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03.18.05

Castro Pissed; Dismisses List In Explicit Diss

Fidel Castro released a videotaped speech yesterday, expressing his outrage over being listed among the world's richest people by Forbes magazine, with an estimated worth of 550 million.

"Once again, they have committed the infamy of speaking about Castro’s fortune," he ranted in his rough native Cuban. “Castro will be avenged!”

The Forbes article estimated Castro's net worth based on the income he derives from government-run retail stores, pharmaceutical companies, and rubber raft manufacturers, which together account for 72% of Cuba's GDP, or about 300 American dollars.

In his video-taped speech, Castro presented his country as a land of golden opportunity for people who don't already live in the United States. "Cuba is the only Latin American country that fights inequality, and has the fairest income distribution in the world," Castro stated, seating himself heavily on the backs of two slaves and propping his feet up on Elian Gonzalez.

He shortly rose to his feet again, however, denouncing Steve Forbes for his "clumsy slander."

"Forbes has no credibility! Castro will sue!" he shouted at the camera, tugging at his preposterous beard in frustration.

Castro menaces enemies with bat, facial hair

Steve Forbes reportedly found this gesture to be "startlingly cute." A Reuters agent allegedly witnessed him bending over his television, cooing in a high-pitched voice and poking at the screen. "Who's a little dicky-wicky-tator-wator?" Forbes asked. "You are! You are!"

Steve Forbes has five daughters, and is expecting his first grandchild in May.

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03.16.05

Italian Egress Distresses Press in US

Italy announced plans to begin pulling troops out of Iraq this week , a move that surprised many members of the press and several pundits into admitting that not all the troops in Iraq belong to the US.

“This really throws a slug in our Caesar salad,” said a faceless representative of East Coast Establishment Journalism. “It's going to take a lot of time to comb through our copy and put 'Coalition forces' in place of 'American imperialist forces from greedy America', or 'innocent children,' both of which have rolled nicely off the keyboard for months.”

The recent compromises do have their limits, however. The Associated Press has reserved the right to substitute other phrases for “Coalition soldiers,” such as “sacrificial lambs sent to pointless death on an oil-drenched altar by the neo-colonialist powers.” Similarly, Reuters will continue to use the word “quagmire” to link the conflict in Iraq to the Vietnam War, even in stories about the pros and cons of installing your own vinyl siding.

Neither organization plans to show you this graph.

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Frantically stuffing information into your face since 2005
Look Down! News!!!
03.18.05 Castro Pissed; Dismisses List In Explicit Diss Fidel Castro released a videotaped speech yesterday, expressing his outrage over being listed among the world's richest people by Forbes magazine, with an estimated worth of 550 million. "Once again, they have committed the infamy of speaking about Castro’s fortune," he ranted in his rough native Cuban. “Castro will be avenged!” The Forbes article estimated Castro's net worth based on the income he derives from government-run retail stores, pharmaceutical companies, and rubber raft manufacturers, which together account for 72% of Cuba's GDP, or about 300 American dollars. In his video-taped speech, Castro presented his country as a land of golden opportunity for people who don't already live in the United States. "Cuba is the only Latin American country that fights inequality, and has the fairest income distribution in the world," Castro stated, seating himself heavily on the backs of two slaves and propping his feet up on Elian Gonzalez. He shortly rose to his feet again, however, denouncing Steve Forbes for his "clumsy slander." "Forbes has no credibility! Castro will sue!" he shouted at the camera, tugging at his preposterous beard in frustration. Castro menaces enemies with bat, facial hair Steve Forbes reportedly found this gesture to be "startlingly cute." A Reuters agent allegedly witnessed him bending over his television, cooing in a high-pitched voice and poking at the screen. "Who's a little dicky-wicky-tator-wator?" Forbes asked. "You are! You are!" Steve Forbes has five daughters, and is expecting his first grandchild in May. ************************************************** 03.16.05 Italian Egress Distresses Press in US Italy announced plans to begin pulling troops out of Iraq this week , a move that surprised many members of the press and several pundits into admitting that not all the troops in Iraq belong to the US. “This really throws a slug in our Caesar salad,” said a faceless representative of East Coast Establishment Journalism. “It's going to take a lot of time to comb through our copy and put 'Coalition forces' in place of 'American imperialist forces from greedy America', or 'innocent children,' both of which have rolled nicely off the keyboard for months.” The recent compromises do have their limits, however. The Associated Press has reserved the right to substitute other phrases for “Coalition soldiers,” such as “sacrificial lambs sent to pointless death on an oil-drenched altar by the neo-colonialist powers.” Similarly, Reuters will continue to use the word “quagmire” to link the conflict in Iraq to the Vietnam War, even in stories about the pros and cons of installing your own vinyl siding. Neither organization plans to show you this graph.

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