Changes a'comin
JANUARY 22, 2006- It’s time to revise.
I say this because I’ve found out, there are much easier ways to run a website. I don’t know why it took me a year to figure this out. But going through Microsoft Word’s HTML script editor really is a bad form of self-flagellation.
Also, I’m very busy growing a beard.
Not that growing a beard takes up a lot of
my time, but many other things do now. When I was in
Now, here in
Plus, I play for the worst hockey team in the world.
Well, ok, so we’re not that bad. We just aren’t that good. We lack offense, and our defense really isn’t that good either, which means, as the goalie tonight, I’m in for a real treat.
And then there’s MySpace, which is a whole ‘nother thing to discuss at a whole ‘nother time. Suffice to say, it’s a parasite on my free time that I can’t seem to shake.
All of that means this: I don’t have the kind of time to devote to my website that I used to. And every time I look at it, it looks clunkier and clunkier. There are links to things that I say I’m going to finish later, but really have no plans of ever finishing (The friends section, among other things). Also, The Mountain Ear hasn’t been updated since sometime last year. I think the banner may still be proclaiming a new May Edition.
Plus, despite the look of things, it takes a lot to put up a headline, find a picture to go with it, rejustify things, re-adjust things, make sure the tables are aligned, crop and compress the pictures, and so on, and so forth. I’m going to try to get something out every Sunday now, as opposed to once every once-in-a-while.
So, I’m in the process of fixing things up, which basically involves rounding everything up and putting it in its own little file, and organizing it so it’s easy to find. It’s not going to be easy, since there really is a lot of shit on here in random order.
Plus, I hate organizing.
Still, I’m hoping the end result will be something that is much easier to read and find and involves less work on my end. If it’s not, then I’ll just move everything to MySpace, which I can assure you, takes VERY little in the way of effort. That’s very reassuring, especially because the amount of work it takes to publish this website is most likely inversely proportional to the amount of enjoyment received from it. For those of you who really like it, thanks.
If not, go fly a kite.
Happy Sunday.
- J
For the rest of us...DECEMBER 22, 2005 - ...There is Festivus, a holiday that is, oddly enough, a form of life imitating art, which is, in this case, a Seinfeld episode.
Basically, Festivus (celebrated on December 23) goes like this: You get an aluminum pole instead of a tree. There is the Airing of Grievances, in which you tell the people you love and most care about how they've disappointed you over the last year. Then, you have the Festivus Dinner, consisting of comfort food like meatloaf. Then, there are the Feats of Strength. And finally, Festivus is not over until you pin the head of the household. There is a great explainer of this on Wikipedia, which is much more in-depth.
It sounds like a preposterous idea,
until you hear two things. One, Festivus is actually based on a real
set of events that the writer of the Seinfeld episode used to bring it to
the TV screen. Second, people actually celebrate Festivus.
There was even a company in Wisconsin that, no joke, manufactured
Festivus Poles and sold them for $38 a pop.
Festivus, if you read up on it (and you can, because, there are actually two books written on the subject), is actually kinda refreshing in a sense during the holiday season. The fictional George Costanza invented it as an alternative to the highly commercialized Christmas season. Instead of a gaudy tree, there is a bare aluminum pole. Instead of a giant meal with a fancy turkey and such, there's just regular food like meatloaf, or something in red sauce. Festivus appeals to me, because I hate, hate, hate going to the mall.
It's also non-denominational, which is a great concept in a year when the big holiday debate has been over what we should call the holiday season: Christmas, Holidays, Christmakkah, Kwanzmakas, Christmazaa or some other bastardized version that's thrown together with all of the wittiness of, say, Bennifer or TomKat. If you're wondering whether to tell people Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, you could always go for the third option, of happy Festivus. Also, I don't think you have to get anyone presents.
So, here's to a happy holiday for everybody who celebrates whatever it is you celebrate: Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Boxing Day. I'm heading home Friday for a short, but great Christmas holiday with my folks. My flight leaves tomorrow at 8 a.m., and maybe, just maybe, there'll be a place to park. Now that would be a Festivus miracle.
Festivus Links:
|Festivus on Wikipedia | Book: Festivus: The Holiday for the Rest of Us | Book: The Real Festivus | Printable Festivus Card |
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Also, new security rules went into effect Thursday, which allow your friendly TSA screeners to focus on the big picture of explosives and not knives. I listened to a radio interview this morning in which a regional TSA bureaucrat said, and I am not making this up, that the pilot is not to come out of the cockpit, even if some dude starts going on a stabbing spree with the scissors that he's recently been re-allowed to bring on the plane. So, that should put my mind at ease. At least the plane won't blow up. Have a Merry Christmas
everybody. |
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 War Reporting for Cowards: by
Chris AyresIf you've ever been duped into doing something you didn't want to do at work, and then didn't have the guts to tell your boss that you didn't want the assignment, congratulations. You're a girl in a party dress. You're also very likely to like this book. Click here for more on other books that I've read. About half of them suck. |
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Getting High in West
Virginia - October 24,
2005 |
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My name is
Jeremy - December 10, 2005 |
Goin'
home.
My Name is
Jeremy
DECEMBER 10, 2005 - Ok, I’ve decided that some people may not be getting a
Christmas card from me this year.
Actually, nobody's received a Christmas card from me over the last few years, because I don't really have a good system of address keeping. Some people have already received an email stating this.
My point being, I've now decided to send out Christmas cards based solely on the "My Name is Earl" System. It's a karma-devised way for me to figure out who gets a envelope full of holiday funkiness and love, and who doesn't.
For more on why I devised my system, read my Lame Rambling .
To learn about "My Name is Earl," click here. It's on NBC, so I can understand why you may not have seen it.
A skinny man in fat man's clothes
DECEMBER 7, 2005 - Yo, Schenk vs. United States be whack. That's
a phrase that would sound strange coming out of the mouth of someone like,
say, Xhibit. So, when I say this, it may seem a little on the odd
side as well: I'm busting a sag right now.
I mean, maybe it's more like sporting a sag.
In any event, it sounds weird, because that's one of two options that I now have when it comes to pants. The other option, of course, is to cinch 'em.
So I can be either a thug, or a dorkwad. Take your pick.
The problem is, I'm the biggest loser. I lost too much weight. Last time I checked, I weighed 158 pounds. When I got most of these jeans, I weighed about 170 or so, but I can't seem to put that weight back on. I lost most of it when I was training for the Charleston Distance Run back in August. Now, maybe I have a tapeworm. I don't know.
D
on't hate me.
Whatever it is, it's put quite the crimp on my wardrobe, because I have enough jeans already, and they're all clown sized on me now. I don't want to go buy new pants, because if I get them at my size now, I'm afraid that I'll put the weight back on eventually and then they'll be too small.
It's not that I want to get fat, but I actually feel good and look good at the weight that I'm at. I work out a few nights a week, and watch what I eat, and those two facts combine to mean, I don't weight a lot. I'm not on a diet, I'm just careful.
That being said, my clothes all look like the ones I wore when I was seven. The ones my mother told me I would grow into. Shirts don't look good on me anymore. They now tend to hang off of my shoulders. My pants scream "Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em."
So the next
time you see me, keep in mind that I'm not trying to bust a sag. I'm
just trying to keep my pants on.
The
daring young man on the flying TVs 
NOVEMBER 19, 2005 - Let's face it: I like being
behind the camera because, it's much easier that way. Plus, it's a
lot of fun to tell other people to do stuff. And, sometimes, when my
bosses aren't around, I get to tell other people that I'm the boss.
That being said, I'm not actually on TV, which means I can't use this line on women: "I'm on TV."
Last night, I told this girl, who is under the impression that I make a lot of money, that I was a producer.
She replied that she didn't know what that was. That's common.
"Oh," I said, "I'm a TV producer." She smiled. "Oh, you mean like porn?" Hardy har har.
"Seriously," she said, "'cause that's gross. I mean, not that porn is gross, but the people who make it are gross." Ah, so I've gone from cute to gross before I can get a word in edgewise.
My point being, it's kinda fun having a job that's
hard to explain, becuase it creates this little mysterious aura about
me. Or maybe everybody just thinks I'm a smut
peddler. Either way, I sound like I'm rich.
News... for Dummies.
NOVEMBER 17,
2005 - Transcending the rules of grammar and proper capitalization,
here's the announcement for a new TV news
program:
Yes, you heard
right....WHCP-TV is adding the News at 6pm and 10pm.
Having the News has been a
long time coming. And we are excited to be YOUR new source for YOUR
regional News!
Remember
the Famous quote "If you always do what you've always done, then you'll
always get what you always got!" Don't be that way! Make your change by
tuning in Monday, November 7, 2005, at 6pm and 10pm to watch this
monumental event in our Tri-State Area! Tom McGee and Leigh Ann Woodbury
are your new Faces for the News and they are excited to serve
you!
Oh, but that's not all. Read my thoughts after watching their first newscast. Click here to see WHCP's website.
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| 4863' of fun, baby: I stand next to the sign showing that at that particular moment, I'm higher than anyone else in West Virginia. And I don't even have to worry about anyone NARCing on my stash. More on Day One of the trip. |
Getting high in West Virginia
At 4863 feet, Spruce Knob is West Virginia's highest point. It's not really a summit per se, rather a somewhat wide mountaintop that gradually reaches a high point.
It's also accessible by car, which is a little anti
climactic. After all, it's a little strange to backpack for two days
across the wilderness, only to have your ultimate goal to be... a parking
lot. Still, it's pretty cool to have climbed, technically, a
mountain. Click here for more on the trip, starting on Day
one.
Mike Waterhouse Unleashed Upon Unsuspecting City
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| Who really uses the river, anyway: Mike illustrates where his new Breaking News Waterway will go. Click right here to see a larger version of this picture. |
OCTOBER 17, 2005 - I'd like to extend my congratulations to Mike Waterhouse, and at the same time, extend my condolences to the City of Charleston.
If you didn't already know, Mike successfully lobbied the Streets Committee of Charleston City Council to change around its traffic pattern on Virginia Street to best accomodate... him. Basically, Mike and the rest of the WSAZ Charleston were no longer able to cut through what used to be the Elk River Town Center Inn to get to work. Going up to Clendenin Street took too long, because that light was frequently red, and the people in front of him were going straight, not turning right.
And, you just can't wait that long when news is breaking, yo.
So,
Mike designed a flow chart, complete with the reasons why it made sense to
change the right lane into a turn-only lane. He then took his
diagram to the Streets Committee and the City Engineer. The engineer
hated it. The Committee, being a parlimentary group, saw it Mike's
way and recommended his Mike-friendly design to the full council, where
it's expected to pass.
Danny Jones: From
the neck up, he's smiling. From the neck down, he's pissing
his pants in sheer terror.
My worry is this: We that work with Mike understand that he likes flow charts and parlimentary procedure and color-coded levels of things and so on. My genuine fear is that someday, stop lights in Charleston won't be just red, yellow and green, they'll be red, orange, orange-yellow, burnt siena, yellow, aquamarine, fuscia, mauve, and then green, which will flash to let you know that somebody, somewhere, has pushed a button. And you'll have to read a manual that will tell you when you're allowed to do such things as making a right turn on mauve.
Be forwarned, Charleston. Before you know it, you'll have things like barcoded loading zone permit checkers and solar-powered chicken-nugget dispensers on every corner, and every citizen will need to have read the Complete Multi-Tiered Parking Space Request Form Playbook, because the Abridged Multi-Tiered Parking Space Request Form is for slackers, yo.
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And let's try not to imagine what the NPPA Anti-Aircraft Battery would do. Chopper 13 would never stand a chance.
So, good luck, Charleston. When you're enjoying your new right turn-only lane on Virginia Street, take a deep breath and just remember: this is only the beginning.
Extra! Extra!
OCTOBER
10, 2005 - I've based my news career on well timed appearancesin the
background of newsroom camera shots. Just as the reporter is
wrapping up the story, I'm in the background, shuffling papers, taking a
sip of coffee or calling someone. I assure you, it's not
random. I time these things out with surgeon-like
precision.
Now, I'm going to try and do the same thing, except this time it'll be in the background of a Will Ferrell movie. See, I sent in my age, height, weight and recent picture to the local casting company after they sent out the call for extras. Will is in Charlotte filming a comedy about NASCAR, and I'm hoping that I'll be the out-of-focus set filler that they've been looking for.
Anyhow, they're filming now around town and will be throughout the fall, so we'll see what happens.
Not that there's anything wrong with
Charlotte...SEPTEMBER 25, 2005 - Sometimes we all need a check on our manhood, and that check doesn’t always come with tailgating at a football game or swilling beer or kicking somebody’s ass.
Friday, that check
came when I sat down at a table with four men who weren’t into football,
beer and ass-kicking, and I was ok with it.
(Among people whom I know who were running)
SEPTEMBER 4, 2005 - Today, my pride and vanity are doing just fine, My knees are a different story.
I finished 213th in the 33rd annual Charleston Distance Run (ARTICLE | RESULTS) with a time of 2:01:32. In other words, I was hauling ass. I was movin' man, truckin' with the best of 'em, fuckin' em up and taking names.
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Ok, yes it's true, the winner of race
came in a good 45 minutes before I did. But he's from Kenya.
Let's not compare apples to oranges here. 
People sleepwalk at a
5:07 per mile pace in Kenya.
I also didn't beat Senate Minority Leader Vic Sprouse. He passed me at mile 12. I had him in my sights, and couldn't catch him. Because he beat me, I'll refrain from any jokes. But you can go ahead and make your own (Here's a start: Vic was running from Margaret Workman, etc.).
I did beat my boss, Joggy McNipplebleeder, otherwise known as Scott Saxton. He ran a very strong and respectable 2:14:38, which is a great time. For losers.
Ok, seriously, Scott did get me into this, for which I thank him, because I didn't think I was capable of running 15 miles in the first place, and we've been talking about running for the last three weeks, which is a trememdous motivator. So really, thanks.
Now, I've got my sights set on the Asheville Half-Marathon, set for September 17th in beautiful Asheville, NC. If my knees don't fall off, we'll see what I can do. -J
