Fahrenheit 9-11 Earns Filmmaker Moore Special Recognition
There have been plenty of articles by people who wish to find fault or pick holes in the tiny little factual details of Michael Moore's most recent work, Fahrenheit 9-11. But this reviewer says: Why must we always emphasize the negative? Moore's work has inspired so much great debate, and done so much to educate the American public. Fahrenheit 9-11 truly proves Moore's worth as America's whistleblower, piercing America's collective eardrum with shrieks akin to those of the Peruvian Shrieking Wombat of the South American jungle. So without further ado, let us celebrate the ways in which this remarkable film has raised our awareness of the state of things here in the good old US of A.
1. The News Media Lies To You
One of the first revelations for me in this movie was that when Gore contested the elections in Florida, he won the first several recounts. Sadly, those scoundrels at the Associated Press had the nerve to report that none of the recounts favored Gore until the 26th desperate refiguring of the counting procedure. I was appalled at this gross distortion of the true events. Were it not for Mr. Moore and his courageous attempts to let the truth be known, I might never have known the difference.
2. Bush and Cheney Are In the Oil Business, As Are a Lot of Important Saudi Arabians
Until I saw this film, I wasn't sure whether or not the conspiracy theories I'd heard about the administration's oil interests could be true. But as the film rolled by, Moore was able to demonstrate conclusively that Bush, a wealthy Texan, did indeed have interests in an oil company. And Cheney, another wealthy Texan, had interests in another oil company. And as it turns out...(brace yourself)...a lot of the wealthy people in Saudi Arabia also have interests in oil companies. Now, of all the things there are to do in Texas and Saudi Arabia, how come all the rich people "just happen" to have interests in oil companies? But the coincidences don't stop there. There was an oil company called Unocal that had a plan to get to some oil near the Caspian Sea using a pipe that would run through Afghanistan. When Bush took office, he talked to a different oil company (not his) who also planned to get to the oil by the Caspian Sea, without going through Afghanistan. Then later, Bush found some reason or other to move troops into........Afghanistan. I know the accumulated evidence must take your breath away, but you should at least be able to admit now that this material bears out at least 17 existing conspiracy theories, and opens the door to even more conpiracy theories no one has yet dreamed of, or managed to produce using the Random Conspiracy Theory Generator. Once again, Moore comes through in our time of doubt with everything we need to know.
3. If You Enlist In the Army, You May Have To Fight
When most of us think of the Army, we think about healthy exercise, nature hikes, and getting a lot of stuff for free after you're out. But Michael Moore blows the lid off the kettle of our silly preconceptions to reveal the sinister truth about to boil over on our national stove: some Army recruits end up fighting. In wars. But hold on to your headgear, because the news only gets worse. Moore goes on to say that the Bush administration is sending our children to die in Iraq. Our children. I cannot contain my outrage that Bush's Army is taking minors overseas for combat. I suppose I would have heard about this before, but then I've been ignoring all mainstream news coverage ever since I learned of their dastardly deception during the Florida recounts. I can only assume that this White House has taken a page from the Palestinian handbook and begun shipping middle schoolers (who aren't old enough to make these decisions) over to Iraqi battlefields. What have we become? And how much farther would we go, if it weren't for the courage Michael Moore has displayed in bringing this evil to light?
4. Edited Interviews Are the Funniest
The genius of Michael Moore is in his spirited, creative attacks on the Establishment. The reason we keep watching Moore, though, is that he has discovered something that Larry King never has: edited interviews are a lot funnier to watch. We don't want to hear a Moore opponent prattle on and on about the reasons why he thinks so wrongly. It's much better to cut him off before he says anything and leave only the expression of startlement you might expect from the Establishment when Moore interrogates them. Even better is to have Moore fill you in on what he's probably thinking, or find some friend of his who is employed (but not in the Establishment) to fill you in on what those people think. This streamlines Moore's presentation of the real truth, and is certainly more entertaining than listening to people with different opinions blather back and forth across a studio desk. Thanks, Michael Moore!
So now that you know why Michael Moore
deserves this award so, allow me to do the honors and present Mike with the
prestigious Golden Doughnut Hole. As you know, doughnuts don't actually have
holes put in them by removing the middle; they have molds that form the
dough into the right shape. At some point, however, an enterprising
businessman realized that he could invent a new item to sell: little round
balls of dough, in all the styles that doughnuts come in. "Doughnut holes"
were a hit, and they were so much fun to eat, no one really cared that they
weren't what they said they were. And the businessman was richly rewarded
for creating a product that didn't, technically speaking, really exist. I,
on behalf of the entire staff of the World Wide Will, am honored to present
Michael Moore with 2004's Golden Doughnut Hole Award in recognition of his
many accomplishments, and his service to America. May he find us forever
grateful.