That most popular species, the Handicap Secretary, Dermot "The Stud" Burke drove, pitched and putted his way to his 2nd Annual Courage Virility Golf Open Championships. Pat Young, last year's runaway winner described Dermots victory as a tribute to the golf coaching that is now part and parcel of the Dublin primary schools curriculum. "I know from Dermot's teachers that he showed an eager aptitude at a very early age for competitive golf which he funded out of card schools winnings".
Dermot, the members' ultimate professional, played his way unerringly into pole position avoiding any hint of the bribery and corruption that was all too prevalent last year. However, speculation now yields a sinister backdrop to this most exciting of events amid accusations that he did not win the championship fairly and squarely.
Reliable sources close to this abnormally secretive golf society suggest that Dermot did not once sully his hands in mild green Fairy Liquid throughout the tournament. This, as all good golfer know, dramatically reduces the risk of hooking or slicing normally attributed to lady golfers. Local investigations were instigated immediately to put an end to this slur as soon as the ugly rumour reared its head, however, instead of being able to close the case further allegations have now come to light that suggest that Dermot was indeed unaware that our cottage had a kitchen.
This came about when the duty roster was washed up or cooked - a single entry could not be found against his name! Indeed when questioned more closely it was revealed that Dermot only visited the kitchen to get his cornflakes. When questioned further he broke down in tears while saying |my eye condition doesn't allow me to focus on household items such as cookers, sinks and other utensils. It took years for me to get used to having a TV in the same room and it is only recently that I have been able to come to terms with my affliction through the consumption of copious amounts of other people's chocolate". Initially this brought about much hilarity and guffawing but as enquiries continued and investigations deepened a rare and little known condition was identified, namely Dermotitarse+ from the Latin verb tita which means "to put on others".
As the sympathy vote grew and an understanding of this rare disease was gained consultant specialist revealed that there is no explanation as to the cause of this extremely rare but thankfully non-life threatening virus. A professor from the world renowned Jay's University of Life in Ballinrobe said that this was a particularly unusual strain previously seen only in scratch to single figure handicap golfers. There being no other leads to follow up the case has now been closed to the satisfaction of the committee - an anonymous source is quoted as saying that "Dermot has never done girlie things and it's not likely he is going to start now - not as long as he has a doctor's certificate excusing him". Dermot is quietly confident of retaining his hard won title this year in spite of the ominous competition from United States.
CULTURAL CODPIECE
Mayo has a rich archaeological and historical past. The county itself only got it's name as recently as the 16th century when Queen Elizabeth's Lord Deputy in Ireland, Sir Henry Sidney, undertook the shiring of the province of Connacht. The name Mayo come from the diocese which evolved from a famous monastery established by Saint Colman and a group of English monks at a place now known as "Mayo Abbey". Mayo is a rural county with a population of 110,713 (1991 census). Since the Great Famine of 1845-49, emigration has played a big role in the history of the county.
Ballinrobe is the largest town in South Mayo and is set on the Eastern shores of Lough Mask. It is extremely popular with anglers and horse raving pundits alike being the only race course in Mayo. It's catholic church, St. Mary's, has nine beautiful stained glass windows by renowned Irish artist, Harry Clarke (1889-1931). On the North side of the town stands the remains of an Augustinian friary founded circa 1312. The remains of Cranmor house, the Cornmarket (site of fairs and markets for four centuries), and the Town Hall (once the County Jail) are among some of the interesting places to visit. Just South-West of the town are some fascinating prehistoric sites most notable of which is Cairn Daithi, a 22ft high pile of stones which probably covers a Stone Age passage grave.
SPONSORS ROLL IN FOR THE 3RD YEAR OF OPEN CHAMPIONSHIPS
Last year's competition took place over three courses and eight days of non-stop golf. With a host of fist time sponsors expected to contribute to this year's growing international event the list now included Bank of Ireland, Nico's Italian Irish Restaurant, Gannon's Gastronomic Galleries, Flannery's Food Emporium, O'Malley's Drinking Establishment, Lorne Stewart (world renowned building services engineers) and Biggins' Stout.
Ballinrobe GC - As always the first stop on the 1999 tour was Ballinrobe. The 18 hole championship course is built among the mature woodlands of an historic estate at Cloonacastle (6km off the N84 at Ballinrobe on the R331 to Claremorris). Chosen venue for 1997 GUI Connacht Cups, Shields and Ladies ILGU Connacht Championships the course is a par 73 (SS 74) with five par 5's and measures 6,234 metres off the championship tees. The greens are the envy of many clubs with their fabulous contours. Padraig Harrington of Europe's Walker Cup Team played the course in 1995 and his quote on the course was:
"This must be the finest course in the West of Ireland, the par 3's in particular are a delight. My favourite hole is the fifth which has a marvelous green, inset into the River Robe. The tenth is a hole which the professionals will love, set beside the medieval tower house, with the island green needing a very precise choice of club."
Most members will remember it particularly for the unprovoked attack on the club house windows by our very own Chrishty who launched a volley of fairway drives through the 18th green - do you think they'll let you join now, Chris?
Galway Bay GC - Galway Bay Golf and Country Club is a famous golfing venue and offers 18 holes of championship golf stretching alongside a magnificent stretch of the Atlantic. It offers the chance to stretch those golf skills to the limit. Designed by Ryder Cup player Christy O'Connor Jnr. Has its own luxury hotel.
Members will never forget this one for the temper tantrum thrown by Pat 'Fuck it' Young resulting in the wrecking of his club early in the first round during Open Week. In the interests of member' safety you'll be playing this one on your own next time, Pat.
Connemara Links - Connemara is yet another Eddie Hackett course (perhaps he's cornered the market in golf course design in this part of Ireland). It's not one for the faint-hearted being a cracking championship Atlantic links course so we're talking tough. If you don't mind those links rigours then you will be cheered by the scenic beauty that surrounds you.
This will not be forgotten by anyone who was harassed and chased by the haunted golf buggy. The steward will be remembered for approaching golfers on the fairway drive subsequently leading to many members' nightmares since.