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Courage Virility Newsletter: Issue No. 3

MARITAL MOORE TO MAKE TRIUMPHANT RETURN TO BALLINROBE

Mike Moore, his wedding day yet to be confirmed while he awaits sponsorship from Hello! has promised his fans that he is attending the fourth year of the CVGS Golf Competition intent on proving that Dermot's fortunate win last year should never have happened. Sources close to the tempermental star have noticed a steely determination in this outings this year and bookies are duly warned.

A settled family environment obviously agrees with the man from Uxbridge. The new trimmed-down version is out to show his associates what they missed in 1999. Having dispensed with the new clubs that almost led to his premature retirement from the game. Mike is confident that his game has reached a new peak with a return to the form that saw him retain his place on the darts team this year and that which first caught Sheila's eye. Mike's fianc�e Sheila is rumoured to have put the house deposit on his victory and the pressure is expected to stand him in good stead on the final day in Ballinrobe.

"I was particularly pleased to hear that we would be going back to Galway this year as that, along with Westport, are two of my favourite courses. From what I hear of Tuam this will also suit my tight disciplined game which I have worked on very hard this year. My decision to go to golf school over Xmas rather than John and Linda's nuptials has paid off in my form to date. Sheila's small wager on the outcome will help me as I always perform well under pressure."

The more cynical CVGS Members will struggle to place the new streamlined competitor. Previous comparisons likened the lovable Michael to the HIPPO golf clubs that he previously used and which he feels held him back somewhat!

Mike is not alone in his single-minded determination to succeed in this year's competition. Press reports out of Rochdale allege that CVGS members in and around Manchester have actively poured scorn on the Society's reputation by taking golf lessons and deliberately attempting to improve their game - what future is there for CVGS if all members were to take this disgraceful approach? Members are reminded of the Society's founding principles - that which can't be fixed by alcohol ain't worth fixing!

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MILLENNIUM SEES MASSIVE CVGS REORGANISATION

Poor press relations and lots of internal wrangling has led to the wholesale restructuring of the CVGS Committee for the society's fourth year of competition. At the time of writing we are still awaiting a formal announcement from the Dublin HQ at the Orchard in Rathfarnham. Rumours abound as with any high profile organisation but, as opposed to previous years, major changes will definitely follow to take this successful dictatorship into the new century.

The hottest rumours surround that of one of the Society's founding Committee Members, Sean Moran. A change of career has this year seen Sean had to work for a living which has led to neglect of his duties. His chief co-founder, and all time good guy, Dermot Burke, was distraught at the news that he might be losing his hard working colleague to a career. "Sean never displayed any signs of ambition in the past and I am gutted that a concerted campaign has arisen out of what must be very difficult circumstances for the London Morans - I particularly feel for Marita who has always supported everything that we have attempted to achieve for the

CVGS". Marita was reported to be too distraught to comment!

Sean's older brother Chris, based in Dublin, has appeared out of nowhere to emerge as the leading candidate for Sean's position. Paddy Burke, originally of Clonbur, leads the way for post of Newsletter Editor. Tony Morton, Watford (late of South Africa) heads the list for Head of sponsorship having identified a particular weakness in the Society's approach to this vitally important area of fund raising. Tony Hogan is expected to head up Transport Logistics out of Rochdale which means that he will get to drive more than anyone else in the performance of his duties. Pat Young is tipped to take over as head of the newly formed outside Broadcast Unit with Joe Corrigan taking special responsibility for weekend events. Other positions are expected to be announced in what promises to be a traumatic run-up to the even itself.

Watch this space!

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TUMBLING USA THREATENS CVGS STABILITY

Pat Carragee, Tim Doyle and Billy McDermott almost caused a riot when they took part in the 3rd CVGS outing when the borders opened to American competition for the first time. Illegal clubs were the theme when unorthodox swings were seen to connect with and hit the ball. Fingers were wagged and digits were pointed as an overworked committee were called to rule on outrageous decisions time and time again (Dermot is said to have remarked in hindsight that it is no wonder that Sean decided to resign - I was tempted myself).

Tests later showed that the American clubs were legal in America but still subject to legal argument in the European Court of Fair Play. Only a last minute appeal by Attorney McDermott, who claimed to have no connection with any of the families involved, succeeded in allowing play to continue. However, in scenes reminiscent from that other well known competition, the Ryder Cup, heckling continued apace right through to the final day of play. Indeed, so bad was the ill feeling, that European fans were heard to be openly cheering Dermot Burke as he made his victorious way up the final fairway on the last day. One member, who did not wish to be identified, is quoted as saying: "I'm utterly ashamed to be a member of the CVGS, the day when any Committee Member, especially Dermot Burke, is openly cheered by such a partisan crowd is a sad one indeed for the society as a whole."

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CVGS EVENT CHAUFFEUR GIVEN THE DEAR JOHN

The chauffeur hired by Tony Morton for last year's CVGS event, Mr. Mike Seal, has been replaced by 'John' Moran after a bitter dispute between the two.

Tony, who is noted for not having a bad word to say about anyone, recently went public with claims that he was unhappy with the standard of Mike's driving and that he had decided to use Sean's services for this year. He declared that Mike had no idea how to navigate, probing this by getting lost returning from a day trip to Galway Bay, which had caused them to be late back to Ballinrobe. Tony explained that this was particularly upsetting as he felt that he had missed valuable drinking time.

Mike Seal hit back with the claim that he had been invited to chauffeur again this year but had in fact turned down the invitation, stating that he could not endure being confined to areas of a car or bedroom (Mike and Tony roomed together last year) for a whole week. He told how the weekend had started bad and got steadily worse. He had initially had to rise at 5.00am in order to drive from his home in Kent, England to pick Tony up. Because Tony lives in Watford, Mike was forced to drive past Stansted airport where they were headed. "I had to leave at 5.00am in the morning and drive past Stansted to Watford and back, an additional 80 miles," he told a CVGS member. "And it was only once we arrived in Ireland that I fully understood Tony's intentions. Originally he had suggested that we hired a car and co-drove, however, when we picked up the hire car at Shannon, Tony handed me the keys and that was the last time that he touched them."

Mike denied that it was his inability to navigate that had caused their delay in returning from Galway Bay saying "we would have made great time if Tony had not underestimated both the amount of drink needed for the journey and his capacity to hold his drink. Tony quickly devoured the four bottles of beer that he had picked up from the bar and we were forced to turn back to collect more. He refueled, picking up a further eight bottles and it wasn't long before it became clear he'd underestimated himself again and was begging for me to pull over so that he could relieve himself. At first I tried to encourage him to hold on for a bit further, as I was mindful that we were now well behind everyone else but he gradually became more agitated and was quite abusive. When he started to turn blue I convinced him to use one of the empty beer bottles. It was at this time that a fault developed on the car causing it to jump up the road in the fashion of a kangaroo causing him problems with his aim. The fault disappeared almost as quickly as it occurred and Tony cleared up the mess, removed his trousers and hung them out of the car window. By the time we arrived in Ballinrobe they had dried quite nicely. We were able to convince everybody else that Tony had dropped his dinner on his lap and that the horrible smell came form the aftershave that he had borrowed from me."

When shown this statement, Tony responded by saying that he'd never underestimated anything in his life and prides himself in his meticulous planning down to the finest detail.

Mike finally wished 'John' Moran the best of luck for this year's tournament adding that if he was rooming with Tony it would be essential to pack some ear plugs to down out the snoring and a baseball bat for friendly persuasion back to bed should be venture out on one of his sleep walking jaunts. He also suggested that maybe Tony should be offered a ground floor room for his and everybody else's safety.

'John' has said that he is happy to take on the role of Tony's chauffeur and does not believe the reports that Tony has deliberately forsaken his driving license to avoid any possibility in having to drive this year.

Ballinrobe are now ready to welcome back Tony with open arms saying that they do not hold any grudges after Tony took it upon himself to re-design the course last year. A spokesman from Ballinrobe said "we have completed filling in the bunkers on the first tee and in front of the Ladies first tee and the course should be in great shape in time for this year's event."

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