Mr G. I will apologise before I walk out this door
for unintentional grief I have caused you or pain,
But I promise you this Sir, One day I'll return
to ram those words down your throat once again.

For all of these years that I've been at your two schools
how many times have you said I was a clown,
And how many times have I proven your words wrong
then you scowl and your brow wears a frown.

A numpty you call me because homework I hate
and I play football where I'm as free as a bird,
Your teachers are sadists who love to cause pain
two science teachers gone mad, where's the third?.

The stink bombs I made were a woops I'll admit
'cause my formula was not as good as I thought,
Too much sulphur went in and poor Jessie McCall
screamed blue murder and that's how I was caught.

Twelve crossed hands of the belt I received for my crime
Mr Wipers enforcer on my fingers did land,
Then my homework that night again was not done
for my pen wouldn't stay still in my hand.

Terry Thomas was livid when he looked in my books
All he saw was squiggles on part of the page,
I'll teach you a lesson he roared like a bull
as six more clouts came my way in a rage.

My paintings take patience and can not be rushed
for I like to have my work looking correct,
The art teacher's too busy drinking whisky all day
five legged horses he would see, I suspect.

Every friday you grab me to read on that stage
my mates are standing below pulling faces,
Annie Speirs blows kisses and pokes out her tongue
and mad Wullie Smith twangs a tune on his braces.

The bible reading is serious but only for some
those who blaspheme you say go to hell,
To stop that daft grin spreading over my face
get someone else to read and i'll have a spell.

The last eleven years of my life have come and gone
walking to school in sleet and slush and snow,
I remember my first day as a curly headed wee boy
I told my Mammy I didn't want to go.

I love my history books that I read with delight
to visit my past is a future lesson of time,
My atlas will show me this "Impossible Dream"
that this numpty will conquer and climb.

Oh! and many years in the future near the old granite wall
there will be an excavation of land I'll foretell,
Take a walk in the nettles and suffer the stings
for that's where you will find the old bell.

I know that I should not have done such a thing
but I was always in strife for being late,
So I thought if I hid it in thistles that were high
it would not ring as I ran for the gate.

Those four subjects I learned are all that I need
to get me started on this road that's called life,
I'll listen and learn from people over the world
and my travels will go much further than Fife.

If I had studied at school maybe poems I could write
but they only taught me the words of Humpty Dumpty,
So sir I apologise that I can't write down big words
but as you said, Freddie Mac! you're a NUMPTY!.

HA! HA! HA! Sir.

In memory of all my teachers who tried hard and
failed to turn me in to an academic. R.I.P.

| MacDonalds Clan | Scotsman's Lament | Cloud and the Butterfly |

| A Key to a Dream | The Tortoise and the Bear | Have You Ever |

| Wizards and Knights | Ghosts Of The Glen | The Last Dark Walk |

| The Shadow | The Pilgrim | WalkingShoes | Tree of Life |

| The Story of Fergus from Drum-Na-Gad |

| Teardrops of a Child | Step Into The Light | Eve of Destruction |

| Fear not the River of Darkness | A Spider Called Bruce | The Ghost of Calder Water |

| Advice from A Wise Man | A Thought for Shirley |

| Shane the Bear | Wee Terry | Kat of Coolum Beach |

| Room or Tomb | Strangers or Friends | Penrith Follies | Granny Grump |

| Headmaster's Advice to a Numpty

| Moggy Mischief | TimeFlies | Only The Depth Varies |

| The Tikacat |

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This Poem is the sole property of Freddie Mac, please have respect for the Author
and do not duplicate in any way shape or form, without seeking prior permission.
Thank You.

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