Are you a step-parent
("bonus" parent)?
Do you find yourself taking on a
lot of the responsibility that biological parents take on with little
acknowledgement? Do you find yourself wiping snotty noses, sitting up with a sick
child, cleaning up vomit, trying to get grass stains out of pants, helping to provide
financially for a stepchild, giving hugs, fixing boo-boo's, wiping tears, fixing lunches,
jumping up in the middle of the night if your stepchild cries out from a bad dream or to
kill that spider on the ceiling, transporting your stepchild around town, etc? Do
you find your weekends taken up by messy art projects, walks around the neighborhood with
children, trips to parks (zoos,etc.)? Are your vacations planned around and spent
with your stepchildren? Boy, that sounds like something a parent does, doesn't
it?
Being a stepparent can be
difficult. You have much of the same responsibilities of a parent, but not the
acknowledgement of being one by many people or the recognition by the family court
system. I am one of the lucky ones. I have a supportive husband who treats me
as an equal parent with him. On Mother's Day, I am acknowledged both from my
biological and step children. I am acknowledged for my parenting skills by my
husband. We each bring different but necessary qualities to our parenting roles with
ALL of our children.
Even though you may not get the
acknowledgement from that child's other parent, remember that it doesn't change anything
within your family home. Forming a relationship with a child who you did not give
birth to takes much more effort than what a "natural" parent must put forth, but when
that love is offered to you from your stepchild, it gives it a special meaning for that
same reason. Acknowledgement from the same sex other parent isn't
important. It doesn't have any impact on my relationship with my stepchildren and that is more
important to me. My life with my stepchildren doesn't revolve around what the other
same sex parent thinks of me.
I've sometimes been the
"parent" my stepdaughter has come to with something she didn't feel comfortable
talking to her biological parents about. (I know this because she tells me she
doesn't want to talk to her mother about it.) When my stepdaughter presents
questions to me (where do babies come from, why can't we all live together, why don't I
have a stepfather, why can't I stay here forever, why, why, why, etc.), this indicates to
me that my stepdaughter loves and trusts me.
Communicate with your spouse about
the children. Be open and honest about any concerns or problems you may have.
My husband has always listened to my concerns. He respects me, my
feelings, and our family time. If something affects me and our family (financially, parenting time,
etc.), he discusses it with me first, invites my input, and we come to an agreement
together. (After all, my husband may not know what family plans have been made for
a weekend that might be switched, what holiday plans are made, the state of our budget,
etc.) The other parent may resent your input but don't let it bother you. How you choose to relate to your
spouse and your family within your own home is your business...not the ex's
or
anybody else's.
Present a united front to the
children. This is very important so the children do not play one against the
other. If you and your spouse disagree on a topic, do not discuss it in front of the
children. Tell the children you will need to discuss it and that you will let them
know later. Also, check with your significant other if you are
asked something from your stepchild that you are unsure you should agree to (and vice
versa). My stepchildren have tried a few times to ask me something that I refuse and
then go to their father and ask him for the same thing! When this happens, correct
the situation immediately. My husband always supports a decision I have made if the
children try to come to him after already being told "no" by me and vice
versa. Biological children do the same thing. It isn't a "step"
situation only.
If your stepchild comes to you
about a problem with their other parent (mother or father), encourage them to discuss it
with that other parent themselves. Perhaps you could offer suggestions to them on
how to broach the subject, but try not to step in and do it for them (unless the child is
being harmed or could be harmed). The child will probably have better
luck resolving the issue with the other parent themselves rather than you
stepping in and creating a situation where the other parent rejects the
input/problem just because YOU broached the subject (does he/she say
"black" when you say "white"?).
Don't talk negatively about your
stepchild's other parent no matter how tempting! Keep negative comments about an ex
between your spouse and yourself. It will hurt the children to hear negative
comments about their other parent (even if it is true). My husband and I have had to
do "damage control" in the past for things they have overheard from others
outside of our home. Don't put your children in this situation. It isn't their
problem that the adults can't get along; don't make it their problem.
View your stepchild as an
individual. It may be hard at times to look at them and see their other parent
staring back at you. Learn to separate the child from their other parent. This
may be hard to do in the beginning but you can do it! Look for the qualities in your
stepchild that came from your significant other. He/she does have half the genes of
that person. My stepson looks exactly like his mother and nothing like his
father, my husband. However, when I look at him, I see a rambunctious little boy
(who I am told by my in-laws acts just like my husband did when he was a little
boy).
Support your stepchild's
relationship with his/her other parent. I sit with my stepchildren and help them
make their mother things (cards, art, etc.) for birthdays and holidays. We are
creating our own memories together that they will remember when they are adults. She
doesn't do anything like this for me but that doesn't matter. Who will have the
children's respect when they are old enough to understand that despite everything, their
dad and stepmom still didn't act hateful?
I love my stepchildren and nothing
anybody says or does outside of our home will change that for them or me. This is
OUR family, just as you have YOUR OWN family. People can only do what you allow them
to do to you. Don't allow them that much control over you or your household.
Though this may be a hard one but
turn your anger into compassion for a hated ex. I don't mean to have compassion
because they continue to TRY to make your life miserable. I mean to have compassion
for whatever it is inside of them that they can't get over or move on with and that they
can't find the happiness that you have found, obviously, or else they wouldn't be trying
to make your life a living hell (and not succeeding!). That makes them
kind of pathetic doesn't it? Somebody to feel pity for! Don't
waste your time on anger.
