T E X A S

Secede!

The news of secessionist uprisings in Texas got me thinking
(instead of working) and, having visited the state of Texas a few times
over the years, I find myself supporting the idea of a Republic of Texas.

The secession of the Lone Star state from the United States has much potential upside for the country as a whole. To wit, it would: solve much of the illegal immigration problem; provide a friendly country for disgruntled militia members to relocate to; eliminate the Dallas-Cowboys-as-"America's Team" hype; greatly reduce federal assistance monies for natural disasters and trailer park destruction; allow us to "Forget the Alamo"; markedly reduce the number of executions in the U.S.; make Representatives Tom DeLay and Dick Armey into minor U.N. delegates who would then have to live in New York; greatly improve the chances of a sane gun-control policy; remove "howdy" and "yahoo" from the American lexicon; and add a new international flavor to Walker, Republic of Texas Ranger.

This, of course, is just a sampling of what an independent Republic of Texas could do for the United States. Ambassador Richard McLaren has my support! I would hope he has yours, too!

Cowboys and Muslims

On an airplane trip, three strangers seated together began conversing about the recent world events. The strangers were of varying cultures. One was Native American. The other person was a devout Muslim. The third was a cowboy from Texas. During their conversation, they began to discuss their cultural history.

The Native American stated, "Once my people were many, now we are few."

The Muslim bragged, "Once my people were few, and now we are many."

The cowboy looked at the Muslim and said with a grin, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."

Evacuation

In case of a hurricane in the Houston area, the following evacuation routes are to be taken:

1. Hispanics use I-10 West to San Antonio
2. Cajuns use I-10 East to Lafayette
3. Rednecks use U.S. 59 to Arkansas
4. Yankees use I-45 North to Oklahoma
5. Longhorns use 290 Northwest to Austin
6. Aggies use 610 Loop

Texas Hunters

A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard..... The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

How to Speak Texan

The White House did not just get a new team, but a whole new language.
George W. Bush brought with him many friends from Texas, and for anyone not born in the Lone Star State, this Texan accent and the cowboy colloquialisms can seem a bit strange.

Here is a guide to a few of the more colorful expressions you may encounter:

"The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving"
... Not overly intelligent.

"As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party"
... (self-explanatory).

"Tighter than bark on a tree"
... Not very generous.

"Big hat, no cattle"
... All talk and no action.

"We've howdied but we ain't shook yet"
... We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.

"He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow"
... He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

"She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth"
... That woman can talk.

"It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs"
... We really could use a little rain around here.

"Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly"
... Appearances can be deceptive.

"This ain't my first rodeo"
... I've been around awhile.

"He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch"
... Not the most handsome of men.

"They ate supper before they said grace"
... Living in sin.

"Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope"
... Stop arguing and do as you're told.

"As full of wind as a corn-eating horse"
... prone to boasting.

"You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits"
... You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.

Advice for Foreigners in Texas

Like it or not, Texas will soon be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who are not used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice useful:

1. Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It is a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know.
   If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2. Don't laugh at the names. (Merleen, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curly, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Bonnie Sue, Sissy, etc.)
   Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.

3. Do not order a bottle of "pop" or a can of "soda". Here in Texas it is allways called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever. It's still a coke. Accept it.
   Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you.
   Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ass.

5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot,Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Charles Stenholm). However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate.
   If anyone tried to do that they'd get a serious ass kickin'.

6. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble.
   Or else we'll kick your ass.

7. We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up about it.
   If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen,
   ...or we'll kick your ass.

8. Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans.
   This will get your ass kicked into next week.

9. Do not talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit or Chicago. We have scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are.
   Move your ass on home...before we kick it.

10. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all that matters.
    Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

11. Don't complain that certain areas of this state "smell" of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, none of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty,
    we'll kick your ass all the way back to Pittsburgh, PA.

12. Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers.
    Or else they'll kick your ass-just like they did ours.

13. Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested cesspools like Baltimore.
    Make fun of our small towns and we will kick your ass.

14. DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot, right after it is kicked. Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box,
    ...minus your ass.

15. Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not yet pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong)
    ...to keep your ass out.

16. Enjoy your visit !!

Proud Father

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces,
his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy" weighing 20 pounds.

Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard.
A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds atbirth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Twelve pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned.
"What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

You Know you're a Redneck when ...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
8. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and theydon't want it.
10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
11. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
14. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
15. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
16. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
17. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
18. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
19. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
20. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
21. You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
22. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
23. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
24. You have a rag for a gas cap.
25. You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
26. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
27. You had romantic thoughts when you heard sheep bleat.
28. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
29. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
30. You can spit without opening your mouth.
31. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
32. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
33. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
34. Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off.
35. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
36. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
37. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
38. You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
39. You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
40. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
41. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
42. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.
43. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
44. You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"
45. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
46. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph.

Are Northerners Bluenecks?...

By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing" Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what moon pie is.
6. You've never had an RC cola.
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach .
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an onramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
24. You call binoculars opera glasses.
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what applique is.
28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)
29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
31. You can do your laundry without quarters.
32. None of your fur coats are homemade.

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