Experiencing personal problems ? Have no fear, our very own DefLepard has volunteered his time to solve all problems, no matter how trivial or mundane.
(Actually, he's the only one with time to waste, and he "volunteered" under threat of violence against his person,but we wont get into that)

 Well, on with the first fool..oops.. problem.
 
 

Dear Def, I ni tak reti nak cakap bahasa omputih, so I cakap melayu ajela. Maklum la.. I ni bukannya orang educated macam U. Soalan yang I nak tanya ni satu saja: cemana I nak simpan boipren banyak² ? Yati Masyanti. Dear Yeti, I tau U ni tak la educated sangat. Kalau I cakap U nie bangang nak mampos pun kira O.K jugak. Anyway.. kalau U nak simpan boipren banyak²,senang aje.. ikut aje langkah² berikut ye: 1. Beli peti yang besar 2. Bukak pintu peti 3. Sumbat boipren dalam peti 4. Ulang step 3 sampai bekalan boipren abis 5. Tutup pintu peti Semoga berjaya. Def. Dear Def, This may sound stupid, but I've been toying with the idea of perming my eyelashes. What you you think ? Curious. Dear Idiot, You are right. Its the stupidest idea I've heard in a long time. Its even stupider than giving a driving license and a Ferrari to a blind armless beggar. You'd be better off  watching Senario: The Movie. They may be fools but compared to you, they're Einsteins.  Def. Dear Def, I want to have your babies. Someone. Dear Someone, Do you look like Natalie Portman? If so, giveme a call anytime. Def.   Dear Def, I need help with my homework. What can you tell me about Freud's theories on personality? Psychology Student. Dear Psycho, According to the great Sigmund Fraud (whos ideas were ripped off by Mr Freud), a person's personality is greatly influenced by his upbringing and surroundings. You are the sole exception in this case, as you have no personality. The less that is said about your mind, the better it will be for all involved. Def.   Dear Def, I am starting to feel suicidal. I don't know why. The thought of death keeps hounding me day and night. Please tell me what to do. Dharmawati. Dear Dharmawati, There is only one solution to your woes. Its very simple and all u need are a few household items:      1. A longlength of rope      2.A gun      3.An egg andcheese sandwich  Here is what you do: first shoot yourself,then hang yourself from a tall tree with the above mentioned rope. Thatought to end whatever thought you may have about ending your life. Theonly drawback is that it also ends everything else associated with your life. Still interested? Give it a shot (no pun intended) Def. p.s the egg and cheese sandwich is to be usedas a snack in case you get hungry.   Dear Def, My wife has left me recently because of an affairI had with my secretary. I now realise the error of my ways and have tried to get her to move back in with me but she refuses to answer any of my calls. I am distraught! How can I win back her trust? I need her. Distressed in Damansara.  Dear Distressed, You total loser. You disgust me. You have as much hope of winning her back as President Clinton has trying to convince people that he is more than an adulterous little tosser. You need more than luck, you need a bloody miracle. Thank you for your time. Def.

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Dear Def, I have problems with my new computer. The only thing that it does is show the same screen saver again and again. I have enclosed a picture of the pc for your reference. Please help me. Eddy. Dear Eddieyot, I took a long hard look at the picture yousent me. It wasn't a computer. It was a fish tank. Complete with a few goldfish. You must be the biggest idiot this century has ever seen. I hope your parents are very proud. Def. Dear Def, I want twins. How do I have twins? Future Mum. Dear The Mummy, Go to a video shop or a vcd stall and getthe Arnold Schwarzeneggar/Danny Devito movie 'Twins'.  You could also just have one baby, and cut it in two. This method is only applicable if your IQ is less than that of the average Malaysian computer hacker (approx. 15) Dear Def, I just wanted to tell you that you are a handsome bugger. Admirer. Dear No-Lifer, Cheers, luv! Def. p.s No, I don't give out my phone number to any old idiot that asks for it.  Dear Def, What is the easiest recipe to make a cheesecake? Betty. Dear Batty, The quickest cheesecake recipe only takes a short time. Here it is:      1. Go to shop      2. Ask for cheesecake      3. Pay nice man/woman at the counter      4. Eat cheesecake If you want to make your own, there is a recipe so simple, a fool like yourself can do it without too much trouble. Hard Biscuity Layer: 1. Crushed sweet biscuits 2. Melted butter -Mix biscuits with butter,put in baking dish, chill. Cheesy Bit 1. Slab of cream cheese 2. Gelatine dissolved inhot water 3. Sweetened, condensedmilk 4.Lemon juice -mix ingredients together.(note-feel free to replace lemon juice with anything that suits your fancy..altho adding some beef flavouring might not be a good idea, unless you really are the mentally disturbed idiot that I know you are.)      -pour cheesy bit over chilled biscuity bit and chill (not you, the cheesecake) Def. Dear Def, I am a lonely soul. For the past few days I have been leaving anonymous messages on somebody's homepage guestbook, leaving useless crap about things that happened a long time ago. I have no idea why its taken me a long long time to express these feelings that I have. I need help. Nothing else to do. Dear Nothing, You are beyond help. Anything that I'd suggest would be a futile gesture. You are a sad, sad person. Def. Dear Def, I have just broken up with my girlfriend, and although she refuses to tell me why exactly, she says it was my fault. I cannot see how this is the case since I have been nothing but attentiveand affectionate. I have never even looked at another woman when I was with her. Please help me. Desperate in Dengkil. Dear Desperate, The reason your girlfriend left you is that you are a whining little bugger with no redeeming social values whatsoever. You are a total loser. Forget about ever getting a girlfriend. Hell, forget about ever having friends. Have a nice  day. Def.

Dear Def, I just turned 12 last week. Being a girl,I find it a little uncomfortable to ask you this, but I have no one else to turn to. It all started a few days ago when I noticed hair growing around the"naughty" parts of my body. Is this normal? I feel quite embarrassed aboutthis and I don't dare ask anyone about it. I appreciate your help. Embarrassed in Ampang.  Dear Embarrassed, The reason you have hair growing around certain parts of your body is that you are a sinner. Have you ever had any dirty thoughts? Have you ever fantasized about Ronan from Boyzone wearing nothing but tight jeans? The more thoughts you have of this nature, the more hair you will have growing out of these "naughty" places. If you keep this up, you will start to look like a cross between an orang-utan and a test model for Vidal Sassoon. Cleanse your mind of impure thoughts and you will be okay. (It also wont hurt to ask someone who knows about these things, and not a writer for a bloody irc channel homepage). Happy birthday. Def

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Dear Def, I tell u aaa, you are blardi good lohhh. I respect you mahh. I wan to ask u sumting can aa? Why is it aaa that I can never get pipel to tok to me wan? Everybody is SOOOOOO lansee when they see me mahh.. its laik I don even exist, you know! Haiyaaa.. I tell u wan.. soooooo damn sad lohh. So, you tink you can introduce me to one veeeery nice amoiaaa? Aiyaaa can lohhh.. you soo hemsem wan. I know u know many pipel lohh. Give la one to me mahh.. can mahhh. Teeeeenkiu aaa? Lonely in Ulu Langat.  Dear Lonely, Eh, u tink I am a BLARDI ESCORT SERVICE aaaa? Why la u so laik that aaaa? Haiyaaaa.. I got better things to do with my life den looking for an amoi dumb enough to tok to u mahh. The reason pipel dunn wan to tok to you is because u are annoy them mahh. Your grammar oso not correct summore. How you expect all the high class pipel to tok to you when u never pass form 3 oso? And try taking a bath every day lohh..not once a month. You smell like some dead animal lohhh. Haiyaaaa.. Go away laaa.. you annoying me lohhh. Def.

 

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