Reasonable Service - Betrothal Clarifications

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Betrothal Clarifications

Written the week before my 19th birthday, I would guess (my perspective is still evolving, as one can imagine)...

I found an interesting link on the subject of "betrothal," and it showed many of the things I desire to consider. I think I agree with the author, and I am hesitant to say "betrothal" because of how easily people think of "Fiddler on the Roof," and having a "matchmaker.” The article I read sums up what some extreme betrothal advocates need to hear. In addition, Michael Pearl has written an article on the subject. He claims not to like betrothal, but he is not interested in dating or courtship either. The more mature non-dating young people that I know are dissatisfied with everything everyone has proposed and are looking for an alternative. The girl who wrote this article calls it "trusting God." In some ways, it almost sounds simplistic, and yet we cannot be naive enough to assume that it is so. We set our standards and state our convictions, yet we are willing (or should be) to submit to however the Lord leads us when the time comes. After all my sorting through my thoughts on the subject (which I really do mean to put into writing at some point), I finally realized that I am now just "waiting to see what happens." Of course, I do not know that I will get married, but if I do, we will see exactly how it works then. I do not know the specifics; I just know some specific guidelines I would like to follow, along with some others I have considered.

First, I think the defrauding issue is extremely important. We guard our hearts, as girls, but we must also carefully guard the hearts of men. This includes dressing modestly, not allowing men to touch us inappropriately (for me that means practically no touching at all), as well as making sure we do not say or do things that imply an attraction to them. Guys, of course, should do the same, but this is a consideration for girls because I am one! When I get into a relationship with a guy, I really hope it will be "for better or for worse." I do not want to be in with the possibility of getting out if things do not work out. At the same time, I do want to know the guy (yes, myself) well enough to base my commitment on something I have personally observed in his life. I would prefer for my parents to know him first, but I really do not know how that is going to be. I am not there yet! I just know that I want to seek God's will for myself by observing as much of his life as possible in order to discern whether we are really suited to each other. Because I believe that marriage should only expand one's ministry, I want to make sure the guy will be set to do that. Maybe that is asking a lot, but I would rather stay single than marry someone who is not well enough equipped to make a good leader.

Anyway, we have to be very careful not to flirt. For a long time, I had no problem with that...several years, in fact. More recently, I am much more conscious of men (for some reason). Maybe it is because I will turn 19 next week (November 2001) and I can guess that guys could "consider" me for a dating prospect (it is obvious that I do not have a boyfriend). As of yet, no one has asked me out, and I really have avoided men, but I am not sure what I will do if it does happen. If I am friendly like my dad wants me to be (essentially, that means not rude), I am just not sure how easily I will avoid it. I am going to try, but I just do not know. What would I say? I have always thought the answer would come easily, but I guess I will not find out until it does happen. Now, I have no idea what I would say. There is the issue of guessing a guy's intentions. If, for instance, a man simply desired some company and had no intention of romance, it would sound somewhat strange for a girl to say that she's keeping her heart or avoiding defrauding men. Maybe it would not sound that funny...I do not know. I just would be scared to death of reading into a guy's actions more than is there. I hope that that will not be a problem for me!

Then, there is the issue of honoring authority. I must confess that this is one of my weak links right now, as far as composing what I want to say. It is true that we need to seek God for ourselves, not through our parents...though we must still honor them. The interesting thing about this is that people get so sticky [editing this later, I have no idea why I said "sticky"] about how our parents are supposed to interact in our lives. Should they pick our husbands? I have always been comfortable with my parents on that because I know they will let me make the decision, but other girls may not feel they have that option. In addition, I know of situations where men abuse their patriarchal authority. It is so sad to see the Bible misapplied in that way. We need to be careful about talking about submitting to husbands and honoring parents. For now, I think that the heart is the real issue. We need to submit to the Lord to where we can hear His voice through whatever means He chooses, including, but not limited to, our parents and others God has placed over us.

We have to address the issue of commitment and intimacy, appropriate degrees of both. On the other hand, should I say matching? What does friendship give you the freedom to do (as a Christian)? Not the same things that being married does! What do we do about engagement versus courtship? Should there not be a difference? Now, I guess my "current" definition of betrothal is "the pledge to marry that frees a couple to pursue emotional intimacy within the bounds of physical chastity." I guess I am mainly looking for something more solid than today's idea of engagement where you say you are going to get married, but are you really going to do it? People just do not know. The ring is fun to them, though, I guess! Anyway, I think a pre-betrothal relationship would be good...with the guy and with his family, something hopefully non-official and definitely not too personal. My preference would be to meet the guy in the context of shared ministry, where I could see myself drawn (guardedly) to a guy with like mind, like heart, and like calling. As I said, I do not know how it will work in the end, but I do want to be faithful.

Now, I have wondered something about the whole "emotional chastity" thing. We say we are keeping our hearts for our husbands. I think that is rather sad, since I really doubt that God's main goal is there. Instead, I believe He wants us to keep our hearts and emotions focused on Him. I have thought about the concept of one guy and one girl. Then, I considered. Even if I knew to whom I would be married in the future, I could not justify a relationship with him now. The main reason that I know of now is that I am not ready. However, it is entirely within the realm of possibility that the man God has in mind for me in the future is married to someone else right now [i.e., he could wind up a widower and that would be what would free him to marry me at that time, which is in the future - obviously not the present]. It is not that I am particularly attracted to the idea of being wife #2 or step-mom, just that if God leads me in such a direction, I will follow. If the guy is married right now, that means that pursuing a romantic relationship with him would be wrong. In fact, it would be adultery. In the same way, if it not God's time for me to marry someone, I need to leave it alone. While “getting to know” a single guy would not be the same as pursuing something with a married man, it would be a distraction from the wholehearted service that I can give to the Lord now.

Okay, anyway...I have rambled on that subject half-sleepily for a little too long. I have to shake my head just to keep from going to sleep all the way! Therefore, I guess some may see me as a traitor to the concept of betrothal. I must say that it is not my goal to do that; I just want to make sure I am doing right before the Lord. To make things more stringent than He requires does border on legalism. I still think of my commitment as being one to betrothal, but I am very cautious about using that word since most people do not like it. It is the more serious kind of engagement.

One idea I am trying to express (very ineffectively), though, is that parents can be wrong, too...they are fallible. That still leaves me with the challenge of how to be "just friends" with a guy when you are thinking about marriage. The only practical thing I can consider is just not considering him until you know him enough as a good friend. To me, that means getting to know guys for who they are whenever God brings them across my path. Anyway, I really am tired, which is why there is no definite conclusion here.