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I Want To Take It With Me
An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his
life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the
three friends that he trusted the most for some advice: one
was a doctor, one a priest, and one an attorney.
"I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps
there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when
we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So,
I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million in it.
At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket
so that I can use it on my journey to the next world." The
three agreed.
A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of
the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope
into the casket. Afterwards, the three were talking, and
the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a
confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the
clinic. My CAT scan machine broke, and I had to scrape to
replace it. I took $80,000 out of the envelope to pay for
it."
As the other two cringed, the priest then added, "I must
confess, too. The poor have been especially bad this year,
and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used
it to feed and clothe them."
The attorney was beside himself. "I am disgusted. Our
friend asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us
with his last request. How could you two break that trust
and go against his wishes?"
The doctor replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an
attorney, didn't take anything out of your envelope?"
"I would never!" replied the attorney.
"In that envelope was a personal check for the FULL amount!"
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Church Humor
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were
inscribed, "The Gate of� Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard
sign which read, "Please use other entrance."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards. "What denomination?" asked the postal clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Has it come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me
50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His
answer: 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.
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I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old
son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a
sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" my son
asked.
"He died and went to heaven," I replied.
My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
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After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow
up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever
had."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
our six year old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the
blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you
hear Mommy say," my wife answered. Our daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?
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Defrocked
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and
depleted!
Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will
be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will
be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will
be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical
composers will eventually decompose.
On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians
will be devoted.
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A Minister Learns from a Student
A minister was chatting with a University student about the doctoral paper he was preparing. Through reading and exacting studies with many patients, the student was prepared to report that the type of converstaion that went on in the operating room had a definite impact on the recovery rate of surgical patients.
The minister was especially interested in the finding that even though a patient under anesthesia was totally "out of it", in a comatose like condition, positive conversation by doctors and other attendants had a very beneficial affect on the patient. As the pastor listened to this revelation, his face suddenly lit up, and he said, "At last I've found some hope for the people who attend the Sunday morning morning church service."
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An Optimist and Pessimist
The story is told of a father who had twin sons. One son was an
optimist, the other a pessimist.
On the twins' birthday, while the boys were at school, the father loaded
the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's
room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him
sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, and I'll have to read the
instructions, and I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will get
broken," answered the pessimist.
Passing the optimist's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the
pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" asked the father.
To which the optimist replied, "There's got to be a pony in here
somewhere!"
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The Hunters
Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a
better chance of catching something.
The first man says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into
the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides
to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits
an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest
rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do.
The man answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on
the hour until I ran out of arrows."
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I'M FINE THANK YOU
There is nothing the matter with me.
I'm as healthy as I can be.
I have arthritis in both my knees
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Arch supports I have for my feet
Or I wouldn't be able to be on the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory is failing, my head's in a spin
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
The moral is this, as my tale I unfold,
That for you and me who are growing old,
It's better to say "I'm fine" with a grin
Than to let folks know the shape we are in.
How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my "get up and go" just got up and went.
But I really don't mind when I think with a grin
Of all the grand places my "get up" has been.
Old age is golden, I've heard it said;
But sometimes I wonder as I get into bed
With my ears in the drawer my teeth in a cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up.
Ere sleep overtakes me, I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I could lay on the shelf?"
When I was young my slippers were red,
I could kick my heals over my head
When I was older my slippers were blue,
But I still could dance the whole night through.
Now I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits
And pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is still missing, I know I'm not dead
So I fix me some breakfast and go back to bed.
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SERMON NOTES
Pastor Davidson was afraid of the criticism he would receive if members of the congregation would find out that he used notes while preaching. Early each Sunday morning, before anyone else had arrived at the church, he would place his notes on the shelf in the pulpit. However, a couple of the young people found about this, and just before the start of the service, they were able to sneak up to the platform and removed the third page. The sermon that morning was about the Garden of Eden, and when the Pastor came to the bottom of page two he proclaimed, "And Adam said to Eve . . ." As he turned the page, he quickly realized something was wrong. His mind racing to figure out what was happening, he repeated, "And Adam said to Eve . . . Hey, a leaf's missing!"
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CONFESSION
In the days when confessions had to be made before a priest, four young boys came together; the priest took them one at a time, starting with the biggest. He was a boy of around age ten, and at the conclusion of a list of wrong-doings, he said, "And please forgive me for throwing peanuts in the brook." The priest was somewhat curious about this last "sin", but decided not to say anything. The next boy, also 10, but a little smaller in size, also recited his list of sins for the week, and ended with the same one, "Please forgive me for throwing peanuts in the brook." Now the priest was getting very courious, but again said nothing. After the third boy repeated the pattern, the priest decided that he would wait until the last of the four before asking about this strange confession. However, when the smallest boy came in, he recited a list of sins, came to the end, and started to leave when the priest blurted out, "But aren't you going to ask forgiveness for throwing peanuts in the brook?" "Why?" asked the boy. "I'm Peanuts."
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HANG ON
A mountain climber, who was also a Christian, began to slip as he climbed a dangerous section of the mountain. In a flash he had fallen over the edge of a cliff and began to plunge downward when he thrust out his hand and grabbed a small tree that had grown out from between two rocks. As he hung there fearing the worse, but trying to figure out what to do, he suddenly heard a voice calling him from above, "Just trust me, let go of the branch, and I will save you." Pausing a moment while he glanced down, the climber called out, "Hey, is there anyone else up there?"
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SKIPPING CHURCH
John, who loved to play golf, was also pastor of the Community Church. Every Sunday he chafed under the realization that while he had to go preach at the church, his golfing buddies were haveing a great time out on the greens. So John devised a plan. On Saturday evening he taped his sermon, and placed the tape player in the pulpit. He then connected it to the church's amplifying equipment, and set it on a timer so that it would start precisely at the time in the service when he would normally begin preaching. The next day, John enjoyed a wonderful day at the golf course. And surprisingly, there were no adverse comments from the church deacons, or from any of the members. So, John decided to follow the same plan the next week. However, after golfing nine holes, John became a little uneasy, and decided to check to see if everything was going o.k. back at the church. As he approached the church, he could hear his own voice booming out the sermon he had taped the night before. He quietly opened the front door, and walked through the vestibule. But when he peered through the sanctuary doors, he was shocked to see that no one was in church at all. Instead, on every pew there were six small tape recorders, all of them eagerly taking in every word of the sermon.
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DRINKING
A hiker was lost in the woods when he came across a small clearing. At the other end was a broken down shack with a considerable amout of junk piled around the yard. Being very thirsty, the hiker slowly approaced the shack. Noticing a well pump outside, he quietly filled the cup that hung on a branch next to the well. As he was about to take a sip, he noticed that the cup was very dirty, accept for a small section near the handle. Carefully placing his lips there, be began to drink. At that very moment, an elderly lady emerged from the shack, and coming over to where the man was drinking she said, "Now isn't that funny. You're drinking from the same place on the cup that I always drink from."
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A PRAYER
Dear Lord,
So far today, God, I've done alright.
I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper,
haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish,
or over-indulgent, and I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed,
and from then on, I'm going to need a lot more help.
Amen
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Not Quite All There
Politically correct ways to say someone is intellectually challenged:
He's a few clowns short of a circus.
She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
He's an experiment in artificial stupidity.
She's dumber than a box of hair.
He's a few peas short of a casserole.
She doesn't have all her Corn Flakes in one box.
The wheels are spinning but the hamster's dead.
He's one Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
She's one taco short of a combination plate.
He's a few feathers short of a whole duck.
He's all foam...no coke.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
He has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
She couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.
His intellect is rivaled only by garden tools.
He's as smart as bait.
Her elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
He forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
He's missing a few buttons on his remote control.
There's no grain in his silo.
He's proof that evolution can go in reverse.
His receiver is off the hook.
Her skylight leaks a little.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
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The Consultant
There once was a consultant who lived her whole life
without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact,
she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One
day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she
died.
Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.
Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get
settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough,
we've never once had a consultant make it this far and we're not really sure
what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the consultant.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let
you have a
day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you
want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my
mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven" "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that
St.
Peter put the consultant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The
doors opened and the consultant found herself stepping out onto the putting
green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and
standing
in front of her were all her friends - fellow consultants that she had
worked
with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They
ran
up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played
an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she
enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was
actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling
jokes and
dancing. The consultant was having such a good time that before she knew
it, it
was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got
on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found
St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So the
consultant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the
harp and singing. She had a great time and beforeshe knew it her 24 hours were
up and St.Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've
spent a day in heaven. Now you must chooseyour eternity." The consultant
paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I
mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in
Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the consultant
went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in
a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were
dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The
Devil came
up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the
consultant, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country
club
and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a
wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at
her and smiled, "That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today
you're staff."
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Success With Math
A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"
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Want To Take It With Me
