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Romantic Idealism I

I originally wrote this in late 2002 or early 2003 and have decided, now that it is late 2005, that I need to add some comments to reflect some of the ways that my views have shifted since I entered what some call "the real world." Experience has broadened my perspective in some ways. Of course, I still don't know exactly what I think. The truth is that I'm currently not really sure what to think about a lot of things that used to be very "obvious" to me. In any case, though, I think I will kindly add my comments in Arial, so that you can see the original paragraphs and my current comments in order.

Having acquired a great deal of wisdom and having arrived at the ripe old age of twenty, I am ready (yet again) to revise and clarify my ideas on the subject of romance (love, dating, marriage, and alternatives to all of those things). Okay, I’m being a little silly, but I do want to share some serious things…that I have been considering lately. I have no idea who, if anyone, will read this, but in the even that anyone who does not know me or much about me, I think it would be wise to give a little background.

Even this first paragraph, introduction as it was meant to be, reflects a confident attitude that I no longer possess. I think I have lost something and I am not sure whether that is a good thing.

First and most importantly, I am a Christian. I came to know the Lord at the tender age of two and a half, and have been very blessed to have walked closer and closer with the Lord every year. He has proved Himself faithful in so many ways, especially as He has guided me in each step of my life. My parents are committed Christians who have, by careful training, instilled in me a very serious perspective on life. They have taught me how to live for the Lord by setting a clear example of godliness, for which I am very grateful.

This aspect of my perspective has changed only by growing into an even greater appreciation for God's grace in providing godly, supportive parents. My biggest shock in "the real world" has been the immaturity of so many adults that I had rather naïvely assumed would be as mature as my parents.

One of the decisions my parents made in raising their children was to home educate, feeling that God had called them to that. One of the great things about home educating is that we have gotten some of the first exposure to new, radical ideas that take a little longer to reach the rest of the Christian world. Among these ideas was a concept that Jonathan Lindvall called “courtship.” I still remember the day that my mom returned home after hearing him speak on the subject. In my presence (a coincidence, not particularly intentional), she began expounding to my dad the virtues of this old-fashioned sounding idea. Serious ten-year-old that I was at the time (or almost ten, at least), I had been quite worried—for several years—about how I might act when I entered my teens and began to think of romantic things. I was especially worried because I had observed boy-crazy young ladies, and I did not want to behave as they did. Therefore, my parents had no difficulty or opposition in presenting to me the idea that I would not be involved in the boyfriend/girlfriend scene. That my parents would keep me from acting foolishly was an immense relief.

So it is that now, twelve or thirteen years later, I still have not dated. While I have no idea what aspects of courtship or betrothal might be appropriate in my life at some point, I am still uncomfortable with the idea of recreational or romantic yet purposeless dating. Going out for the sake of going out or being able to say that I'm going out is not attractive to me. If I am not interested in marrying someone, why bother? I am still grateful for the decision that I made when I was ten years old.☺

If I remember correctly, my mom had gotten tapes from Bold Christian Living (Jonathan Lindvall’s ministry), one of which was on the subject of courtship. After listening to it and hearing the reasons behind embracing a non-dating approach to romance, I was even more convinced that courtship was the route to take. It was reassuring to hear that there were young people who had made this decision and been able to carry it out as they intended.

I still love anecdotal evidence for many things, but I rely on it much less now than I once did. Of course, anecdotes that I have heard since then have included horror stories. Reality, as I now realize, encompasses circumstances and people who are, at times, something less than what I would consider ideal. That is obvious to the rest of the adult world (or at least the ones who live in reality), but I am an idealist at heart and I took a while to adjust to this fact! Anyway, while I like to hear courtship stories, my "training" as a college student has taught me to avoid regarding the experiences of others as authoritative. Their primary purpose in my life has been to encourage me to seek out God's principles in His Word so that I will see how to apply them to my own life, even if that means a totally different "courtship" from what I might have had planned when I was ten years old.

Over the ten years since I made this decision, I have not been asked out even once, so I will frankly admit that I have never had the opportunity to break my commitment. For the record, no one has particularly asked to court or marry me, either, so I have not put principles of courtship into practice. However, my views have evolved somewhat in order to help me accept the choices of others while remaining true to my own ideals. Many Christians I know date and have dated, and have married people they dated. As far as I can tell, many of those Christians who dated have strong, solid marriages. In fact, most of those people who dated exercised just as much propriety in their relationships as those who courted. Everything Jonathan Lindvall had said about dating and courtship made me think of the latter as a much better option, because dating sounded so…promiscuous. Yet the Christians I saw who called their relationships “dating” differed very little in practice with those who “courted.” Was this courtship-like “dating” simply a matter of ignorance of new (or old?) terminology?

Since I wrote that paragraph, I have been asked out exactly two times, both by strange men I had just met. In my opinion, that hardly counts as being "asked out." At this point, I have had no proposals of marriage (just covering all my bases here; you do realize that girls can have proposals without dinner invitations, right?). Also, since I wrote that, my brother has gotten married after what I eventually realized was a very purposeful courtship-type relationship that I think he called "going out." No one dates anymore, apparently. Actually, they do...but young people rarely call it that, or so I hear.

After reading many articles on the subject of Christian romance, I began to see a pattern, which was that Christians who were mature and on fire for the Lord all had a very similar perspective: SERIOUSNESS. Whether they had heard of dating alternatives or not, they chose to initiate only those romantic relationships that they felt would be likely to be culminated in marriage. Some of them espoused a kind of dating that sounded more like meetings between casual friends, whereas others were more strict in the exercise of propriety in male-female relationships, but the goal seemed the same: marriage without prior defrauding, either physically or emotionally.

This has actually been a subject of much thought for me. Would it be acceptable to spend time one-on-one with a guy if we are just friends? I am not going to answer that question here because I have yet to draw a strong conclusion, but I will say that, in general, such friendships need to be purposeful. I do think, honestly, that they can be platonic to a certain extent. However, a friendship that continues to grow in its intimacy may not just stop short of romance! That may not be a bad thing, so I am not at all suggesting that this is something to be avoid; one must simply realize that the possibility of falling in love does exist even in what may initially appear to be a completely platonic relationship.

As far as approaching romance seriously, I still strongly believe that Christians should be very purposeful in relationships with the opposite sex. As I said above, a platonic relationship that deepens may develop into romance much more easily than we expect. Beyond this realization, however, is the simple reality that the Lord will hold us accountable for all of our relationships. As Christians, we are called to exhort one another unto love and to good deeds. Because of this, I believe that all of our relationships–whether we may eventually be attracted to the people we know or not–should be purposeful.

In reading and observing, I also noticed a problem: goals regardless, the “plan” was not working, at least not in my opinion. From people with the least amount of commitment to those with the greatest degree of strictness, relationships were failing in terms of their not resulting in marriages. Whether dating, courting, or practicing an even older concept called “betrothal” (which has many negative connotations), the breaking of commitments was not limited to “less committed” groups, at least not if terminology is any indication. There was no guarantee against pain, no certainty that one’s partner would become one’s mate, no absolute way to prevent the potential for all the things Christians had sought to avoid. The problem seemed unconquerable.

Although pain in life may be unavoidable, I don't advocate seeking it. Furthermore, I do not advocate relationships that can be, by nature, defrauding. I really do think that serial courtships are problematic in nature if people are announcing them as they would engagements and are not treating them in a manner that would be more fitting for a relationship that may not culminate in marriage. If courtship is to be a time of seeking the Lord regarding whether or not to marry, then perhaps believers who are courting should not be acting as if they will marry each other. If, on the other hand, courtship is a time to cultivate a romantic relationship prior to an engagement that is certainly going to occur, a more committed attitude and focus is entirely reasonable.

Despite my attempt to accept dating (at least for other people), my previous opinion has been strengthened as I have begun to study abstinence education and programs that emphasize sexual integrity. The constant theme is that sex creates an emotional bond that, when broken, leaves baggage behind that will hinder a person's future marriage, even without the consideration of sexually transmitted infections or diseases. As I have listened to this reference to emotional baggage, I have realized how strongly these programs really underscore our need to approach relationships in general very differently from the way the world does. I have difficulty seeing why so few people make the connection between sexual integrity and purity of heart, though.

At the time I began to notice these things, the Lord used two things to turn my attention back to Him. One was an article by Abigail Spink, which turned out to be a sisterly exhortation to trust the Lord, because that is the real issue. In other words, we must not be motivated to our commitments by anything but God’s pleasure. When we do things for the Lord, we can trust Him to work out the details. The other thing God used was BLP101, a course offered by the Telos Institute International, in which I studied the [Institute in Basic Life Principle’s] principle of suffering. After spending some time looking at the lives of great Christians who had suffered, I realized that their suffering was turned to their gain when they gave it all to Christ. I began to understand that God could take care of me regardless of the failures of people. In a world of sin, it is impossible to expect humans as we are, with fallible natures, never to make mistakes. Therefore, I must depend solely on the Lord, and trust Him to work through others, even in their mistakes, for His glory and my good.

If God uses a relationship in my life to break me and use me for His glory, I am willing to suffer. The essence of love is its vulnerability to suffering. God loved us so much that He sent His One and Only Son to die on the cross for our sins. Can you imagine greater suffering? If I am willing to love, I am willing to be hurt. True love casts out fear, and that is the only way that I can proceed in life. If I cannot expose myself to hurt, I cannot love. That said, my fear is not so much that another person will fail me as that I will fail, that I might not do things right. Again, fear is my motivation. Rather than trusting the Lord to lead me each step of the way and committing myself to seek Him and to obey Him, I have some idea that a method or formula must exist that will guarantee that I have done everything exactly as I should so that I will have no regrets and I can be perfect. That is probably pride more than anything else and it does need to be purged from my life. At this point, this is still an area of struggle for me. I want to be perfect, but this desire for perfection stems more from pride--in wanting to be right--than from love for my Lord, Who does lead me each step of the way. I want to be the one who knows it all, the expert, the one who can plan and predict it all from the beginning. However, one huge problem exists: I am not God. I need to recognize that God has been, is, and will continue to be on His throne and that He really does not need my help to orchestrate my life as He sees fit!

Of course, it is all very well and good to come to a philosophical conclusion regarding this matter of whether I can avoid pain and suffering, but what about practical application? Just because God can and does use pain for His glory is no reason for me to seek it. Dating, as a worldly practice, was out of the question still, because I was still committed to purity for my Lord’s sake. How could I (how can I) conduct myself in a manner that would be pleasing to Him? For me, that was the biggest question. How could I get to the point of marriage without displeasing Him during the process? Our culture is not very supportive of women fulfilling their particular gender roles. In fact, it seems to me that women with more outgoing personalities are more likely to get married than the reserved, modest ones. Was there a way for me to maintain my convictions in light of all this? Is there a way for me to keep myself pure?

This continues to be a struggle for me, too. While I do believe in God's sovereignty, I do also believe in man's responsibility. Where do the two intersect in terms of marriage? Should a man seek a wife or not? Should a woman be on the lookout for a husband? Should a girl interact with single men and evaluate whether or not they would be acceptable marriage partners or should she see them only as brothers? Is it even realistic for girls and guys to think of each other only as siblings? Is that desirable? All these questions continue to puzzle me, although personal experience tends to sway me to believe that girls do have some responsibility in this--at least that of being responsive when a guy she likes is expressing interest. Sometimes, I really don't know what is appropriate...so I am still working on this.

Obviously, I still had to pick something along the lines of dating, courtship, betrothal, or some combination of the three. Dating seemed out of the question to me for many reasons. In the first place, I have several goals for my life, and dating (involving time and energy) would distract me from fulfilling those goals. Secondly, I have committed myself not to draw the heart of a man intentionally unless I am relatively certain that God desires me to marry him. It has also occurred to me that dating would not be very flattering to my vanity, since guys aren’t always very discriminating about what kinds of girls they date. At any rate, dating would seem like a waste of time and effort on both sides of the relationship, so I am not interested.

I still hold this perspective on casual dating.

Courtship is an interesting alternative, since it generally requires that a man and woman be in serious consideration of marriage. That, unfortunately, would be difficult to do while working towards my goals AND refraining from drawing each other’s hearts prematurely. It requires emotional energy, and has very few guarantees. At the same time, I can see great value in the idea of “wooing and winning.” Being blissfully single (not in love) at the moment, I cannot imagine simply choosing a man and going to the altar with him. There must be some intermediate stage during which he can win my heart, and in which I may, perhaps, win his (if I haven’t already done so unintentionally, right?). I can see a place for courtship after some serious kind of commitment has been established.

This is where I have begun to differ, I think. I have heard many wonderful testimonies of oblivious girls being truly surprised when their fathers inform them that a man has expressed interest in marriage. The girls say that marriage was the last thing on their minds at the time, that they were quite content, yet that they were prepared and ready when the time came. Somehow, a relationship progressed and they ended up married. I think that is how I expected things to occur for me, too, until something happened to me that made me realize that either the girls previously mentioned are a small minority to which I do not belong or...well, I'm not sure what the alternative is. What I have heard does suggest that those girls are a minority, though, and I am 100% sure that I am not in that minority.

I am not sure about courtship after establishing a serious commitment. The only commitment that one can make appropriately is to follow the Lord's leading in a relationship. That must be communicated very clearly. If the Lord does lead a couple to marry, I think it needs to be equally clear that a commitment to marriage is established at engagement and that it should be irrevocable except in extreme cases. Realistically, some couples may not realize until their engagement that they really do not want to spend the rest of their lives with each other and that is certainly a far better time to sever the relationship than after the marriage. However, I believe that this scenario should be painstakingly avoided by very purposeful interaction prior to any commitments are established.

Betrothal, next on my list, is the serious commitment of which I speak. Is it going too far to suggest that divorce within the church is so high primarily because people do not recognize the importance of keeping their word? We love to debate whether or not divorce is Scripturally acceptable, but what about the verse that tells us to let our yes be yes and our no be no? Whether divorcing or breaking an engagement, someone’s word has been broken (in the former case, a vow has also been broken). This is not a wise practice. If the Lord leads you to say yes in the first place, He will not lead you to change it to a no. If you believe otherwise, please show me your basis in Scripture.

I do still agree that people should keep their word. If you cannot let your yes be yes and your no be no, why should I trust you to keep your marriage vows? Is saying "I do" magical or does the keeping of a commitment spring from a heart of honor and a habit of keeping one's word?

By betrothal I mean only the technical definition of the word, to pledge one’s troth, or to pledge by one’s honor—or truth. In other words, giving your word so that people know you mean what you say. I do not refer to the other practices associated with betrothal in various cultures around the world. Please consider the concept of meaning what you say, something I highly recommend in all of life’s relationships, especially ones that involve you giving promises.

Betrothal is all about arranged marriages. I'm honest enough to admit that now. I'm not "committed to betrothal." However, I intend to keep my word once I have given it.

Historically, we know that dating as practiced now is a rather recent idea. While girls and guys have been “going out” for decades, and maybe even centuries, our nation’s obsession with romance (and the promiscuity that has plagued our country even more since the sexual revolution) has grown in recent years. It grieved me greatly to read an article by a young lady in which she referred to her mother’s idea of saving sex for marriage as “old-fashioned.” She implied her mother’s naiveté in not realizing that this young lady had long since forfeited the possibility of following her mother’s example. There is no sacred regard for the marriage bed in dating as it is practiced now.

I have recently begun counseling at a crisis pregnancy center and it is my constant dread that I will one day see someone I know walk through those doors. Oh, it is not that I think pregnancy is a horrible thing. I just would hate for them to experience shame in pregnancy because of the circumstances surrounding the conception of a child. I actually sincerely doubt that I will ever see any friends come for counseling, though, because the Christian ones probably would not visit a crisis pregnancy center because of fear for their reputations. In fact, it seems quite possible that a Christian woman might be even more motivated to seek an abortion than the average girl because of fear of her parents' displeasure.

Christian parents, do not deceive yourselves into thinking that your children are not involved in premarital sex! Christian kids are out there "doing it," too. Your ignorance may seem blissful at the moment, but your ignorance is not a good sign for your relationship with your child. If you cannot discuss this issue freely with your sons and daughters, I would highly recommend that you pray seriously about engaging in some dialogue regarding this. Your children need to know that you will accept them even if they fail you. If you are an appearance-oriented parent who will object more to the pregnancy than to the sexual activity that led to the pregnancy, you need to reorient your thinking. I know most of you do not realize how appearance-oriented you are. The majority of you may think about your children's hearts, but is that what you communicate to your children?

If you are constantly picking on the things they do, the things they watch, and the things they wear, you might very possibly be giving your children the impression that only external things matter to you. Please focus instead on their hearts! Tell them that marriage is the absolute best context for sex! If you were involved in premarital sex, tell them how it compares. Your children need to know this! Statistics show that married people who have only had sex with one partner and only within the context of marriage (if I remember correctly; I will research and cite my sources soon, I hope) hold the highest percentage of those who are emotionally and physically satisfied in their sex lives. This is a fact that many parents fail to communicate to their children, and you can be the one to share it.

Christians who date, however, may have exceptional standards in the area of physical intimacy. Many of them profess to be “strong” and able to handle the temptations that come to all such relationships. While what they say may be true in one sense, there are many factors that seem to me to contradict this idea. First, Scripture tells us to flee youthful lusts. This was Paul’s directive to Timothy, who, though called a young man, was what we would refer to as middle-aged. In the second place, the many GODLY, MATURE CHRISTIANS who have fallen into the snare of sexual temptation ought to be sufficient warning to us that our strength is only so great as it is in our weakest moment of temptation. I can personally testify that my “strength” comes from recognizing my weakness, and trusting God’s Word when He says to avoid situation where I would be making provision for the flesh. Relying on God’s strength and grace is not compatible with courting temptation. Those of you who claim to be strong need to remember that. God knows your weaknesses better than you do, and the deceitfulness of your heart. If He leads you to be more accountable than your flesh might desire, trust Him to accomplish what is best for you and pleasing to Him. He loves you so much that He sent His Son to die for you—can’t you trust Him to guide you?

Teach your children how to flee youthful lusts. Whether you are married or not, think about what this means for your life. If the goal is sexual integrity, we need to make sure that we don't place ourselves in situations in which it is likely for us, in our weakness, to compromise in this area. Movies, books, pornography, drugs, alcohol, parties, or anything else that could lead us to mental or physical compromise in our moral or spiritual lives should be evaluated regularly and probably discarded.

In looking at courtship and betrothal, I am making the wonderfully amazing assumption that Christians desire to walk in obedience to God’s will. This issue is full of significant theological ramifications that often lead to controversial matters when it is discussed. One of the things that has amazed me the most in observing courtship and betrothal relationships is how often people use the phrase “God’s will” to excuse breaking their word, breaking vows, etc. Without getting into controversial matters, I will assure you that our sovereign, unchanging God does NOT change His will. If He tells you one way, that’s the way. If it’s in His Word, He won’t contradict it. As a clarification, it is possible that He will contradict what we understand His Word to mean, but He will not contradict the clear principles He has set forth in Scripture. John Thompson shares many of these principles at Patriarch, so I will refrain from going into detail about them. Suffice to say that many people violate these principles consistently, and, frankly, I don’t think that is God’s will.

Don't play games by spiritualizing all of your decisions with terminology. Saying "if it's the Lord's will" in reference to your plans is one thing, but saying "I'm doing this because it's the Lord's will" is quite another. Make sure it's true before you tell the world that! Okay, maybe I'm speaking a little too strongly. I am seriously tired of hearing people change constantly regarding what God's will is. Perhaps the solution is to speak more tentatively unless you are 100% sure that you know what God's will is in the given situation.

All of this is not much to conclude, really. My decision has been and is to honor God’s Word in every way I can, in every way that I understand, as He gives me grace to walk each day. What this means in practical, everyday life is

1. I don’t flirt. As a matter of fact, I try not to be too enthusiastic or outgoing with men. My reasons are based on Scripture, which I will share later.
2. I dress modestly. This has more to do with courtship than one might think, because it is a reflection of my heart in whether or not it is pure.
3. I don’t spend much time on one-on-one interaction with guys who are not related to me unless I have a good reason that I feel my parents would approve. On-line, this means that I don’t generally e-mail or IM guys, simply because of where it could lead emotionally. On a face-to-face basis, I am careful still.
4. I will wait to pursue romance until my parents have Okayed it. Again, I have Scriptural reasons, but have time limitations that are keeping me from mentioning all of them at the moment.
5. I will find out where a guy is headed in life before getting involved with him.

I also desire to have a definite plan in any relationship. I desire to avoid the eyes of gossips, so I would rather conduct a low-key courtship until an irrevocable betrothal has been established. In that courtship, I would desire to find out two things: whether our life callings are compatible, and whether we may be attractive to each other. If either of those two things seems indicative that a relationship that leads to marriage would be unwise, I intend to drop it immediately. I trust the Lord will faithfully steer me through any such encounters.

Except for the low-key part (since I don't know what God has in mind), I'm still interested in the compatibility in terms of ministry ambitions and attraction. I will see how the Lord leads regarding all of this.

In summary, I intend to follow God’s Word, and I intend to glorify Him through marriage if I marry. If you desire the same, I know He’ll show you how!

Once again, I still hold to this point of view. The reality is that my views have changed very little over time. While my terminology or confidence regarding mechanics has shifted somewhat, I still want to glorify the Lord through all aspects of my life, including relationships that could become romantic.

See Part II