Senior Moments

Random Quotes on growing Old

"Old age ain't no place for sissies. "
~ Bette Davis

"Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart."
~ Caryn Leschen

"The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy."
~ Helen Hayes at 73

"I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows."
~ Janette Barber

The Perks of being over 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Sharp Cookie!

When my grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, ...."Anyone who's 99."

Signs of Menopause:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

Because I'm Dead

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".

"Why not?" he asks. She answers back,

"Because I'm dead." The husband says to her,

"What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

"Old" is when...

• Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
• Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
• A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
• Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
• You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
• You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
• "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
• "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
• An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee

Do you have AAADD ?

I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD (Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder). This is how it goes:

I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry. . .

BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack. . .

BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook? Oops, there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook. . .

BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away. . .

BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and Aaaagh! Stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants. . .

BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat. . .

END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control. And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY ! I realize this condition is serious. I'll get help. . .

BUT FIRST. . . I think I'll check my e-mail.

Subject: your day will come...

When I was younger I hated going to weddings... It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

By My Side

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times:
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side."
...You know what?

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Senior Drivers

A group of Florida senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:

"My arms are so weak, I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Ha! My cataracts are so bad, I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third,
to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not all bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can still drive!"

A True Story: Supper Granny Defender of Justice

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why it wasn't working. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5'tall, glasses and curly white hair, carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Midlife

• Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
• Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
• Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
• Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!
• Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"
• Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
• Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
• You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
• Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
• Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
• Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.

The Benifits of Growing Older

• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
• It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
• No one expects you to run into a burning building.
• People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
• There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
• Things you buy now won't wear out.
• You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
• You can live without sex but not without glasses.
• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• Your eyes won't get much worse.
• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
• Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Adjusting

One day a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?", they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."