Poison Ivy, You Suck Donkey Balls

May 17, 2005:  Picking at it only makes it worse. I already know this, but now that this bullshit lumpy mass of itchy stupidness has shown up on my leg, I've gone absolutely out of my fucking mind. I apparently got it by being responsible, which is the ultimate damn irony.  I had a little too much to drink Saturday night, so rather than drive home, I just walked.  A mile and a half.  And at some point during that walk, I took quite a tumble over the side of the levee on Kanawha Boulevard here in Charleston, and ended up in a heap in the bottom.  I skinned my right knee. Not to be outdone, two days later, my left leg fucking explodes with poison ivy.  Not just regular poison ivy mind you, but some kind of super-genetically engineered Amazon Jungle shit that not just makes you itch, but makes you feel like you've been holding a hot plate to your leg for TEN FUCKING HOURS. Apparently, my poison ivy doesn't like to be cooped up, because every day I wear pants, that shit just keeps getting worse.  Tonight I went to Rite Aid, bought some spray, and let that bastard have it.  Hard.  Like Pulp Fiction Gimp hard.  Tupac hard.  Getting between Louie Anderson and food hard.  Now it's just kinda cooled off, and only itches a little.  But that poison ivy fucker had it coming. Don't laugh.  It is not funny.  This shit really sucks. I'd understand if I'd been out rolling around in the woods.  Or even just walking around in the woods.  I played golf Sunday and never went near the damn weeds.  I shot a 98.  All my balls went into the damn water, not in the woods. I also got a parking ticket this morning.  I blame poison ivy for that.  That slimy bitch probably called the cops on me. Hey, wanna hang out sometime?  Oh wait a minute, you're afraid of that lumpy shit on my leg huh?  Well I'm sure it'll go away soon.  It looks really bad though?  I should go see a doctor?  You just remembered you had to be somewhere?  No... sorry... wait, don't leave... You suck, poison ivy.  See what you made me do?   She was hot, and you fucked it up! Ok, now my leg is starting to get sticky from the spray.  And it kind of smells.  And the bottle says to keep it away from any kind of open flame.  And it's cold in here too.  And the candle would make it warmer, not to mention take care of the smell.  But no, Irritant McItchyshit here says one light of a match and I barbeque my leg.   Fuckin' figures. Poison ivy, if somehow you could materialize into some sort of sentient form that could walk and talk and speak, swear to God, I'd punch you right in the mouth.  That's how much I hate you right now. Ok, ok, gotta calm down now.  Gotta get my composure back.  Easy now.  Easy.  I'm ok.  Everything's alright.  Wait a minute, my arm itches a little.  Huh.  Looks a little red... Oh, it's on now, poison ivy.  It's on.