8
Page 15 of 22
Choose from the following, or scroll down.
------------------------------------------------
Government Insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
God Will Provide
A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner,
her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father
invites the fiancee to his study.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Bible scholar," he replies.
"A Bible scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you
do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's
accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,
the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he
thinks I'm God."
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
I love my Job ~ By Dr Seuss
I love my Job
I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my Office and its location -
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.
I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who've come to visit today
in lovely white coats to take me away!!
Return to Top of this Page
------------------------------------------------
Random Thoughts
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk I have a workstation....
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for
their finals.
Return to Top of this Page
------------------------------------------------
A Humor-Impaired Preacher
A humor-impaired preacher attended a conference to help encourage and
better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many
well known and dynamic speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's
attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a
woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was, of course, shocked.
He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst
into laughter, and the rest of his talk went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try and
use that joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit, he tried to
rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone, he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life
were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The
congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for
almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second
half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "And I can't remember
who she was!"
Return to Top of this Page
------------------------------------------------
Zeal and the Graduate
A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand
resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming
his praise to God. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is
great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone
heard him or not.
Shortly after, along came a man who had recently
completed some studies at a local university.
Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of
truth and very eager to show this enlightenment,
he asked the boy about the source of his joy.
"Hey," asked the boy in return, "don't you have any
idea what God is able to do? I just read that God
opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole
nation of Israel right through the middle."
The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next
to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the
"realities" of the miracles of the Bible. "That can
all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship
has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only
10 inches deep at that time. It was no problem for
the Israelites to wade across."
The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man
back to the Bible laying open on his lap. The man,
content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young
person to the finer points of scientific insight,
turned to go.
Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to
rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned
to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.
"Wow!" exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater
than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole
nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it
off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in
10 inches of water!"
Return to Top of this Page
------------------------------------------------
The Rules of Chocolate
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Hymns For People Your Age
10. "It Is Well With My Soul - But My Back Aches A Lot".
9. "Nobody Knows The Trouble I Have Seeing."
8. "Amazing Grace - Considering My Age".
7. "Just A Slower Walk With Thee."
6. "Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One By One."
5. "Go Tell It On The Mountain -- And Speak Up."
4. "Give Me That Old Timers Religion."
3. Blessed Insurance."
2. "Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah - I've Forgotten Where I Parked."
1. "Nearer My God to Thee."
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
Water to Wine
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the
minister's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the minister.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The minister looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"
Return to Top of this Page
------------------------------------------------
The Billionaire
One day a billionaire learns that he is going to die. He was so upset at
the thought of leaving all his possessions behind that he asked God if he
could bring his money with him. To which God replied flatly, "No, you can't
take it with you."
The billionaire, who never took no for an answer,
persisted asking. Finally God relented and agreed to allow the man to bring
one suitcase with him. The man was so excited he hurried to decide what to
pack. First he filled the bag with cash. But decided that perhaps the
exchange rates might not benefit him. Then he filled it with stocks but
didn't know how they would perform over eternity. Finally he decided to
fill the bag with gold bullion and congratulated himself on his clever
planning.
When the day finally came that he passed away, he was happily
standing in line at the pearly gates when St. Peter saw him and asked about
the suitcase. "You'll have to leave that behind," said St. Peter. "No way"
said the man, "I have special permission from God." He told me I could bring one suitcase filled with
anything I wanted."
"This is highly unusual," said St. Peter, "but let me
see what's inside." He opened the suitcase and scratched his head as he
pondered the contents. "I don't get it. God said you could bring anything
at all with you ... and you brought PAVEMENT?"
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
Violin Practice
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his
father was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of
little Harold's violin reached his ears, he
began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then
he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise,
"For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
Kid's Funnies
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the
commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother,"
she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a
beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not
kill."
An honest seven-year-old told her parents that Billy Brown
had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?"
gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the
young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do
the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that
her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in
contrast on her brunette head. "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?" she asks. Her mother replies,
"Well, every time you do something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The
little girl thinks about this awhile, then asks, "So
how come ALL of Grandma's hairs are white?"
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said,
"Now, boys, if I stood on my head, my blood would run
into it, and I would turn red in the face. Why is it that
while I am standing upright in the ordinary position my
blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow
shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
No Donation From Me
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from
the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions
called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you
give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you care to give back to the community
in some small way?", he asked.
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled,"Um...no."
"or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was
interrupted again, "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,"
the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three
children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no
idea..."
The lawyer cut him off once again and said haughtily, "well then if I don't
give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
Better Safe Than Sorry
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an
evening of religious service when she was startled by an
intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her
home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts
2:38!"*
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly
called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the
burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old
lady did was yell a scripture at you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said
she had an axe and two 38s!"
(Acts 3:28 - "Turn from your sin and be baptized.")
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
Grass Houses
The story is told of an African chieftan who lived in a simple grass hut, and sat on an elegant, hand carved, wood throne. After ruling for a few years, he became a bit haughty and decided that wood wasn't good enough for him, he wanted a gold throne. So he commissioned his craftsmen to create a beautiful gold throne, and he took the wood one and stored it in the small attic of his hut. A few months later, the sounds of warring natives from another tribe were heard approaching the village, and the African chief quickly assumed that they were probably going to come and steal his gold throne. So he exchanged the thrones, bringing the wooden one back down and hiding the gold throne in the attic. While he sat there anticipating the arrival of the enemy tribal warriers, suddenly the gold throne upstairs broke through the ceiling and came crashing down on the chief's head, and killed him.
So what is the morale of this story? "People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
The Lesson of Lot's Wife
In a Sunday school classroom, a teacher was telling the
story of Sodom and Gomorrah to her children. She explained
that Lot was told to take his wife and flee, but then Lot's
wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt.
A boy in the class asked, "What happened to the
flea?"
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
Expensive Vet
A man noticed his dog didn't seem to feel well, so he took
him to the vet.
As the vet was examining the dog, the dog stopped breathing.
"I'm sorry, sir; your dog is dead," the vet said
gently.
"It can't be!" the man exclaimed. "I want a
second opinion."
The vet left and returned with a Labrador retriever, who
circled the man's dog and sniffed him. The dog didn't move.
Next the vet came in with a cat, which walked all over the
man's dog and licked his ears. The dog still didn't move.
"I'm sorry, sir," the vet repeated. "If your
dog was alive, he would have responded to all that
stimulus." The man finally accepted that his beloved
companion was gone.
As he was leaving, the receptionist handed him a bill.
"What?!" the man said in outrage. "You're
charging me $450 just to tell me my dog is dead?"
"Oh, no," the receptionist said. "The vet's
fee is only $50, but it was $200 for the lab report and
another $200 for the cat scan."
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
No Excuse Sunday
To make it possible for everyone to attend church this
Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse
Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say,
"Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those
who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from
watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof
would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is
too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the
hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who
can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons
for those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who
like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan
to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas
poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen
the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the
preacher and cotton balls for those who think he's too loud.
Hope to see you there!
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
Enduring Labor
The nurse approached him, smiling. "The labor is going great," she said. "Wouldn't you like to come
in?"
"Oh, no." The man shook his head.
The nurse returned to the mother's side, and the labor progressed smoothly. As the birth neared,
the nurse returned to the man, now pacing frantically in the hall. "She's doing so well," she assured
him. "Wouldn't you like to at least come in and see her?"
The man seemed to hesitate slightly, then shook his head again. "No, no, I couldn't do that." He
jingled car keys in his sweaty palm and resumed his pacing.
The nurse went back into the room and coached Mom's valiant efforts in pushing the baby into the
world. As the baby's head began to exit the birth canal, the nurse raced to the hall, grabbed the man
by his elbow, and dragged him to the bedside saying, "You have got to see this!"
At that very moment, the baby boy was born and placed on the tummy of the mother whose radiant
smile shone through her tears. The man began to cry openly. Turning to the nurse, he sobbed. "You
were right! This is the greatest moment in my life!"
By now, the nurse, too, was tearful. She put her arm around him, and he rested his head on her
shoulder. She soothed, "No one should miss the birth of their son."
"This isn't my son," the man blubbered. "This isn't even my wife. I've never seen her before in my
life. I was just bringing the car keys to my buddy across the hall!"
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
Back To Dr. Chadwick's Home Page
------------------------------------------------
[1]
[2]
[3]
[4]
[5]
[6]
[7]
[8]
[9]
[10]
[11]
[12]
[13]
[14]
[15]
[16]
[17]
[18]
[19]
[20]
[21]
[22]
|
Government Insurance
