a) stout
b) rum
c) Plumptree's Vitaminised Nerve Food
d) water
2. What was Blackbeard’s real
name?
a)
Edward Learn
b)
Eugene Littlebottom
c)
Edward Teach
d)
Henry Teach
3. What did Captain Johnson
write?
a)
The Buccaneers of America
b)
The Pyrate Guide to Popularity
c)
Captured by Pyrates
d)
A General History of the Robberies and Murders of the Most Notorious Pyrates
4. According to The Boston
News Letter, who finally defeated Blackbeard, and with what?
a)
a Highlander with a broadsword
b)
a cabin boy with a dagger
c)
a shark with its teeth
d)
Anne Bonney with a pistol
5. What reason does the Dread
Pirate Roberts give for wearing a mask?
a)
because they're terribly comfortable
b)
to cover his acne problem
c)
as a disguise
d)
to keep his head warm
6. What was Long John Silver’s
job on the Hispanola?
a)
captain
b)
navigator
c)
cook
d)
deck-swabber
7. Bearing in mind that the
Dead Man’s Chest is not a torso of a corpse, but a seaman’s portmanteau,
answer this question: How many men on a dead man’s chest?
a)
it depends on how small you cut them up
b)
none - they’re all women
c)
twenty
d)
fifteen
8. An appropriately piratical
laugh is:
a)
Bwa ha ha ha ha ha… aarrrgh
b)
tee hee
c)
Har har har har, arrrrrr!
d)
wheehahehahe
9. In The Pirates of Penzance,
who would the pirate crew not attack:
a)
pirates
b)
women
c)
orphans
d)
virgins
10. What does X mark?
a)
your average pirate’s signature
b)
a sinister ancient secret best left buried
c)
the spot
d)
the place where two lines intersect
11. Which pirate’s treasure
was hidden near Astoria?
a)
Captain Kidd
b)
Black Bart
c)
Edward ‘Blackbeard’ Teach
d)
One Eyed Willie
12. Complete this opening chorus:
Pour, oh, pour the pirate
sherry;
Fill, oh, fill the pirate
glass;
And, to make us more
the merry,
a)
Let us now some gay time pass
b)
Let the pirate bumper pass
c)
Let us cease this stupid farce
d)
You can shove it up your arse
13. If they ever come up with
a School of Swashbuckling (and, let’s face it, how likely is that?), what
would their best subject be?
a)
Cannibalism: Immoral or Simply Good Economics?
b)
Queering the High Seas: Rethinking the ‘Jolly Roger’
c)
“I’m Up the Duff, Sir!” - Women Pirates Escape the Gallows
d)
Keelhauling: A Users Guide
(if your opinion differs, you can
present your case to the examiners at [email protected] or Sign the Guestbook)
14. Given the choice, where
would you most like to be executed?
15. What is the wooden chick
on the front of a ship called?
16. Where did the Goodies set
up their pirate radio station?
17. What shall we do with the
drunken sailor? (choose a combination of TWO of the four lines)
18. What is it fun to charter?
19. How can you recognise a
pirated video cassette?
20. What is a glorious thing?
21. Which of the following
symptoms would indicate you have scurvy?
22. If one was ‘sucking the
monkey’, what would one be doing?
23. What was Long John Silver’s
parrot named?
24. What do Goonies never do?
25. On what island did Jim
Hawkins search for buried treasure?
26. If, during the course of
a duel, your opponent shouts “You fight like a dairy farmer!”, the appropriate
response is:
27. Choose the most appropriate
translation of this statement: “Aaaargh, matey!”
28. Horatio Hornblower of the
2 000 - 2 001 British production was:
30. Why is the rum gone?
a)
Boston
b)
Port Royal
c)
Montserrat
d)
Barbados
NB. ‘None
of the above’ is not a valid option
a)
that wooden chick-thing that goes on the front of a boat
b)
Cheryl
c)
a figure head
d)
the Queen of England
a)
on board the Revenge
b)
what pirate radio station?
c)
in the black forest
d)
five miles out to sea
1. put him in the scuppers
with a hose-pipe on him
2. take him an’ toss
him overboard
3. take him an’ shake
him, an’ try an’ wake him
4. shove him in the
bilge hold til he’s sober
a)
1 & 2
b)
1 & 3
c)
2 & 3
d)
3 & 4
a)
a yacht and sail the Caribbean
b)
an accountant and sail the wide accountancy
c)
a replica of the Whydah and go on the account
d)
a sail boat and putter round the bay
a)
by its jolly pirate hat
b)
by its wooden leg
c)
by its rough and salty talk
d)
by the way that it would kill you and everyone you love with nary a second
thought
a)
to be suspended in a gibbet at Tilbury Point
b)
to be a pirate king
c)
to be hunted down like a dog
d)
to be excessively tickled with a feather
a)
dry scaly skin
b)
hideous breath
c)
bleeding, swollen and spongy gums
d)
all of the above
a)
breaking the law in several states and territories
b)
engaging in a perfectly natural act between two creatures
c)
drinking rum out of a coconut
d)
shooting a member of your crew
a)
Captain Kidd
b)
Captain Squawky
c)
Captain Stinky
d)
Captain Flint
a)
say die
b)
wash
c)
fart in the bath
d)
attack orphans
a)
Booty Island
b)
Treasure Island
c)
Pyrate Island
d)
Skull Island
a)
You make me want to vomit
b)
So’s your mother
c)
How appropriate! You fight like a cow!
d)
You and what army?
a)
I’m going to flay the skin from your feet
b)
I agree with your succinct and well reasoned statement
c)
I love you
d)
Many felicitations to you on this fine and glorious day
a)
A dashing hero who would make short work of any pirate
b)
A sexy beast
c)
Hornblower? Is that some kind of porn?
d)
That's a character by C.S. Forester, right?
29. If you've
been marooned on an island and left to die, the best object(s) from which
to construct a raft is/are:
a)
Keira Knightly
b)
Sea-turtles, lashed together with rope made from human back-hair
c)
Underpants
d)
Your pirate flag and a lovely bunch of coconuts
a)
Because I drank it
b)
Because some bugger left the lid off and the monkey drank it
c)
Because it is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into
scoundrels
d)
Because we had to use it to preserve the body of Admiral Nelson after he
fell in battle
Now that ye've finished, click
here
to see if ye
have earned the Diploma in
Practical Piracy
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[Index] [Return to School of Swashbuckling]
[Pirate Economics] [Sex and the Seas] [Recreational Violence] [Drunkenness]
[The Practicalities of Piracy] [Women and Piracy] [Punishment] [The Philosophy of Piracy]
[Final Exam] [Biography] [Patron Saint] [References]