Lone Wolf and the one responsible for your mauling, your defeat and humiliation. Even on just one leg, I'm still twice the wrestler you'll ever be! Besides, have you ever seen what an animal does what it's cornered? It pounces and it fights for its life, teeth gnashing and claws flying in desperation. It's about running on pure adrenaline and instinct. Well I'll do just the same, because I know with my injury it's like I'm cornered. The only thing is I'm not worried about whether I'll come out on top or not because I've already skipped a few pages ahead and, much to no one's surprise, The Boy comes out on top.

What will you do about it Carnivore? What CAN you do about it? You're just a harmless little garter snake and I'm the King Cobra, you're the newborn and I'm the Alpha Male of the group. I will exterminate you without giving it a second thought because that's what I need to in order to get ahead. I'll get to hunt another day, but this is the end of the line for you. Like an animal I can sense your fear, I smell the blood in the water and I'm about to lash out. And I promise you that it will result in you skipping right by the endangered species right to your own extinction!"

(The Boy picks up a package of ground beef and inspects it for a moment. He smells it, his nose wrinkling in disgust, and tosses the expired meat into the trash.)

HELLINGS-
"Let me tell ya, eating something like that will definitely leave a bad taste in your mouth. Just like the taste you'll experience after our match at Warfare; it will taste just like defeat and no one likes the taste of that! From that point on, that taste will follow you wherever you go. I'll expose you for what your truly are - a bottom-tier wrestler of minimal ability. After our match, there's not going to be anyone cheering for you or lining up to watch one of your matches or buy some of your merchandise. No one likes a loser Carnivore. Right now, you're still pretty new around these parts. So no one's really sure what to make of you. 'Is he a winner?' they're all wondering. Well after Warfare, the answer will be a resounding 'NO.'

That's why I'm here Carnny; I'm here to pick you out something that would be suitable for your Last Meal. It won't be the last meal you'll ever eat, but it will surely be the last meal you'll ever have while being remotely successful. After Warfare, no one will want anything to do with you and, as a result, you'll likely be out of a job and you'll be so poor you won't be able to afford real food. Heck, in a couple of months from now you'll be lucky to find a half-eaten sandwich in a dumpster! That will be a gourmet meal for you! So I figured I've give you a little sendoff. Hey, I'm not heartless or anything. Carnivore deserves a break, he deserves a Last Meal and I figured I'd come here and find something to suit his taste. I hope you appreciate this Carnny. Because when I'm through with you everyone will realize that you're simply not imposing enough for as threatening a handle as Carnivore. I'll beat you so bad I'll knock you down a notch to (making quotation marks with his fingers) 'The Vegetarian.'

When I'm done with you all that will be left are scraps, the kind of scraps they label 'assorted meats' and make into a hotdog. Personally, I don't even think you're worth my time. But The Suits have decided that I gotta face you before I get my title shot. Truthfully, I deserve better. I am THE Canadian Legend and The One and Only UBERstar, but I guess you're the best guy they can throw at me. It doesn't make a difference to me who they put me up against because every time they set 'em up I just knock 'em back down. You'll be no different Carnivore. But I'm in a benevolent mood-it must truly be Christmas in July after all-because I'm going to be nice enough to pick you out a Last Meal. And, naturally, I'll make sure my Red and White Ribbon Campaign takes care of your needs after I've destroyed your career and self-esteem. I guess what I'm saying is, I hope you haven't got your heart set on becoming champion because to do that, you're going to have to get through me. And everyone out there knows that it just isn't in the cards. I'd say 'maybe next time,' but I'll so thoroughly and methodically pick you apart that there won't be a next time. I guarantee it."

(The Boy then picks up a couple of big T-bone steaks and puts them on the scale to determine their worth.)

HELLINGS-
"You know it used to be that people trusted in their butcher. The neighbourhood butcher was a trusted friend, a part of the community, but not anymore. People are content to buy their meat from a supermarket, effectively negating the need for such a business. Why go to a specialist when you get it slightly bit cheaper at a supermarket? Who doesn't like the processed garbage they mass-produce and ship to supermarkets? It's a shame really. Whatever happened to the good old days, huh? Apparently the world is going to hell in a hand basket, because everywhere you look, things are topsy-turvy and traditional values are being replaced by much more negligent ones. If you really prefer to settle for lower quality meat because it's slightly cheaper, than that's your own prerogative. Personally speaking, I only expect and demand perfection. After all, I am The Boy and that does mean I am The Best, so why settle for anything but the best? I know all my fans, all The Boy Scouts, out there demand the same level of achievement. We won't settle for the second-best anything, but others are much happier with their second runner-up lifestyle it seems.

Trust me, lowered expectations breeds inadequacy and you need to look no further than EWA itself for the perfect example of such a travesty. I mean, how did Precious get offered a chance at the title this week? Precious is the number one contender right now? How does that work? If memory serves, I beat her just a matter of weeks ago. And, if I'm not mistaken, she also lost to Carnivore this past week. Oh, I'm sure she'd argue that there were outside influences involved. But you know what? A winner gets the job done no matter the odds. And no matter how you slice it, no matter what sorry little excuse you want to come up with, the fact remains that you lost. It's plain and simple; you can't argue that fact! As if that wasn't bad enough, she also lost her tag titles at Squared Circle Mania. My math's a bit shaky, but I'm pretty sure that's three straight losses. Yeah, who else could POSSIBLY deserve a title shot? While I'm over here with a sore ankle, actually EARNING my spot, Precious is given one on a silver platter.

You know what? Precious sure as hell better stop flapping her gums about how women are seen as inferior in EWA. If I ever hear her try to play the gender card again, I swear I'll make it my mission to ensure that she'll never speak again. Sure, let's reward someone who is, at best, incompetent. See what I mean? It's just not right people. Why should Precious get her shot? Why do I have to earn mine? Where is the justice in that? You know what? It doesn't matter if I have to face Big Dave or if I have to face Precious for my title. Heck, I could take on both of them! No matter who the person is standing on the other side of that ring I am leaving with the championship. You can't stop me! Besides, I've already beat Precious once and I am know for a fact I can do it again. Big Dave is a small fish in a big pond and I know that, if it weren't for his little alliance buddies, he'd be nowhere. So, bring it on I say. Throw any opponent you want at me! I've beat the best and now I'm here to beat all the rest! And maybe once I've shown you all what a true champion looks like, what a winner looks like, maybe then you'll all start to raise the bar a little higher and develop much more adequate standards."

(The Boy begins slicing some ham.)

HELLINGS-
"You really have to be careful when you're eating meat. You'd hate for it to be unprepared because you could become really sick. Some people like things unprepared though. Just like I know the Alliance, and Big Dave in particular, is definitely not ready for me. They won't know what hit them. One second everything will be just great and the next moment Big Dave will be without his little title. And, don't kid yourself; Big Dave will beat Precious this week. I'm sure of it. I'm not giving Dave any credit or anything, I just think Precious is in quite the downward spiral and I don't think a Hell in a Cell match is the remedy to that situation. No, Big Dave will get the win this week, but he better start getting used to the idea of not having that title around his waist. I'm coming after him, it's inevitable, and there's nothing he can do about it. He can train all he wants but he'll never be prepared for me. Dave, they may call me The Boy, but there is no doubt that I am The Man! You'll learn that the hard way, sooner rather than later.

I know what you're all thinking too, so don't worry; I'm two steps ahead of everyone else. I know you're all sitting there thinking 'the Alliance has The Guardian in their back pocket! How can you possibly compete?' Let me tell you something folks - no one pushes me around. I don't care how much power the Alliance or their little cronies think they have, I'll never let anyone tell me what to do. I play by my own rules and if you think for one second that I'll let Guardian order me about then you have another thing comin'! You don't like it? Well do something about it. You can try, but it won't work. What are they going to do? Make me fight wave after wave of lackies? Not a problem! I can beat anyone they throw at me, even if there are fifty of them at once! People, remember that I am THE Canadian Legend and The One and Only UBERstar, and there is no one that can beat me! So what next? Are they going fire me? Go ahead, I dare you. Everyone around here knows that I'm the glue that holds this company together! You fire me and all of EWA will crumble before you and then where are you going to go to get your little power trip kicks in?

Besides, you fire me and I guarantee you that there are at least a dozen other promotions out there I could sign with the very next day. And, almost overnight, with me on their roster I would turn them into a national phenomenon! I am The Nielsen's Favourite Son so no matter where I go a national TV deal is a given, as is the natural soar in ratings that only I can deliver! You see? You don't scare me. None of you do! I'll take on the whole Alliance all by myself, bad leg and all, I don't care! Push me and I'll push you right back. Flex your power muscles all you want, but I guarantee that if you underestimate me that it will be the biggest mistake of your life!"

(The Boy picks up several bags, all filled with meat.)

HELLINGS-
"Look at that, a perfect meal fit for a true carnivore. Too bad it has to be his last. Make no mistake about it Carnivore - you won't win. You can't win. I don't care that I have a bad leg, I'll still beat you. I don't care who you are where you came from, how you got here...it doesn't matter! All that matters is that you're standing between me and my title. And that's a very dangerous place to be right now. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting with the baker and the candle stick maker."

(The Boy shrugs sheepishly).

HELLINGS-
"What can I say? I couldn't resist."

(The Boy turns and begins to walk out the front door, but pauses. He turns around one last time.)

HELLINGS-
"It's time you learned that in this world; it's kill or be killed. The hunter is about to become the hunted Mr. Bone. And I'm going to make sure that I trim the fat around here and get rid of yet another substandard superstar. You'll be no different than anyone else; there's no way you'll ever be able to beat me. I'll annihilate you and embarrass you and then I'll set my sights on Big Dave and MY title. I'm destined to become champion Carnivore, and you'll be just another stop on the path to success. I'm going to win. Why? Because I want to, because I can!"

(The Boy storms out the door, carrying all of his meat, as the scene fades to black.)

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