Reasonable Service - Romance II

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Romantic Idealism II

I originally wrote this in late 2002 or early 2003 and have decided, now that it is late 2005, that I need to add some comments to reflect some of the ways that my views have shifted since I entered what some call "the real world." Experience has broadened my perspective in some ways. Of course, I still don't know exactly what I think. The truth is that I'm currently not really sure what to think about a lot of things that used to be very "obvious" to me. In any case, though, I think I will kindly add my comments in Arial, so that you can see the original paragraphs and my current comments in order.

DISCLAIMER: I hold no one else to these specific choices I have made. If you are a Christian, of course, you are accountable to applying Scripture to your own life as it is obvious that you should. That is between you and the Lord. That I practice these things (in the strength of the Lord) is not to be considered a condemnation of what anyone else feels the Lord has led her (or him) to do.

Let me reiterate that this is not written to judge other believers. I fall short even in following these guidelines as I could wish. I also fall short in other areas. It would be silly for me to have a higher standard for other people than I do for myself, so please read this with the following in mind: I am not an expert, I may be very wrong about some of these things, and you are quite welcome to comment by emailing me at this address.

I don’t flirt. Of course, I suppose that statement requires that I go ahead and define flirting. I guess I would agree with Jonathan Lindvall’s definition that is, in essence, “projecting a romantic interest in someone before the time that God desires.” I don’t remember his precise definition, but it was something along those lines.

Let me tell you about the other aspects of this commitment, which I had not really considered until recently. My goal is to make sure I communicate no less and no more than what the Lord wants me to communicate in terms of a romantic interest in any man. Consequently, whether I am interested or not, I seek the Lord's will on how much to communicate or even how to convey my interest or lack of it. At the same time, I do not want to be a distraction to any man. Well, let me be honest here: I am a rather vain female and I have a certain appreciation for a man's attention; however, I recognize that as vanity and am working on quelling it. I am quite honest, really, and have no desire to encourage romantic interest that is doomed to disappointment. Like I said, I have no desire to do that...but I just recently realized that I tend to communicate about the same level of interest in a guy regardless of whether I am interested in him "in that way" or not. I'm really not sure what to do about this, so I guess I'm stuck wondering and guys will just have to ask. Sorry, guys! Let's hope there aren't too many of you out there who are wondering...

I actually have several reasons for this commitment. The most obvious that would be true for just about anybody is that flirting does not convey what I as a Christian want to tell the world. Instead of demonstrating purity of heart and mind, it may project even more than what I intend to say through my actions. Naïveté in this area could even lead to undesirable kinds of attention. Rather than take those risks, I’ll “play it safe” by conducting myself in a way that I am sure would be pleasing to my Lord: WITH ALL PURITY. My standard is generally a little even more strict than what it would be as a married woman—simply because it seems likely to me that people would read more into my actions when I’m single than they would if I were married (innocent actions, that is).

I actually think that this is the reason that I have practically never been asked out. Moral purity has been on my mind frequently lately, for some reason (the CPC work is probably a primary reason, although other reasons do exist). Several girls I know and I are regularly mistaken for being younger than we really are. We have concluded that purity may be the basis for this assumption. One girl I know commented recently that she has noticed that guys tend to treat a girl differently if she is not playing the dating game, even if the girl never actually says that she is not interested. Somehow, I think our demeanor indicates our standards pretty effectively. After watching some movies that are educational in the area of current culture, I can see why. The little swing of the hips or dressing to allure the male population tends to contrast greatly with the appearance and actions of girls who are seeking to be pure in heart as well as in behavior.

There are many passages in Scripture that seem to me to prohibit intentional flirting.

Proverbs 4:23 Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

Our hearts need guarding, and that is because so much depends upon it! Our physical hearts indeed pump the blood through our bodies, something we need for life. We would not intentionally do anything to expose our hearts to danger. Think about the spiritual analogy—our spiritual hearts, and the importance of guarding them to maintain our spiritual vitality. If our hearts go astray in any way, that can lead to so much danger! Even if our hearts are not involved when we begin flirting, the actions could lead to the mindset. And Scripture does tell us that the wicked things we do come forth from a wicked heart. We need to guard our hearts carefully, examining them in the clear, bright light of God’s Word to see the impurities that He desires to remove from them.

I'll be honest here again and remind you that I am vain. My vanity has been a bit of a problem for me at times and I have actually experimented some with something that I am now certain is not a good idea: While I have avoided the majority of obvious flirting, I have figured out how to get male attention and make eye contact that might lead a guy to believe that I am interested. Since I never do this very long and my follow-up conduct is carefully reserved, I have not had any problems because of this, but what I did discover is this: Vanity fulfilled breeds more vanity. When I don't focus on what really matters (God's pleasure and glory), I begin to evaluate my self-worth on the basis of masculine attention. I don't think I am being presumptuous when I assume that most girls have struggled with this, so I think it is reasonable to expect you to understand when I say that evaluating self-worth based on how much guys notice us is not very worth-enforcing. This is for at least two reasons that I can think of right now: 1) While some guys will probably notice us, it may not be in the most flattering way possible and it will certainly not be a constant thing for most of us and 2) Those guys who notice us and gratify our feminine vanity are generally the guys who view us merely as sex objects. I'm sorry, but, to such men, we are merely toys to gratify their lusts.

Now, reality is that our true worth is based on who we are in Christ. However, our perception of our worth is based upon whether we are accepted despite our imperfections. Only a man who looks past our exteriors and sees our hearts and still loves us will actually satisfy our longing for acceptance from men, anyway. And even if such a man accepts us, we will still crave God's pleasure and our true satisfaction and perception of our worth will come from recognizing our identities as children of God. The best way to keep your heart with all diligence is to remind yourself of Whose approval and acceptance really matters and to recognize how much God loves us.

I Corinthians 6:18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. 19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? 20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.

The simple injunction to “flee fornication” is one that I believe many Christians disregard, to their hurt, to their shame, and to the grief of the Lord. When we become Christians, we are giving our entire beings—including our physical bodies—to the Lord. Sometimes we do not realize how many areas of our lives this commitment affects. Romans 12:1-2, “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” We are a living sacrifice, and our lives should show it. That is what God wants! That is what is reasonable (or, in another translation, “spiritual”). It makes sense that if we belong to the Lord we should do as He desires. It is also interesting to note that I Corinthians tells us that fornication is one sin that affects more than our bodies. I know that abstinence promoters will talk about venereal disease and pregnancy as being possible consequences of promiscuity, but shouldn’t Christians be most concerned about dishonoring the Lord?

Flirting obviously is not fleeing fornication; it is more of an invitation to sin, at least in the mind and heart. As Joshua Harris has often mentioned, purity is not staying on the side of a line drawn in the sand, but rather a direction in which we are moving. If we do not make the choice for purity in all of our actions, even the “small” ones, are we going to remain pure before the Lord?

Although I did mention this in Part I, let me reiterate the importance of recognizing that sexual immorality and impurity in general are detrimental to your future marriage. However, I believe that Christians should be even more concerned about how this will impact your relationship with the Lord. So...Christians, which is more important to you--fulfilling your physical desires outside of the context God has ordained or pleasing the Lord?

I Thessalonians 4:3 For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: 4 That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 5 Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: 6 That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. 7 For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness. 8 He therefore that despiseth, despiseth not man, but God, who hath also given unto us his holy Spirit.

If the passage in I Corinthians is not clear enough, this passage reiterates the necessity of a believer’s abstinence from fornication. This kind of sin is often present in the lives of unbelievers, but should it happen in the life of a Christian? God has indeed called us to holiness, and there are significant consequences, directly from the Lord, for believers who do not honor Him in this. That it would grieve Him should be enough to keep us from it, but be forewarned that disobedience will expose you to God’s vengeance.

Girls, don't incite a guy's lust! Keep your words and demeanor pure and help him to focus on the Lord. Now, guys, I'm not suggesting that you all are just so weak that you need all the help in the world, but I personally appreciate it when guys are intentionally turning my attention to the Lord, so I would imagine that Christian guys would be likewise appreciative when girls do this as well.

I Timothy 4:12 Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity.

This verse talks about the need for setting an example. People are watching us, and we need to make sure that what they see is something that God desires them to live, too. The idea of setting an example is set in contrast to letting people despise our youth. Young people are known for being incredibly irresponsible and unwise, and certainly far from honoring to the Lord. We can be different; we must be different. We must make sure that our examples are shining clearly enough that there will be no questions in anyone’s minds as to where our convictions lie. So maybe you are committed to specific things, but can other people tell? If a girl says that she is committed to purity, will flirting make it look like it?

I think very few people realize how easy it is to become discouraged in this role. Though my desire is not focused on pleasing people, at least half of the point of setting an example is...fulfilled by having an observant audience. Sometimes I wonder if people notice beyond thinking that I'm odd, disgusting, or unfashionable. Thankfully, the Lord has provided people to help me in this area by encouraging me to continue as I have begun. So, for you who are choosing to be a positive example, be encouraged that people are watching! For those of you who recognize people who are examples in this area, please take a moment sometime to share with them how much they encourage you!

I Timothy 5:1 Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren; 2 The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.

I cannot tell you how many times I have looked up the word “all” in the New Testament. All does, indeed, mean all. Purity is pretty straightforward. Even when it is necessary to address problems in the life of a young lady, young men must be careful. Paul was talking to Timothy about times when it might be appropriate for him to address spiritual needs in the lives of young ladies. Paul asked Timothy to treat them with all purity, and that is how young men should treat young women. No taking advantage of a young woman emotionally is allowed from this passage.

I really don't know what I think about this passage now. I would love for guys to treat me like a sister, though, and I am certainly open to friendly relationships with men who are willing to operate within this context.

II Timothy 2:22 Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

Again, we see the concept of fleeing youthful lusts. We have an alternative that most people ignore, though. While we’re busy focusing on the don’ts, Satan is enjoying keeping us from what God DOES want us to do. We are urged to PURSUE righteousness, faithfulness, love, and peace WITH other sincere Christians. How do you do this? Do you host Bible studies? Do you watch movies together? Think about it! This verse should affect not only who your friends are, but what you do with them. So tell me, when you watch movies with your friends, are you walking in obedience to what is obviously set forth in this passage? Are you with sincere Christians? Are you pursuing what is holy, what is in obedience to God’s commands, what demonstrates love to others, and what brings peace to your life and to the lives of others? I would venture to guess that many youth group activities are not planned with this verse in mind. Don’t think that the youth leaders are the ones who are responsible for this, either! YOU, young people, are the ones who will make the difference. Don’t wait for someone else to do it. Set the standard for other people, and look for others who have a similar passion for the Lord. Pray, study, and fellowship with them around the basic principles of living the Christian life. Are we as likely to fall when we are actually pursuing these things? There is not room for flirting in this. Pursuit of righteousness and pursuit of inappropriate romance are not compatible. When it is God’s will for there to be romance, it will be possible to pursue it righteously!

I definitely still agree with this. I think there is more to be said on the subject, but I will leave that for a later date.

I dress modestly. There is so much to be said about modesty if the number of articles Google has indexed is any indication. Most people say close to the same things, just in varying degrees. Because of the way I dress, most people will assume that I think it NECESSARY for a woman to wear dresses/skirts (no pants) in order to be modest. Far from it! While I dress as I think IS modest, that is not to say that all the things I don’t wear are necessarily immodest. How a girl dresses is something she should take before the Lord. Some girls seek advice from their fathers, while other girls do not have fathers able or willing to give it. In this area, I would say that it is most important for a girl to prayerfully consider this issue, and then honor her parents in a way that is also honoring to the Lord. Mothers also love to give counsel in this matter, sometimes unasked. I usually ask my mom if I am not sure, because my dad and brothers do not usually offer any advice or have much to give if I ask.

Scripture does offer some guidelines in the area of dress, and I think those are appropriate to consider. As soon as I find it, I will post links here to articles that specifically address those.

Proverbs 7:10 And, behold, there met him a woman with the attire of an harlot, and subtil of heart.

At the very least, this is one woman we do not want to imitate. However we dress, girls, we must make sure that it is not seductive. Please do not confuse seductive with attractive, however.

I Timothy 2:9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.

The emphasis here is that women who are professing Christians should look godly. Our focus on modesty is something that should come from our hearts, and our clothes should simply be a reflection of godliness. Whatever we wear, though, our emphasis should be elsewhere than the apparel itself.

Personally, I dress as I do for two reasons (maybe even three): 1) Modesty, 2) Femininity, and 3) Simplicity (which relates to modesty). Scripture indicates the need for all three in our lives, so I strive to follow that. In a world where gender identity is being called into question, I see a need to embrace my femininity publicly. In a world where sex is so glorified, I see a need to be distinctly modest.

I don’t spend much time on one-on-one interaction with guys (except for my immediate family members). While I am not sure there is much direct Scriptural support for this conviction, the contact that pure women had with men in Bible times was somewhat limited, perhaps more than it is in our society today. Because one-on-one conversations tend to knit hearts together, even in talking about godly things, this is something I desire to avoid until I am relatively I will be marrying the person. That does not mean I will not ever have casual conversations with guys, or that they will all be limited to three or five minutes. It just means that I will guard my heart in this area by limiting the amount of time I spend in even spiritually intimate communication with men.

Of course, it is easiest to keep things casual with guys I would never consider (and who would never consider me), but the Lord has convicted me of my need to be consistent in this area, so I really do try to keep all of that to a minimum, which is not difficult since my close friends are girls. In order to be consistent, though, I have virtually no one-on-one e-mail or instant messenger interaction with any guys. There are no guys on my AIM buddy list, and I have it set so that all people not on my list will be blocked. Of course, some people may think that I do not approve of other people meeting and getting to know each other on-line (leading to marriage). I do not mean to convey that at all, since I think it is a beautiful, wonderful thing for two people to meet however God sees fit. However, because my dad does not write and my mom is not on-line much at all, it would be impossible for them to monitor correspondence with the opposite sex as would be necessary for the development of a relationship leading to courtship/marriage. I trust, though, that God will work out whatever He sees fit in this area, in His own time and way.

Proverbs 31:10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. 11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. 12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

I would like to be that rare woman, the one who honors her husband before even being aware of who he is. I am not interested in cultivating relationships that could lead to emotional baggage that would affect a future marriage. I want my life as a single woman to be proof that a man can trust me after marrying me. If I make sure my conduct is appropriate now, then whoever I marry will not need to fear that I will be disloyal to him behind his back.

Romans 13:14 But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.

Spending time alone with guys is what I see that could become a problem here, especially when my flesh is weak. I’ve heard it said that we’re only as strong as we are at our weakest moments. Is that true or what? Honestly, no matter how “strong” we may think we are, there will be times of weakness, and we need to make sure that we don’t fall into the trap of thinking we’re stronger than we really are. Rather than strengthening ourselves to resist temptation, let’s make sure that we have as few opportunities as possible for fulfilling those temptations.

I Thessalonians 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.

Perhaps the word “appearance” would allow some leeway? This verse is hard, because we do not want to worry about what others think. However, there is a difference between standing alone for what is right and maintaining your ground in something that appears to be questionable. Here is the Greek word: eidos (i'-dos) [Grk. 1491] from 1492; a view, i.e. form (literally or figuratively):--appearance, fashion, shape, sight. Anything that looks like evil should be something we avoid. It is especially easy to make mistakes if we do not know what might look like evil to other people, but they will tell us. Instead of reacting, we should be sensitive to their responses, and prayerfully consider what they have to say. If spending time alone with guys would make people question what is happening in that time (besides the consideration of not making provision for the flesh), I should avoid it. If that is not something the Lord is leading you to do, perhaps your situation is different.

I Timothy 2:9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array.

Sometimes I am not sure I like the idea of “shamefacedness.” It might be misinterpreted as being a tactic to get more attention from men. In this age of brazen women, though, there is a difference that others will see as we girls behave appropriately.

 Shamefacedness: aidos (ahee-doce') [Grk. 127] perhaps from 1 (as a negative particle) and 1492 (through the idea of downcast eyes); bashfulness, i.e. (towards men), modesty or (towards God) awe:--reverence, shamefacedness.

Current addendum: This is one area that has completely changed in the last two years. I have my questions about whether this is a good thing, but it is how the Lord has led me so far. Carefulness is necessary, I assure you!

I will wait to pursue romance until my parents have Okayed it. This basic tenet of courtship doctrine is important to me. Although it is, perhaps, impossible to observe in every circumstance, I have saved, mature parents who desire to be involved in this phase of my life. That they are willing to guide me in this area is far more than many parents today will offer, so I am grateful for their being available to counsel me in this. Scripture also has things to say about honoring parents.

Ex 20:12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

Unlike some other passages, this one does not put even a vague age limit on the one receiving the command. Many people today have no respect at all for anyone, even authorities. This problem can cause problems in marriage, as well, if neither spouse has learned to yield his or her will to another.

I Corinthians 7:36 But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of her age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry. 37 Nevertheless he that standeth stedfast in his heart, having no necessity, but hath power over his own will, and hath so decreed in his heart that he will keep his virgin, doeth well. 38 So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.

This passage talks about a father’s authority in deciding if and when his daughter will marry. There are those who would ignore this passage on the basis that it was simply an assumed thing that a girl would be under her father’s authority because of the day in which it was written. Surely the God who inspired this word would also have made certain that specifics were written to girls who would make their own decisions in the future, though! It is reasonable for a Christian father to be chief counsel (at the very least) in the life of his unmarried daughter. In a relational sense, it is an excellent opportunity for a girl to learn how to demonstrate respect and honor to a male in authority over her, in preparation for marriage.

This is still true. My parents are quite supportive as I seek to follow the Lord's will, so I don't anticipate any conflict in this area. I'm not sure how communicating on this matter is supposed to occur, though, and that is a matter of concern to me.

I will find out where a guy is headed in life before getting involved with him. I wish people these days would take the time to figure out what they are doing with their lives before finding someone else to do it with them. If I came to your door and asked you to go on a trip with me that would last to the end of your life, would you just come if you happened to like me? Of course, romance would be a little bit stronger than that (maybe?), but the point is that you would want to know where I was going before you would even CONSIDER coming, much less pack up and follow me out the door. Since marriage is a lifelong commitment, I think it is wise to consider what God wants you to do with your life before you marry someone who may be called to something entirely different.

Of course, I guess that this is most important to me because I feel called to work with unwed mothers. There are many specifics that I still don’t know, but if I ever marry, I will make sure my prospective husband has a similar vision for ministry, and that what God has called him to do will allow me to be a helper to him—and fulfill my own vision in so doing. Not all girls are entirely certain of a calling such as this, but it is something to consider. Sometimes people get so caught up in just living that romance distracts them from serving the Lord as they might. I think the possibility of distraction is greatly lessened if the pursuit of romance is only done with the intent of expanding ministry through partnership! Of course, I recognize how idealistic that is, but it is definitely something to consider.

Genesis 2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

God created Eve specifically to help Adam. This is why I think that it is so important that a girl be fit for serving her husband. How better to be ready than that she should be prepared for a calling that is the same as her husband’s? Whatever it is, a girl who would help must be ready to help.

II Corinthians 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

Maybe you are wondering what this verse could possibly have to do with direction in life. Personally, I believe that God gives every Christian direction in life. If a guy is not yet sure of what that is, he needs to take the time to figure it out. If after a time of waiting, you see that he really has no vision for serving the Lord, I believe that there is reason for questioning whether he is saved. I do not refer to a guy who is focused on serving the Lord, yet simply unclear on the specifics (as I am). If you see a guy who spends all his time and money on entertainment and things, rather than on people and relationships—reaching out to others to show them Christ’s love, I believe there is reason to doubt his salvation. At the very least, his life would not be compatible with that of a girl who is on fire for the Lord and seeking to serve Him in every area of her life. Two people going in opposite directions will have difficulty in a marital relationship, so avoid a guy who is not demonstrating evidence of salvation.

Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

In marriage, wives are also instructed to submit. I only want to put myself in a position to submit to someone whose head really is Christ. We must consider the spiritual state of the man we marry, girls!

I Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

I don't have a clue what Mr. Right's ministry or occupation might be, but I have become more and more grateful that I am not married yet because I am still not 100% sure what is happening in my life. While I am quite as interested in a specific ministry as ever, preparation for that ministry has varied greatly as time has passed. I am still in what seems to me to be a state of flux, so it would be rather hard for a guy to deal with that, I think. Then again, I could be wrong. Who knows? Still, whoever he is (if he is) will need to be involved in a ministry in which I would be a perfect fit–or so I think. Who's to say that I'm right, though? I desire to obey the Lord and I will see how He leads.

Here is my ideal for the marriage relationship—my ideal? No, it’s really God’s ideal. This is what God has in mind for Christians, and I believe we should seek this in the marriage relationship. The only guy Christian girls should be willing to marry is someone who also has this vision for marriage.

I would like to expand on this subject of marriage a little more, but I will have to do that later. Right now, I have a house to clean. I will think about what to write while I am doing that. God bless each and every one of you as you seek to please Him in every aspect of your lives!

Pamela B.

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