Invitation to Meeting
Invitation to Meeting
This Mass Challenge meeting was held on June 9, 2001 at Max's Allegheny Tavern. The Rascals were identify a mascot for Lair No. 1.
In order of presentation:
1. Balistidae ellioti, the trigger fish, which was mutated into the stone fish. Bob Edmunds brought in a remarkably stone-like corpse of his selection, which lies on the ocean bottom preparing to ambush his prey with poisonous dorsal spines. The key phrase of his presentation was "with a small prick in your hand, and high".
2. Didelphius marsupialis, the common Virginia opossum. Dan Morrison (in absentia) argued that this frequent road-kill was the appropriate symbol of our brotherhood. Perhaps because his reasons were too many and too uncomfortably true: this offering received few, if any, votes.
3. The Claw-footed Jackalope, which lacks a Latin designation, just as Latin lacks a W for Lee Wolfson’s name. Lee gave us an illustrated and, by turns, amusing and tragic look at his nationwide quest (in the Oscar-Meyer Wienermobile) for the proper mascot. He eschewed a diving swine for this superior creature, and suggested Jackalope recipes that might provide proper Lair nutrition.
4. Mylodon, the Giant Ground Sloth. Ron DiOrio began by decrying the difficulty of determining the proper initials with a name like his, and settled therefore on M (for "Me") and hence chose this massive megatherium. He gave a well-reasoned Paperpoint presentation enumerating the top ten reasons in favor of choosing the giant ground sloth. Importantly he argued that it was named after a Rascal virtue, but the key reason (which he proved by a trophy of his pursuit of Sabrina Ferelli)(or, rather, hers of him) offered was "Attracts women. Many women have said they ‘love a man who has a giant sloth.’" A Patagonian connection also buttressed an impressive argument.
5. Macropinna microstoma, the spookfish. Mark Miller channeled the entire species in its noble, yet risky attempt to rise from the cold, unrascally depths of the sea, where they are made unhappy by all of our radio and satellite transmissions. He movingly sang their anthem, which they seem to have rewritten from Bob Dylan’s "Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right." They knew everything there was to know, but unfortunately the information was lost with them as they burst in the rarefied air of a Rascal Meeting held above sea level. Their sacrifice garnered several votes.
6. Veratrum negrum, the Black Hellebore. A remarkable member of this species of poisonous plant showed up with a Vic Norman puppet, with which he (or, one should say, it) proceeded to do a fine job of ventriloquism, trying to convince us to accept a poisonous shrub into our number by playing on our respect for the real Vic Norman. It was a clever display, but the hellebore’s mouth moved at times, weakening the effect. Still, its argument that its pungent odor (which resembled rotting fruit) and its constant desire "to just be planted somewhere, not moving, taking in the sun" made it one of us was rather compelling.
7. Coris gaimardi, the wrasse fish. Charlei George held forth in favor of this denizen of coral reefs, who would have made a colorful mascot. His arguments were strong, but the really powerful part of his presentation was the Wrasse School Quartet, which chorused "The Interesting Thing" to magical, one might even say electric, choreography. This quartet clearly qualified as the most industrious of the presentations, and put the common Billy Bass to everlasting shame.
8. Diadumene leucolena, the white sea anemone. Dennis Looney, fresh from a trip to New York City, in fact just off the plane, applied his classical scholarship to the problem, attempting to lure us into the arms of La Belle Dame Sans Merci, in the form of Aphrodite - which he connected to his creature through interesting, if slightly faulty, etymology. He threw in imagery of bursting condoms and Uranus’s severed member, but the group found this imagery (while provocative) somewhat unnerving. The Lair was edified and charmed, yet chilled.
9. NOT a Hamster! This was the theme and battle-cry of Woody Cunningham, who urged us to take a strong, yet negative stand, in re the hamster as mascot. His reasons must, by sworn pact, be kept secret. Though this presentation did not win, the argument prevailed, and our mascot is indeed, not the hamster. But do not ask us why.
10. Tarbosaurus efremovi, a relative of Tyrannosaurus rex. Last, but still least, Tim Esaias made a poetic presentation entitled "I Sing of Teeth and the Mascot" in a vain attempt to turn the Lair toward a massive, meat-eating, yet somewhat extinct candidate. He read "Stopping by Max’s on a Rascal Evening", "Four Clerihews on Those I Did Not Choose" and "Why the Megaphone was Late" to a dumbstruck, disbelieving audience. Woody Cunningham did his best to rescue the floundering Esaias by leading the group in a rousing rendition of "The Last ‘Osaur" but the whole Mass Challenge ground to an abrupt halt with this unpromising episode.
There was some spread in the voting, but Ron DiOrio won the Landgraf Prize handily with his defense of Mylodon. He will be buying drinks for Charlei George, who won a squeaker over Mark Miller for the McGeoy Bitter Cup. The Wrasse School Quartet have been booked for the Ball, as has Mark’s channeling guitar. Mylodon awaits discovery or cloning, but is the Mascot of Lair Number One!!
Among those present at this meeting were:
Meetings of Lair No. 1
Ephorate Home
John McGeoy
Bob Edmunds
Vic Norman
Dennis Looney
The Stonefish
Tim Esaias
Mark Miller
Woody Cunningham
Ron DiOrio
Patagonian Sloth