HARK, PARENTS!
with Dr. Stewart Dimmingford, P.D.A., M.S.N.
Happy holidays, parents! I ho-ho-hope your season is going well. The subject of today's discussion is a figure already near and dear to your heart, unless you're stupid. I'm speaking, of course, about Santa Claus.
Santa Claus is perhaps America's most controversial holiday icon, having come under fire by many for ruining the true meaning of Christmas, encouraging obesity as a natural part of a jolly lifestyle, and having the exact same letters in his first name as Satan. However, to all such detractors I say this: Shoe's untied! Then when they look down, I kick them in the chin. Unfortunately, due to certain physical limitations this only works on persons under five feet high; it is owing to this that I have acquired an unfair reputation for hostility and potential abuse toward Santa-detracting children. Therefore, as part of my campaign to bolster support for Santa across all age ranges, I will attempt to use the power of words in addition to my Heels of Justice to point out just how indispensable Mr. Claus is to the American way of life.
First of all, let me make it clear that when we talk about Santa Claus and the Christmas experience, we're talking about children. Christmas as a holiday is for everyone, of course; even lawyers and telemarketers and IRS employees. But Santa Claus is left behind with the passing of childhood, so we'll be discussing specifically the many benefits Santa provides for youngsters. I'll begin by pointing out that passing on the Santa legend is perhaps the first time you're called upon, as a parent, to lie to your children. This is an excellent way to take advantage of the trust they place in you at this innocent age. In subsequent years, of course, you'll reap additional pleasure from breaking the news that: guess what? you've been lying all along! As children tend to start questioning more of what their parents tell them as they move into adolescence, you can take comfort in knowing that your little Christmas deception has aided your child in making the natural transition from childhood trust to teenage cynicism and suspicion.
However, the benefits that come with a Santa-dominated Christmas don't stop there. Santa can also displace your children's gratitude! Many adults are naturally embarassed to hear children spouting lines like, "Thanks, Mom!" or "Thanks, Dad!" or "Thanks, Aunt Hildegarde!" (To be fair, the last category may well be embarassed just to have the name Hildegarde.) Nonetheless, whatever is one to do with a child's gratitude? Will it raise their expectations unnaturally high? Does this mean you'll have to start paying child support again? Far better to give your little ones another target for their grateful feelings: a non-existent magical being. Enter Mr. Claus! Incidentally, providing children with tangible reasons to love Santa Claus will exponentially raise the disillusionment factor when you're ready to burst the bubble. Your children's transition into teenage hostility will be as smooth as their faces suddenly aren't. Now that's some slick parenting.
There is yet a third benefit to Santa Claus for lower-income families. If you have a lot of income, naturally you'll want to indulge your child's every whim and in other ways make them totally unequipped for life outside the mansion. Sadly, for poorer families this just isn't possible. At Christmas time, however, the conveniently omni-generous Santa allows middle- and lower-class parents to find out what their children would ask for if they were being spoiled rotten. Without the jolly old elf and his magical factories, it's possible that your child might lose the spirit of Christmas materialism and ask for a humble gift that fits within the family's means. Would you really want your child to trade perhaps two weeks of shallow enjoyment for nothing more than a boring life lesson about self-sacrifice? I wouldn't either. That's why it's the duty of parents who aren't rich to seek out the very heights of material ambition that barrages of commercials have inspired in your child, and indulge them. After all, applying for a new credit card is as easy as mailing in an application. If only all good parenting was so simple.
Well, if that doesn't rejuvenate your faith in this magical holiday, which I prefer to call Santa Claus Day, I don't know what will. Tune in next month for my article on counting as a means of enforcing household rules (the key is to never finish counting). Until then, Merry Chrismahanukwanzakkah to all, and to all a good time shopping! Remember: only you can keep Santa alive. Future generations......won't thank you.
Dr. Stewart Dimmingford is a licensed Public Deliberative Analyst and Malformative Sentient Nerd whose syndicated column is picked up by 15 new publications every week, only to be quickly dropped again. He lives in Fresno Bay, CA, on a big rubber life raft. He is still unmarried, and due to his inablity to find intellectual equals that would not be shamed by his prodigious mind, has no friends either. He counts it no loss but theirs. Do you hear me? No loss!!!
