Hi, its hard to talk about this. I was abused by my father and a teacher in elemetary school and my brothers friend. I didn't even think about the abuse until about six years ago. and it has been a horrible rollercoaster ride since then.

My dad liked to watch me go to the bathroom at night and used to sit me on his lap and rub himself after beating me. I can understand your confusion about being watched but not touched. It worse in a lot of ways because I never knew what was going on.

In elemetary school my reading teacher asked me to stay in from ressess. I learned how to please a man really well from him. I went back for a month. I had to he was someone who actually liked me. He never yelled and he was so gentle. I knew that what I was doing was a horrible thing. I just thought that he would make everything better. Now I know how I was used. I Still feel responsible though. Somehow I should have known better.

The last time I was raped by my brother's high school friend. He hid in my closet at home and waited for me. I still can not go by a clost that is closed without fear that someone will jump out at me. This was the last time I remember feeling any emothion other than dispair and depression. I could not(cannot) understand why these people picked me. I had thought that I could trust the adults in my life, or at least my parents. Now I have trouble trusting anyone. I catch myself feeling like an object to be used by others but with no rights or needs of my own.

I have been recovering for eight years. Slowly remembering and admitting that these things appened to me. I have comitted suicide countless times. At times I honestly don't know if I will live to see 35. As a man I feel lost. I have ever met anyone like me or who would admit it. I have read about them and tried to e mail them but nothing seems to come of it.

I keep trying though lately, every once in awhile, I see glimpses of hope.

Until I get the habg of this I go day by day, miniute by minute and sometimes second by second. Thanks, [email protected]