I dragged the canister across the Uptown area. I was headed towards the toilet to put an end to the reign of terror caused by that blasted toilet monster. A wicked smile grew on my face as I imagined its death in various ways, each of them as agonising and gruesome. Chunhundun's time in this mortal realm is comming to an end, I thought. And I'll be instrumental in its death. Perhaps they'll make a movie out of my experience.
Now there was a thought. A movie about me. A big budget Hollywood extravaganza that would match even Star Wars. The first thing I would do is to demand at least a few million dollars to sell the rights to the movie. Then I'd demand a percentage of the profits. Perhaps I'd persuade the directors to introduce me to Natalie Portman. Damn! This deal is getting better by the minute.
I was brought out of my future planning by a tiny voice comming from under one of the tables near the Ava Lala stall.
"Hey Mister," the voice whispered. "Help me please."
"Who said that?" I asked.
"I did," the voice said. "Down here"
I looked down and saw what looked like a decapitated head. The thing should have been a dead mass of flesh but somehow it was very much alive. Its eyes looked on me piercingly as if it.. well he was trying to size me up.
"Oh there you are." I told the head. "What can I do for you?"
"Well, you could start by putting me on that table." replied the talking head. "Besides, you'd feel more comfortable sitting on a stool than squatting under a table talking to me."
"Good point. Promise you wont bite?"
"I wouldn't even try"
So I did what he asked and put him on the table. I sat facing him as he tried to ret his eyes reaquainted to so much light. I let him take his time with the adjustment. Spending a lot of time under a table can be pure mental torture and I wanted him to be as comfortable as possible.
"So who are you exactly?" I asked.
"Aren't you going to order drinks first?" he asked back. "I am quite thirsty"
"Everyone's dead, remember."
"Oh yes, silly me."
"So I'll ask you again. Who are you?"
"You may call me Amri." he replied. "I am the all powerful demonic zombie... well, the all powerful zombie's head."
"That's nice. I'm Fesal."
"Hah! As if I care! I won't care when I kill you! And you, sir will definitely not care about anything when I march into the Nether Regions carrying your head on top of a spear! Bwah hah hah hah hah!"
"March in?" I asked. "Isn't that going to be a little difficult?"
"Don't patronize me, you scrawny little weakling!"
"I mean, how the hell are you going to march anywhere? Let alone walk."
"Alright then! I'll roll through the Nether Regions. Like a possessed football at the feet of Ronaldo! Does that make you happy?"
"Well, that would be more realistic."
"Fine."
Despite the fact that this little bugger could get irritating, I was starting to like the guy.
"So how did you end up as a decapitated talking head?" I asked.
"That crazy friend of yours la!" he relied. "Him and that stupid Darth Maul lightsaber. One swoop and my body turned into diced meat. And did you know that he was singing the Star Wars theme while he was doing it? That guy has some serious mental problems."
"Well, we like him."
"You would. You're all insane. I mean, what kind of imbecile would carry a toy lightsaber to Uptown? And that big guy. He was fighting with a goddamned table umbrella! Jackie Chan couldn't even do that in his comedies!"
"And your point is?"
"MY POINT IS THAT YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF LUNATICS! Does that answer your question?"
"Well, we beat you guys, didn't we?"
"Oh sure. Rub it in. Gloat. You think you're so big now eh? Well I can face you off any time."
"Sure. You want me to put you on a stack of boxes? Or shall I hold you up while you bite my nose?"
"Oh shut up."
Yup. I really liked this fella. I could keep him as a pet.
"So tell me, why did call me anyway?" I asked.
"Well, I was lonely. I needed to have someone to talk too."
"Yeah, I noticed you talk a lot. I bet you can really talk your head off. Ha ha."
"Oh that is SO original. Why dont you drink acid."
"I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself."
"Thats okay. I guess I should get used to it. God, this is so depressing."
"Well, look at the bright side. You can go anywhere without clothes and not get arrested."
"Hey, thats true! And I wont have to spend money on clothes."
"There you go. Its not so bad."
"Yeah!" Amri said with a smile on his face. Think of all the money I save. I can finally buy a Porsche!"
"Uh, what for?"
"God damnit. I forgot."
"Well, with all the money you save, you could be a millionaire in no time," I consolled.
"Yeah, and what can I do with all that money? Attract girls?"
"Hey, you'll never know. As for pleasing them, you can always give hea.."
"Will you please stop the 'head' jokes?"
"Sorry, man."
"So where are you going anyway?"
"Im paying a visit to Chunhundun."
"Dropping in for yea?"
"Nah, gonna kill him."
"Kill him? Bwah hah hah hah hah! I wish you all the best. You'd be better off trying to woo Natalie Portman."
"And what will you do? Tell him?"
"I just might do that."
"How? Do you have telepathy?"
"Uh, nope."
"Then?"
"Hmm.. will you carry me with you so that I can scream my warning to him before you launch your attack?"
"Fat chance, head man."
"Damnit!"
"Anyway, I have to go. I'm running late."
"Well, go on. I have to make my evil plans for world domination."
"You want to rule the world? You want to be head honcho?"
"Will you please knock off the bleeding head jokes?"
"Sorry."
As I started to walk away, Amri called me again.
"Hey, is that Salleh's teh tarik?" he asked.
"Yes it is."
"Could you give me some? I'm dying for a drink."
"Sure, dude."
I picked up the first glass that I found and poured some teh tarik into it. I considered cleaning the glass first but then I figured out that it might be useless. If the glass were germ infested, he wouldn't die from anything. He wouldn't even get a stomach ache.
I put the glass in front of him.
"Yes, Einstein. How am I going to drink it?" asked Amri.
"Oops, sorry. I forgot. No hands. Ha ha ha."
I put the glass to his lips and he drank. I guess he forgot that he had no stomach because the water just flowed out the bottom of his throat and created a big mess on the table.
"God damnit," said Amri.
At that time my friends joined up with me. They looked at Amri with a confused expression.
"What the hell is that thing?" asked Enazz.
"THING? I am not a thing! I am Amri! The all powerful demonic zombie head! Now suffer my wrath, puny mortals! Bwah hah hah hah hah."
"And what are you going to do? Lick me to death?" asked Fara.
"Don't tempt him, Moffats Lover," said Xylia. "He might want to give you h.."
"Stop the head jokes, already!" exclaimed Amri.
"You remember that David Lee Roth song?" asked Fara. "I ain't got nobody. No Body! Ha ha ha ha."
"I'll kill you all." mumbled Amri. Then he eyed Xylia. "Hey, who's that babe?"
"Who, Xylia?" asked Fara. "She IS hot. Go get her, head man."
"Yeah! Say.. If you stroke my chin, I'll show you a real good time. Being an evil zombie head has its advantages."
"Well, how's THIS for a good time?" asked Xylia.
Xylia then grabbed Amri by the hair and kicked him like a football. The head flew high. It was a shot that would have made Pele proud.
"Bastard," said Xylia.
"Okay, we took care of the zombies," said Stats. "Lets kill Chunhundun now."
"Uh.. fellas," said Shah, pointing back to Salleh's stall. "Lets take care of THAT thing first."
It was a monster. The severed body parts of the zombies we previously dispatched had crawled together and merged into one giant being. It was like a spider of loose limbs with tentacles comming out from all angles. With an almighty roar it moved towards us, obviously out for blood.
"Guys," said Xylia. "We are SO screwed."