Dear Mrs. Aiken (Actually, Mrs. Parker)
This has got to be the hardest page on this website. I have written this letter and have revised it a number of times. The remisions were not to make it "dolled-up" (I have included the orignal drafts in the Basement page) The revisions were made in order that my letter not come off as insensitive to how I imagine that you may feel about me - a guy - being infatuated with your son. Perhaps, you may think all I care about is wanting him sexually, that I would prey on his innocence and lead him astray. Maybe you think I'd only want him because he is a celebrity or for money, noteriety etc.
Firstly, I do not blame you in the least if you feel apprehnsive and/or protective of Clay. You should. That has to be expected. My mother would feel the same if she felt that somebody - even Clay, if this situation were reversed - wanted to take advantage of, exploit or harm me. I do not want to even try to argue the issue and again I have revised this letter in order to remove anything argumentive regarding the issue of your feelings. Furthermore, I cannot expect you to just take me at my word, either. I feel that I owe you some sort of assurance that I am not a crazed fan and I hope, however that you will at least let me communicate to you in the best way that I can, how my having Clay's best interest at heart supercedes my gay feelings and attractions for him. I want you to know that I care MORE about the wonderful person Clay is than my attraction to him. In other words, just because I am infatuated with Clay like a silly ol' 16 year old girl does Not mean that I wish in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM he would be gay or that - if I ever met him - he would reciprocate my feelings. Yes I have had thoughts/wishes of him being my boyfriend but please understand, my caring about Clay's life SUPERCEDES, dwarfs, shoots down, such thoughts and wishes. I cannot mean in all seriousness for Clay to have, or want to have any such relationship with me. I know this won't happen but I say it anyway to stress how I care more about him than my infatuation. Let me relate a similiar situation: At my job, most of the workers and clientle are gay. However; there was a guy there who was not gay at all. Now he had not problems working with or even giving hugs to those of us who are gay. He even knew that I found him attractive. Now although I did feel attractions to him, I totally respected his not being gay and once told him that I liked him better than being gay. By that I meant that I liked him as he was OVER my attractions to him. Now If he had ever thought of "experimenting" or "exploring the other side" just out of some sort of curiosity, I would not have allowed it. I may feel like I would like to be involved with him but I straight up, would told him that I would not have him doing that. I would have scolded him! That is exactly and dead on how I feel regarding Clay.
The concert was the turning point in how I thought of Clay. Ever since I saw him in concert here in Denver, I have no longer desired to think of him lustfully. Yes, in the days after the show I had been tempted and still did entertain such thoughts. This went on for the first two weeks after the show but my lustful feelings toward Clay were on their way out and now, they are gone.
Now as far as I am concerned Clay is not gay. I said that firstly to stress that I for one consider him and accept that he is not gay. Also, I say it because I am sure that you have heard or read all the crap surrounding this issue in the media, people talking or on the internet. There are always going to be people who are anti-something or anti-someone and will suspect this or that. I know this is grieving to you. I want you to know that I do not appreciate this speculation one bit. I know how it feels to be the subject of such speculation whether it's about being gay or weird or otherwise different. All my school-life I was dubbed as weird wherever I went and I carried bitterness and contempt toward it for about 20 years - this is why I did not sympathize with Columbine at the time the tragedy took place - before coming to terms with it just this year (2004). Now while I do not take part in this speculation, please allow me to say that if I ever heard that Clay wanted to "explore the otherside", that would hurt me because I do not want him to ever stray from the person he is. I care far more about that than any such curiosity about being gay. It's just the same with Clay as it is with my friend. I like Clay better than my being gay and attracted to him. I care more about Clay even more than him succeedinng in the entertainment world. If it ever comes to where his success would mean compromising ANY of the wonderful things he is then I would hope that he would walk away from that life. Yes that would mean no more concerts or new music but I care more about his life, his walk with God and the wonderful person he is now than his success....or my crush on him.
It is my hope that if you venture around this website, you won't see merely a boy infatuated with Clay, but one of the many whom he has touched with his life and that I am a person who struggles with his feelings and ultimately wants to do right and that Clay can be the light in my life.