BUM Rush Stars

Vin Diesel

Why he's cool:
No man since Sly Stallone has gotten by on fewer syllables.

Why he sucks:
We got nothing bad to say about the guy. Any guy who writes a movie about himself with the title "Muti-Facial" is cool in our books.

How Biggs and the Pimp met him:
The Pimp, Biggs, and Maximus spent last evening watching XXX... wait, or was it The Fast and the Furious? Um... Knockaround Guys maybe... Oh, screw it...

David Arquette

Why he's cool:
The Anti-Christ has arrived! We are all DOOMED! Seriously, we all know the saying "With these friends, who needs enemies" or something to that effect. With David Arquette, who needs Satan? Cause he's walking the earth right now. The man hast not one redeeming quality. Now, step forward and PRAY young children that your soul will be saved from the wickedness.

Why he sucks:
Err... Need I speak the evil indulgences put forth into this world by the wickedness? The most serious of which being Courtney Cox. I mean, come on, what does he have, a spell on her or something. What the hell is she thinking every night when she lays down in bed with the wickedness? Everyone knows people who just try way too hard to be funny and just end up being annoying and looking stupid? Well, the wickedness is that guy to the 10th power. He makes funny things suck, small children cry, ruined Oliver Platt's career, and despite this, the wickedness gets to come home to Courtney Cox! Mrs. Cox, babe, call us, ok? We'll help you.

How Biggs, Nateus, and the Pimp met him:
The wickedness has been invading our subconscious and tormenting us through nightmare for months now. You know the reoccurring one about him, leather chaps, cool whip, and a monkey? What, you don't have that one too?

David Carradine

Why he's cool:
He was old when the earth was young. The guy has been around forever, literally. He and God used to sit around and play chess and spar kung fu style back before the Big Bang. He's living on borrowed time.

Why he sucks:
He's the master of suck! How many people can make 140 movies and star in several TV shows and STILL not be known for anything except for a show done in 1972? A show at which he beat Bruce Lee for the lead role I might add. As Biggs said, "He made 140 movies that no one has ever seen!" Biggs also advises me that you can tell they suck because they all have two word titles like Karate Cop and Future Force. Now I realize that some of the best movies ever made have only two words, like Star Wars and Termi Nator, but Karate Cop? Also, in 1990, he made 9 movies, all with two word titles. The dude packs a lunch, goes to work and makes a movie, then he does it all over again the next day. After we realized the suck factor was high for this man, we realized the situation warranted extra effort and deeper digging. While lurking in the bowels of the mystery that is Carradine, Biggs also found that he made a movie called Future Zone, which was the sequel to Future Force�in the same year.

How Biggs, Nateus, and the Pimp met him:
The Bum Rush posse visited a Native American reservation in Connecticut last weekend and tripped on peyote for 3 consecutive days, during which time we hallucinated dancing naked ladies that took our money, losing the rest of our life savings at a Casino, and 7 kung fu episodes. As it turns out, only the last of these was a hallucination. Shit. But look what we have to show for it! We are rich as we bathe in the suck of a geezer who sold his soul for a shot at the big time and has nothing to show for it except for a bad back and a swollen prostate. Last laugh goes to the Lee-man.

Jean Claude Van Damme

Why he's cool:
Imagine, it's 1988, Bloodsport has just come out, it's just the start of a bright career. This movie is going to make you, and your on top of your game. Plus, your mad ability to do splits impresses the women.

Why he sucks:
Fast forward now, to 2000, you've just finished filming a commercial for USA network, where you're next movie will PREMIRE. Forget national movie releases, direct to video past you up a couple of years ago. Plus, now only a select number of men get a rise out of the splits.

How Biggs, Nateus, and the Pimp met him:
If I may break format for this one - on a 1-10 scale at iMDB. Sreet Fighter: 3 stars. Universal Solder 2: 3 stars. Double Team: 4 stars. I could go on all day, but if you add those three movies up, at least you got a helleva good movie. And as an aside, the highest rated Van Damme movie? Damn straight it is.

Russel Crowe

Why he's cool:
He's a badass wife-stealing player/actor/musician. That must suck pretty bad.

Why he sucks:
Marlon Brando Syndrome. Just look at the projection to the left. Simply put, a good looking and talented young actor loves life. The years pile on and so does the poundage and incoherence. Life gives them a swift and painful kick to the sack - aka, Marlon Brando, Elvis, and, the newest inductee, Russell Crowe. Russell, watch out for the Slim Jims, moon pies, and chilidogs. They're not your friends.

How Biggs, Nateus, and the Pimp met him:
The men gave Russell a call the other day, wanting to trade tips on being smooth, but he was out at Dairy Queen getting a snack. He hasn't been returning phone calls.

Henry Winkler

Why he's cool:
That's easy, he's not. I think the beginning of the end was when he was in that movie "Nightshift". The movie was great and Michael Keaton is da man, but the Fonz playing a little bitch? Come on. I'm sure all aspiring pimps around the world shed a few tears when Fonzie traded in his leather jacket for a sweatervest.

Why he sucks:
To reiterate-back in tha day, the guy could snap his fingers and immediately have a fine lady at each side. Now we may all be players here, but when we do it people laugh and try to beat us. Now his best hope is that Adam Sandler will take this shell of a man under his wing and give him a few bucks to play a supporting role just to keep him off the streets. And we can't overlook the name: Once Arthur Fonzarelli, a name chicks would bow down to. Now Henry Winkler. Mr. Winky.

How Biggs, Nateus, and the Pimp met him:
We were reminiscing about the great pimps of the past over a bottle of bourbon whisky and Fonzie came to mind. He was a great role model at one time but then he lost his sack in a hedgetrimmer accident. We give props to the Fonz but Winkler, you can suck it. Hard.

[If Fonzie Weren't on Happy Days]

Sean Connery

Why he's cool:
Connery is the first two-time recipient of the BUM Rush Star of the Month. Why? Cause he's the friggin' man. Look over to the right, the screen can't even contain the godliness that is Connery's head. Biggs is so attracted to Conney's head, he wants to dry hump it. No lie.

Why he sucks:
No freakin' idea. Any attempt to take down the man will result in killer ninja's being sent to your miserable trailer park to end your, and your fat-ass wife/cousin's, miserable lives.

How Biggs, Nateus, and the Pimp met him:
The Rock was on this past weekend. Damn - Connery is the man. Every movie made from this very moment should star Sean Connery. There's way too many wuss-ass pretenders. Freddie Prince Jr. What?

[Ode to Connery]

David Hasselhoff

Why he's cool:
Because in 1982 he starred in the friggin' coolest show ever, had the sweetest car, and all the chicks dug him. The Pimp confided in me and I quote, "I wanted to be Michael Knight! Sheeit, he got some hella fine ladies, true dat." We hear he's making a comeback in 2002 for Knightrider 3000. Hasslehoff, if you're reading this, you turned in Kitt and your leather jacket a long time ago. You had your chance. Quit while you're...eh, just quit.

Why he sucks:
Baywatch, some stupid movie about an island and a witch...many other reasons I'm sure. This point can be elaborated upon in a poem by Nateus.

How Nateus and the Pimp met him:
Nateus and the Pimp revisited some old episodes that we drudged up from the Pimp's "Pimp Vault" a while back. It was right between "How to Suck" and "Once The Man, Now Unemployed: How to Cope by Sucking at Everything". That intro music still gives us a rush.

Sean Connery

Why he's cool:
The man! He would kick your ass, steal your woman, and you would be loving it the whole time. You'd be his bitch in a second. Don't lie.

Why he sucks:
If you think in any way that Sean Connery sucks - go and knit us another sweater, fairy boy. Your looking at the closest thing to God that you'll see in your miserable existance.

How Biggs and the Pimp met him:
Biggs and the Pimp watched Octopussy the other day, but the funny thing was, Sean Connery looked pretty damn bloated.

Ralph Macchio

Why he's cool:
No skinny little Italian freak who got his ass whooped continuously ever got as much ass as Ralph Macchio. Biggs salutes you Ralph!

Why he sucks:
While the movie world gave ralph hot chicks, a super-wise mentor, and the amazing ability to get pummeled every 10 minutes, life was not as kind to him.

How Biggs and the Pimp met him:
Biggs bumped into Ralph at Adulf's Adult Cinema a couple of months ago. Biggs still can't get the loser stench off - but that might not be from Ralph.

Scott Baio

Why he's cool:
You can't say anything bad about Charles in Charge. Well, you can, but in the 80's you loved it. Don't kid yourself, you did.

Why he sucks:
No one ever disappeared off the face of the earth quite like Scott Baio. The 90's were a bad, bad time for him.

How Biggs and the Pimp met him:
One day, while walking through the mall, the Pimp and Biggs were enjoying an Orange Julius when Scott Baio ran out of Payless Shoes begging the Pimp to buy a pair of shoes. Unfortunately, Payless didn't have any platforms.

Mr. T

Why he's cool:
During the 80's, Mr. T has pretty much the toughest man on Earth. Wicked tough. Hella tough. Any man that can turn his sweet van into a war machine is cool in our books.

Why he sucks:
11 words. No, seriously, he only knows 11 words.

How Biggs and the Pimp met him:
Biggs and the Pimp Daddy gave Mr. T a call, but he was polishing his gold at the time and said that he "Didn't have time fo no fool's, cause he make us hurt!" Do you get that? No, we don't either.

Sly Stallone

Why he's cool:
Three words; Rambo and Rocky

Why he sucks:
The 90's [Also see Scott Baio]

How Biggs and the Pimp met him:
Biggs and the Pimp talked to Stallone (a.k.a Rambo) via watching the movie Rambo II six times. Rambo declined to comment, but did blowup Asia with some explosive arrows.

Michael Jackson

Why he's cool:
Thriller was pretty cool

Why he sucks:
Is there a reason why he doesn't suck? From unecessary plastic surgery to the Neverland Ranch, it's hard to top the balls out insanity of Jacko.

How Biggs and the Pimp met him:
This one didn't go too well. Pimp Daddy beat Biggs to an inch of death with his cane after Biggs said, "You go talk to him, you know those kind of people." The Pimp thought he meant freako child molesters.

Busta Rhymes

Why he's cool:
Because of any music video he's ever made

Why he sucks:
Mountain Dew

How Biggs and the Pimp met him:
Busta did talk to the Pimp and Biggs, giving them a few who-has, then slamming down a Mountain Dew. Busta later came back and invited the Pimp into what he called his "Bitch Room." Biggs waited there for two hours. Then he left, alone.

William Shatner

Why he's cool:
Star Trek - he's had more alien sex than Biggs has dreamed about

Why he sucks:
Could it be priceline.com, or the hairpiece, or the Teckwar books, or maybe everything really. No one sucks at so many different things than as Shatner.

How Biggs and the Pimp met him:
When Shatner heard that there were actually people at his front door to see him, he bolted from his room like a 6 year old on Christmas. But when he saw that it was the Pimp and Biggs and not people bringing work, he got a little sad. Then, after babblering some gibberish, he told Scotty to beam him up. This all was fine, but when he started to sing, the Pimp and Biggs bolted.