Religion

Miracle

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his fanny over by the holy water," said the boy.

* * * HEADLINES !

A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second. The next day the headlines read:
* * * PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS !

The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won. The headline read:
* * * PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT !

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:
* * * BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS !

This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The next day the headline read:
* * * NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN !

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10. The headline read:
* * * NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS !

They buried the bishop the next day.

That Cow

At 105 years of age Sister Mary's worn out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey or rum three times a day to relax her.

Not to be lured into "worldly pleasures", she huffily declined. But the Mother Superior knew the elderly nun loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike her milk three times a day.

After a few more years, even that spiked milk couldn't help and the aged sister approached her final hour. As several nuns gathered around her at her bedside, the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave them with any words of wisdom.

"Oh yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"