03.19.05

Well, it's official: due to market pressure, the World Wide Will hiatus/luxury cruise/kidnapping by angry indigenous peoples/back-breaking slave labor/daring escape/playing lots of Age2 in order to recuperate.......is over.

Yes, my audience has spoken. And from an economic standpoint this is just what I should have expected. My audience is predominantly composed of students, and as the amount of work one actually needs to do within a semester rises, one's need for clever ways to divert oneself from that same work rises even more. As demand has risen, so must my production. (This is much like the way real economics works, only without money being involved at any point.)

Without further ado, then: the NewsBlast, a new feature destined to topple CNBC News from the #10 spot, and coming soon.....updates to the music pages as well. There - I've created a diversion.

03.15.05

In our neverending quest to track down high-quality reading material and present it for your browsing pleasure regardless of copyright laws, we have picked up a fascinating article from an old issue of Child-Rearing Monthly. This piece should at last bring closure to the perplexing issue American parents often refer to as the Santa Claus Conundrum. Whether you're an experienced parent, a new parent, or a creepy guy in a van, your dealings with children will surely improve with the guidance of Dr. Stewart Dimmingford, who writes the popular "Hark, Parents!" column for a nationwide audience. Allow us to stress that this article was selected because of its excellence, and not at all because staff writer Tim Lackworth failed to produce any material for the seventh straight week. Do yourself a favor and click here.

 01.24.05

Fearing that fans of the Falcons and Steelers already predisposed to hard drink could be forced to stomach-pumping depths of despair by my continual neglect of this website, I have once again slapped up some new pages. I am happy to announce the creation of Parody Central, a new page that links to all of the brilliant parodies this page has been home to over the years - erm, year. I am also pleased to present the first parody written by staff, a new take on a recent Daniel Bedingfield hit. As Bedingfield insists on synthing his voice miles higher than his gender should reasonably allow, I suppose it's fitting that the new version of the song is sung by a woman. Enjoy.

 01.12.05

Ah, Billy Joel. He's known as one of America's most beloved writers of heart-pleasing love ballads. So when he whips out his pen and dashes off a raw, bitter, cynical piece set to a gentle, lilting piano melody, it's enough to make you scream all the way out of the grocery store, office building, or elevator you hear it in. But never fear! You can remedy your shock and discombobulation with this brilliant parody.  

 11.01.04

Well, it's that time of year again....time to head down to the grocery store and buy up all the discount, leftover Halloween candy. Also, there's voting. Let me say first that if you get your political news from the Daily Show, or worse yet, a series of blogs, please don't bother voting, as you will only make choices that will embarrass you later in life. Let me also say that if you do plan to vote, you should read this article, my foray into the exciting field of over-extended metaphor, and horses. Click here to drown in symbolism.

 10.11.04

In the latest Presidential debate, candidate John Kerry roundly criticized Bush for the song "Glycerine", released in 1994. Unswayed by the President's "Wrong Bush" defense, Kerry claimed that the four-minute piece was "the wrong song at the wrong time, and also there are no drums." I have since confirmed the senator's claims, and now I join the Kerry campaign in demanding that the current administration accept responsibility for the impact of its song-writing policies on the American grunge-rock enthusiasts whose heads it was sworn to keep banging. Unlike most "activists", however, I also did something about the problem and rewrote the lyrics. If you don't yet have a favorite song about mouthwash, click here.

 09.18.04

For those of you have been waiting in agonizing suspense, we are pleased to announce that at long last all badgers have been removed from the 3rd floor washroom. In the aftermath of this victory, our self-congratulatory frenzy reached the point at which we decided that excellent people like ourselves should be better known, and therefore a page encouraging our readers to meet the staff was in order. A subsequent cruel decision by management reduced this noble enterprise to one man's exercise in hogging the spotlight. Pick through the bitter ruins of our staff writers' hopes for recognition here.   

 09.03.04

New free music, new Band of the Undisclosed Time Period. We certainly wish we had the time to whip you all up into the frenzied enthusiasm we feel whenever we think of these bands, but due to recent budget cuts/layoffs/picketing/personal injury/badgers in the 3rd floor washroom, the staff of the World Wide Will is not at the top of its demagogical game. Perhaps next week will be jollier, however, as we have it scheduled for turning to drink. Until then, good day.  

 08.24.04

I know what you're all thinking...two updates in two days??? The World Wide Will staff must be taking heroin!!! What you fail to take into account is that no member of our staff could possibly afford heroin, or for that matter, proper shoes. We actually have kept this new page as a side project for some time, and are proud to finally release it for public consumption. The new page is meant to help you navigate the bewildering maze of free software strewn around the Internet by careless Internet hippies. It is also available on the other side of the page, but I know my hapless public. Click here and be done with it.

 08.23.04

Although we here at the World Wide Will enjoy poking fun at filmmaker Michael Moore as much as anyone (ok, probably more than anyone), after viewing his latest work, titled Fahrenheit 9-11, we had to admit he deserves special recognition for his accomplishments. Read on to discover how Moore won the elusive Golden Doughnut Hole award, an honor enhanced by the fact that he inspired the creation of the award itself.

 08.06.04

Satan, the Prince of Darkness, announced his retirement today from the upper crust of Hell. No one from our staff was allowed to attend the conference, but we did manage, after our usual hard-scrapping manner, to pick up the re-broadcast on Al-Jazeera. Discover the surprising reason behind Satan's early retirement right here.

 07.21.04

The Evolution page (which is actually 6 or 7 pages) is finally up! I can now state with pride that this page contains hardly any links to pages that don't exist. So check it out. Learn something! It shouldn't matter if this page is educational or not. That's just the problem with you kids, everything has to be entertaining! You'd all be going to hell in a handbasket, if any of you had the initiative to climb in the handbasket to begin with! Get a job!

.....Ok, I'm done. Go. Read the new pages. I suppose now you want a link right here. Like it's too hard to click the one on the other side of the page. Typical.

 07.14.04

What most of you know is that Fred Durst and all the other lame members of Limp Bizkit should probably not have pursued music careers, but you may not know that after his success in helping the New Republic defeat the Empire, pilot Han Solo decided to pursue a music career himself. Despite your best attempts to only listen to music that is...well, good - many of you have had the song "Nookie" inflicted on you at one time or another. Han Solo has truly done us all a service by writing entirely new lyrics for it, detailing his adventures in the original Star Wars movie (A New Hope). The song is "Wookie". The lyrics are this way. Kids, another PG-13 for this page, which is another thing that can be blamed on Fred Durst and his miserable lyric-writing. Nonetheless, enjoy!

 07.06.04

This article, as compared to most of the content on this site, has very little in the way of a point. But it does attempt to help people understand their fellow humans. Oh, and there's a lot about roaches. Enjoy!

 06.27.04

Although I had to call around to each of the five houses he bought with his wife’s money, I finally landed an exclusive interview with candidate John Kerry. Kids, be forewarned that due to the candidate’s tendency to let fly with a profanity or five, this interview has a PG-13 rating, which should ensure that it immediately becomes the most popular part of my site for visitors under the age of 13. But I jest, parents! Full text here, censored version here.

 06.26.04

After a year and a half of distressing silence, I have once again decided to take up my keyboard, set it back down again and update this website. Why? Because nothing sparks the old creative juices like getting an email from Yahoo that says they’re about to take my website away. But actually, the old page was starting to be an embarrassment, just hanging around, never getting updated. Also, it was built on a crappy free template that Yahoo gave me. The moral of the story is that you shouldn’t bother being insecure about web design, because you cannot possibly do worse than whoever designed all the free templates over there. Anyway, enjoy the new look and the new stuff. If you have heckling you simply must do, understand that I will probably never post an email address here. But you can probably tell me in person, because I’m likely to be hanging over your shoulder right now, babbling and pointing and picking excitedly at the tape holding my eyeglasses together. So have fun, and take time to ask yourself: do juices ever get sparked really?