Isn't it great that we're on TV?

Nov. 17, 2005 - My shit detector is working just fine.  Thanks for asking. I know this because Mike Waterhouse sent me a clip of the first new newscast from the WB station in Charleston, and right away, something went off inside me. And that something said, “You are watching shit.” I’ve only been in the TV biz for a handful of years, but I recognize shit when I see it.  The new 6 p.m. newscast features Tom McGee, West Virginia’s version of Ron Burgundy, along with some other girl who’s been awkwardly paired with him.  And they just can’t stop telling each other how great it is to be here, on TV, anchoring the brand new WB news. And their message seems to be this: You’re watching the news.  On the WB.  And I’m on TV, telling it to you.  And man, you’re impressed, aren’t you?  We have cameras and everything.   One reporter told us that, gosh, did ‘ya know meth labs are a problem?  Today, police told us that, yes, meth labs are a problem.  The sports guy told us, as if he was peeling back the petals of the flower that represents the beautiful story he’s about to reveal, that when Nitro plays this weekend, they won’t be playing at home. Wink! It’s all done with the production values of, say, my high school’s morning announcements.  “Hey!  Thanks for that story Susan!  Now let’s go to Scott with the lunch menu.  And don’t forget about the dance on Friday.  And here’s sports.” And the whole time, they tell us to keep watching, because, according to them, they’re really good. I just can’t get over the fact that their news product is like that one really fat girl from The Jerry Springer Show; the one that weighs about 250 points and wears the leopard print dress that barely covers her bulbous ass.  At some point, she inevitably starts getting booed by the audience, but just can’t stop saying, “Y’all are just jealous!” Despite what you’ve heard, TV is easy.  Incredibly easy.  It used to be that TV was hard, because TV cameras were these big huge clunky things with rotary lenses and so forth.  Now, even Junior down at the trailer park has a camcorder.  And probably his own public access show to boot. The hard part, I’m realizing more and more, is doing the kind of TV that will actually save the TV business.  And that means stepping outside of the formula to do something that’s totally different.  I mean, think of the best shit you’ve ever seen on television.  It’s the kind of stuff that makes you wonder if the people who did it, are allowed to do that on TV. Instead, we tend to get a lot of stuff like the new WB, which has a seemingly nice set, and looks like every other set I’ve ever seen before.  It also has reporters who really strive to look like every other reporter I’ve ever seen before, and a newscast that’s totally self involved in the process of telling you about the news, instead of actually telling you the news. There’s a point where Tom gets out from behind the desk, and shows off his new digs.  He points out the control room, which looks like something the dude across the hall from me in college rigged up, so we could play Nintendo 64 on, like, five screens.  Across the way is the newsroom, where, he points out, the reporters have cubicles.  That, you know, really creates intrigue about the news business, because we should all be lucky enough to have cubicles, for Christ’s sake. Ok, maybe I’m being a little harsh.  That’s what I thought, at least, until Tom turned the corner, and, omigosh, it’s the investors!  And all in one room! It’s all planned with the canned spontaneity of a laugh track.  “Hey, what’s around the corner.  Gee whiz!  I t’s Mark Hunt and Margaret Workman!  What a surprise!” And then, on live television, on the brand new WB news, Tom McGee told everybody in the room to feel free to get something to eat. And I’m supposed to be impressed by that?  I mean, I can't have any of their food. Look, folks, TV isn’t cool anymore just because it’s TV.  It’s cool when it’s bold, or engaging, or emotional, or something inventive or innovative.  I went back recently and looked at my old sportscasts that I did in college and realized that, as awesome as I thought I was then, now I know that I was telling people stuff that they already knew.  Did you know the Indians play tonight?  How about the Reds?  Did you know they play tonight?  The Bobcats won.  Do you know that when they score more points, they tend to win? I just assumed people would watch my sportscast because I was doing it.  Now I know better.  I know that every day, I don’t always rise above the ether.  I know that I’m not always breaking new ground.  I’m not claiming that the station where I work is any better than anyone else’s.  We’ve all got our share of problems in this business, and as soon as I realized that, I realized that doing a newscast is easy, but that doing a great newscast is incredibly hard. In other words, when you're no longer impressed by the fact that people say they recognize you on TV, you're much better off. Apparently there are a lot of people who don’t get that.  They’re like this dude that used to live on my floor in college, who used to call us all pussies because he was getting laid all the time and we weren’t.  And then we saw the nasty factory-second girls he was having sex with, and pointed out the fact that his harem of women resembled a herd of water buffalo, and his response was always “Dude, at least I’m gettin’ some.” Dude, WB, we know you’re gettin’ some, but don’t expect us to be impressed by it.