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My Personal Experience on Child Abuse
I had experienced indecent actions at the age of 11 which I would
now consider to be sexual exploitation. It was something that I
did not like but daren't to show it. However,
it was performed by a close person and I had no courage of telling
her how I felt. I knew that she would just consider it a joke.
This took place everyday when I took my showers. At the beginning,
I was fine by myself. However, later on near the end of my shower,
she would come in to comb her hair or use the toilet.
I would not come out and would stay in the shower box. As I ran
out of time, I would be forced to come out as she babbled on about
the wasted time and water. She would then watch me, dry my body,
but pretending not to watch. The next time it would become worst.
She would start off using the toilet and telling me that it was
time for me to take a shower. She would stay there watching me
take my clothes off. Her head daringly close to my genitals as
space was small in the bathroom and she was sitting down on the
toilet and I was standing up. I couldn't tell her how I felt or
she would laugh or shout at me for thinking of her like that. I
couldn't cover myself or she could question me and I could
imagine her stealing the towel away and shouting at me. This
persisted for several months or years. I couldn't remember, I was
a child. Now, as a 17 year old, I review the pain that I felt and
cannot wash away. I feel dirty and hate her. But I cannot hate
her for hating would be wrong because she is reponsible for me and
has cared for me and it is my responsibility to care back. I see
her efforts in bring me up but that could never make up for the
pain I had felt. Am I wrong? Is it right for my sexuality to be invaded
because of others sexual desire?
I fear and hate but then can only know that if I hate, I
am wronging myself. Those years and now I feel as if my soul was
stolen and my body feasted upon by the world. My body is empty and
people see right through me. Everybody carrys an evil grin and has
taken from me, something that cannot be returned. And now I fear
to love or to trust because love only brings hate and trust only
brings broken promises.
Written on April 29, 2000 at 1:00 am
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