Are you supposed to love your stepchild? Is
your stepchild "required" to love you? Is that putting an unfair burden on
a step-parent and step-child (and another pressure on your marital relationship that
doesn't need to be there)? Let's face it, blending a family is much harder than if
it was just your biological children and you. Second families face the same
pressures as first families but more when you add in stepchildren and the multitude
of problems with them, step-parents, different personalities, different holiday
traditions, the financial pressure of supporting two families, adding an "ours"
child(ren), and ex's from hell (or if you're lucky, cooperative ex's).
From a step-parents standpoint, that child is not
your biological child. The natural and instinctive nature of a biological parent to
love their child (most bio-parents anyway), is natural for most people. If you have
developed a loving relationship with your step-child(ren), that is wonderful for both the
step-parent and step-child(ren). However, if you haven't, don't feel guilty.
You do not have to love your step-child. If your spouse expects you to love his/her
child, have a talk with him/her; go to counseling if necessary. That's a pressure on
the step-relationship that isn't necessary. What is necessary is that the
step-parent and step-child respect each other while in the step-parent's household and
treat each other fairly.
From a step-child's point of view, a step-parent is
not a biological parent and unless the biological parent is unfit, neglectful, or abusive,
you will never replace a biological parent's place in your stepchild's heart, nor should
you try (or want to). If a step-child comes to love you, that is a wonderful gift.
Don't push them to love you and don't make them call you something (mom/dad) they
aren't ready or don't want to call you (and may never call you). Whether they call
you by your first name, by "mom" or "dad", or by a combination of both
doesn't really matter and should be left up to them.
If you give it time and work together, your
relationship with your step will form on its own.
