This exclusive interview was conducted over an exclusive telephone by exclusive staff writer Ernest T. Humbleford. It has been strategically edited so as to avoid providing your 3^rd-graders with fun phrases to shout gleefully while you try to use the telephone. Our commitment to the American family is such that we are fundamentally opposed to publishing the sort of verbal refuse that spills from the lips of drill sergeants, rappers, and presidential candidates every day.  

 

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Ernest: Good afternoon, Senator! How are you today?

 

Kerry: Oh, I’m feeling just fine! Actually, I’m still stoked from snowboarding yesterday.

 

EH: So you’re into winter sports?

 

Kerry: Well, some might call it “Xtreme”, but I just call it a good time. Except when my [combination of vulgarities regarding the fairer canine gender and an unspecified posterior deleted] Secret Service agent won’t stay out of my [expression indicating consignment to infernal regions deleted] way, of course, [insinuation regarding subject’s ancestral background deleted] has no sense of –

 

EH (quickly): I’m sure you’re an excellent athlete, Senator.

 

Kerry (recovering): Sorry about the blue language, son. I guess my passionate nature and youthful energy just got me carried away.

 

EH: Apology accepted. Let me start by asking you about an issue that’s close to the hearts and minds of many people around the country – what is your position on the war in Iraq?

 

Kerry: I think my voting record speaks for itself…from the time I heard about it I’ve thought of this war as a baddish good thing, or possibly a goodish bad. A sort of bad-good sandwich. And I’ve held that opinion for as much as a week continually, and don’t be surprised to see me taking that message strongly to the airwaves at least some of the days to come.

 

EH: Very well. Senator, you’ve claimed to have the support of several foreign leaders for your presidential campaign, but have yet to disclose any names to the press. Do you have plans to do so?

 

Kerry: Until the public at large is ready to hear that, I’m afraid you’ll have to take my word for it.

 

EH: Senator, this is for a tiny website. If 20 people read this interview, we’d be thrilled.

 

Kerry (hesitantly): Well, I guess I can reveal this to you, then, but you have to keep it inside the loop, ok?

 

EH: You have my word.

 

Kerry: Alright then. I have heard from both North Korean President Kim Jong Il and Libya’s leader, Moammar Gadhafi. And they have been very candid in expressing their hopes for my election, they’ve shown great enthusiasm for my bold Flying-Around-the-World-Apologizing-To-Anything-That-Moves Initiative, and they were optimistic that if I were elected, they would be better able to tap their countries’ “potential for explosive growth.” Son, if that doesn’t give you hope for a brighter future, I don’t know what will.

 

EH (nervously): Senator, are you sure that –

 

Kerry (suddenly animated): Of course I’m sure! I have mad international relations skills! I can even spell Gadhafi! G-A-D-H-A-F-I! Let’s see the current president do that!

 

EH: But what does spelling have to do with –

 

Kerry: A-N-T-I-D-I-S-E-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-H-M-E-N-T-A-R-I-A-N-I-S-M. You like that? There’s more where that came from! Just wait for debate season!

 

EH (hurriedly): Why don’t we talk about the economy? According to Department of Labor statistics, at this point during the Clinton presidency there were 5.8 million Americans seeking jobs, and now under Bush this number has fallen to 4.6 million. How would you go about solving the jobs problem?

 

Kerry: Look, the problem with Bush is that he’s an elitist [insinuation regarding subject’s ancestral background deleted] who’s out of touch with working people. Now compare me. I’m talking to you from the deck of my $700,000 yacht. See, I had to work to get this. It wasn’t all fun and games and oil contracts. I had to marry Teresa Heinz. And staying married is serious work, and involves a lot of sacrifice. For instance, right now I’m sacrificing a chunk of my spending money to make sure a former intern of mine stays off this continent for a while, and that no more press interviews with her father go the way the first one did. That’s what marriage is all about.

 

EH (blinking): I…think we’re out of time, Senator – thank you for your comments.

 

Kerry: Well, thank you for not asking, “Why the long face?” I swear that’s making me [inappropriate verb form related to procreation deleted] ill.

 

EH: Good day to you, Senator Kerry.

 

Kerry: Peace, my homie-dog! (under breath) I’m super-fresh.