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Canine Quotes

"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."
~ Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
~ Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead."
~ Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
~ Dave Barry
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
~ Groucho Marx
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
~ Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
~ Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
~ Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
~ August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
~ Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
~ Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
~ Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
~ Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, but very, very few persons will."
~ James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
~ Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
~ Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
~ Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
~ Dereke Bruce
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
~ Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
~ Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -
~ Edward Abbey
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
~ Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
~ Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
~ Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
~ Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
~ Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -
~ Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
~ Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
~ Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
~ Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
~ John Steinbeck

Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
"www.pethouse.com" instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
...and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers:
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
* 1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws.

Source: The Top Five List
Copyright � 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis

If Dogs Used Computers

by Sandy Lindsey

Rows of Snausages would replace bar lines as section dividers on webpages.
Lassie would answer fan e-mail.
The "Search" command would be replaced with "Fetch."
Use #102 for a dead cat would be a SVGA screen duster.
There would be Chuck Wagon screen savers.
A relaxing fire hydrant pattern would be come the world's #1 wallpaper.
All mice would be replaced with trackballs featuring Enhanced Tongue Control.
The Trash icon would be replaced with a Toilet Bowl.
The most popular Usenet group would be rec.toiletbowldrinkers.anonymous.
The internet pornography debate would be over photos of naked poodles.

How Many Dogs Does it take to change a light bulb ?

Afghan:
Light bulb? What's a light bulb?
Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie:
Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to date.
Dachshund:
I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle:
What? Where? I'll get it. No you get it. No I got it! Look! The border collie did it! Look! A bug!
Rottweiler:
Make me!
Shi-tzu: :
Puh-leeez, dahling. I have servants for that kind of thing.
Labrador:
Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeaze let me change the light bulb !!! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute:
Let the border collie do it. You can feed me while she's busy.
Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff:
Mastiffs are not afraid of the dark.
Beagle:
Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb?
Bassett Hound:
If you don't wake up, you don't need a light bulb. Now be quiet, I'm going back to sleep.
Cat:
You need light?

You know you are a dog person when ...

You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.
You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.
The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.
You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.
Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.
You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.
Your dog sleeps with you.
You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but he understands.
You have little songs that you sing to your dog, and he always wags when you sing, even though you can't carry a tune.
Your dog eats poop, but you still let him kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course).
You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.
You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.
You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.
You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.
You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.
You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard chirping "Murphy, pees and poos!" over and over again, while Murphy tends to play and forget what he's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story).
You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.
Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so he can climb onto the bed by herself.
Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.
You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.
You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's).
You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.
You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.
You are the only idiot out walking in the pouring rain, but your dog needs her walk.
You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.
Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog, remember her birthday, and send her greeting cards and gifts.
Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.
Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a walk (both days).
You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor...).
Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.
You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too).
You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all her favorite spots.
You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.
You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.
You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.
And the number one reason you know you're a dog person:
Your dog has his/her own World Wide Web site!

How to Photograph a New Puppy

Remove film from box and load camera.
Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from his muzzle.
Choose a suitable background for photo.
Mount camera on tripod and focus.
Find puppy and take dirty sock from his mouth.
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on hands and knees.
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
Put magazines back on coffee table.
Try to get attention by squeaking toy over your head.
Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
Call spouse to clean up mess.
Fix a drink.
Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit/stand" and "stay"...
(first thing in the morning.)
Consider buying older, trained dog.

Handy Tips: Sleeping with Two Dogs

For the few who have already mastered this technique, I will later add a cat, although I urge beginners to leave the cat out.
To achieve any sort of success, certain arbitrary conditions must be assumed, the first one being that you must have a king-sized bed. There is no point in lying down in anything smaller.
While the size of the breed of dog is not important (people who sleep with dogs know that before the night is over everybody collects into a pile), the condition of the dogs may be. Very thin dogs, for example, are lumpier. I have selected the two-dog minimum because, as we shall see, it is the only way to stay in bed at all.
The key word here is leverage. All dogs spend the night pressed tightly against their human bedfellows, but no two dogs ever sleep on the same side. This is, in part, an expression of the "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie" principle". It is also to create leverage. Because the human being is always in the middle, held tightly in by the dogs and by his blanket (which the dogs are sleeping on top of), restlessness and recurring cramps are difficult to handle.
Here is the tip: When you first lie down, and before the dogs settle against each side of you, spread your legs three inches apart. Stiffen and hold out no matter how great the pressure! When the time comes to turn over, bring the legs together quickly under the now slightly slackened blanket and revolve before the dogs wake up. As soon as you have assumed a new position, allow for those crucial three inches again; otherwise, you're a mummy for the rest of the night. Never spread the legs more than three inches. A dog's favorite place to sleep is in the hollow created by legs too widely spread, and once settled, he and you are frozen into position until morning. (There is a way out of this trap, but it is difficult to describe without slides).
Dogs who like pillows may be accommodated if you sleep on your side with the legs scissored so that each dog has an ankle for a chin rest. Above all, beware of curling! When the curl is reversed, both dgs are dislocated, resulting in low growls on both sides of you.
When you are ready to add a cat, position is all important. All cats prefer to sleep in hollows, but no cat will sleep on the same side as a dog. (Remember, you have only two sides). You must therefore become a triangle! Do this by assuming a horizontal diver's crouch, thereby creating not only three more-or less exclusive sides but two hollows as well. With one dog at your front, and the other against your back, the cat can curl into the hollow at the back of your bent knees, separated from both dogs.
All will then sleep soundly. This entire technique still needs a lot of refinement. A method that deals with early morning scratching needs to be developed, and the problem of pretending to sleep while being closely scrutinized by various animals needs to be solved.

The Canine Dictionary

Bath: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls, and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously.
Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly, and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into bushes, at which point you prance away.
Bump: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
Deafness: This is a maladay that affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running the opposite direction.
Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
Drool: What you do when your person has food and you do not. To do this properly, you must sit as close as you can and look sad, and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet on their lap.
Garbage Can: A container that your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume, and moldy crusts of bread.
Goose Bump: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn't get the attention you require...especially effective when combined with The Sniff.
Leash: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him or her to go.
Pupkus: The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. (...for real!)
Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Put your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply. Repeat several times or until your person or the other dog's makes you stop.
Sofas: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating, it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

Canine Property Laws

If I like it, it's mine.
If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
If it's broken, it's yours.

The Ten Commandments
...According to Your Dog

I. Thou shalt feed me today more than thou didst yesterday.
II. Thou shalt teach me with food, not big sticks and loud voices.
III. Thou shalt walk with me every day, despite thy favorite TV program.
IV. Thou shall not buy furniture that I cannot sit on.
V. Thou shalt not pay attention to anyone else but me, lest I feel unwanted.
VI. Thou shalt love me to death, even when I bark all night.
VII. Thou shalt not have a Cat with attitude and claws.
VIII. Thou shalt not start the car until I am in it.
IX. Thou shalt not hide the food.
X. Thou shalt obey the above without question lest I poo on the neighbors' lawn and promote community strife.